Tonight I can't sleep....every time I close my eyes I flash back to a time in my life that seemed like the end of the world. Somewhere in that time my spirit was broken. I had always been a go getter...loving life and living it....but then I learned something I had never known before....I wasn't enough.
This came after a breakup way back in high school, long before Mike and I started dating. Actually, he was lucky I even went out with him because I had sworn off all guys from Kaufman about that time! I was too trusting until this point in my life. I believed what I heard and trusted that those words would never be proven wrong. Then I learned, not everyone is trustworthy. Learning this lesson just about broke me. I tried to destroy myself in the months that followed. I was sick and tired of being the "good girl" that never seemed to be enough to hold on to a boyfriend. So, I set out to be NOT a good girl. I was doing pretty good and learning how to not be what I once was....I was angry, bitter, scared, and heartbroken. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for the same kind of lines in two different relationships. Both had lasted months and months and seemed to be "real" but amazingly the ones I thought loved me and I thought I could trust, broke me in to tiny pieces.
I remember one night crying so much that my momma came in to my room and just tickled my back while I cried and cried. This one was the hardest one. I had really given my heart and thought he had too. But soon his drinking and eventually drugs took away the guy I had fallen for and left someone who cared less about me and more about the next "good time" he was going to have.
So why is this memory haunting me tonight? Because I just sat on my baby girl's bed and tickled her back and brushed through her hair and held her as she sobbed her heart out. She has been crushed. She finally found someone who she felt safe enough with to let her guard down. She thought he was her best friend....and now she fears even that is gone. And sadly, she doesn't even know why it has come to this. He says he can't trust her because she had not told him some things before he learned them tonight. They are little things in comparison to what he has done.
The other reason it is bringing up these emotions is that he is very similar to my heart breaker. The drinking and partying may have now become too much for her to be able to handle the consequences. Regardless, she loves him...as much as one can at this stage of a relationship. And he has decided he doesn't trust her more than he loves her.....
The thing that hit me so hard tonight was hearing my feelings from my heartbreak come out of her mouth...."I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me." How can she think that? How can being a girl who has chosen purity and God not be good enough? How can a girl who chooses not to drink, smoke, or do drugs not be good enough? My heart is breaking for her tonight...or I should say this morning. I know when this happened to me was when I put up a wall that said, "You won't get to me....I will NOT feel like this again!" And then I did my best to drink those feelings away.....It didn't work and it added more hurt on top of the pain I already was feeling. I can not stand the idea of my baby girl feeling what I felt or trying to cover up those feelings like I did.
I have always prayed for the young man who would one day win my baby's heart. I know he is out there and I know I don't get to pick him for her. This young man that has hurt her would not have been my pick....but truth is, my hubby probably was not my parents' pick for me either. However he was who God intended for me. I'm still praying for the young man that will win my girl's heart....even if it ends up being this one that has wounded her so deeply tonight. My tears roll as I think of her words and remember her sobs and as I remember that broken girl I was so many years ago.
God, my prayer is for her heart...that You guard it and keep it from shattering to pieces. I pray that she doesn't change to fit anyone or to try to keep anyone. I pray for the young man you have purposed for her, that he be one of yours and that when he comes in to her life that she will know and allow her heart to open again. Lord I just pray you stay very close to my baby girl in all the moments I'm not there and the moments she feels she can't share with me. Thank you Lord for mending my heart and for watching over her's. In Your Son's Name....Jesus... Amen
4 comments:
It is so hard being young in this world these days---just as much as when we were girls---which seems like such a long time ago. I pray that she will know that anyone not willing to wait for her is not good enough for her---not the other way around. It took me a long time to learn that --and I pray that all of our girls can embrace this and feel that they are enough. I know your pain and struggle with the same things. Lord, please help us all find our worth in You. To know that we are enough and not to let the evil one pray on our weaknesses. In Christ's name. Amen
Denise, I prayed for daughters, and not a day has gone by that I don't pray thanks fro not answering my prayers. I cannot imagine going through the anguish with a daughter. You are an amazing mom, and you are just what she needs to get through this. Your strength and amazing faith are wonderful examples for her, and God knew just what He was doing making her your daughter. You are both in my prayers.
Love,
D
Thank you girls....The prayers are much needed for my girl and for me to guide her through these days. One big blessing in this is that once again she has trusted ME with some of her innermost feelings and has confessed her short comings and fears to me....I am touched as her mother to be her friend who she trusts. Love you all...
D:
She is so blessed to have you as her mom - you can relate to her in a way some mom's cannot. You knew that just sitting by her and being there for her was all that you could do - some mom's would have been in "fix it mode" as my mother did (not what I wanted at the time - even though I know she meant well) some mom's would have been oblivious to the fact that it even happened. God knows her path and He put you there to be her comfort. I too have had some "bad' experiences and some I chose a good path and some I did not. It is very hard to be a girl in this day and age. I pray that she will find a peace and that God will touch her broken heart. I pray that God will rally good people to bring her up. Continue to pray for her and be there for her. LOVES to you and your girls.
Amy
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