Wow....so much is going on. So much has gone on that I don't really know where to start. Life is just such a roller coaster and a beautiful ride at the same time. I am blessed...blessed beyond my imagination and then on days I feel that life is almost too much to understand. One day is up and the next day is down. No, my emotional state is not at question here....I'm really in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in a very long while. I am just feeling and living and being as alive as I possibly can. It is just so much!
Sometimes living and feeling is so painful. To feel the pain of loss is hard. To allow yourself to cry and feel the pain of the hurt is to live. To stuff it down in those dark controlled places is faking life. The loss of my cousin hit me so hard I could not figure out where the intensity of the pain came from. We were not close. He was several years younger than me and his family had moved to North Carolina many years ago. We had spent very few holidays together and truly, I did not "know" him. However, he is my baby cousin and I remember holding him and playing with him as a baby. He is also my family. A life so young and with so much ahead of him was cut so short. I have been depressed to a point before of wondering if life was worth the hard work it took to live, but never to the point of giving up. Such a tragic end to a beautiful young man. The tears that flowed from losing him were felt from my toes to the inner part of my soul.
Sometimes living is feeling fear. To fear is to put life in perspective. Fear of illness. Fear of death. Fear of loss. Fear. Fear made my eyes open to how much I have before me right now. Fear made me look at what I would lose if I didn't fight for life. Fear showed me how special love is. Fear made me move from static life to full life. Fear pushed me back in to living. Fear made each moment matter for a lifetime. Fear of facing illness that could change my life forever pulled me back to life. Fear of losing my life caused each day to be sweeter.
Sometimes living is hurting. Again, walking through the hurt, facing it head on and walking through it so it can't hold you paralyzed. Allowing hurt to be seen can only allow life to grow. If hurt is not acknowledged then it can not be healed. Hiding the hurt keeps healing from happening and it also keeps others from being able to help you live again. The minute I allowed that hurt and weakness be seen, the moment healing began and I could live again instead of drowning and losing my life in pity. Allowing Mike to know what had hurt me gave him the opportunity to mend that hurt and show his love for me. Being weak allowed our life together to grow. It allowed us to really live....together.
Sometimes living is sharing. Sharing those precious moments in life with others instead of keeping them all to yourself is living. Spending hours and days sharing the inner parts of yourself with others and finding acceptance brings validation to my life. It brings the meaning of living to a sweeter place. Sharing with my coffee girls and being truly transparent with people who love me for me no matter what allows me to know that I am just a girl....a girl with hopes, dreams, hurts and real fears.
Sometimes living is serving. Serving is where life begins. Life jumps out at you and shows you where you are meant to be. Serving enriches your soul. Serving gives meaning to all the garbage you may go through and gives a way to make beauty out of ugliness in life.
I know I've rambled about life, but for me life is full. In the last month alone it has been full of pain, sorrow, fear, grief, shame, pity, loneliness, depression, gratitude, anger, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, compassion, jealousy, happiness and pure joy. All these plus many more have made me see that living is feeling. Living must happen no matter where you are emotionally. To choose not to live is to choose death...whether it is a real death or a spiritual death...neither are okay. Neither gives glory to God. The only way to glorify God is to live in whatever circumstance that comes your way. I had to make the choice to live....no matter what comes my way!
These 2 songs have been in my dreams and on my mind for this month....I've shared them before, but they are so worth hearing again....Live!
1 comment:
D:
You are so inspiring to me. I love how your words speak out to my heart. I too find it hard to LIVE - not physically but wholeheartedly live for God. All of the "stuff" bogs this heart down so much that at times it is hard to focus on the living. To focus on the good in this life can be pushed aside while all of the negative rages within. I too am perplexed with the fears of my children. A friend of mine lost her 2 month old to SIDS. i sat at the funeral as she held her precious son and gave him to God. It has been hard to sleep for the fears that my little one's too are still fragile. And the fears for my oldest as he tests the waters out in the world of being a teenager. I have to trust in God to guide me and to mold these precious spirits. But oh the fear I have. I am praying for you. You are such a blessing to me.
Love You!
Amy Q
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