Have you ever realized how truly blessed you are? I did last evening. Mike and I were priviledged enough to walk our senior daughter on the football field to be honored for her 4 years of hard work in the band/color guard program. She has been captain of the guard for 3 years. But more than that, she has been a great leader spiritually and morally during these years of high schoool. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a daughter like her. During this evening, I also learned how truly blessed I am with the husband God sent me. Mike has not always been the most god-fearing man, but he has always had a loving heart. That is what I fell in love with years ago. Mike has become the man God wants him to be and my girls and I are so blessed to have him. He is not the richest, most athletic, smartest, or even the very best looking man in the world, but he is everything and more to our family. He loves and and he shows it to us. He is a great daddy. One that attends all of his daughters' events and supports them as strongly as he would have supported a son. Band is not his "thing" but he cheers for them and has even learned to be impressed by the show that they put on week after week. He coaches soccer and our youngest thinks she can't play without her "good luck daddy" there to watch. From soccer, to tennis, volleyball, softball and color guard, listening to band concert after band concert and even a piano recital or two, Mike has supported our girls through it all. He listens to them and wants them to have the best life possible. He is steady and strong when they need it and he is soft and warm when they need a daddy to cuddle. He is everything that I wish my dad had been. God is so good to bless our family with him.

It's been a while since I have posted anything. Part of that is that I am worn out from running all over the place. That is typical of my falls each year. This one has not been as bad, but it is starting to catch up with me. I am sick today with head and chest stuff and I know it is due to my body being worn down and not able to fight off all the junk around me. Chelsea also had strep the last couple of weeks and I am hoping I am not starting a battle with that myself. Chels is much better now and I am very relieved. We had gotten mixed signals from the doctor in the beginning of her illness and we were worried it was more than a typical bout with the step bacteria. However, it all turned out good. Poor baby, she underwent blood test and urinalysis and all kids of new medical procedures to find out she was okay. In the end, she looked at me and asked, "Mommy, am I really bad sick?" Poor little thing, she had worried more about it than I knew. I was so thankful that I could tell her "no" she was just fine and that the doctor just had to make sure. The look on her face when I told her that I had been praying for her and had my friends praying for her was priceless. I know prayer healed her. The doctors had been puzzled with what was going on in her little body, but I know that through prayer, all is well again. What an awesome God.

I have started another Bible study for the fall. (one more thing on my plate) It is another Beth Moore study and one I have done before. It is Breaking Free. It was the first study I ever did of hers and it was at a time of totally loss in my life. It was one of the hardest times in my marriage, with my family and emotionally that I can remember. It was also at a time that I turned back to trusting God first and foremost in my life. It will be very interesting to see where this study will take me at this point in life. Life is so much different now. Mike is becoming daily the spiritual leader in our family. My girls are in high school, except for Chels, and we are facing new challenges. Financially, we are surviving and believing in God to see us through the different storms that hit. We have Christian friends that hold us accountable and pray daily for us. Life is just so different now. It will be a blessing to see where this leads.

Ashton is struggling in her new government class. I am afraid it is going to be harder than she imagined it would be. I am concerned for her. She really needs to do well in this class and it is one of the hardest classes she has had to take. Stress is not a good thing for her either. She has a lot on her plate and I really don't want to see stress be another part of it. We went to a college fair for Christian colleges yesterday. The cost of a Christian education is just too much for me to comprehend. I want her to go to a Christian university, but I just don't know how Mike and I are going to pay for it. I am trusting God to provide the way. The cheapest college is Harding University in Arkansas, but it is 6+ hours away and Ashton doesn't want to go that far. The closest, TCU, is about $26,000 PER YEAR! I know she will get scholarships but it will still take a lot to make up the difference.

I really don't feel like writing today, but I don't think I can enjoy my day until I get a few things off my chest. We had planned a family get-away for the Labor Day weekend. Nothing fancy, just escaping to Mike's dad's house to swim and be away from home and the ordinary for a while. After making plans, my mother plans a dinner for my grandmother's birthday for Sunday while we are gone. But really, it was for all of us to get to see my brother Todd since he would have his first pass from the rehab center for this weekend. Mother insisted that it would be a bad thing if WE didn't show up to show our support of him. So, I made plans to drive an hour drive home just to have birthday dinner for GrandMary and to see my brother. Mike did not want us to go. He didn't go. He stayed in Lucas because he was on call and had just gotten back in from a job. He also didn't want to go play this sick game we play with my family of acting like everything is okay. So, the girls and I went.

I called Mom's phone, Dad's phone, the house phone over and over trying to touch base about what time dinner would be and to let them know we were on our way (I didn't think I had a choice, Mom made it sound as if I HAD to be there). Once we got to Kaufman, we stopped by the store to get Granny a card and we tried calling them AGAIN. This time Dad answered and Ash told him we would be there in a minute. He said, "OH, we didn't know you all were coming. We just sat down to eat!" That started it. They didn't KNOW. They had INSISTED on us being there and now they are going to sit down to eat without ever checking on us. This is a long standing issue with them. They will wait for hours for one of my uncles or my brothers to get there, but NEVER wait on us. It was only 12:30 p.m. and we were almost there! Anyhow, Ash told them that YES we were coming and would be there in 10 minutes.

I could feel my blood begin to boil. I tried continuously to forgive and to let it go and to get over it before I pulled in the drive, but it was still very much a part of me. I could hear Mike's voice in my head saying, "See they never change!" But, I tried to put on a happy face and continue. Mom and Dad met us outside with these fake smiles on their faces like they were so glad we made it. My face did not match theirs and Mom knew immediately that I was angry. I still proceeded to be controlled and make the best of it. When we entered the house, Granny was eating her full plate of food and Dad's plate was half finished. Mom had waited for us. However, my brother was no where to be seen. We fixed our plates and Dad blessed the food again. Then we ate. It was so tense in the room, you could feel it, but I still didn't know just what "it" was. The girls asked me in whispered voices "Where's Todd?" I didn't know. No one had told me anything different. I expected him to be there. It was 30 minutes later or so, after I had calmed down a bit, that I found out the truth of the situation. When Todd found out that I was coming for lunch, he through a fit. Stomped all around the house saying, "She stole my beer! She poured it out! I don't want to see her!" and on and on and on. (This was all from the day we made him leave my grandmother's house because he was totally wasted and out of his mind.) Mom had yelled at him and told him to go to his room and not come out if he couldn't be civil.

Later, after a little excitement with a wild horse outside, Dad decided to march Todd out in front of all of us and take him over to GrandMary's to watch the baseball game. He didn't even look at me. He spoke to Tara and Chelsea, but said nothing to Ash or I. Then he got what he wanted. He didn't have to be around me because Dad took him to watch the baseball game on Granny's cable TV. WhooHoo! Reward Todd for being a total *#@! (I wrote the word, but couldn't leave it there in print. It doesn't change what I think of how he is acting!) Once again, he won. He got his way. Mom and Dad bowed to his every whim and he was in control of the whole situation. Master Manipulator! I can't stand him.

All I can say is that I am done. Finished. God is really going to have to heal this family. I have been praying and crying and wanting this thing fixed but it hasn't happened yet. I know to wait for God's time, but that doesn't mean I am ever going to put myself or my girls through this again. I am setting a boundary. It may not be right but it for protection right now. I will not change my plans ever again to accommodate Todd or his "visits". My girls and I did not deserve the treatment that he dished out. Ash felt it, I felt it and I believe Tara and Chelsea did too. I'm done. Like the apostle Paul when he shook the dirt from his feet after being "booed" out of a city. He moved on. I am too. I don't think anyone can understand what I feel inside. The total loss of mercy..... That's hard to say. I want to have mercy on him and somewhere deep inside I still do have a little, but the evil that controls him turns my mercy off and makes the bit of prophecy I have want to kick in. Totally free of emotion or restraint, I want to speak to that evil that has him and has changed him.

My family bends over backwards for Todd. Every one of them! What about me? What about my family? What about our needs of a father and mother and grandparents? What about us? I fear that this may still break apart all pieces of what is left of "normal" in our home. I don't want anything to do with any of them right now. I would pack everything and move where no one can ask me about my brother and how he is doing. Where no one could compare me to my mother or ask me "how are your parents holding up?" I just want it all done. Finished and over. This time of "rehab" has not done anything for Todd yet and I don't know that it will. God has allowed people to keep their hardened hearts and He also chooses whom He will have mercy on and who He will not. How do I go on? How do I deal with this? Forgiveness? Yes, but it may take quite some time. Right now, I don't want to even think about it. Sweep in under the rug. Put it away, pretend it doesn't matter and it will vanish. I wish.

I am so excited! School is out for 3 days!!!! Yipee! Yahoo! I am feeling a little relief! I thought by this afternoon that I was going to pull someone's hair out and it was not going to be mine. I have got to figure out how to control my precious little darlings! This group of kids are fearless. There is no care or concern for rules or for doing a good job on work in this bunch. I might have a handful of kids who seem to care and know that if I call their parents, they are in trouble. But there is a whole lot of them who just don't care. It is so frustrating to see kids who don't care about doing good. They seem to not have any pride.

On a happier note, I HAVE A NEW CAR!!! Yes, I was approved for a new vehical and it was the easiest process I have ever had in buying a car. Mike and I really prayed about this one and it was so nice turning the decision over to God. We had driven this little Equinox suv and thought it was cute and what we were looking for for me to drive instead of the big suburban. We had almost paid off the suburban and didn't know if we should just keep it and deal with the gas issue or go for a vehical that didn't drink gas. Anyhow, I decided to just trust God in this decision. We prayed that if this was meant to be, we would not have any "speed bumps" in the process of buying the car. If it was not meant to be, we would know from the bumps we would run into. Needless to say....NO SPEED BUMPS! They gave us what we owed before we told them what we needed for the suburban. The loan was approved immediately and I drove the car home today. It was amazing. It is taking some adjustment from driving my "bus" to now being in a normal size vehical. I almost cried in leaving the suburban. It was like leaving a family member behind. It really had been a good truck. It carried us everywhere. This one won't be near as roomy, but it will do what is needed. I am sure of it. We drove it to the football game tonight and it was really nice. However, we could not carry everyone that we would have normally loaded in the car. We took 2 vehicals instead of our one. It was okay, but it did make me miss the big bus!

Kaufman won the football game! It was fun. Mom and I got to talk through most of the game. I mainly go to watch my girls perform at halftime, but I do enjoy the game too. Mike and my dad yelled like it was the most important game of the season....instead of one that really doesn't count. Chelsea is big enough to play with some of her friends during the game and be totally entertained. Tara and Ashton did really well and the color guard and band looked good. It was fun. However, AShton had a melt down after the show. She felt like she messed up and started being way to hard on herself. We all thought she did great! She also had an unfair event happen before the game. She organized for her color guard girls a "secret sister" gift exchange for each game. The girls draw names and buy their person a $5 or less little prize for the week. This was meant to build some of the sisterhood that the girls have needed. However, the girl who drew her name was the only one to NOT bring a gift. That left Ashton without anything. The other girls were very upset with the one who didn't bring Ash a gift. I have to say, I am too. It was just not right. The little girl is not very nice to the other girls either, but this was a little much.

Mom and Dad are not doing too well. I don't know for sure what all is going on, but most of it goes to the event of my brother, Todd coming home for a visit. This weekend we are having GrandMary's birthday dinner and Mom is going to pick Todd up for a 48 hour pass. None of us know how wise this move is, but Todd's case worker seems to think it will be good for him. We are all apprehensive and Mom is a basketcase. Dad is just not happy about it at all. He doesn't want to have anything to do with Todd. Dad's idea is to load up the travel trailer and sell the house and tour the country and run from anything that reminds him how hard life has been. Not quite my Mom's idea of living. So now, they are fussing. Not bad, but Mom is tired and stressed. DAd is wanting to pretend life is grand and not face the issue. I am sure it is the recipe for disaster.....or atleast a blow up. I just pray that God continues to lead them to people and places where they can find healing from all of this. I don't think either one is willing to go where they need to go to heal yet, but my prayer is that they do. Mom insists that she doesn't need any help....yea right....and Dad just hides and runs. I would really like to bop their heads together and make them see what they are doing. I am trying but they are not listening.

I also went to see my grandmother.....finally. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. She only fussed at me for 30 minutes instead of an hour this time. Not really, she was pretty good. I have learned to stand my ground with her. It has taken a lot, but when she starts attacking or belittling, I just shoot it down with truth. I like having a backbone again. It took me long enough to find it. I am trying to hold on to it.

We are off to Mike's dad's house this weekend. I plan to sit by the pool or in the hot tub and just rest. My house needs me to work on it, but I think I will just run away....for the weekend. I may just sit in front of the tv or sleep late or enjoy the pool. I'm not sure, but the time off will be greatly appreciated. We have started getting kids from Louisiana at school. Not many yet, but we know there are several families in Terrell, just 10 miles down the road. Also several other families in AThens, about 30 miles away. We know we will have more kiddos to take care of. It is just too sad to think about where these children have been and what they are going through.

The news is so dreary from New Orleans. It is so unbelievable what people will do to each other. I can not stand to watch the news, but on the other hand, I want to know what is going on. It just is shocking. I don't want to sound unmerciful, because I have been torn up emotionally about this situation, but the thought of Sodom and Gamorrah came to mind. My mother even asked me what I thought about the idea. I know our God is merciful, but I also know that He can not stand evil. More than once He taught His children that lesson. Who are we to think that He would not teach us the same lesson? There are 2 or 3 cities in this country that are known for their wild ways and unruly nature. New Orleans is one of them. I just pray that God is through with the lesson, if that is what it was. One of my buddies at school made a great analogy of this situation. She said, "The people knew this was coming. They had the opportunity to pack up and leave, but chose to wait and see and keep living the way they were living. Now look at the consequences. It is just like KNOWING that Jesus is coming again soon. Yet, some choose to wait and see and keep on living like they are living until they HAVE to change or move. As with some of those who chose to stay put and not leave the hurricane force winds, it may be too late if we don't recognize that He is coming sooner than later." So true.....

I don't pretend to understand why our God, our wonderful, merciful, Father and SAvior would allow such horrible and terrifying events happen, but I do know that His plan is perfect. He will have mercy on who He chooses to have mercy and He will punish those whom He chooses to punish. We are not in control or in charge of those decisions. Our job is to trust and obey and KNOW that our God is Holy.

I wish I had a laptop computer. Right now I am sitting in my chair with this dumb keyboard on my knees typing. I want to lean back in my chair and I can't with the keyboard on the desk. I know this is crazy, but you know me. I want things the way I want them. That seems to be the fuel on the flame lately. I have been exploding randomly all over the place. I would like to say it is just pms and that probably is a lot of it, but I know it is not all. (argggggg I can't get comfortable typing) Anyway, I just feel stir crazy when I am at home and I don't have near enough energy to accomplish the work that needs to be done around here and no one else does either. I hate looking at a dirty house. It makes me crazy. I can walk in the house and my whole attitude changes. Now, in light of the current situation in the gulf area, I should shut up here and quit complaining. I look around and love the fact that I have a home. Even if it is small, it is my home and we are cool and dry and have clothes and food and you name it. So why am I a basket case over the mess????? It is just me. I want it clean and neat and nice, but I don't want to do it by myself and it be a mess again later. I don't want to yell and fuss and nag over the mess that will be made after I clean, so I just save myself the trouble of cleaning and fuss about the mess. Sounds crazy to me......

I went off today too because the girls were just not getting what I was THINKING! Yes, I said thinking. They couldn't read my mind, so what did I do.....explode! Great! Another moment of insanity. Though, they really were not doing what I wanted and they should have known what to do at that time, but I yelled before I thought of redirecting their behavior. I think with school in full force and all the little stressors going on, I am totally out of patience and common sense by the end of the day. It might get better by the end of OCTOBER!!!!!! I don't know that I can make it that long. Some of the craziness has settled down a bit, but not all of it. Teachers are starting to snap at each other a little more. Personalities are starting to wear on others. There is not a lot of mercy flowing towards each other. I guess everyone is feeling like I am. Hopefully, I am not being negative to others at school. I think I have been really good there, it is home where I loose it.

On a better note, I drove an Equinox (Chevy) today. It is a cute little suv. It is roomy too. Mike like it. Now, if I can get the financing and trade in taken care of, I can start paying less for gas. However, I hate doing financial stuff. I wish I had someone to do that for us and just give me an allowance for each week to buy groceries and gas. It would be nice. I am going to call the credit union in the a.m. and see what can be done. The one I drove was green. It was nice, but I wouldn't choose green. They have a program car with under 20, 000 miles for $16, 000 compared to the $22,000 sticker price of this one. That is with the employee discount. I would really like to see the preowned before we make a deal. I don't know that I can get what I still own on my suburban for it, so that might be the problem. I am praying about it, but I just don't know what to do. I have always said that I would keep my suburban for as long as it could be used to serve the Lord. I don't feel that I am using it for that as much now and would like to downsize if possible. Gas is killing me. It was $2.99 for reg in TErrell today. $3.09 for medium grade and $3.19 for supreme. I could not believe it and now the news is pushing for $4 a gallon soon. I may have to switch jobs and come back to Kemp to teach......NOT! I would more likely sell the house and move in with my parents or my grandmother.

Today is my grandmother's birthday. I am the worse granddaughter ever. I have not seen her in over a month and I failed to call her. I am going to try to call when the girls get home from church. Hopefully it will not be too late by then. I have to go see her tomorrow!

My brother, Todd, was brought up on charges for possession on Monday. These charges are from back in 2003 but they have finally seen the lab work and decided to prosecute him. That is just great! He is finally in a rehab that seems to be working and now they want to put him on trial for something that was over 2 years ago. We don't know what to expect. The rumor on the judge is that he is hard-nosed and wants everyone who does anything wrong to go to jail. I believe Todd needs to pay the price, but I also feel that he is in the place he needs to be to find Christ to find healing. Jail would be a giant step backward and that scares me for him and for my family.

My hands are hurting so I guess I will get off this thing. I am having severe pain in my right hand from time to time. My friend, Lisa, says it is "arthur" coming to visit. Some others think it may be carpal tunnel syndrome or something like that. All I know is that when it hurts, I can't use it. This is the second episode in a month for it to hurt. I don't know of injuring it in the last month, so it must be something weird going on. Tonight it is okay, but I don't want to push it, so I will go for now.....

I am so exhausted! We had meet the teacher night tonight and I spent the better part of the day preparing for meeting the parents. It is such a hard thing to do. Parents want me to tell them how their child is doing after just a couple of weeks of knowing the child. I met a few parents that I really wanted to know about. I met the little boy's parents who said they were sending him back to foster care. I had a very hard time holding in my disgust with them. However, I did not get to meet the parents of one little girl we are concerned about. Today, this little one came to school saying that her step-dad had choked her around the neck and thrown her up against the wall. Luckily our principal was with us when she made the statement and took the little girl down to the counselor. CPS was called and was investigating before lunch time. The mom called the school, came up and yelled at the little girl and called her a liar. Then went home and dealt with cps some more. We had to send the child HOME today and she was scared to go. I just pray she is okay. I really hoped that something good would happen today for her. If she is not at school tomorrow, we have to report that to the office immediately.

This has been one of the most trying beginnings of a year that I have had in a while. The normal stressors have been there, but the things dealing with our kids has been harder. We have had several kids with major issues in the last week. I have one little boy who is being tossed back and forth between parents. He had to give up his home and school and dad to move into a home with 4 other children and a step dad as well as move to a new school. He also lost his grandmother in May before he was uprooted to this new place. He had a total melt down at the end of last week. Then we have the little one.....I do mean little one....whose parents want to send him back to foster care over a scratch on their car. We have the little girl whose step-dad choked her before sending her to school. today. We also had one with major anger issues who bowed up in my face, the bus duty teacher's face, the breakfast duty teacher's face, and the principal's face before being escorted home by the police. He has now moved to another school. I am shocked over all the craziness going on. I know these are the times that shape the future of these children. I just can't imagine my girls ever having to live the lives of these babies I teach. It is hard for me to be too tough on them with all the issues they seem to have.

One bright spot in the day was when one of my former co-teachers showed up at the school tonight. She left Kaufman to have her girls in private school in Ennis. She teaches there now but plans to return to us as soon as the girls are out of high school.....2 more years. She was one of the ones that kept the peace when things went crazy at school. Just her manner made you know everything was okay. I heard her voice in the hallway before I ever saw her. I was working at my desk and had to go see if it was my imagination playing tricks on me or not. I got to my classroom door and there she was. She looked great and she had the girls with her. They are twins and so grown up. I could even still tell them apart. They called me Mama FArmer when they were little because they were like my own and their mom was another mom to my girls as well. I think it has been atleast 2 years since I have seen them. The weird thing was that I had been thinking about them just this week. Even today I had thought of Lisa and then she was there!

I feel like lately that this computer is the only thing I get to talk to and that is because it is available at all hours of the night when my friends are not. I feel that I am working so much and the only time I have to visit with people is at church or the activities my girls are involved in. I haven't even talked on the phone to Angie in weeks. I just don't have time. Every minute is consumed with something. I don't know how to make others understand. I just don't have free time. When I am at home, my mind is so tired I can't carry on a decent conversation to save my life. I call the trash the sink, my shoes....a purse and tell the girls to get in the microwave to take a bath. I am telling you....MY BRAIN IS TIRED! Mike just laughs at me and says it is time for me to go to bed. Even while I type I transpose and confuse words. I only do these goofy things when I am exhausted. I just hate how it seems that I forget my friends. I really don't. I just don't get past the demands of the day to the point of just visiting. I also believe that I am all talked out by the time I leave school. I think there is a limit on the amount of conversations you can have in a day. I think I will go on to bed now and maybe tomorrow I can connect with some of my friends. Hopefully.......

What a day! Hurricane Katrina has pounded the gulf coast and thousands of people are displaced. It has really weighed heavy on my heart today. One of the strangest things and probably the most disturbing has been that I dreamed of a disaster just about a week ago. I thought it was going to be an earthquake or tornado though. I really was never sure. I guess a hurricane didn't cross my mind because we don't normally fear them around here. It still did not affect myself or my family, but it did hit close enough to home that it feels like my "neighbors" have been hit. I wish I could explain the dream. It was like I knew that something was going to happen. I have had dreams before, but never really felt that they were going to come true. This is really different and scary for me. I knew in the dream that I would be fine and that my family would be also, but that we would be close enough to see the devastation. I thought it was going to happen closer to us. I am so thankful that it did not. I am not so sure how I feel about "knowing" things ahead of time. That always has seemed like a weird thing to me but as I look back over life, I have known several things before they happened.

One such time was the birth of Ashton. EVERYONE was certain she was going to be a boy. We did not have a sonogram or anything to tell us for sure, but I knew she was a girl. I just knew. Another time was when my grandmother had 3 massive heart attacks that led to her death. I knew when the phone rang that it was for me. I was at a retreat for our youth group and it was well before cell phones were around. There was one phone in the kitchen of the place and during our morning devo the phone began ringing. I knew the minute it rang. I think I knew before.

Lately most of the "knowing" happens in restlessness. I don't sleep. I never know for sure what is wrong, but I know something is not right in the lfe of someone I love. All I can do is pray when this happens. This happened most recently when a couple of friends were being held as victims of violent crime and again when a friend's mother was missing for 10 hours. No one called or notified me during these events, but after they were safe again. It was only then that I realized they happened on those restless nights of prayer. God is amazing. My mother has always said that I had a connection, a direct line, to God. I never believed it before and really felt that it was just my mother's pride in me that made her say that. I also never felt worthy of such a gift. I think I am now ready and willing to accept it and use it as God sees fit.

On a different note, I have a little boy in my classes that is 10 years old and looks about 6. He is very small and very immature for his age. He is different from the other 5th graders in many ways. But today made me see him in a new light. He is such a little pill at times. He is very immature and can really push some of those buttons. Fifth grade teachers just are not use to having kids that are like first graders. It has been an adjustment. This baby has struggled emotionally too. Today he broke down and cried to my teaching partner that his mother hated him and that if she found out that he had put the scratch on her $35, 000 car, she was shipping him back to foster care. How horrible!!! I can't believe any woman would say such a thing to any child! We were not sure if this was true or if he was just having a fit.....like he is prone to do, but after the counselor was involved, she called the parents and found out that in fact the mother had said such horrible things to the child. I can not stand it. I want to adopt him myself. He thinks he is a bad kid and unloved and unloveable. What kind of world do we live in that makes a child feel this way? She would trade him for her CAR! I am outraged. My heart breaks over this and tears are not far from my eyes.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my girls. Chelsea was sick today and it broke my heart not to just stay home with her and snuggle all day. I really couldn't. I was so unprepared to miss a day of school and luckily, Mike was able to take off and come home to be with her. He had had to work yesterday and that allowed him to take off today. I am so blessed. Mike is such a good daddy and is really a great husband. I listened to other women talk about not being in a hurry to get home from our weekend at Women of Faith because they weren't ready to face the kids and house and husband, but you know, I couldn't wait! I missed my family. I love being with them. Quiet time is good, but my family is really my life. God has so blessed me.

I haven't been to see my grandmother in a while. I am really feeling bad about that, but not really wanting to go see her. It is so hard at times to just be there with her. I know I don't have many years left to hear her complain and nag, but it still doesn't make it easy to go see her. Every time I go see her all I hear is how I never come see her and how I must have loved my papa more than her and now that he is gone, I don't have anything to do with her. That is so untrue, but it makes me not want to be around her. She was so ugly to Mike and I a while back that I had to decide that a strong boundary with her needed to be made. I am trying to still be loving and available but to be more concerned about my immediate family instead of always making sure she is okay. It is not easy. Since my mom was the only girl of 5 children, I have taken that other roll as caregiver. My uncles are just not available or even competent to deal with Granny. Plus, Granny pushes them away just as she does me. Mom is the angel among us. Another reason I have not been over there, besides being so busy I can hardly sit still for a minute, is that my uncle Bobby has found out he has prostate cancer and he has gone to California for treatment without telling my grandmother. Granny will poke and prod until she finds out what she doesn't know and I didn't want to be the one to tell her. Mom finally told her and now I can go over without spilling the latest family secret.

Mike is gone to men's Bible class and the big girls are on their way home from band practice. Chelsea and I are just hanging out and I think I am going to try to get to bed early tonight. My mind is so full, but I feel like I need sleep. I have several financial things tormenting me. I really want to get a better grip on my finances. I know I am doing better, but I am not where I need to be yet. I seem to always be broke. I want to honor God financially too, but it seems that I just stay in a pit of debt. Mike has put himself on call so he can get any overtime available. I know God will honor our desire to honor Him, but I just don't know how it is all going to work yet. I need to rest and tackle the problem again tomorrow.

Well, I had not intended to sign up for another journal/blog account, but to post a message to another one, it seemed I had to sign up. I have needed a new avenue for writing so I will try this one for a while.

I am extremely tired today. I spent the weekend at the Women of Faith conference and basically had a slumber party with my sister-in-law and one of my best friends on Friday night of the conference. After the conference ended, Mike and I headed up to Roads for "stretch" and enjoyed some more time of praising God and watching lives change. I know I didn't spend a lot of time working with this group, but it looked like God had really changed lives once again in this ministry. I really wish more people understood what The Road was all about. So many of my family/church family/friends don't understand and it is hard to explain to them what it is and why I am so passionate about it without telling them what it is all about. I just keep praying that God will send them to the Road and then they will understand. Anyway, when Danny asked the group about who had found Christ for the first time or had their relationship renewed or strengthened, almost every hand was in the air. It was amazing.

I have learned that there is so much more to God than I could have EVER imagined. God is so big and so awesome and so mighty and holy that my mind can not conceive of His greatness. Yes, at one time I thought I had this God thing all figured out, but boy I was wrong. God just keeps revealing His presence and power in my life and the lives around me. He keeps showing me that there is so much more than just being at worship and doing the church thing. God is so much more than that and works in so many more ways. I am just overwhelmed.

I have had a few attacks lately. I hate it when one gets to me and the last couple have gotten to me before I realized what they were and turned it over to Jesus. The main one has been about Mike. I see him growing and wanting to serve God and as soon as he found something that he wanted to do to serve and reach out to other men, it was taken from him. I am sure it was a miscommunication but the result was the same, Mike was hurt in the process. Thankfully, Mike is so much stronger in his faith now that he could stand up and call it what it was and move on. My fear was that it would make him withdraw and become bitter again. It did not and for that I am so pleased. I was talking to Clayton on Saturday about life in general and teasing about Mike being a slave driver now when it comes to church. He is always making me get up earlier than I want to get ready for services because he wants to be early and not miss a minute. Such a change from just 2 years ago, but in this conversation, Clayton hugged me and said, "Girl, you have been so blessed as has your family. Look at Mike and what a great man of God he has become!" I can't tell you how that touched me and how true that statement was. I am truly blessed and God is to be praised for all that has changed in our lives.

The other attack was on me and my desire to write. Writing was not my desire in the beginning and it still gives out too much of me for my own good. I listened to Nicole Nordeman talked about being an introvert and her thoughts and ideas processing out into music in the late hours of night (12-3 a.m.) and realized that is how I am. I guess I knew it, but it was refreshing to hear someone else say what I feel about writing and that alone quiet time with God. Anyhow, writing is a passion for me now and one way I try to use the thoughts and ideas that God sends my way is in the newsletter for church. This week, I thought that avenue of service and yes, self-expression, was going away. It truly upset me for a while. I really felt betrayed by the new leadership of the ladies ministry and felt very unappreciated. I never thought of it as an attack until I realized I was thinking about me and not about God. I was looking at it as this is being done to ME. This is MY newsletter. This is MY baby. Not so. It is God's and when I realized the pride and selfishness in my thinking, I quickly gave it back to Him. If the newsletter is not His will for me, then I will use what He gives me elsewhere. It is for Him and not for me. It is not about having my name in that paper.....which I was sort of accused of wanting today. It really has never been about me, but when I decided to take on this project, I gave it my all and it hurt to know that the ones in charge had not even given the first issue a thought. Neither one of them even knew about the first issue and it had been given out in May and announced for several weeks. But, that is water under the bridge.....

Things are better today. Mike and I are both trying to find our place in a church home that seems to have changed greatly in a very short time. Change is exciting, but change is also hard. Change can make some people happy and some others very angry. Change is happening and we are having to find our way through it all. We have ID cards, background checks on workers in children's ministry, new associate minister, new leaders in each ministry, new everything, it feels like. Change can be good, but it is very hard. I have never been one for change. I will have to really wrap my feelings in prayer during this time.

I am really trying to figure out this discernment gift I seem to have. I have prayed for greater discernment and what I am finding is that I have had it all along and I am now learning how to recognize it. Just knowing things is hard. It is difficult to explain the feelings that I have about people or things or events. I think I am open minded enough to not prejudge on just looks or first impressions, but sometimes the feelings are too strong to ignore.

There are several gifts that seem to be becoming more prominent than just my mercy and exhortation. I am looking at each of them as a way to serve God better and to be the person He desires me to be. It is just all the changes that get in the way..........