Dreams seem to be where my subconscious decides to drive home some points of life. There are normal stressed-filled, can't get it all done...kind of dreams and then there are those that scream at me to be thought about and analyzed. These dreams have meaning and a message. This is my latest dream message....
I'm in a small SUV of some kind with 3 or 4 other friends. We are driving to somewhere....I'm not real sure of our destination. I am in the back passenger seat nearest the window. I am just merely there. Our trip continues and then it seems we are somewhere off the beaten path. There are cliffs rising up along the passenger side of the vehicle. It is a small, two-lane road that is winding through what seems to be a dark forest. The conversation in the vehicle turns to one of argument on the direction we should be going. Most are protesting the route we are on. We are even pleading to turn around and go back....to go another way. The driver insists we are going the right way and that she knows what she is doing. She continues down the road against our protests and concerns. We come to a curve in the road. Cliffs on one side, dark trees and a drop off on the other. The road is muddy and as we round the corner there is a flood of water rushing over the road. The driver insists we are safe. She pushes the engine harder and heads straight for the rushing water. We, the passengers, are yelling our fears and protests, and yet, we plunge ahead. The next image I still see in my head is the rushing brown muddy water filling the vehicle. I watch as we are trapped inside, the water rising quickly and I see it as it covers my eyes....and then my head. We are all lost.....
Two things hit me in this dream. One, I am not in control. I am not in the driver's seat. I am at the mercy of the one driving and they are not listening to my pleas. Two, I am drowning. I am drowning from the control that someone else has had over my life. I see the danger. I know what needs to be done, but I am trapped in the back seat, buckled in, and out of control. The destination is being decided for me and I have no voice in what happens next. So simply, I drown.
I know it is not a pleasant dream or interpretation, but to say this dream haunts me is an understatement. I have thought of it often. It plays over and over in my mind. I can still see and FEEL the water rising around me. I can see the brown muddy water as it takes over every part of me.
The questions I am asking myself are these: WHO is the one in control? WHY am I allowing them to have control? WHAT must I do to get out of the back seat of my life and back in to the driver's seat? WHEN am I going to get my voice back?
Drowning is a good interpretation of how I have felt about my life recently. Suffocating from the constant stress and pressures around me, much of which has been totally out of my control.
So for now, I am trying to find my way out....trying to regain a sense of control over my own destination. If I don't....I fear....it will take me under and I will never resurface. I am finding my voice....standing up for my needs and my desires and fighting for a new direction for my life. No more cliffs, dark corners or rushing rivers for me....No more uncaring, pushy, know-it-all drivers. I'm taking control again.....so I can live!
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