Life right now....

I have to apologize to those of you who read this often. I have really let you down! Life right now has me in a bit of a "puddle". Sorry, that's BFG talk....again, sorry, that's the novel I just finished reading my kids at school. Love the book. Love the BFG! Anyhow, there is much going on and too much for me to process anything logical to read. So, for now, here is just an update.....

Ashton graduates college in a few hours.....I can not believe it! We are so super proud of her! She is teaching already and she and Todd are doing great. They just bought a new truck and seem to be managing just wonderfully on their own.

Tara is transferring colleges. HSU was great, but she has changed majors and can get her nursing degree at a less expensive college.....so she is off to TSU. We almost have everything done for her to be transferred and we are looking forward to hearing from financial aid to know what this semester will cost!!!

Chelsea is doing good. She has had a few rough patches, and is having to work extra hard in school this year. Hopefully she will get those study habits set before heading to jr high next year. She has had a hard time knowing where she fits sometimes. At church she is not one of the "little" kids and she is not one of the "youth group" yet either. She gets to do some youth activities but that has come with some struggles. Needless to say, she doesn't feel like she fits any where and it is hard to keep her motivated lately to want to be involved. This is so hard because our other girls never wanted to miss. She has also been hurt by some of the little girls in the way they treat her. She is such a sensitive little girl and wants everyone to be happy but she is enough like her mom that she doesn't do well with bossy people or mean people. It has just been hard on her. It is good that her sister is home and able to build her up a little more.

Mike and I are doing okay lately. Life has thrown us some curve balls. His work continues to be a place of stress. Some weeks are so busy I never see him and others are so slow we hope he continues to have a job. I'm guessing that means there won't be a Christmas bonus in our future! My work has been stressful at times. There just seems to be an air of discontent and jealousy surrounding us. Having this Christmas break will be good for all of us. A little time away will hopefully help us like each other better.

The other major thing affecting our lives right now is the decision we have made to no longer support or work within the ministry group we once gave so much time to. It has been a hard decision but one that we feel must be done. Pride and arrogance have taken over the leaders of the program and this has led to decisions that we can not support. I am so sad over this. I mark our time at this program as one of the turning points in our lives. Some deep friendships were made during these years of working together and I am grieving the loss of some of those and the realization that we will no longer be part of helping others together.

So I guess I can sum up life lately by saying it is stressful and in a state of unrest. There are some bright spots I must mention....one, my roof no longer leaks!!! This is wonderful and hopefully will help me start the process of trying to sell our house and eventually moving. Sometimes I want that move to be far from here and other times, I love where we live. Another bright spot are some of those people I work with. I love the times of practical jokes and giggling that I enjoy with "the twins!" They aren't really twins, but they are teaching partners and make it their goal in life to keep me on my toes!!! Scary thing is, I am starting to think like them!!!! I also love my teaching team. We are so drama free!!! We do our job, don't complain, back up each other, work together, stay out of each other's way, and really want to do what is best for our kids. I have had two great years of just enjoying my teaching group!

Okay...enough about me for tonight....Maybe during this Christmas break I can get caught up on writing. I do have some things bouncing around in my head, but I haven't been still long enough to put them on paper. My thought process right now has come from a FB message from God.....These are words I am living by right now. "Until you learn to say NO, you will never know when you want to say YES!" Think about that a little bit. I feel like this will be my next post.....I am realizing this is so many ways!!! So, check back soon....maybe I will write again! :)

Another thing and I really will sign off.....If you haven't seen the movie Blind Side, take the time to see it!!! It is thought provoking and really makes you want to be a better person and get involved in other's lives. Secondly, if you are crazy like me and a Twilight fan....go see New Moon!!! I confess....I love vampires and werewolves....but most of all I love love stories.....I know...crazy...but this is my guilty pleasure!!! It has been a great escape during some hard times lately.

I told you I would just ramble tonight but these things I know right now....I love my husband, I have amazing children, God is Good, and life is crazy......

Who's in the driver's seat?

Dreams seem to be where my subconscious decides to drive home some points of life. There are normal stressed-filled, can't get it all done...kind of dreams and then there are those that scream at me to be thought about and analyzed. These dreams have meaning and a message. This is my latest dream message....

I'm in a small SUV of some kind with 3 or 4 other friends. We are driving to somewhere....I'm not real sure of our destination. I am in the back passenger seat nearest the window. I am just merely there. Our trip continues and then it seems we are somewhere off the beaten path. There are cliffs rising up along the passenger side of the vehicle. It is a small, two-lane road that is winding through what seems to be a dark forest. The conversation in the vehicle turns to one of argument on the direction we should be going. Most are protesting the route we are on. We are even pleading to turn around and go back....to go another way. The driver insists we are going the right way and that she knows what she is doing. She continues down the road against our protests and concerns. We come to a curve in the road. Cliffs on one side, dark trees and a drop off on the other. The road is muddy and as we round the corner there is a flood of water rushing over the road. The driver insists we are safe. She pushes the engine harder and heads straight for the rushing water. We, the passengers, are yelling our fears and protests, and yet, we plunge ahead. The next image I still see in my head is the rushing brown muddy water filling the vehicle. I watch as we are trapped inside, the water rising quickly and I see it as it covers my eyes....and then my head. We are all lost.....

Two things hit me in this dream. One, I am not in control. I am not in the driver's seat. I am at the mercy of the one driving and they are not listening to my pleas. Two, I am drowning. I am drowning from the control that someone else has had over my life. I see the danger. I know what needs to be done, but I am trapped in the back seat, buckled in, and out of control. The destination is being decided for me and I have no voice in what happens next. So simply, I drown.

I know it is not a pleasant dream or interpretation, but to say this dream haunts me is an understatement. I have thought of it often. It plays over and over in my mind. I can still see and FEEL the water rising around me. I can see the brown muddy water as it takes over every part of me.

The questions I am asking myself are these: WHO is the one in control? WHY am I allowing them to have control? WHAT must I do to get out of the back seat of my life and back in to the driver's seat? WHEN am I going to get my voice back?

Drowning is a good interpretation of how I have felt about my life recently. Suffocating from the constant stress and pressures around me, much of which has been totally out of my control.

So for now, I am trying to find my way out....trying to regain a sense of control over my own destination. If I don't....I fear....it will take me under and I will never resurface. I am finding my voice....standing up for my needs and my desires and fighting for a new direction for my life. No more cliffs, dark corners or rushing rivers for me....No more uncaring, pushy, know-it-all drivers. I'm taking control again.....so I can live!

24 years ago today.....

I was sitting at a high school retreat for the weekend. We had just had breakfast and had gone in to have our morning devo time when the phone in the dinning hall rang. This was unusual because really no one called unless there was a problem. I looked at my friend and said...."that's for me" and a feeling of dread washed over me. I remember Johnny Adams answering the phone and then looked at me briefly, turned his head and said he would get me there. He hung up the phone and called me over...."Denise, your grandmother has had a heart attack. We have to get you back to Kaufman now."

The next hour or so flew by as we literally flew back home. I remember being in a daze. The ride was a blur. I remembered seeing my Granny earlier that week. She had been in ICU with chest pain, but had been moved to a regular room and was expected to go home over the weekend. She had been so excited when I had visited because my picture was in the paper. Homecoming was the next weekend and I was on the homecoming court. She couldn't quit talking about it! She smiled and assured me she was feeling so much better and would be home by the time I got back from my weekend trip......

Then we were at the hospital. My whole family was there. All my cousins were there too. Everyone had been in to see Granny but only one at a time. She had had a massive heart attack and was very critical. I was next. When the next time came to allow visitors, I was first to go.....they had been waiting on me. I started walking back to her room and again, dread rushed over me.....then all the alarms went off. I never made it in the door to see her. The nurses rushed in....Mom or Dad....I'm not sure which....pulled me back to the waiting room.....and my grandmother died....I saw my daddy cry....and life changed.

I miss her everyday. She was a tough lady. I often hear how she was tough on my dad and his siblings. She had to overcome so many struggles. She had a husband that didn't work often. My pawpaw was not an easy man to live with! His idol was John Wayne and he lived like that rough and tough cowboy. She had 5 children, two of which were twins. She never drove. She walked everywhere. She made a little house feel warm and big! My fondest memory of Granny is her huge hugs when I would walk in her house. You could not get by her without a bear hug. She was a small woman but had a tight grip when she hugged you! Another memory is her walking me the few blocks to the store to by "mem-n-mems" aka M&Ms. She loved her roses and she wore beautiful aprons and bonnets.

My mom and dad tell me I am a lot like her. I am about the only one who gets to talk to my dad the way I do, and Mom says it is because of how much like Granny I am! I miss her. I miss her unconditional love. She loved BIG. She loved no matter what. Twenty-four years ago today, I lost my Granny.

Season of Change

I love FALL! I truly do! The cooler temperatures, the colors of the season, and of course my birthday! Today as I was driving out to my mom's house, I passed a grove of trees that reminds me each year of the beauty of fall as they change from green, to golden and red. Nature really speaks to me and the cycle of life we see in them reminds me of changes in life that we too must go through. Each year we watch them go through transformation over and over. They never stay the same, they grow, bloom, display a healthy life of green, cast off old, have a time of rest, and then start growing and blooming all over again. The seasons in a tree's life are so easily seen and each year of this growing process creates a stronger tree marked by their many rings, which help them withstand the storms that are sure to come and blow through their lives. Oh the lessons we can learn from this grove of trees!


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 tells us the same thing about our lives....There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and time for peace.

I feel like I too am in this season of change. There have been so many changes around me that it has been hard to keep up. As most know about me, I am not fond of change. Change is hard on me even though I know that like the trees, there will be a new season coming. This season has seemed the season of losing leaves in my life. I have felt a lot of loss over the past months.

It started with the loss of my health. Not ever having had really any physical issues, this past year has been filled with physical illnesses. Facing my first surgery and since adjusting to the new normal "balance" of my life, has not been easy. Emotionally and physically it has taken a toll on my body. To say I have not bounced back quickly is an understatement. I am going through a lot of the motions, but not feeling back to being myself. With this going on, I have also learned a lot about friendship and the value of true friends that stand by you even when you feel like you are losing your mind. Those friends are the ones who have encouraged and listened and just let me cry when I needed to. I have been doing that a lot! They have been those people who didn't decide this was too hard a friendship to manage and stood by me when I have been "less than lovable." I have been cynical and hard or just too emotional at times for many people, myself included, and I have been blessed by those who have walked this road with me and not given up on me.

Another change I have been through was the moving of my second daughter to college. I still have not grieved this loss fully. I had been so excited for her and this new opportunity to expand her life and her circle of friends, that I did not allow myself to think about what her leaving me would mean. My house is quiet. Too quiet. I miss her smiling face and her silliness that would brighten my days! My home has dwindled from full to overflowing down to just one baby left and a very quiet place. Tara and I had grown very close in the years after Ashton moved out and then married. Tara has been someone who "got" me. We could be more than just mother and daughter. We have been good friends and I have missed that daily interaction more than I have admitted. (I am crying now since this is the first time I have admitted some of this and allowed myself to think about it.)

Other friendships have changed and some have even died over this current season of my life. Unfortunately life leads us all in different directions and we each must find our way with God on our own most of the time. Friendships help us along the way but it seems that when those become more of our focus than our relationship with God, that's when problems arise. I am learning again, that this life is about relationships, but my relationship with God comes before all other relationships. If my focus is not on Him then there will surely be times that I will not evaluate other relationships correctly. I fear I have put too much in to earthly friendships and failed to work on my relationship with my Father. This part of me is being pruned and trimmed daily and it hurts more than words can describe here. This part of change has left scares that will not be easily healed.

Work has offered up its own set of changes and challenges. Just having to begin a new school year allows for change but then to add in changes in gradebook and curriculum as well as scheduling almost makes it too much. After 5 weeks, I still do not feel I have settled in to a routine or have a good grasp on things. The feeling of unrest and irritation among co-workers and friends also adds to the stress. And now, we add in the illnesses that have attacked our school and left us with extra work in keeping all the kids caught up with their missing work! Not to mention now my own child is out sick!

For many years now we have been in a season of unrest and change at church. Though I feel we are coming out of that, I also still feel the affects of all the changes on my life. We made a stand several years ago that this is our home and our church family that we would support and work to rebuild. But right now, I feel just tired. Tired and worn from different battles that have been fought. Some were won, some lost. As we face a new beginning with our youth ministry and our home team, I am seeking some rest and restoration for my soul. I will say I have felt a great loss in the past several months and it is hard for me to even want to get back in the fight. I want to help rebuild. I want to be excited and positive, but truthfully, there is a lot of hurt that still needs to be mended in my heart. Please don't hear that I am upset with our church family, I am not. I am just battle weary and in need of rest and truthfully need encouragement as well.

This season has become a time for me to die to myself, uproot from my comfortable routines, a time to heal from hurts, a time to build new relationships or rebuild old ones, it has been a time of weeping and mourning, and a time of gathering stones that have been thrown my way. It is a time of searching for truth and who I am meant to be as well as refraining from doing too much, a time to throw away old habits and mend those broken places in my heart. It is my time to be silent and to love those who want my love and friendship. It is time for me to find some peace again.

The hope I find in this is that even as the tree dies to itself, changes it colors, drops all its leaves and becomes bare and exposed to the world, it also takes a time of rest and then in the spring, comes to life again.

When.........

When does enough become enough? When are you allowed to just quit? When does it mean that you have gone as far as you can go? How long do you have to keep going before you just finally stop?

I've asked myself these questions a lot tonight. I have wondered how long I must continue being the one to give in and let things go. When do I just stop being the doormat and start taking care of myself? How many times do I let things go and just forgive and move on? How many times do we sweep stuff under the rug and leave words unspoken?

I am so tired of being the nice one. The one who does the right thing. The one who never gets angry or hurt or wounded....and when I do I am wrong in doing that as well. Must I always be strong? Must I always be gentle? Must I always be perfect?

I am frustrated. I don't understand why some people are allowed to speak whatever is on their mind....no matter how hurtful....and then never pay for the hurt they inflict on others. How many times do I put myself in a position to be the one hurt? How many times do I hold my chin up, smile, and pretend that everything is okay? And then, once I do, I am criticized for not seeming breakable! Broken and beaten is more how I feel. Rejected and abused. Taken for granted and over-looked. All to keep up the pretense of everything being okay.

Those of us who are introverted, sensing, feeling, don't always share so openly our feelings or make known our hurts. We don't attack others verbally or in writing when we feel injustice. We take everything to heart. We store it up and think on it often. It's not that we won't forgive....forgive is easy. Forgetting is impossible. Those words and hurts become a part of us and make us withdraw more in to ourselves. Just because we are reserved does not me we are judging or cold. We are protecting ourselves the only way we know how.

Friendships should be more tenderly handled. Words should be more gently used. Feelings should be considered. And eventually when all else fails, boundaries should be set that keep future hurts from being received.

Ephesians 4:32....Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving one another....even as God for Christ sake has forgiven you.

Recovery....

Last week about this time I was starting to get nervous. I was staying busy and trying to accomplish every thing I possibly could in a short amount of time. It has seemed that my summer has been that way. On the days I have felt well, I have tried to accomplish more than necessary because I never knew if the next day would be a good day or not. I guess I didn't realize how bad things had gotten. I didn't realize how constant my pain had become. My normal was not a good place to be.

I have to say I dreaded Friday. As I read people post how ready they were for the weekend, I, for once, wanted the week to go slow and not speed to the end. As Friday got closer, my fear and anxiety got stronger. Sleep became a non-existent thing in my life. Surgery was coming quickly and I was not ready.

I would like to say my faith was so strong that I had no fear and that I was confident in God's protection. I can't say that. I was a mess. I did get better and did feel God saying I would be okay, but fear was controlling my life. I cried more and took in every moment like it was my last. I think NOW how silly I was being, but still it was where I was at the time, so even now I can't be mad at myself. I will try to explain....

I have never had surgery. My experience with hospitals was having babies....I would come home with a PRIZE for my time in the hospital. Even though those times did bring fears with them, it was different. There wasn't some unknown something wrong with me. There was a prize at the end of those hospital stays. This time was different. We knew there was a problem. At least 3 fibroid tumors, golf ball sized, were causing me pain that would keep me in bed and make me feel that everything inside of me was rebelling against me. After visiting with my doctor, I knew she had a plan on taking them out and "looking" for any other problems that might be going on. With the pain I had, I knew there had to be more. So, fear grew.....

Thursday was hard. It was a busy day filled with doctor's appointment and preadmission stuff....getting blood drawn, having an EKG, filling out tons of papers, etc. I also had several things to do before I was unable to do anymore! I had bills to make sure were paid. Shopping that had to be done. It felt like I was planning on being gone for an undetermined amount of time. Which in my mind was true. I had no idea what would happen.

Friday came and I kissed my girls goodbye and Mike and I headed to the hospital. Two hours early, like instructed, and then sat there waiting and waiting and waiting. That was not good on my nerves. Mike was great. Holding my hand and reassuring me the whole time. Then it was time for more paper work. More tests. Friends and family started showing up to wait with Mike and then it was time. Back to the pre-op room to get ready. Have you ever worn compression stockings? Ask me about them sometime. Those were interesting! :) Sitting in a cold room with many others, only separated by curtains. Doctors in and out. Answering the same questions over and over....the wrong doctor coming in to see me....a little unsettling. Then finally a calm presences....my anesthesia tech. Calm. Explaining each step to us. Finally a little peace. Once the IV was in and my doctor came to see me, it was time. Again, I kissed Mike and Ashton goodbye and told them I would see them soon. I looked at the lights as they rolled me down the hall and in to the OR while listening somewhat to the chatter of my nurse and the anesthesia tech. I remember being moved to the table from the bed and then...........................

Over two hours later I began waking up in recovery. Over two hours in surgery and then almost 2 1/2 in recovery...maybe more. It was about 5:30 when I finally got to my room. My surgery started at 11:10. I remember the nurse waking me up and me fighting to get out of bed. I wanted up. I wanted to see Mike and I needed to talk to Ashton before she left for work. I wanted them to know I was okay. I wanted them to know I was awake. I needed to see them. Can you believe the nurse called me "combative?" ME? I guess I probably was. I didn't really know what was going on at first. Once I did, I calmed down and just waited, but I really wanted my family with me. Finally they started moving me to my room. I vaguely remember that. It is such a blur. I just remember seeing my hubby, then I was able to rest.

The rest has been about the same. Mike made sure I made it through that first night. Along with him, my friend, really more of a sister, also stayed with me through the night. Talking to me when I would rattle on and on about who knows what or when I was needing to push the button to send me a bit more pain medication. I watched the two of them fight to stay awake just to make sure I was okay. I was relieved when they each took a turn at sleeping. Then the next day with my family and friends coming up to see me. Most of the morning was still a blur. I was not really feeling well, but after lunch, after another nap, I started to get some strength back. Sunday was the best! It was so nice to have all 3 of my girls with me for the first time. My baby girl got to come up and climbed in bed with me. That was perfect. Then my friends joined us and we celebrated Sunday together.

Home is great. I'm tired and moving slowly. I just feel so blessed to have my family with me and to be back at home. I survived surgery. I survived the unknown and it looks like they got everything that was giving me trouble. Now it is time for rest and recovery. Parts of me want to get up and get busy, but then my body reminds me that I must rest. I'm just happy to be home, with my family.

Locked inside my mind.....

It has been a while since I've been able to blog. Most of what comes out lately is just too raw to post so publicly. If you are part of my other blog, I have written a little there, but it is not something I could but on here. Sorry....

I am facing surgery on the 10th and it seems that is all my brain can focus on. For now, that's the best I can do. I ask that you pray for me to be able to go forward without fear and to know that God is in control. Logically, I know these things. Emotionally is a bit different. Maybe I will be able to process and post soon. For now, things are just locked very tightly inside my mind.

Click click click

I usually title my writing before I start, but today I just didn't know where this might go....so the title will come when I finish. I started thinking about feeling on the outside looking in...as I often feel I am doing, then my mind went to being in the middle of a situation that I just don't know how to fix. Polar opposite feelings. Such a strange place to be and such mixed feelings.

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside of the "group"? I sat in a meeting today and watched all the social groups gather together. Everyone navigated to their comfort zones and grabbed chairs for their best buddies to sit with them. Some groups are impenetrable. Their tight knit circle will not allow any others in. Others are a bit more flexible, but still, very defined. Then there was mine. I sat alone for a while and then slowly those who did not have a defined group joined me. Yet, in our own way we were a "group" too. Still, by the end, I felt outside that little circle as well.

Why is it that all my life I have felt left out? I don't understand why I always feel so unimportant and so insignificant. I sat with 3 friends and as I listened to their conversations, I realized I had no clue what was going on in their lives. I have not been part of these events and found myself unable to join in the discussion. Why is that? Am I too self absorbed to get involved or am I left out because I am not thought of??? Is it me....or is it them? These are the questions I find myself coming back to over and over. So, being true to form, I excused myself from the group as soon as appropriate and went on my way working on what I needed to finish. I walked by the table one more time a few minutes later to find them still engaged in meaningful conversation and felt like my presence was not even missed.

I chalked it up to just me feeling left out and moved on....but then later again today the groups developed again as we gathered for lunch. It was very obvious who was included with which group. Just felt like high school all over again. Me? I sat with my closest friend who always accepts me just for me. So even on the outside of the groups, I had my own little circle.

That leads me to the other feeling of the day. As outside the ring as I feel at times, I have my own circle I do fit in. I have been blessed with this in the last few years. My coffee girls accept me just as I am too. No more no less...just me. Being in this circle brings so much good to my life. I wish we could work or worship together more and have those connections throughout the week. Great responsibility has come from those relationships too. Knowing what is going on in someone else's most personal parts of life makes you become a bit responsible for them. You hurt when they hurt. You rejoice when they rejoice and you suffer when they suffer. Heart strings that become so strong that you feel them from miles away are connected and become part of who you are. I find myself wanting to help fix their problems when I know I can't. I want to intervene when I see things hurting them but still know I can not change things for them. It is hard being that close and not being able to make things better for those you care so much about.

Relationships and navigating the world doesn't stop at the end of high school. I know so often we pretend they do. We even tell graduates that life will be different when they don't have to be around the same people every day, but that's not exactly true. We still have to be able to pick and choose our friends. We still have to decide which social group we will "run" with. We still get left out by those we want to "fit in" with. There are still drama queens, attention hogs, power trippers, super athletes, nerds/geeks, and the socially unacceptable every where we go. The challenge is to find a way to be friends with all of them and accept them where they are without judgements.

I now find myself in the "older wiser" group. I'm not sure if I like that feeling of not being the "young fun" group anymore. I don't even think it is cool to "hang out" with me any more! LOL! I choose to hang out with others who have similar morals as myself. I like good clean fun and find myself busy with my older children and not the baby/toddler group of moms. I've learned that some things are just not that important, like power or fame or being in the center of everything. I watch as others make choices that will effect the rest of their lives. I don't enjoy hanging out with people who feel better about themselves by talking about others. That is so Jr. High to me. I guess I have joined the old fuddy-duddy group! :)

I wish there was a way to function in this world without the segregated groups. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along and accept each other? From political groups, to class groups, social club groups, and religious groups we find different "clicks" within each of the larger divisions. Someone is always going to be left out. Someone will always have their feelings hurt. Today, it was me....and I am old enough to not get caught up in these kind of things, but sometimes it still hurts.

When God Winks....

Have you ever thought about what a wink means? Why do you wink? Sometimes a wink means..."I like you." Sometimes it means..."I see what you are doing." And then other times it can mean "I understand what is going on and I'm okay with it." Or my favorite wink is..."Watch this! You're going to like what I'm going to do!" Any way you look at it, a wink seems to be a good thing. It is a positive nonverbal gesture. It has some affirmation attached to it or at least a bit of positive expectation.

A friend of mine was reading a book called something like "God Winks." It was about how things happen that seems so impossible that only God could have made it happen the way it did. It is one of those feel good books about God working in our lives for good in the most remarkable ways. I learned about this book during what could have only been my own personal wink from God. Let me explain....

Some friends of mine had planned a trip to Destin during the month of May to celebrate one of the girl's birthday. May is a crazy month for me and with all the graduation plans that are going on, I knew I could not take a week off from school. I had already used up all my sick leave time and knew I could not lose a weeks' worth of pay. I had resigned myself to missing out on the fun and living vicariously through the pictures and emails my friends would send to me during the week. I have to say I was sad and wished I could go, but knew there was just no way I could. My friends had not come to grips with the idea as well as I had. They had even plotted behind my back to try to collect money to make up for what I would be docked if I took off so I could go. But in the end, we all said good-bye and tears were even shed as we left each other....them to head off on the road, and me back to school.

They drove all night through the pouring rain as I tossed and turned and prayed all night for their safe trip. We shared emails on Monday as I once again reassured them I was okay with not being there and that I wanted them to have a blast and fill me in on all the details later. Yes, I was a bit sad, but still happy for them and content to be at home and work.

This is when God chose to wink.....

That night during our small group, we got a phone call from our principal notifying us that our school would be closing for 13 days due to the swine flu!!! Seriously. One suspected case and the health department recommended our closing. We were shocked and excited. I quickly sent a text to my friends who were enjoying their first full night at the beach and that's when the wink became so obvious!

The girls called me. "When can you get here?" I could not figure out how to drive there alone. It would be a 12 hour trip and I couldn't do that alone. Then the next phone call came....."Will you fly if we get you a flight?" Now, I have NEVER flown EVER and they knew this was a near impossible thing for me to do. Fear holds me so captive! I wasn't sure I could. I still was resigned to staying put and enjoying the time off at home. Then the next call came, "We have a seat for you on the same flight with Lorrie." Lorrie was flying down for 3 days and flying back early. There was a seat...RIGHT BESIDE HER....on the flight and I could have it if I would agree to fly. So, without another thought, I said yes!!! My flight was paid for and before I knew it I was in the air flying to Florida! Three full days on the beach with some of my best friends, listening to the wind and the waves, enjoying the sunrise and sunset, and I was there!!!



I kept waiting to wake up and find out it was all a dream. I never even entertained the thought of getting to go. I knew I couldn't. I resigned myself to enjoying the trip through their stories. I was really at peace with it all.....then God winked! Who would have ever thought that on the week that my friends were in Florida, without me, that a suspected case of swine flu would close our school and allow me to fly on the same flight with another girl and join the vacation? How did all the pieces fall together so easily? How did the first flight of my life turn out to be so smooth on a day with storms all around? How did it happen that when I left and the possibility of reopening the school before the 13 days had passed was proposed that it turned out that I got the whole week off WITH pay and got to enjoy the trip???? It had to be a wink!!!



Our God is amazing! He takes things and makes them what He wants them to be. I have to say that I could not have MADE this happen. There was no way I could have controlled, arranged, manipulated the events to make anything near this happen. It was all such a perfectly laid out trip that only God could have put these pieces together for me.

I can not imagine that my little vacation away with my accountability group/friends would be important enough to our Father that He would chose to wink my way.....but I believe He did. There is no other explanation that fits. I don't believe in coincidence. I don't believe in chance, fate or destiny. I believe in God and His ways. This was such a special gift and however it happened and for whatever reason, this wink will never be forgotten!

My battle plan....

This has been one of those months. I knew when the calendar turned to April that my life would become a whirlwind, but I had no idea what all that would include. Each weekend in this month has involved me being out of town. Not being able to veg out on my couch and catch up on sleep after a week of work is harmful to my health! I am one of those girls that needs some down time and I have not had any in a month.

Before you think I am just going to complain, I want you to know this has been a very rewarding month too, despite my over active schedule. I was blessed to train in The Road seminar in Tyler two of the weekends. I watched my baby girl perform at LTC in puppets and drama another weekend and then last weekend, Tara and I made a trip out to Abilene to register her for college in the fall. It has been a blessed month in a lot of ways, but it still has left my mind and body exhausted.

Along with this exhaustion has come some attacks on my spiritual well being. I know when I go in to the battle of training at Roads, that I need to be prayed up and confessed up. I also know that when we go in to seminar with the purpose of sharing Christ and helping others find freedom from their pasts we paint a big red target on our lives. That has been true again this month. It has been stronger and harder than I ever remember it being.

It started before seminar began....towards the end of March. A direct attack on my self esteem has lingered all month because I have not been able to relax, think, write or process out the feelings I have had. I have found myself becoming fearful and not trusting. I have begun to be suspicious of secrets and lies. I have become angry and have not known where that anger was coming from. I have had to look at this part of my life again and work on walking through it to gain any part of my esteem back.

I am super blessed to have my hubby and friends there for me when I have been struggling. It is almost a night and day change today from yesterday. I know their prayers have made a major impact on my mind. Those scriptures on taking "every thought captive" have become my battle plan. I also am going to practice being still and knowing God this weekend. My Bible has to be beside me right now. In my weakness I am looking for His strength. I am battle weary and my armor needs some polishing.

In all of this I have wanted to run and hide. Withdraw from society and isolate myself. It had always worked for me in the past. Hide in my hole and not come out until absolutely necessary. But this time, I am just taking a little rest, but still reaching out. No hiding for me. I know that my enemy would love for me to feel isolated and unloved. I know he would feed my insecurities and destroy my trust. I know that I would find myself alone because I would have pushed everyone away. Not this time....I am hanging on to my support group, my girls who hold me accountable and my family who have watched this battle before and have stood by me each time.

Time to rest....time to refuel....time to fight back and get strong again. Time to be still and listen and remember who I am to Him. Time for me.....

The Road we are on....

I'm really irritated...this is part of my "living"...acknowledging my emotions! I get to spend weekends every now and then watching God break down barriers and walls in the lives of people. It is absolutely awe-inspiring seeing God work. I am so blessed to get to have a ring side seat in the miracles, and yes, they are miracles! The thing that upsets me are those who are closed off to the idea of this program just because it is not something they "know" everything about. Now before I go any further, I want to say I am not thinking of just one person or two. There are several who have turned their noses up at it for one reason or another. The sad thing is that they are only hurting themselves. They are the ones missing out and those of us on the other side see this as very sad. Our excitement to share what we have gained and what we have seen God do sometimes takes people time to get use to. I get that. We are a pumped up group and our group is growing. We can be a bit pushy too because all we want is for others to have what we have gotten.

So, my irritation comes from those who are just negative about what we are doing. I had a friend give the example in a lesson about a man who chose to go in to the bars to meet people right where they are and teach them about Christ. He made many people upset with the idea of it being okay to go in to bars to reach people....hum, where did Jesus go??? I believe he came to save the lost! Isn't that our mission too? Saving those who are lost? Leading others to Christ? Well, that is what The Road does. We meet people right where they are. We help them face the things that are holding them back from reaching where God wants them to be and we walk with them through the fires to get to the other side. Sad thing is, I can't share that with some of my friends because they don't want to hear it. They don't want to know what we have been through. It upsets me because I really need their support and their covering with prayers when I am in this battle. We are in such a spiritual battle when we go in with the purpose of helping set those bound in sin find freedom in Christ. Mike and I have been under extreme attack this last month and after part 1 of this seminar, I understand why. Each attack and our response to it, led us to a place of being able to help those who we came in to contact with this weekend. It has helped us see the sins separate from the person. I has allowed me to see that there are many victims when it comes to sin and sometimes the victim is the one committing the sin. But, I can't share that with my friends who have not been where we have been, because frankly, they don't want to hear it.

So, I feel the attacks still coming. We have been being hit from every direction. Now, our friendships seem to be in the crosshairs. This I know....God is with us...He will see us through this and I have to turn these friendships over to Him again. He is my focus. His will and His mission is my goal. Serving and helping others reach a relationship with Christ is so much more than living....it is life itself! I had forgotten how much training opens my heart up and awakens my mind. I had forgotten how truly close to God I must walk to be protected from the arrows that are being fired at me. I ask that you pray for Mike and I as we reenter this battle. We need the prayers of the faithful for protection because never before have we had such a target on us. Pray for those that we come in contact with that we can proclaim freedom for the captives and that all will come to know Christ. Pray for our friendships that are dear to us and are strained. Pray that God holds all of us close to Him so that we can do His will.

If you are interested in learning more about The Road Adventure please check it out: www.theroadadventure.org

So much.....

Wow....so much is going on. So much has gone on that I don't really know where to start. Life is just such a roller coaster and a beautiful ride at the same time. I am blessed...blessed beyond my imagination and then on days I feel that life is almost too much to understand. One day is up and the next day is down. No, my emotional state is not at question here....I'm really in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in a very long while. I am just feeling and living and being as alive as I possibly can. It is just so much!

Sometimes living and feeling is so painful. To feel the pain of loss is hard. To allow yourself to cry and feel the pain of the hurt is to live. To stuff it down in those dark controlled places is faking life. The loss of my cousin hit me so hard I could not figure out where the intensity of the pain came from. We were not close. He was several years younger than me and his family had moved to North Carolina many years ago. We had spent very few holidays together and truly, I did not "know" him. However, he is my baby cousin and I remember holding him and playing with him as a baby. He is also my family. A life so young and with so much ahead of him was cut so short. I have been depressed to a point before of wondering if life was worth the hard work it took to live, but never to the point of giving up. Such a tragic end to a beautiful young man. The tears that flowed from losing him were felt from my toes to the inner part of my soul.

Sometimes living is feeling fear. To fear is to put life in perspective. Fear of illness. Fear of death. Fear of loss. Fear. Fear made my eyes open to how much I have before me right now. Fear made me look at what I would lose if I didn't fight for life. Fear showed me how special love is. Fear made me move from static life to full life. Fear pushed me back in to living. Fear made each moment matter for a lifetime. Fear of facing illness that could change my life forever pulled me back to life. Fear of losing my life caused each day to be sweeter.

Sometimes living is hurting. Again, walking through the hurt, facing it head on and walking through it so it can't hold you paralyzed. Allowing hurt to be seen can only allow life to grow. If hurt is not acknowledged then it can not be healed. Hiding the hurt keeps healing from happening and it also keeps others from being able to help you live again. The minute I allowed that hurt and weakness be seen, the moment healing began and I could live again instead of drowning and losing my life in pity. Allowing Mike to know what had hurt me gave him the opportunity to mend that hurt and show his love for me. Being weak allowed our life together to grow. It allowed us to really live....together.

Sometimes living is sharing. Sharing those precious moments in life with others instead of keeping them all to yourself is living. Spending hours and days sharing the inner parts of yourself with others and finding acceptance brings validation to my life. It brings the meaning of living to a sweeter place. Sharing with my coffee girls and being truly transparent with people who love me for me no matter what allows me to know that I am just a girl....a girl with hopes, dreams, hurts and real fears.

Sometimes living is serving. Serving is where life begins. Life jumps out at you and shows you where you are meant to be. Serving enriches your soul. Serving gives meaning to all the garbage you may go through and gives a way to make beauty out of ugliness in life.

I know I've rambled about life, but for me life is full. In the last month alone it has been full of pain, sorrow, fear, grief, shame, pity, loneliness, depression, gratitude, anger, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, compassion, jealousy, happiness and pure joy. All these plus many more have made me see that living is feeling. Living must happen no matter where you are emotionally. To choose not to live is to choose death...whether it is a real death or a spiritual death...neither are okay. Neither gives glory to God. The only way to glorify God is to live in whatever circumstance that comes your way. I had to make the choice to live....no matter what comes my way!

These 2 songs have been in my dreams and on my mind for this month....I've shared them before, but they are so worth hearing again....Live!

Fight for yourself!

I just have to say I am really ticked right now. You see for 10 years I have begged for doctors to listen to me. I knew something was not right with my body. I knew there had to be a reason why I never had any energy. Why I would have major mood swings and then cry all day. I knew it was not normal. I knew there had to be something wrong. I also knew that my monthly battles with pain was more intense than they should be. But no...all the doctors would ever say was, "Oh, you are 30 something, you have 3 children and a husband, you work full time, you should be tired. You need to exercise more and eat better. That will help." Well, right now I would like to say something less than appropriate, because we all know that was a bunch of bull.

Seriously, I have fought this battle for a while. I have had antidepressants shoved my way every time I say I feel blue or down or can't figure out why I cry so much. Or better yet, I say I have no energy or desire to do anything and I must be depressed and just need to take better care of myself and here...take this pill...it will help! Over and over and over I have fought this battle and even changed doctors just to hear the same thing again...."You are having a regular cycle, you are fine. Your hormones are working. Exercise, eat right, you'll feel better." UGH!!! I'm so tired of it! I KNEW something else was wrong but I trusted this traditional method of medicine to care for me and now I am looking at surgery which could have all been avoided if....IF they had done something about my hormone imbalance 10 years ago!

I found out today, from a wellness clinic that I went to with some friends to get our hormones tested, that I am severely low in progesterone. Normal is 300....my count is 60. Hum, could that possibly explain some of the problems I am having? YES! That means my estrogen is way out of wack. I had bought a book about hormone imbalances and even taken it to the doctor with me at one time with a list of symptoms. However, they were dismissed because I cycle regularly. Here are some of the symptoms of high/dominant estrogen: bloating, pounding headaches, weight gain/inability to lose weight, volatile emotions, UTERINE FIBROIDS, depression, joint pain, irritability, water retention and the list goes on and on. Symptoms of low progesterone almost perfectly match these too!

I am just floored. I am angry and feel so cheated by our health system that pushes pills to fix things instead of naturally looking at what the underlying problem might be. Ten years I have begged for help. Ten years I have been told it is in my head and given a pill to fix it. Ten years of allowing these fibroids to grow and cause more pain than I had to suffer.

I have trusted blindly in "the system" for health care and had wonderful doctors, but doctors who have not gone to the source of the problem. They have worked as reactive instead of proactive in getting to the true problem. I would even say that this has been going on longer than just 10 years. As far back as high school I can remember dealing with many of these same issues and not finding any help. I have never given much credit to natural remedies and thought some of that was just weird. But now, after taking this extra step....a leap of faith...and going somewhere where I was listened to and HEARD about my symptoms...I am finding there may be some hope. (A side note here...this place has licensed PA's supervised by MDs that are trained in hormone imbalances and treatment of them. They are not quacks!) There may be something that can be done. It may be too late to save me from surgery, but I assure you I will not let it keep me from feeling better in the future.

I guess the point of this besides just letting me vent is to say, if you know something just does not seem right and you don't feel like you are being heard or treated appropriately....find someone who will listen. Seek out help. Don't settle for just being pacified with the latest and greatest pharmaceutical. Get real answers. You have to fight for yourself, because no one else does it matter as much to than YOU!

A New Set of Challenges....

So, today marked a new day for me. After days of hurting I finally agreed to go to the doctor to make my family happy. I was pretty much guilted in to going. I had decided I was just having a bout of stomach bug again and that it would all go away, but to keep my crew happy, I went. I was set that the worse case scenario would mean possibly appendicitis. Or best case, a bad bout with gas. Neither was the case. I really wasn't prepared for the results. It was the last thing I even considered. Fibroid tumors. I have at least 3 on/in my uterus. Good news is that it is pretty common. Since mine are causing me pain it means I will be having surgery. The great HYSTERECTOMY! I just love being 40.

I am a bit nervous. I've never had surgery. Three babies, but no other surgeries/hospitalizations. I am really not looking forward to this and I am not trying to think about it much. I don't want to over think it or even plan anything beyond today. If I do I will not be able to continue moving forward. There is that part of me that wants to really think about this and consider all the possibilities, but I can't. I really can't.

How am I feeling? Shocked, nervous, a bit scared, and still in pain. I am ready to feel better but not go through this. I keep hearing it is going to be the best thing I've ever done, but right now I don't want to do it.

Today was a shocker and even though it is not the worst thing in the world, it is still something. Something I am not ready for. Something I didn't ask for. Something I want to go away and not have to do. Why couldn't it have just been a bug? I would have settled for a bad case of gas! LOL! I didn't want to find this or ever have to face this. Right now I want to throw a fit and be mad and then again, I know it is not really a big bad thing. But it is my thing. Good bad and ugly...it is my thing to deal with.

Enough of my pity party ramble. I would love any prayers you feel like sending up. I need them for courage. I need them for healing. I want it to be an easy thing. I want the next sonogram to show things are not as bad as they appeared. I want the tumors to shrink on their own. I want the removal to be simple and not complicated. I don't want to watch my girls worry or my husband be fearful. I want all of this to be gone. Quickly....easily...painlessly....and NOW!

Casualities of War

Don't be fooled. We are in a war. No, not the kind we see reports about on TV but one that has already been won, however the enemy will not give up.

I have thought a lot about this spiritual battle we are in lately. It may be due to training again with The Road, or it may just be that my eyes are so open to the constant attacks I see going on around us. It has never been more important to have our armor on. Our helmet of salvation, shield of faith, breast plate of righteousness, sword of the spirit and our feet must be ready to attack, not flee.

So, some the battles have been bloody. Many have been hurt. My family included. Some are not as strong as others and quickly fall. Others continue fighting no matter what the cost. Many are battered and bruised beyond recognition. I sometimes don't even see myself any longer but I see someone totally different.

These casualties have not been light. The cost is heavy but sometimes the biggest battles are won by just a few. Remember the walls of Jericho? They tumbled down by simply obeying God's words. Nothing else could have brought them down. This war has been won, but many are being led away in to captivity. They are being held by chains of unforgiveness, self-righteousness, pride, legalism and unfaithfulness. These things have destroyed families, friendships, bodys of worship and most of all have stopped the active spreading of God's word.

I am so tired of seeing the enemy get to my friends and family. I watch weekly as some fall away under the pressure of attack. I pray that the eyes of the faithful are opened to see what is truly happening around us. I pray that we take hold of truth and protect each other from the very real arrows that are being fired at us. I'm tired of the casualties. I'm ready to start living in victory!!!

Do you know my story?

You probably don't. Very few do. I found myself last night reliving the past, but without a lot of the pain and hurt. It was odd. I finally felt like my story was "a story" that could and maybe should be told. I know I played the part of someone who had it all together pretty well. In some ways I did. In some ways I have had things good....when you look at the big picture. But as I thought back over the story that has never been told, I realized how far I have come. I also realized life has really come to a place that is good.

I sat in a circle of ladies last night, some younger than me, some older, and listened to the struggles that they are facing. I remember having many of the same struggles. I remember feeling many of the same feelings. I remember the hopelessness I felt at times. How did I get to this place now? Only by God's grace....that is all I can figure out. He has a plan and we are walking it out daily. It has been hard work and many tears have led us to here and now.

So, my story, no it is not for these pages. It is too personal and should only be shared with those who need it. I will tell you that my walk has seen many struggles. My marriage has survived many fires, some that many don't recover from. My faith has been challenged many times and to this day I can not believe where I have been and where I am now. I will be glad to share this story, the one I didn't realize I had. I guess it was just what I thought life was going to be and that it could not help others. I know now that is not true. If my walk can help others, I need to find a way to share it. For now I will use it when God leads me to it. We can call it a testimony or just a story, but until you realize how much you have been delivered from you can not see how big and great our God is. My God became bigger last night as I looked at where I was and where I am now.

The me you may think you know is much deeper than you may realize. I have never been perfect or even aspired to be. I played the role of someone who had "no problems" and convinced many that was true. I am flawed beyond repair and the scars that have healed have made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know I am not yet who I am intended to be, but lately I am seeing that there is more that I am to do. I may actually have to take that leap of faith and step out of the boat....once again.....

Making some changes....

Well, it has been 7 weeks now and I think I really am on a path to changing me. I have officially lost 11.4 pounds since I began weight watchers and I am determined to continue. It helps that I paid for the full 17 weeks upfront and now I KNOW I have to keep working the program. I would never be able to throw away that money. I am try to remember that it took me many years to put this weight on so I am trying to be patient and happy with losing slowly.

Also, I have started training at The Road again. It has been a while since I have trained, but I love being back. It is hard getting everything ready for us to be gone but I'm sure I will get the hang of it again. Tara told me today that she likes it when we are gone to train. She said that we come back with a spark in our eyes and a happier outlook on life. I think that is true. Training always reminds me of God's grace and that He has blessed us greatly. It is always amazing to see God change lives right before my eyes. If I haven't told each of you about The Road, ask me some time. It helped me accept God's love and grace for my life.

I have been a slacker as of lately with my Bible reading. I have fallen off the wagon. I am so mad at myself, but I will not quit. I have to get back to reading. I just got so stuck in reading Job. I know it is a good book, but it is so hard to go through all the lamenting. So, ask me sometime about my reading. Maybe that will spur me on to continue reading. It really is fascinating to read God's word.

So, life is getting back to normal in a new kind of way. Mike has a new job and so we are trying to get use to new hours, new personalities, and new way of living. We have 3 months of "probation" at this job and so things just feel a bit uneasy. The blessing is....he has a new job!!! God is good....all the time....all the time, God is good!

Next week is TAKS reading test for my kids. I am a bit stressed, but I am trusting and believing that I have done everything necessary to prepare the kids for the test. I have a busy weekend of training at The Road and then Monday will be a day of reviewing. Tuesday will be the big day! Until then, I probably won't sleep much and will pray more.

Things just keep going and changing and I'm trying to embrace this new kind of normal......

Consequences....

I'm just a little frustrated today. Have you ever thought life was just not fair? I am seeing that more and more. I don't understand when people believe the worse in someone without taking the time to find out the truth. I also don't understand how a name.....a family name....can be more important than truth. How can punishments be decided based on name rather than on justice? I've see this kind of thing on TV and thought....wow, that wouldn't really happen....but it does. Unfortunately my baby is caught in the middle of such an event. Her word against another's, but that person has a name to back him/her up. So, my baby gets the book thrown at her and the other gets a slap on the wrist. Just doesn't seem fair....does it?

So, what's a mom to do? We advised her to be truthful. Tell the truth. Don't cover for someone else. Accept your consequences, and don't beg. Take responsibility and trust the system. Yea right! She tells the truth and since the other person lied...and has a name....they believed that version instead of her's. Actually, telling the truth HURT her. If she had lied and gone with the story already told, she would have gotten off easy, but since we wanted her to be truthful, she got the harshest punishment available.

So, again, what am I to do? Do I fight this for her? I know she did wrong. She should have consequence, but should her's been more harsh than the other involved? Should she pay for both of them just because she told the truth?????? UGH! This really ticks me off. Do I just tell her "life isn't fair" and let her take her punishment and the other get off scott free?

I'm angry and sad and frustrated and just flat out ticked off! I'm disappointed in her and wonder what happened to her brain when she chose to be stupid for a day! I know, that sounds harsh and I am just venting. My child is precious and has a heart of gold. She tried to help someone, the wrong kind of help, and got in trouble for it. She was not out partying or breaking any law. She wasn't messing around or living wildly. She just made a bad choice and is being treated like a horrible person.

I am proud of my baby girl. She stood up and took responsibility. She told the truth, even when it could/did mean she would be treated harshly. She risked the so-called friend being mad at her for ratting him/her out. She stood up and faced the music and is accepting the consequence. She is a good girl and does not deserve what she is getting. I just keep believing that what goes around, comes around. I want to be a fly on the wall when her friend finally has to face the lies that have been told at her expense. I'm still trusting that vengeance is the Lord's and I will not have to take this in to my own hands! Life just isn't fair!

1924....

This is my new baby! It is a 1924 Singer sewing machine. It was Mike's aunt's that she bought for $50 years ago. After she died, his uncle gave it to his grandmother. Since his grandmother has passed away, the aunt she was living with is moving. In the moving, she gave it back to his uncle, who gave it to ME! Well, to Mike and then to me! It is absolutely beautiful. I am not usually this pumped about a sewing machine, but his one is awesome. I love antiques and this is now the best one I have! What a wonderful treasure found in cleaning out a house! Just wanted to share it with everyone. I'm sure it may inspire some other writing, but for now I am enjoying its simple beauty.

Sail on.....

I remember being a kid and going to see my uncle's sail boat. It was beautiful. I was amazed at the size and the different parts of the boat. We sat on the deck of the hull (I think that is what it is called) and rocked with the waves. It was the most peaceful feeling and sound. I was happy to just sit and relax. But there was that tiny part of me that wanted to go on a ride. I wanted to see the sails open and the boat take off. I wanted to be part of the experience and be able to say I was there. But that day, the winds were calm and instead of sailing, we rocked gently with the waves.

I have a friend who tells me constantly that I need to come visit and go sailing with her. Frankly, that scares me a bit. The idea of something as powerful as the wind taking hold of a white bedsheet spread across some sticks and being flung around trying to keep the boat from, I think the term is....keeling over, just does not feel safe to me. I'm more of a sit by the sea on my chair and watch the waves splash against the shore while enjoying a nice cup of coffee, kind of girl.

I'm teasing a bit with my idea of a sail boat....I know they are much more safe than I am giving credit to. I actually believe that my friend would take me on the ride of my life and I would probably love every second of it. I also know that it is not a bedsheet or sticks that make up the sail. (Sorry Jaimi....I was just being creative in my writing!) But the power of the wind and the handling of the boat do make me nervous. You really can't blame me when my friend describes the experience at times like this, "...but when the waters are so rough, the wind so strong, and the current raging...it can mean death also." Hum, I'm not a tempt death kind of person. Nope not me!

I know if Jaimi reads this she will have a few words about my fear for me. I have listened to her for over a year tell me how freeing sailing can be. She is in love with the sea and with sailing. I hear strength in her voice and can tell her spirit is renewed each time she goes sailing. She finds herself in the presence of God's creation and feels the power of the winds He created and in some way becomes part of that creation as she glides across the water in a kind of dance with the wind. That inspires me. It intrigues me and makes me want to be that brave. I often wonder if I had tried it when I was younger....that day on my uncle's boat....if maybe I would have overcome some of my fear. Then at other times, I think this is just the way I was created.

I think God makes us that way. Some are like sails...full of adventure and life. They have dreams that push them ahead and keep them moving forward. Always ready for whatever God asks of them. Never afraid to take the next step or go where He leads. Then there are those of us who are more like anchors. We long for the peaceful waves that rock us steady and keep us calm. We are happy with making the best of where we are and enjoying the beauty of the moment.

One thing I have learned, God made us for each other too. We are all part of His plan and are each made for a purpose. Just as with the sail boat, each part has a purpose. A sail catches the wind and moves the boat forward. A sail is just a white sheet if it does not have a mast or boom to support it. The hull must support the mast. The keel must stabilize the hull and the rudder's purpose is to steer the hull. Each part must work together in perfect sync to move across the water. If one part is not working as it should, the whole ship suffers. And when that ship needs to be steady, if there is no anchor, it can slip away in a storm.

Within our family of faith, there are sails.....those who dream big dreams and catch the desire to move in which ever direction God leads. There are those who must support the sails and give them the strength and encouragement to follow those dreams. There are also those who's purpose is to add guidance and direction and keep the wind from blowing us off course during storms. And then, when things are hard and troubled waters threaten our security, there are anchors that remind us of where our faith lies. They keep us steady in the storms that come but they also know when to let the sails open and for us to take flight. With God as our captain, I don't see how this ship could fail.

As my friend, Jaimi, said, "We face challenges and temptations daily. We sometimes forget to help others when we are at our darkest moments. We get sidetracked and fail miserably. God has to be our focus at all times....Just like the captain of the boat is there to guide and direct and help at the stormiest of times...so is God...but we have to listen and do. There is the reminder that if you aren't listening to the captain...and doing what you know you should be doing...you will fall...into the water...sometimes and usually the captain can be there to get you out...but when the waters are so rough, the wind so strong, and the current raging...it can mean death also."

I pray we listen to our Captain and work together to find our way through the storm. Everyone is needed and important to the success of this journey. Each of us have our purpose and are needed in the family of faith to do our part to keep afloat. Do not be blinded in to believing this storm will not try to beat us, but believe that our Captain is in control and that calmer waters are ahead. There will be time to sit and relax while enjoying the surroundings, but for now, we must pull together until we make it back to shore.

VOICE OF TRUTH BY CASTING CROWNS


I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM BY CASTING CROWNS

Heart Check....

I listened to a discussion tonight that went round and round for a while, but settled on the matter of the heart. Our hearts are such delicate and guarded areas of our lives that it would seem we would know what things live there. However sometimes things creep in that we did not realize had taken up residence. Bitterness and self-centeredness seem to creep in the fastest. Pride and prejudice also seem to sneak in to some of the crevices. I know we don't want to admit it or maybe we don't even see it, but many times they are there.

I will confess.....I know bitterness and jealousy seem to like to really jump in to mine and then before I know it, I am so self-centered, I can't see the world around me. (I learned that confession was good for the soul.....I believe for the heart as well.) I try to not let these take up residence, but at times they seem to get control and I don't know what has hit me until I am smack dab in the middle of a pity party.

The worse part of this is that when I let things take up space in my heart and crowd out Jesus, I am limited in my testimony of His salvation. You see, when I am so focused on ME and what I want or what I need, then I lose the ability to see Christ's will for my life and for those around me.

So here is the heart check....what is going on in your heart? Are you looking at what works best for you or are you looking for what is best for others? Are you harboring bitterness and resentment towards someone for their short comings and mistakes, or are you forgiving and loving them despite what they may have done to you? Or have you decided to lock your heart away behind a wall of protection so that no one can ever get in again....including Jesus?

What would happen if we all took a step back, examined our own hearts and were honest with ourselves about what is living in our hearts and pushing our Savior out? Would we start seeing that we need a softer heart? Would we learn that no one is perfect and that none of us has a right to judge another? Would we see that until Jesus is the Lord of our HEART and our LIFE that we will never be the church that He died for us to be?

This thing called "being a Christian" does not mean we all have it right....not even our leaders. It means that we are daily giving our hearts and our lives to Christ and choosing to live in love as Christ loved us. When we allow anything other than Christ to take up residence and control the heart, we open the door for many heart attacks, not the medical kind, but the spiritual kind. If you give the evil one a foothold in your heart, he will take it and run.

I was always taught to GUARD YOUR HEART. I also know that we can ask God to CREATE WITHIN US A CLEAN HEART AND RENEW A RIGHT SPIRIT WITHIN US. We need to do a heart check. We need to look at our motives and our desires. Are we in this for our own selfish gratification or have we opened our hearts to be like Christ? If it is to be like Christ then we MUST get rid of all filth that clogs any artery of love and forgiveness and step out of the way for true healing to begin.

My heart has needed a check up for a while. No more bitterness. No more unforgiveness. No more envy. No more pride. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me!