Tomorrow is too late....

This has been a week....and it is only Tuesday!!!! School started which is always an eventful occasion. It has been good so far...I'm behind already I think, but oh well, I'll make up for it. I just have to find my GROOVE again! LOL....

Seriously though, it has been a hard week. Saturday morning I got a text from my mom telling me that a long time friend's dad died. Then on Sunday morning the news came of one of our 8th graders that had died from a drug overdose. It has been a hard week...and yes, it is only Tuesday.

The loss of my friend's dad hit all of us hard. When I read my mom's text, I gasped out loud! It literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't believe it! I have not seen this man in years, but I have many fond memories of times spent with him and his family. I also have many hurt feelings towards this man, for the way he tore his family apart and left them as well as many of us battered and bruised.

As I talked to Mom and we thought of our long ago friends, both of us were saddened both by his death and the way he ended his life. He had been one of those teachers at church that I loved listening too. He had a zest for life. He was fun and always had the best of everything. From the outside, this was the perfect family! Perfect house...perfect cars....perfect clothes....just perfect.... However, truth was, they were far from perfect.

I remember hearing that he was having an affair. I couldn't believe it. I had sat in his class as newly wed and listened to scripture after scripture against adultery and divorce and yet now he was the one caught in that snare. I can only imagine how his family felt because I was angry myself...and hurt...and disgusted! Needless to say, it tore his family apart. His wife, his son, his daughter....all were caught in the storm that followed.

I had lost track of my friends after the divorce. It has been 21 years or so since I had last seen the dad. It was at his son's wedding. I haven't seen his daughter since probably high school. I have seen his ex-wife on several occasions and have watched her put her life back together. Unfortunately, not all of them have been able to do it.

I talked to the son of this man this week. Funny, we use to be great friends, we grew up together and spent almost every spring break with each other's family. Ski buddies, friends, co-workers (when he worked for my daddy) and so on....I hadn't seen him since his wedding. I can't believe it has been that long ago. But talking to him this week, I have seen the broken, damaged shell of who he once was. It breaks my heart. But even sadder were the words spoken against his father.... When asked about a memorial service, his children asked "Seriously, who would come?"

I pray that his father found some peace and forgiveness before he died. However, his children are left with regrets and anger and grief they don't know how to deal with. The image of him in his nursing home bed alone at the end of his life with no one to comfort him, just tears my heart apart. As awful as he was in the end to his family and friends, how horrible it must have been for him to be all alone. Even more sad is the pain of regret and grief that I listened to in his son's voice. Just such brokenness.....

Then came the death of an 8th grader....also the son of a friend from high school. He was one year older than Chelsea and was out at a party doing drugs! At the most he was 14...but probably still only 13. How can this kind of thing happen to a child? It makes me angry too. Some people immediately blame his parents, but from what I understand, he had lied to both of them about where he would be. There are just no answers when a child dies....even of his own doing. This is the second child in this class to die. One to suicide and now one to drugs.....

One of my favorite songs right now talks about telling those you love that you love them....time is short. Don't waste another minute on anger, regret, resentment, bitterness.....I promise you, when the day comes that you can no long make something right, it will rip through your heart and leave more than just grief. Say it...make a point to forgive and live a life void of regrets. Tomorrow is not a promise....just ask my friends. They would give anything to have one more day...or one more minute with the ones they lost.....now, it is too late.

At the crossroads.....

Remember Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway where at the end he has to decide which way to go? He stands at an intersection, looking at a map and then takes a chance and follows where his heart leads. I feel that my child is the one standing in an intersection and now has to choose which way to go...and the rest of her life depends on this moment and choice!

How did we get here? How can one way be better than another? Is there a right way or a wrong way? Is there a predetermined path or is it all just left up to chance?

Life has been a roller coaster ride this summer for my baby. She has trusted and been hurt. She has opened her heart to only feel pain she didn't know she could feel. She has taken a chance and headed down a road which now ends at this crossroad. So how does she choose which way to go? The paths are not clear. There is only so far down the road that she can see. Some of the way on each road is very clear but then there are the places out of sight and very unknown. Those are the places that this decision will most effect.

The other night a friend asked me if I could go back in time what event would I change and why. At first I thought I would not change a thing because it led me to where I am today, but then after thinking about it for a while, I realized that I took the longer road to get to this place. Maybe it was even an unnecessary side trip and that if I had chosen differently then I would still be able to be here today but without the pain and maybe even sooner than now. I don't know if that is right or not. I know that I have never taken the easy way to anything. I always stood up to a challenge and just knew I could do the impossible even when everyone said it couldn't be done, or shouldn't be done the way I wanted to do it. I know there was an easier way....I know I chose the harder road, but I also know that road gave me strength, insight and knowledge that I would never have had otherwise.

But just for a minute I want to imagine my world if at my crossroad I would have turned right instead of left. What if I had gone off to college right out of high school....ACU or Harding were my destinations. Would I have become a teacher? Would I have still married my hubby? Would my girls still be born at the same time they were born? Would life have taken me to other places and people? Would I have dedicated my life to ministry and traveled the mission fields? Would I have married a minister? What if I had stayed in my bubble of safe Christian places and never ventured in to the world and its offerings? Who would I have become?

Another question haunts me more....who would Mike have become? I'm not being prideful and I know my faults throughout this journey, but Mike has said many times that without me being in his life he would have destroyed himself. I hate to say it, but he really might have. He tried to even during our marriage at times. I hate to think of what would have happened to him if he had not come to know Christ....and he had no leading to Christ until he and I started dating. But then again, what if there was another plan to get him to Christ if I didn't intersect his life?

The should-ofs, could-ofs, and would-ofs can drive you crazy. They do me. I also know I can't focus on if I had done things different. I have to live the life I have chosen. But that's me.....my child has not chosen yet and is standing in the center of the intersection trying to decide which path to follow. Does she continue straight ahead with the college she is in and the major she has chosen and the young man who has made her begin to trust again....OR....does she look at how much she has loved ministering to teens this summer and change her path to seek more ways to minister to others and possibly a young man who will make his life a life of serving and teaching Christ to others? If she changes course, will the other young man ever find a true relationship with Christ? Right now he is willing to learn and let her lead him on this path, but if she chooses a different direction what will that mean for him? Then again, is it her purpose to lead him or to just plant the seed. Maybe the Christian young man who has spent his summer also ministering to teens and who may actually follow in his mentors' footsteps and choose ministry as his life is who she is suppose to be with. Wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't life be better for her if she followed this road instead?

I know I have given lots of questions that really do not have answers. My heart and my head don't agree and don't know how to help her decide. Prayer is all I have and all I can offer her at this time. I can see this time as the point where she decides what life she will live. It is exciting and frightening for me so I can only imagine how she feels. To say I am praying is an understatement. I have prayed for years for the young man that God has for her. I have often prayed for young men that she has dated to be quickly removed from her life if they are not good for her and if they are not the ONE for her to invest her heart in the relationship. I have prayed for the young man and his family that will one day become part of her life and our lives. I have asked that his heart be deeply in love with God just as she is and that she would not struggle through some of the battles that I did. So now, I pray it again. I pray that God will make her path clear for her. I know He has plans for her....plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Every day I am having to make the choice to give her future to His control and trust that He knows which path she is to take and that God will be with her as she chooses it and will walk beside her as she walks it out.......

I've always believed she would marry a minister and be involved with youth ministry. But I also know she is a rescuer, like her mom, and sees the good in people who don't yet know Christ. I can't tell her that it is wrong to date a non-Christian, because she may be the one to lead them to Christ. I can't tell her to choose the easier path either....

And so.....I pray......

Memory Lane

Tonight I can't sleep....every time I close my eyes I flash back to a time in my life that seemed like the end of the world. Somewhere in that time my spirit was broken. I had always been a go getter...loving life and living it....but then I learned something I had never known before....I wasn't enough.

This came after a breakup way back in high school, long before Mike and I started dating. Actually, he was lucky I even went out with him because I had sworn off all guys from Kaufman about that time! I was too trusting until this point in my life. I believed what I heard and trusted that those words would never be proven wrong. Then I learned, not everyone is trustworthy. Learning this lesson just about broke me. I tried to destroy myself in the months that followed. I was sick and tired of being the "good girl" that never seemed to be enough to hold on to a boyfriend. So, I set out to be NOT a good girl. I was doing pretty good and learning how to not be what I once was....I was angry, bitter, scared, and heartbroken. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for the same kind of lines in two different relationships. Both had lasted months and months and seemed to be "real" but amazingly the ones I thought loved me and I thought I could trust, broke me in to tiny pieces.

I remember one night crying so much that my momma came in to my room and just tickled my back while I cried and cried. This one was the hardest one. I had really given my heart and thought he had too. But soon his drinking and eventually drugs took away the guy I had fallen for and left someone who cared less about me and more about the next "good time" he was going to have.

So why is this memory haunting me tonight? Because I just sat on my baby girl's bed and tickled her back and brushed through her hair and held her as she sobbed her heart out. She has been crushed. She finally found someone who she felt safe enough with to let her guard down. She thought he was her best friend....and now she fears even that is gone. And sadly, she doesn't even know why it has come to this. He says he can't trust her because she had not told him some things before he learned them tonight. They are little things in comparison to what he has done.

The other reason it is bringing up these emotions is that he is very similar to my heart breaker. The drinking and partying may have now become too much for her to be able to handle the consequences. Regardless, she loves him...as much as one can at this stage of a relationship. And he has decided he doesn't trust her more than he loves her.....

The thing that hit me so hard tonight was hearing my feelings from my heartbreak come out of her mouth...."I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me." How can she think that? How can being a girl who has chosen purity and God not be good enough? How can a girl who chooses not to drink, smoke, or do drugs not be good enough? My heart is breaking for her tonight...or I should say this morning. I know when this happened to me was when I put up a wall that said, "You won't get to me....I will NOT feel like this again!" And then I did my best to drink those feelings away.....It didn't work and it added more hurt on top of the pain I already was feeling. I can not stand the idea of my baby girl feeling what I felt or trying to cover up those feelings like I did.

I have always prayed for the young man who would one day win my baby's heart. I know he is out there and I know I don't get to pick him for her. This young man that has hurt her would not have been my pick....but truth is, my hubby probably was not my parents' pick for me either. However he was who God intended for me. I'm still praying for the young man that will win my girl's heart....even if it ends up being this one that has wounded her so deeply tonight. My tears roll as I think of her words and remember her sobs and as I remember that broken girl I was so many years ago.

God, my prayer is for her heart...that You guard it and keep it from shattering to pieces. I pray that she doesn't change to fit anyone or to try to keep anyone. I pray for the young man you have purposed for her, that he be one of yours and that when he comes in to her life that she will know and allow her heart to open again. Lord I just pray you stay very close to my baby girl in all the moments I'm not there and the moments she feels she can't share with me. Thank you Lord for mending my heart and for watching over her's. In Your Son's Name....Jesus... Amen

I love this quote....it might spur me to write again...

"Do not fear death but rather the unlived life....you don't have to live forever, you just have to live...." Tuck Everlasting

Masquerade

Have you ever thought about what masks people live behind? What masks you live behind? Do we ever really know people? Do we let people ever really know us? Truth is....and my accountability group with bust me on this if they read it....the answer is NO! No one really knows me....I feel that no one can ever see things just like I see them....they won't hear things the same way I do....they won't process meanings or feelings like I would....no one can ever really know how I feel or think like I think because no one has ever walked the same path I have walked.....We are each made to walk a unique path and that means that only God knows where we have been and where we will end up!

There are just some places in my heart that no one gets....no one understands, and frankly that I have kept hidden, even from those closest to me.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't have the masks....would I be happier? Would life be easier? More peaceful? Would my friends still be my friends? Would my family disown me? Could my hubby handle me being totally real without keeping anything in? Who would I be?

I don't know the answer....I've never allowed myself to just be me, to find what makes me happy and peaceful. I've never let myself put myself first. I let those spotlight seekers stand in the front and grab all of it. I let those who have more serious problems rattle on and on and I listen, but never share my hurts, because to me, mine are not important to anyone but me. I sit quietly to the side and listen, watch and evaluate. Hopefully I'm not judging....I try not to, but I am usually evaluating myself more than them. I smile and pretend all is okay....I only speak what seems to be okay for the moment and I leave empty and hollow still. I don't think people would even care if I shared those core things of me. I'm uninteresting and plain and shallow and totally tired of the masks. But then I have to remind myself, that I am not the only one wearing masks.....

Disconnect......

That's exactly how I feel lately.....disconnected. Partly of my own doing, I will confess...but still, the disconnect is strong. It started months ago when I was ill and then had surgery. I felt it then. I pulled within myself as protection and because I was an emotional mess. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying, and that made many people uncomfortable, including myself. It was easy to see who would not stick around through the recovery, because they couldn't even talk to me about the events leading up to the surgery. I guess it was then my wall started going back up. I started seeing that people I thought were friends and people I thought were my support group, were really not going to be there for me during the scariest part of my life thus far. So....disconnect

Then recovery came. Life was lonely, to say the least. My poor daughters took turns babysitting their MOM! How sad!!! There were a few of those friends who had stuck around that made a point to come visit. For that, I will forever be grateful. Those few showed me that they can stick by me even when emotionally and physically I am a mess...and not very easy to be around! I have to say, though, it amazed me at who did and who didn't stay around. So....I redrew some of my circles and pushed a few more to the outer rim and disconnected from their lives too....as they seemed to have done so easily from mine....

By this time I had been isolated for too long and isolation never has been a good thing for me. Again, those few friends continued to pull me along. However I am a pro at disconnecting and recovery was not easy with school starting and Tara leaving...so I wasn't much fun. I couldn't handle the piddly arguments and complaints at work that are part of beginning a school year. I took everything too personal and then, when I had just started letting that wall down again, one person I had tried to let back in, showed that she was not safe.....I tried to discuss my hurt feelings over an incident at school, and she chose to not hear and without hearing my hurt, decided I was in the wrong.......SLAM! Door shut! Total disconnect.....I pulled away. Totally and completely. I told you, I'm good at self preservation......

So I lost another one of those relationships I thought was safe. I still had others, right? From that point on I wasn't sure. I know that my hormones were still trying to balance again....not that I can explain that to those who simply chose to not be there for me during this time.....but I know that is part of it. It seemed from the moment I shut the door on letting people in, I started questioning the intentions of all of those around me. Were they trustworthy? Would they be there if there was nothing I could offer them??? Where were the people who needed nothing from me but still wanted to be my friend???

I started seeing this dynamic at church....at school....at home....everywhere! Who really was there for ME? Not there because of what I could do for them! I'm still not really sure. I have even seen some of those closest friendships slip some now too. Is it me?? Is it because I have pulled so far away again? Probably....but I'm not sure I am willing to take all the blame.

I came to a place of saying "NO" and deciding that if I didn't want to do it, no one and nothing was going to guilt me in to doing it. It's funny, but did you know that people get mad when you say NO after you have always said YES even when you didn't want to!!! Did you also know that when you are not "useful" or being a "YES" person that you can be thrown away? I watched an organization do this to a dear friend of mine. I've watched people I thought were really close friends do this to us. It is hard to not put the walls up as high as they can go when these things happen.

So....I disconnect. I stop being involved. I retreat to the safety of my home and my family and I surround myself with only those I feel safe with. However, that is becoming even hard now days. I know that so much of this has come from those days of being ill. My immune system just seems to not fight off the colds, the viruses, the bugs that go around. I have something all the time. I'm not just being a baby, I am fighting all the germs with everything I have, but still....I'm run down. That leads to some emotional and spiritual disconnect. I miss those relationships. I miss those people I thought were going to be there for me. I miss having fun. I miss feeling like going and playing and laughing. All I want to do....all I feel like I can do is sleep. I want to rest....all the time! I have also missed lots of time with my church family.....but I can't say that I have been missed. Funny thing is, when you disconnect, people don't always notice. I was gone for 3 weeks straight....3 weeks....I was sick, Mike was out of town, then Chelsea was sick and only my Mom noticed....or said anything. That doesn't really lead to a warm fuzzy feeling or a desire to go back. Why should I when I can worship my God anywhere? So why go where you don't feel welcome?

It's easy to disconnect. It is easy to give up. I asked not too long ago "what happens when we quit trying?" Well, I see that while I have quit trying, others have not reached out to find out why. It is easy to disconnect when people don't choose to be actively connected to you.

Now what do I do.....stay disconnected? Try to replug in to where I was? But why? Why would I want to when it doesn't feel like I am wanted, much less needed? Do I seek that connection somewhere else? But where? How? I have put my wall up high enough that it is going to take some time to bring it back down and let people back in. Seems like and feels like that 6 years worth of work was destroyed in less than a year.

Now, before some of you, who know me well, start worrying....I am okay. I just feel very disconnected. I am in need of recharging. I need some excitement. I need to feel needed, wanted, and useful again. I need to serve where I can be ME and not a person that "fits" an image or is told to follow BLINDLY the one in charge. I need to be able to use the gifts I've been given openly and freely. I am in need of that retreat time alone with God for several days to find what HE is calling me to do. I still need to say NO and not let guilt continue to control my life. I need to delve in to His word again with women who are safe and allow me to be transparent but still encourage me to be more than I can imagine I can be.

On another note, I need to feel free to write what I feel and how I feel....therefore this blog is going to go private again. Unless you have been invited or asked to continue reading and I can "trust" you enough with my heart, you will not be able to continue reading. I won't apologize because to find me again, I have to be me again....open and honest and not being what others need....but what I am called to be.



I am looking to REconnect again but that will be a slow process and will require some time. I thank those of you who have been by me through this process......please keep holding me accountable to being true to myself and not being the Denise others think or want me to be. I remember struggling with this since my teen years.....I need to fine ME again......and connect my heart and mind and soul again to the only power which has sustained me this far.

Life right now....

I have to apologize to those of you who read this often. I have really let you down! Life right now has me in a bit of a "puddle". Sorry, that's BFG talk....again, sorry, that's the novel I just finished reading my kids at school. Love the book. Love the BFG! Anyhow, there is much going on and too much for me to process anything logical to read. So, for now, here is just an update.....

Ashton graduates college in a few hours.....I can not believe it! We are so super proud of her! She is teaching already and she and Todd are doing great. They just bought a new truck and seem to be managing just wonderfully on their own.

Tara is transferring colleges. HSU was great, but she has changed majors and can get her nursing degree at a less expensive college.....so she is off to TSU. We almost have everything done for her to be transferred and we are looking forward to hearing from financial aid to know what this semester will cost!!!

Chelsea is doing good. She has had a few rough patches, and is having to work extra hard in school this year. Hopefully she will get those study habits set before heading to jr high next year. She has had a hard time knowing where she fits sometimes. At church she is not one of the "little" kids and she is not one of the "youth group" yet either. She gets to do some youth activities but that has come with some struggles. Needless to say, she doesn't feel like she fits any where and it is hard to keep her motivated lately to want to be involved. This is so hard because our other girls never wanted to miss. She has also been hurt by some of the little girls in the way they treat her. She is such a sensitive little girl and wants everyone to be happy but she is enough like her mom that she doesn't do well with bossy people or mean people. It has just been hard on her. It is good that her sister is home and able to build her up a little more.

Mike and I are doing okay lately. Life has thrown us some curve balls. His work continues to be a place of stress. Some weeks are so busy I never see him and others are so slow we hope he continues to have a job. I'm guessing that means there won't be a Christmas bonus in our future! My work has been stressful at times. There just seems to be an air of discontent and jealousy surrounding us. Having this Christmas break will be good for all of us. A little time away will hopefully help us like each other better.

The other major thing affecting our lives right now is the decision we have made to no longer support or work within the ministry group we once gave so much time to. It has been a hard decision but one that we feel must be done. Pride and arrogance have taken over the leaders of the program and this has led to decisions that we can not support. I am so sad over this. I mark our time at this program as one of the turning points in our lives. Some deep friendships were made during these years of working together and I am grieving the loss of some of those and the realization that we will no longer be part of helping others together.

So I guess I can sum up life lately by saying it is stressful and in a state of unrest. There are some bright spots I must mention....one, my roof no longer leaks!!! This is wonderful and hopefully will help me start the process of trying to sell our house and eventually moving. Sometimes I want that move to be far from here and other times, I love where we live. Another bright spot are some of those people I work with. I love the times of practical jokes and giggling that I enjoy with "the twins!" They aren't really twins, but they are teaching partners and make it their goal in life to keep me on my toes!!! Scary thing is, I am starting to think like them!!!! I also love my teaching team. We are so drama free!!! We do our job, don't complain, back up each other, work together, stay out of each other's way, and really want to do what is best for our kids. I have had two great years of just enjoying my teaching group!

Okay...enough about me for tonight....Maybe during this Christmas break I can get caught up on writing. I do have some things bouncing around in my head, but I haven't been still long enough to put them on paper. My thought process right now has come from a FB message from God.....These are words I am living by right now. "Until you learn to say NO, you will never know when you want to say YES!" Think about that a little bit. I feel like this will be my next post.....I am realizing this is so many ways!!! So, check back soon....maybe I will write again! :)

Another thing and I really will sign off.....If you haven't seen the movie Blind Side, take the time to see it!!! It is thought provoking and really makes you want to be a better person and get involved in other's lives. Secondly, if you are crazy like me and a Twilight fan....go see New Moon!!! I confess....I love vampires and werewolves....but most of all I love love stories.....I know...crazy...but this is my guilty pleasure!!! It has been a great escape during some hard times lately.

I told you I would just ramble tonight but these things I know right now....I love my husband, I have amazing children, God is Good, and life is crazy......

Who's in the driver's seat?

Dreams seem to be where my subconscious decides to drive home some points of life. There are normal stressed-filled, can't get it all done...kind of dreams and then there are those that scream at me to be thought about and analyzed. These dreams have meaning and a message. This is my latest dream message....

I'm in a small SUV of some kind with 3 or 4 other friends. We are driving to somewhere....I'm not real sure of our destination. I am in the back passenger seat nearest the window. I am just merely there. Our trip continues and then it seems we are somewhere off the beaten path. There are cliffs rising up along the passenger side of the vehicle. It is a small, two-lane road that is winding through what seems to be a dark forest. The conversation in the vehicle turns to one of argument on the direction we should be going. Most are protesting the route we are on. We are even pleading to turn around and go back....to go another way. The driver insists we are going the right way and that she knows what she is doing. She continues down the road against our protests and concerns. We come to a curve in the road. Cliffs on one side, dark trees and a drop off on the other. The road is muddy and as we round the corner there is a flood of water rushing over the road. The driver insists we are safe. She pushes the engine harder and heads straight for the rushing water. We, the passengers, are yelling our fears and protests, and yet, we plunge ahead. The next image I still see in my head is the rushing brown muddy water filling the vehicle. I watch as we are trapped inside, the water rising quickly and I see it as it covers my eyes....and then my head. We are all lost.....

Two things hit me in this dream. One, I am not in control. I am not in the driver's seat. I am at the mercy of the one driving and they are not listening to my pleas. Two, I am drowning. I am drowning from the control that someone else has had over my life. I see the danger. I know what needs to be done, but I am trapped in the back seat, buckled in, and out of control. The destination is being decided for me and I have no voice in what happens next. So simply, I drown.

I know it is not a pleasant dream or interpretation, but to say this dream haunts me is an understatement. I have thought of it often. It plays over and over in my mind. I can still see and FEEL the water rising around me. I can see the brown muddy water as it takes over every part of me.

The questions I am asking myself are these: WHO is the one in control? WHY am I allowing them to have control? WHAT must I do to get out of the back seat of my life and back in to the driver's seat? WHEN am I going to get my voice back?

Drowning is a good interpretation of how I have felt about my life recently. Suffocating from the constant stress and pressures around me, much of which has been totally out of my control.

So for now, I am trying to find my way out....trying to regain a sense of control over my own destination. If I don't....I fear....it will take me under and I will never resurface. I am finding my voice....standing up for my needs and my desires and fighting for a new direction for my life. No more cliffs, dark corners or rushing rivers for me....No more uncaring, pushy, know-it-all drivers. I'm taking control again.....so I can live!

24 years ago today.....

I was sitting at a high school retreat for the weekend. We had just had breakfast and had gone in to have our morning devo time when the phone in the dinning hall rang. This was unusual because really no one called unless there was a problem. I looked at my friend and said...."that's for me" and a feeling of dread washed over me. I remember Johnny Adams answering the phone and then looked at me briefly, turned his head and said he would get me there. He hung up the phone and called me over...."Denise, your grandmother has had a heart attack. We have to get you back to Kaufman now."

The next hour or so flew by as we literally flew back home. I remember being in a daze. The ride was a blur. I remembered seeing my Granny earlier that week. She had been in ICU with chest pain, but had been moved to a regular room and was expected to go home over the weekend. She had been so excited when I had visited because my picture was in the paper. Homecoming was the next weekend and I was on the homecoming court. She couldn't quit talking about it! She smiled and assured me she was feeling so much better and would be home by the time I got back from my weekend trip......

Then we were at the hospital. My whole family was there. All my cousins were there too. Everyone had been in to see Granny but only one at a time. She had had a massive heart attack and was very critical. I was next. When the next time came to allow visitors, I was first to go.....they had been waiting on me. I started walking back to her room and again, dread rushed over me.....then all the alarms went off. I never made it in the door to see her. The nurses rushed in....Mom or Dad....I'm not sure which....pulled me back to the waiting room.....and my grandmother died....I saw my daddy cry....and life changed.

I miss her everyday. She was a tough lady. I often hear how she was tough on my dad and his siblings. She had to overcome so many struggles. She had a husband that didn't work often. My pawpaw was not an easy man to live with! His idol was John Wayne and he lived like that rough and tough cowboy. She had 5 children, two of which were twins. She never drove. She walked everywhere. She made a little house feel warm and big! My fondest memory of Granny is her huge hugs when I would walk in her house. You could not get by her without a bear hug. She was a small woman but had a tight grip when she hugged you! Another memory is her walking me the few blocks to the store to by "mem-n-mems" aka M&Ms. She loved her roses and she wore beautiful aprons and bonnets.

My mom and dad tell me I am a lot like her. I am about the only one who gets to talk to my dad the way I do, and Mom says it is because of how much like Granny I am! I miss her. I miss her unconditional love. She loved BIG. She loved no matter what. Twenty-four years ago today, I lost my Granny.

Season of Change

I love FALL! I truly do! The cooler temperatures, the colors of the season, and of course my birthday! Today as I was driving out to my mom's house, I passed a grove of trees that reminds me each year of the beauty of fall as they change from green, to golden and red. Nature really speaks to me and the cycle of life we see in them reminds me of changes in life that we too must go through. Each year we watch them go through transformation over and over. They never stay the same, they grow, bloom, display a healthy life of green, cast off old, have a time of rest, and then start growing and blooming all over again. The seasons in a tree's life are so easily seen and each year of this growing process creates a stronger tree marked by their many rings, which help them withstand the storms that are sure to come and blow through their lives. Oh the lessons we can learn from this grove of trees!


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 tells us the same thing about our lives....There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and time for peace.

I feel like I too am in this season of change. There have been so many changes around me that it has been hard to keep up. As most know about me, I am not fond of change. Change is hard on me even though I know that like the trees, there will be a new season coming. This season has seemed the season of losing leaves in my life. I have felt a lot of loss over the past months.

It started with the loss of my health. Not ever having had really any physical issues, this past year has been filled with physical illnesses. Facing my first surgery and since adjusting to the new normal "balance" of my life, has not been easy. Emotionally and physically it has taken a toll on my body. To say I have not bounced back quickly is an understatement. I am going through a lot of the motions, but not feeling back to being myself. With this going on, I have also learned a lot about friendship and the value of true friends that stand by you even when you feel like you are losing your mind. Those friends are the ones who have encouraged and listened and just let me cry when I needed to. I have been doing that a lot! They have been those people who didn't decide this was too hard a friendship to manage and stood by me when I have been "less than lovable." I have been cynical and hard or just too emotional at times for many people, myself included, and I have been blessed by those who have walked this road with me and not given up on me.

Another change I have been through was the moving of my second daughter to college. I still have not grieved this loss fully. I had been so excited for her and this new opportunity to expand her life and her circle of friends, that I did not allow myself to think about what her leaving me would mean. My house is quiet. Too quiet. I miss her smiling face and her silliness that would brighten my days! My home has dwindled from full to overflowing down to just one baby left and a very quiet place. Tara and I had grown very close in the years after Ashton moved out and then married. Tara has been someone who "got" me. We could be more than just mother and daughter. We have been good friends and I have missed that daily interaction more than I have admitted. (I am crying now since this is the first time I have admitted some of this and allowed myself to think about it.)

Other friendships have changed and some have even died over this current season of my life. Unfortunately life leads us all in different directions and we each must find our way with God on our own most of the time. Friendships help us along the way but it seems that when those become more of our focus than our relationship with God, that's when problems arise. I am learning again, that this life is about relationships, but my relationship with God comes before all other relationships. If my focus is not on Him then there will surely be times that I will not evaluate other relationships correctly. I fear I have put too much in to earthly friendships and failed to work on my relationship with my Father. This part of me is being pruned and trimmed daily and it hurts more than words can describe here. This part of change has left scares that will not be easily healed.

Work has offered up its own set of changes and challenges. Just having to begin a new school year allows for change but then to add in changes in gradebook and curriculum as well as scheduling almost makes it too much. After 5 weeks, I still do not feel I have settled in to a routine or have a good grasp on things. The feeling of unrest and irritation among co-workers and friends also adds to the stress. And now, we add in the illnesses that have attacked our school and left us with extra work in keeping all the kids caught up with their missing work! Not to mention now my own child is out sick!

For many years now we have been in a season of unrest and change at church. Though I feel we are coming out of that, I also still feel the affects of all the changes on my life. We made a stand several years ago that this is our home and our church family that we would support and work to rebuild. But right now, I feel just tired. Tired and worn from different battles that have been fought. Some were won, some lost. As we face a new beginning with our youth ministry and our home team, I am seeking some rest and restoration for my soul. I will say I have felt a great loss in the past several months and it is hard for me to even want to get back in the fight. I want to help rebuild. I want to be excited and positive, but truthfully, there is a lot of hurt that still needs to be mended in my heart. Please don't hear that I am upset with our church family, I am not. I am just battle weary and in need of rest and truthfully need encouragement as well.

This season has become a time for me to die to myself, uproot from my comfortable routines, a time to heal from hurts, a time to build new relationships or rebuild old ones, it has been a time of weeping and mourning, and a time of gathering stones that have been thrown my way. It is a time of searching for truth and who I am meant to be as well as refraining from doing too much, a time to throw away old habits and mend those broken places in my heart. It is my time to be silent and to love those who want my love and friendship. It is time for me to find some peace again.

The hope I find in this is that even as the tree dies to itself, changes it colors, drops all its leaves and becomes bare and exposed to the world, it also takes a time of rest and then in the spring, comes to life again.

When.........

When does enough become enough? When are you allowed to just quit? When does it mean that you have gone as far as you can go? How long do you have to keep going before you just finally stop?

I've asked myself these questions a lot tonight. I have wondered how long I must continue being the one to give in and let things go. When do I just stop being the doormat and start taking care of myself? How many times do I let things go and just forgive and move on? How many times do we sweep stuff under the rug and leave words unspoken?

I am so tired of being the nice one. The one who does the right thing. The one who never gets angry or hurt or wounded....and when I do I am wrong in doing that as well. Must I always be strong? Must I always be gentle? Must I always be perfect?

I am frustrated. I don't understand why some people are allowed to speak whatever is on their mind....no matter how hurtful....and then never pay for the hurt they inflict on others. How many times do I put myself in a position to be the one hurt? How many times do I hold my chin up, smile, and pretend that everything is okay? And then, once I do, I am criticized for not seeming breakable! Broken and beaten is more how I feel. Rejected and abused. Taken for granted and over-looked. All to keep up the pretense of everything being okay.

Those of us who are introverted, sensing, feeling, don't always share so openly our feelings or make known our hurts. We don't attack others verbally or in writing when we feel injustice. We take everything to heart. We store it up and think on it often. It's not that we won't forgive....forgive is easy. Forgetting is impossible. Those words and hurts become a part of us and make us withdraw more in to ourselves. Just because we are reserved does not me we are judging or cold. We are protecting ourselves the only way we know how.

Friendships should be more tenderly handled. Words should be more gently used. Feelings should be considered. And eventually when all else fails, boundaries should be set that keep future hurts from being received.

Ephesians 4:32....Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another....even as God for Christ sake has forgiven you.

Recovery....

Last week about this time I was starting to get nervous. I was staying busy and trying to accomplish every thing I possibly could in a short amount of time. It has seemed that my summer has been that way. On the days I have felt well, I have tried to accomplish more than necessary because I never knew if the next day would be a good day or not. I guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. I didn't realize how constant my pain had become. My normal was not a good place to be.

I have to say I dreaded Friday. As I read people post how ready they were for the weekend, I, for once, wanted the week to go slow and not speed to the end. As Friday got closer, my fear and anxiety got stronger. Sleep became a non-existent thing in my life. Surgery was coming quickly and I was not ready.

I would like to say my faith was so strong that I had no fear and that I was confident in God's protection. I can't say that. I was a mess. I did get better and did feel God saying I would be okay, but fear was controlling my life. I cried more and took in every moment like it was my last. I think NOW how silly I was being, but still it was where I was at the time, so even now I can't be mad at myself. I will try to explain....

I have never had surgery. My experience with hospitals was having babies....I would come home with a PRIZE for my time in the hospital. Even though those times did bring fears with them, it was different. There wasn't some unknown something wrong with me. There was a prize at the end of those hospital stays. This time was different. We knew there was a problem. At least 3 fibroid tumors, golf ball sized, were causing me pain that would keep me in bed and make me feel that everything inside of me was rebelling against me. After visiting with my doctor, I knew she had a plan on taking them out and "looking" for any other problems that might be going on. With the pain I had, I knew there had to be more. So, fear grew.....

Thursday was hard. It was a busy day filled with doctor's appointment and preadmission stuff....getting blood drawn, having an EKG, filling out tons of papers, etc. I also had several things to do before I was unable to do anymore! I had bills to make sure were paid. Shopping that had to be done. It felt like I was planning on being gone for an undetermined amount of time. Which in my mind was true. I had no idea what would happen.

Friday came and I kissed my girls goodbye and Mike and I headed to the hospital. Two hours early, like instructed, and then sat there waiting and waiting and waiting. That was not good on my nerves. Mike was great. Holding my hand and reassuring me the whole time. Then it was time for more paper work. More tests. Friends and family started showing up to wait with Mike and then it was time. Back to the pre-op room to get ready. Have you ever worn compression stockings? Ask me about them sometime. Those were interesting! :) Sitting in a cold room with many others, only separated by curtains. Doctors in and out. Answering the same questions over and over....the wrong doctor coming in to see me....a little unsettling. Then finally a calm presences....my anesthesia tech. Calm. Explaining each step to us. Finally a little peace. Once the IV was in and my doctor came to see me, it was time. Again, I kissed Mike and Ashton goodbye and told them I would see them soon. I looked at the lights as they rolled me down the hall and in to the OR while listening somewhat to the chatter of my nurse and the anesthesia tech. I remember being moved to the table from the bed and then...........................

Over two hours later I began waking up in recovery. Over two hours in surgery and then almost 2 1/2 in recovery...maybe more. It was about 5:30 when I finally got to my room. My surgery started at 11:10. I remember the nurse waking me up and me fighting to get out of bed. I wanted up. I wanted to see Mike and I needed to talk to Ashton before she left for work. I wanted them to know I was okay. I wanted them to know I was awake. I needed to see them. Can you believe the nurse called me "combative?" ME? I guess I probably was. I didn't really know what was going on at first. Once I did, I calmed down and just waited, but I really wanted my family with me. Finally they started moving me to my room. I vaguely remember that. It is such a blur. I just remember seeing my hubby, then I was able to rest.

The rest has been about the same. Mike made sure I made it through that first night. Along with him, my friend, really more of a sister, also stayed with me through the night. Talking to me when I would rattle on and on about who knows what or when I was needing to push the button to send me a bit more pain medication. I watched the two of them fight to stay awake just to make sure I was okay. I was relieved when they each took a turn at sleeping. Then the next day with my family and friends coming up to see me. Most of the morning was still a blur. I was not really feeling well, but after lunch, after another nap, I started to get some strength back. Sunday was the best! It was so nice to have all 3 of my girls with me for the first time. My baby girl got to come up and climbed in bed with me. That was perfect. Then my friends joined us and we celebrated Sunday together.

Home is great. I'm tired and moving slowly. I just feel so blessed to have my family with me and to be back at home. I survived surgery. I survived the unknown and it looks like they got everything that was giving me trouble. Now it is time for rest and recovery. Parts of me want to get up and get busy, but then my body reminds me that I must rest. I'm just happy to be home, with my family.

Locked inside my mind.....

It has been a while since I've been able to blog. Most of what comes out lately is just too raw to post so publicly. If you are part of my other blog, I have written a little there, but it is not something I could but on here. Sorry....

I am facing surgery on the 10th and it seems that is all my brain can focus on. For now, that's the best I can do. I ask that you pray for me to be able to go forward without fear and to know that God is in control. Logically, I know these things. Emotionally is a bit different. Maybe I will be able to process and post soon. For now, things are just locked very tightly inside my mind.

Click click click

I usually title my writing before I start, but today I just didn't know where this might go....so the title will come when I finish. I started thinking about feeling on the outside looking in...as I often feel I am doing, then my mind went to being in the middle of a situation that I just don't know how to fix. Polar opposite feelings. Such a strange place to be and such mixed feelings.

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside of the "group"? I sat in a meeting today and watched all the social groups gather together. Everyone navigated to their comfort zones and grabbed chairs for their best buddies to sit with them. Some groups are impenetrable. Their tight knit circle will not allow any others in. Others are a bit more flexible, but still, very defined. Then there was mine. I sat alone for a while and then slowly those who did not have a defined group joined me. Yet, in our own way we were a "group" too. Still, by the end, I felt outside that little circle as well.

Why is it that all my life I have felt left out? I don't understand why I always feel so unimportant and so insignificant. I sat with 3 friends and as I listened to their conversations, I realized I had no clue what was going on in their lives. I have not been part of these events and found myself unable to join in the discussion. Why is that? Am I too self absorbed to get involved or am I left out because I am not thought of??? Is it me....or is it them? These are the questions I find myself coming back to over and over. So, being true to form, I excused myself from the group as soon as appropriate and went on my way working on what I needed to finish. I walked by the table one more time a few minutes later to find them still engaged in meaningful conversation and felt like my presence was not even missed.

I chalked it up to just me feeling left out and moved on....but then later again today the groups developed again as we gathered for lunch. It was very obvious who was included with which group. Just felt like high school all over again. Me? I sat with my closest friend who always accepts me just for me. So even on the outside of the groups, I had my own little circle.

That leads me to the other feeling of the day. As outside the ring as I feel at times, I have my own circle I do fit in. I have been blessed with this in the last few years. My coffee girls accept me just as I am too. No more no less...just me. Being in this circle brings so much good to my life. I wish we could work or worship together more and have those connections throughout the week. Great responsibility has come from those relationships too. Knowing what is going on in someone else's most personal parts of life makes you become a bit responsible for them. You hurt when they hurt. You rejoice when they rejoice and you suffer when they suffer. Heart strings that become so strong that you feel them from miles away are connected and become part of who you are. I find myself wanting to help fix their problems when I know I can't. I want to intervene when I see things hurting them but still know I can not change things for them. It is hard being that close and not being able to make things better for those you care so much about.

Relationships and navigating the world doesn't stop at the end of high school. I know so often we pretend they do. We even tell graduates that life will be different when they don't have to be around the same people every day, but that's not exactly true. We still have to be able to pick and choose our friends. We still have to decide which social group we will "run" with. We still get left out by those we want to "fit in" with. There are still drama queens, attention hogs, power trippers, super athletes, nerds/geeks, and the socially unacceptable every where we go. The challenge is to find a way to be friends with all of them and accept them where they are without judgements.

I now find myself in the "older wiser" group. I'm not sure if I like that feeling of not being the "young fun" group anymore. I don't even think it is cool to "hang out" with me any more! LOL! I choose to hang out with others who have similar morals as myself. I like good clean fun and find myself busy with my older children and not the baby/toddler group of moms. I've learned that some things are just not that important, like power or fame or being in the center of everything. I watch as others make choices that will effect the rest of their lives. I don't enjoy hanging out with people who feel better about themselves by talking about others. That is so Jr. High to me. I guess I have joined the old fuddy-duddy group! :)

I wish there was a way to function in this world without the segregated groups. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along and accept each other? From political groups, to class groups, social club groups, and religious groups we find different "clicks" within each of the larger divisions. Someone is always going to be left out. Someone will always have their feelings hurt. Today, it was me....and I am old enough to not get caught up in these kind of things, but sometimes it still hurts.

When God Winks....

Have you ever thought about what a wink means? Why do you wink? Sometimes a wink means..."I like you." Sometimes it means..."I see what you are doing." And then other times it can mean "I understand what is going on and I'm okay with it." Or my favorite wink is..."Watch this! You're going to like what I'm going to do!" Any way you look at it, a wink seems to be a good thing. It is a positive nonverbal gesture. It has some affirmation attached to it or at least a bit of positive expectation.

A friend of mine was reading a book called something like "God Winks." It was about how things happen that seems so impossible that only God could have made it happen the way it did. It is one of those feel good books about God working in our lives for good in the most remarkable ways. I learned about this book during what could have only been my own personal wink from God. Let me explain....

Some friends of mine had planned a trip to Destin during the month of May to celebrate one of the girl's birthday. May is a crazy month for me and with all the graduation plans that are going on, I knew I could not take a week off from school. I had already used up all my sick leave time and knew I could not lose a weeks' worth of pay. I had resigned myself to missing out on the fun and living vicariously through the pictures and emails my friends would send to me during the week. I have to say I was sad and wished I could go, but knew there was just no way I could. My friends had not come to grips with the idea as well as I had. They had even plotted behind my back to try to collect money to make up for what I would be docked if I took off so I could go. But in the end, we all said good-bye and tears were even shed as we left each other....them to head off on the road, and me back to school.

They drove all night through the pouring rain as I tossed and turned and prayed all night for their safe trip. We shared emails on Monday as I once again reassured them I was okay with not being there and that I wanted them to have a blast and fill me in on all the details later. Yes, I was a bit sad, but still happy for them and content to be at home and work.

This is when God chose to wink.....

That night during our small group, we got a phone call from our principal notifying us that our school would be closing for 13 days due to the swine flu!!! Seriously. One suspected case and the health department recommended our closing. We were shocked and excited. I quickly sent a text to my friends who were enjoying their first full night at the beach and that's when the wink became so obvious!

The girls called me. "When can you get here?" I could not figure out how to drive there alone. It would be a 12 hour trip and I couldn't do that alone. Then the next phone call came....."Will you fly if we get you a flight?" Now, I have NEVER flown EVER and they knew this was a near impossible thing for me to do. Fear holds me so captive! I wasn't sure I could. I still was resigned to staying put and enjoying the time off at home. Then the next call came, "We have a seat for you on the same flight with Lorrie." Lorrie was flying down for 3 days and flying back early. There was a seat...RIGHT BESIDE HER....on the flight and I could have it if I would agree to fly. So, without another thought, I said yes!!! My flight was paid for and before I knew it I was in the air flying to Florida! Three full days on the beach with some of my best friends, listening to the wind and the waves, enjoying the sunrise and sunset, and I was there!!!



I kept waiting to wake up and find out it was all a dream. I never even entertained the thought of getting to go. I knew I couldn't. I resigned myself to enjoying the trip through their stories. I was really at peace with it all.....then God winked! Who would have ever thought that on the week that my friends were in Florida, without me, that a suspected case of swine flu would close our school and allow me to fly on the same flight with another girl and join the vacation? How did all the pieces fall together so easily? How did the first flight of my life turn out to be so smooth on a day with storms all around? How did it happen that when I left and the possibility of reopening the school before the 13 days had passed was proposed that it turned out that I got the whole week off WITH pay and got to enjoy the trip???? It had to be a wink!!!



Our God is amazing! He takes things and makes them what He wants them to be. I have to say that I could not have MADE this happen. There was no way I could have controlled, arranged, manipulated the events to make anything near this happen. It was all such a perfectly laid out trip that only God could have put these pieces together for me.

I can not imagine that my little vacation away with my accountability group/friends would be important enough to our Father that He would chose to wink my way.....but I believe He did. There is no other explanation that fits. I don't believe in coincidence. I don't believe in chance, fate or destiny. I believe in God and His ways. This was such a special gift and however it happened and for whatever reason, this wink will never be forgotten!

My battle plan....

This has been one of those months. I knew when the calendar turned to April that my life would become a whirlwind, but I had no idea what all that would include. Each weekend in this month has involved me being out of town. Not being able to veg out on my couch and catch up on sleep after a week of work is harmful to my health! I am one of those girls that needs some down time and I have not had any in a month.

Before you think I am just going to complain, I want you to know this has been a very rewarding month too, despite my over active schedule. I was blessed to train in The Road seminar in Tyler two of the weekends. I watched my baby girl perform at LTC in puppets and drama another weekend and then last weekend, Tara and I made a trip out to Abilene to register her for college in the fall. It has been a blessed month in a lot of ways, but it still has left my mind and body exhausted.

Along with this exhaustion has come some attacks on my spiritual well being. I know when I go in to the battle of training at Roads, that I need to be prayed up and confessed up. I also know that when we go in to seminar with the purpose of sharing Christ and helping others find freedom from their pasts we paint a big red target on our lives. That has been true again this month. It has been stronger and harder than I ever remember it being.

It started before seminar began....towards the end of March. A direct attack on my self esteem has lingered all month because I have not been able to relax, think, write or process out the feelings I have had. I have found myself becoming fearful and not trusting. I have begun to be suspicious of secrets and lies. I have become angry and have not known where that anger was coming from. I have had to look at this part of my life again and work on walking through it to gain any part of my esteem back.

I am super blessed to have my hubby and friends there for me when I have been struggling. It is almost a night and day change today from yesterday. I know their prayers have made a major impact on my mind. Those scriptures on taking "every thought captive" have become my battle plan. I also am going to practice being still and knowing God this weekend. My Bible has to be beside me right now. In my weakness I am looking for His strength. I am battle weary and my armor needs some polishing.

In all of this I have wanted to run and hide. Withdraw from society and isolate myself. It had always worked for me in the past. Hide in my hole and not come out until absolutely necessary. But this time, I am just taking a little rest, but still reaching out. No hiding for me. I know that my enemy would love for me to feel isolated and unloved. I know he would feed my insecurities and destroy my trust. I know that I would find myself alone because I would have pushed everyone away. Not this time....I am hanging on to my support group, my girls who hold me accountable and my family who have watched this battle before and have stood by me each time.

Time to rest....time to refuel....time to fight back and get strong again. Time to be still and listen and remember who I am to Him. Time for me.....

The Road we are on....

I'm really irritated...this is part of my "living"...acknowledging my emotions! I get to spend weekends every now and then watching God break down barriers and walls in the lives of people. It is absolutely awe-inspiring seeing God work. I am so blessed to get to have a ring side seat in the miracles, and yes, they are miracles! The thing that upsets me are those who are closed off to the idea of this program just because it is not something they "know" everything about. Now before I go any further, I want to say I am not thinking of just one person or two. There are several who have turned their noses up at it for one reason or another. The sad thing is that they are only hurting themselves. They are the ones missing out and those of us on the other side see this as very sad. Our excitement to share what we have gained and what we have seen God do sometimes takes people time to get use to. I get that. We are a pumped up group and our group is growing. We can be a bit pushy too because all we want is for others to have what we have gotten.

So, my irritation comes from those who are just negative about what we are doing. I had a friend give the example in a lesson about a man who chose to go in to the bars to meet people right where they are and teach them about Christ. He made many people upset with the idea of it being okay to go in to bars to reach people....hum, where did Jesus go??? I believe he came to save the lost! Isn't that our mission too? Saving those who are lost? Leading others to Christ? Well, that is what The Road does. We meet people right where they are. We help them face the things that are holding them back from reaching where God wants them to be and we walk with them through the fires to get to the other side. Sad thing is, I can't share that with some of my friends because they don't want to hear it. They don't want to know what we have been through. It upsets me because I really need their support and their covering with prayers when I am in this battle. We are in such a spiritual battle when we go in with the purpose of helping set those bound in sin find freedom in Christ. Mike and I have been under extreme attack this last month and after part 1 of this seminar, I understand why. Each attack and our response to it, led us to a place of being able to help those who we came in to contact with this weekend. It has helped us see the sins separate from the person. I has allowed me to see that there are many victims when it comes to sin and sometimes the victim is the one committing the sin. But, I can't share that with my friends who have not been where we have been, because frankly, they don't want to hear it.

So, I feel the attacks still coming. We have been being hit from every direction. Now, our friendships seem to be in the crosshairs. This I know....God is with us...He will see us through this and I have to turn these friendships over to Him again. He is my focus. His will and His mission is my goal. Serving and helping others reach a relationship with Christ is so much more than living....it is life itself! I had forgotten how much training opens my heart up and awakens my mind. I had forgotten how truly close to God I must walk to be protected from the arrows that are being fired at me. I ask that you pray for Mike and I as we reenter this battle. We need the prayers of the faithful for protection because never before have we had such a target on us. Pray for those that we come in contact with that we can proclaim freedom for the captives and that all will come to know Christ. Pray for our friendships that are dear to us and are strained. Pray that God holds all of us close to Him so that we can do His will.

If you are interested in learning more about The Road Adventure please check it out: www.theroadadventure.org

So much.....

Wow....so much is going on. So much has gone on that I don't really know where to start. Life is just such a roller coaster and a beautiful ride at the same time. I am blessed...blessed beyond my imagination and then on days I feel that life is almost too much to understand. One day is up and the next day is down. No, my emotional state is not at question here....I'm really in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in a very long while. I am just feeling and living and being as alive as I possibly can. It is just so much!

Sometimes living and feeling is so painful. To feel the pain of loss is hard. To allow yourself to cry and feel the pain of the hurt is to live. To stuff it down in those dark controlled places is faking life. The loss of my cousin hit me so hard I could not figure out where the intensity of the pain came from. We were not close. He was several years younger than me and his family had moved to North Carolina many years ago. We had spent very few holidays together and truly, I did not "know" him. However, he is my baby cousin and I remember holding him and playing with him as a baby. He is also my family. A life so young and with so much ahead of him was cut so short. I have been depressed to a point before of wondering if life was worth the hard work it took to live, but never to the point of giving up. Such a tragic end to a beautiful young man. The tears that flowed from losing him were felt from my toes to the inner part of my soul.

Sometimes living is feeling fear. To fear is to put life in perspective. Fear of illness. Fear of death. Fear of loss. Fear. Fear made my eyes open to how much I have before me right now. Fear made me look at what I would lose if I didn't fight for life. Fear showed me how special love is. Fear made me move from static life to full life. Fear pushed me back in to living. Fear made each moment matter for a lifetime. Fear of facing illness that could change my life forever pulled me back to life. Fear of losing my life caused each day to be sweeter.

Sometimes living is hurting. Again, walking through the hurt, facing it head on and walking through it so it can't hold you paralyzed. Allowing hurt to be seen can only allow life to grow. If hurt is not acknowledged then it can not be healed. Hiding the hurt keeps healing from happening and it also keeps others from being able to help you live again. The minute I allowed that hurt and weakness be seen, the moment healing began and I could live again instead of drowning and losing my life in pity. Allowing Mike to know what had hurt me gave him the opportunity to mend that hurt and show his love for me. Being weak allowed our life together to grow. It allowed us to really live....together.

Sometimes living is sharing. Sharing those precious moments in life with others instead of keeping them all to yourself is living. Spending hours and days sharing the inner parts of yourself with others and finding acceptance brings validation to my life. It brings the meaning of living to a sweeter place. Sharing with my coffee girls and being truly transparent with people who love me for me no matter what allows me to know that I am just a girl....a girl with hopes, dreams, hurts and real fears.

Sometimes living is serving. Serving is where life begins. Life jumps out at you and shows you where you are meant to be. Serving enriches your soul. Serving gives meaning to all the garbage you may go through and gives a way to make beauty out of ugliness in life.

I know I've rambled about life, but for me life is full. In the last month alone it has been full of pain, sorrow, fear, grief, shame, pity, loneliness, depression, gratitude, anger, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, compassion, jealousy, happiness and pure joy. All these plus many more have made me see that living is feeling. Living must happen no matter where you are emotionally. To choose not to live is to choose death...whether it is a real death or a spiritual death...neither are okay. Neither gives glory to God. The only way to glorify God is to live in whatever circumstance that comes your way. I had to make the choice to live....no matter what comes my way!

These 2 songs have been in my dreams and on my mind for this month....I've shared them before, but they are so worth hearing again....Live!

Fight for yourself!

I just have to say I am really ticked right now. You see for 10 years I have begged for doctors to listen to me. I knew something was not right with my body. I knew there had to be a reason why I never had any energy. Why I would have major mood swings and then cry all day. I knew it was not normal. I knew there had to be something wrong. I also knew that my monthly battles with pain was more intense than they should be. But no...all the doctors would ever say was, "Oh, you are 30 something, you have 3 children and a husband, you work full time, you should be tired. You need to exercise more and eat better. That will help." Well, right now I would like to say something less than appropriate, because we all know that was a bunch of bull.

Seriously, I have fought this battle for a while. I have had antidepressants shoved my way every time I say I feel blue or down or can't figure out why I cry so much. Or better yet, I say I have no energy or desire to do anything and I must be depressed and just need to take better care of myself and here...take this pill...it will help! Over and over and over I have fought this battle and even changed doctors just to hear the same thing again...."You are having a regular cycle, you are fine. Your hormones are working. Exercise, eat right, you'll feel better." UGH!!! I'm so tired of it! I KNEW something else was wrong but I trusted this traditional method of medicine to care for me and now I am looking at surgery which could have all been avoided if....IF they had done something about my hormone imbalance 10 years ago!

I found out today, from a wellness clinic that I went to with some friends to get our hormones tested, that I am severely low in progesterone. Normal is 300....my count is 60. Hum, could that possibly explain some of the problems I am having? YES! That means my estrogen is way out of wack. I had bought a book about hormone imbalances and even taken it to the doctor with me at one time with a list of symptoms. However, they were dismissed because I cycle regularly. Here are some of the symptoms of high/dominant estrogen: bloating, pounding headaches, weight gain/inability to lose weight, volatile emotions, UTERINE FIBROIDS, depression, joint pain, irritability, water retention and the list goes on and on. Symptoms of low progesterone almost perfectly match these too!

I am just floored. I am angry and feel so cheated by our health system that pushes pills to fix things instead of naturally looking at what the underlying problem might be. Ten years I have begged for help. Ten years I have been told it is in my head and given a pill to fix it. Ten years of allowing these fibroids to grow and cause more pain than I had to suffer.

I have trusted blindly in "the system" for health care and had wonderful doctors, but doctors who have not gone to the source of the problem. They have worked as reactive instead of proactive in getting to the true problem. I would even say that this has been going on longer than just 10 years. As far back as high school I can remember dealing with many of these same issues and not finding any help. I have never given much credit to natural remedies and thought some of that was just weird. But now, after taking this extra step....a leap of faith...and going somewhere where I was listened to and HEARD about my symptoms...I am finding there may be some hope. (A side note here...this place has licensed PA's supervised by MDs that are trained in hormone imbalances and treatment of them. They are not quacks!) There may be something that can be done. It may be too late to save me from surgery, but I assure you I will not let it keep me from feeling better in the future.

I guess the point of this besides just letting me vent is to say, if you know something just does not seem right and you don't feel like you are being heard or treated appropriately....find someone who will listen. Seek out help. Don't settle for just being pacified with the latest and greatest pharmaceutical. Get real answers. You have to fight for yourself, because no one else does it matter as much to than YOU!

A New Set of Challenges....

So, today marked a new day for me. After days of hurting I finally agreed to go to the doctor to make my family happy. I was pretty much guilted in to going. I had decided I was just having a bout of stomach bug again and that it would all go away, but to keep my crew happy, I went. I was set that the worse case scenario would mean possibly appendicitis. Or best case, a bad bout with gas. Neither was the case. I really wasn't prepared for the results. It was the last thing I even considered. Fibroid tumors. I have at least 3 on/in my uterus. Good news is that it is pretty common. Since mine are causing me pain it means I will be having surgery. The great HYSTERECTOMY! I just love being 40.

I am a bit nervous. I've never had surgery. Three babies, but no other surgeries/hospitalizations. I am really not looking forward to this and I am not trying to think about it much. I don't want to over think it or even plan anything beyond today. If I do I will not be able to continue moving forward. There is that part of me that wants to really think about this and consider all the possibilities, but I can't. I really can't.

How am I feeling? Shocked, nervous, a bit scared, and still in pain. I am ready to feel better but not go through this. I keep hearing it is going to be the best thing I've ever done, but right now I don't want to do it.

Today was a shocker and even though it is not the worst thing in the world, it is still something. Something I am not ready for. Something I didn't ask for. Something I want to go away and not have to do. Why couldn't it have just been a bug? I would have settled for a bad case of gas! LOL! I didn't want to find this or ever have to face this. Right now I want to throw a fit and be mad and then again, I know it is not really a big bad thing. But it is my thing. Good bad and ugly...it is my thing to deal with.

Enough of my pity party ramble. I would love any prayers you feel like sending up. I need them for courage. I need them for healing. I want it to be an easy thing. I want the next sonogram to show things are not as bad as they appeared. I want the tumors to shrink on their own. I want the removal to be simple and not complicated. I don't want to watch my girls worry or my husband be fearful. I want all of this to be gone. Quickly....easily...painlessly....and NOW!