My battle plan....

This has been one of those months. I knew when the calendar turned to April that my life would become a whirlwind, but I had no idea what all that would include. Each weekend in this month has involved me being out of town. Not being able to veg out on my couch and catch up on sleep after a week of work is harmful to my health! I am one of those girls that needs some down time and I have not had any in a month.

Before you think I am just going to complain, I want you to know this has been a very rewarding month too, despite my over active schedule. I was blessed to train in The Road seminar in Tyler two of the weekends. I watched my baby girl perform at LTC in puppets and drama another weekend and then last weekend, Tara and I made a trip out to Abilene to register her for college in the fall. It has been a blessed month in a lot of ways, but it still has left my mind and body exhausted.

Along with this exhaustion has come some attacks on my spiritual well being. I know when I go in to the battle of training at Roads, that I need to be prayed up and confessed up. I also know that when we go in to seminar with the purpose of sharing Christ and helping others find freedom from their pasts we paint a big red target on our lives. That has been true again this month. It has been stronger and harder than I ever remember it being.

It started before seminar began....towards the end of March. A direct attack on my self esteem has lingered all month because I have not been able to relax, think, write or process out the feelings I have had. I have found myself becoming fearful and not trusting. I have begun to be suspicious of secrets and lies. I have become angry and have not known where that anger was coming from. I have had to look at this part of my life again and work on walking through it to gain any part of my esteem back.

I am super blessed to have my hubby and friends there for me when I have been struggling. It is almost a night and day change today from yesterday. I know their prayers have made a major impact on my mind. Those scriptures on taking "every thought captive" have become my battle plan. I also am going to practice being still and knowing God this weekend. My Bible has to be beside me right now. In my weakness I am looking for His strength. I am battle weary and my armor needs some polishing.

In all of this I have wanted to run and hide. Withdraw from society and isolate myself. It had always worked for me in the past. Hide in my hole and not come out until absolutely necessary. But this time, I am just taking a little rest, but still reaching out. No hiding for me. I know that my enemy would love for me to feel isolated and unloved. I know he would feed my insecurities and destroy my trust. I know that I would find myself alone because I would have pushed everyone away. Not this time....I am hanging on to my support group, my girls who hold me accountable and my family who have watched this battle before and have stood by me each time.

Time to rest....time to refuel....time to fight back and get strong again. Time to be still and listen and remember who I am to Him. Time for me.....

The Road we are on....

I'm really irritated...this is part of my "living"...acknowledging my emotions! I get to spend weekends every now and then watching God break down barriers and walls in the lives of people. It is absolutely awe-inspiring seeing God work. I am so blessed to get to have a ring side seat in the miracles, and yes, they are miracles! The thing that upsets me are those who are closed off to the idea of this program just because it is not something they "know" everything about. Now before I go any further, I want to say I am not thinking of just one person or two. There are several who have turned their noses up at it for one reason or another. The sad thing is that they are only hurting themselves. They are the ones missing out and those of us on the other side see this as very sad. Our excitement to share what we have gained and what we have seen God do sometimes takes people time to get use to. I get that. We are a pumped up group and our group is growing. We can be a bit pushy too because all we want is for others to have what we have gotten.

So, my irritation comes from those who are just negative about what we are doing. I had a friend give the example in a lesson about a man who chose to go in to the bars to meet people right where they are and teach them about Christ. He made many people upset with the idea of it being okay to go in to bars to reach people....hum, where did Jesus go??? I believe he came to save the lost! Isn't that our mission too? Saving those who are lost? Leading others to Christ? Well, that is what The Road does. We meet people right where they are. We help them face the things that are holding them back from reaching where God wants them to be and we walk with them through the fires to get to the other side. Sad thing is, I can't share that with some of my friends because they don't want to hear it. They don't want to know what we have been through. It upsets me because I really need their support and their covering with prayers when I am in this battle. We are in such a spiritual battle when we go in with the purpose of helping set those bound in sin find freedom in Christ. Mike and I have been under extreme attack this last month and after part 1 of this seminar, I understand why. Each attack and our response to it, led us to a place of being able to help those who we came in to contact with this weekend. It has helped us see the sins separate from the person. I has allowed me to see that there are many victims when it comes to sin and sometimes the victim is the one committing the sin. But, I can't share that with my friends who have not been where we have been, because frankly, they don't want to hear it.

So, I feel the attacks still coming. We have been being hit from every direction. Now, our friendships seem to be in the crosshairs. This I know....God is with us...He will see us through this and I have to turn these friendships over to Him again. He is my focus. His will and His mission is my goal. Serving and helping others reach a relationship with Christ is so much more than living....it is life itself! I had forgotten how much training opens my heart up and awakens my mind. I had forgotten how truly close to God I must walk to be protected from the arrows that are being fired at me. I ask that you pray for Mike and I as we reenter this battle. We need the prayers of the faithful for protection because never before have we had such a target on us. Pray for those that we come in contact with that we can proclaim freedom for the captives and that all will come to know Christ. Pray for our friendships that are dear to us and are strained. Pray that God holds all of us close to Him so that we can do His will.

If you are interested in learning more about The Road Adventure please check it out: www.theroadadventure.org

So much.....

Wow....so much is going on. So much has gone on that I don't really know where to start. Life is just such a roller coaster and a beautiful ride at the same time. I am blessed...blessed beyond my imagination and then on days I feel that life is almost too much to understand. One day is up and the next day is down. No, my emotional state is not at question here....I'm really in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in a very long while. I am just feeling and living and being as alive as I possibly can. It is just so much!

Sometimes living and feeling is so painful. To feel the pain of loss is hard. To allow yourself to cry and feel the pain of the hurt is to live. To stuff it down in those dark controlled places is faking life. The loss of my cousin hit me so hard I could not figure out where the intensity of the pain came from. We were not close. He was several years younger than me and his family had moved to North Carolina many years ago. We had spent very few holidays together and truly, I did not "know" him. However, he is my baby cousin and I remember holding him and playing with him as a baby. He is also my family. A life so young and with so much ahead of him was cut so short. I have been depressed to a point before of wondering if life was worth the hard work it took to live, but never to the point of giving up. Such a tragic end to a beautiful young man. The tears that flowed from losing him were felt from my toes to the inner part of my soul.

Sometimes living is feeling fear. To fear is to put life in perspective. Fear of illness. Fear of death. Fear of loss. Fear. Fear made my eyes open to how much I have before me right now. Fear made me look at what I would lose if I didn't fight for life. Fear showed me how special love is. Fear made me move from static life to full life. Fear pushed me back in to living. Fear made each moment matter for a lifetime. Fear of facing illness that could change my life forever pulled me back to life. Fear of losing my life caused each day to be sweeter.

Sometimes living is hurting. Again, walking through the hurt, facing it head on and walking through it so it can't hold you paralyzed. Allowing hurt to be seen can only allow life to grow. If hurt is not acknowledged then it can not be healed. Hiding the hurt keeps healing from happening and it also keeps others from being able to help you live again. The minute I allowed that hurt and weakness be seen, the moment healing began and I could live again instead of drowning and losing my life in pity. Allowing Mike to know what had hurt me gave him the opportunity to mend that hurt and show his love for me. Being weak allowed our life together to grow. It allowed us to really live....together.

Sometimes living is sharing. Sharing those precious moments in life with others instead of keeping them all to yourself is living. Spending hours and days sharing the inner parts of yourself with others and finding acceptance brings validation to my life. It brings the meaning of living to a sweeter place. Sharing with my coffee girls and being truly transparent with people who love me for me no matter what allows me to know that I am just a girl....a girl with hopes, dreams, hurts and real fears.

Sometimes living is serving. Serving is where life begins. Life jumps out at you and shows you where you are meant to be. Serving enriches your soul. Serving gives meaning to all the garbage you may go through and gives a way to make beauty out of ugliness in life.

I know I've rambled about life, but for me life is full. In the last month alone it has been full of pain, sorrow, fear, grief, shame, pity, loneliness, depression, gratitude, anger, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, compassion, jealousy, happiness and pure joy. All these plus many more have made me see that living is feeling. Living must happen no matter where you are emotionally. To choose not to live is to choose death...whether it is a real death or a spiritual death...neither are okay. Neither gives glory to God. The only way to glorify God is to live in whatever circumstance that comes your way. I had to make the choice to live....no matter what comes my way!

These 2 songs have been in my dreams and on my mind for this month....I've shared them before, but they are so worth hearing again....Live!