What a day! Hurricane Katrina has pounded the gulf coast and thousands of people are displaced. It has really weighed heavy on my heart today. One of the strangest things and probably the most disturbing has been that I dreamed of a disaster just about a week ago. I thought it was going to be an earthquake or tornado though. I really was never sure. I guess a hurricane didn't cross my mind because we don't normally fear them around here. It still did not affect myself or my family, but it did hit close enough to home that it feels like my "neighbors" have been hit. I wish I could explain the dream. It was like I knew that something was going to happen. I have had dreams before, but never really felt that they were going to come true. This is really different and scary for me. I knew in the dream that I would be fine and that my family would be also, but that we would be close enough to see the devastation. I thought it was going to happen closer to us. I am so thankful that it did not. I am not so sure how I feel about "knowing" things ahead of time. That always has seemed like a weird thing to me but as I look back over life, I have known several things before they happened.

One such time was the birth of Ashton. EVERYONE was certain she was going to be a boy. We did not have a sonogram or anything to tell us for sure, but I knew she was a girl. I just knew. Another time was when my grandmother had 3 massive heart attacks that led to her death. I knew when the phone rang that it was for me. I was at a retreat for our youth group and it was well before cell phones were around. There was one phone in the kitchen of the place and during our morning devo the phone began ringing. I knew the minute it rang. I think I knew before.

Lately most of the "knowing" happens in restlessness. I don't sleep. I never know for sure what is wrong, but I know something is not right in the lfe of someone I love. All I can do is pray when this happens. This happened most recently when a couple of friends were being held as victims of violent crime and again when a friend's mother was missing for 10 hours. No one called or notified me during these events, but after they were safe again. It was only then that I realized they happened on those restless nights of prayer. God is amazing. My mother has always said that I had a connection, a direct line, to God. I never believed it before and really felt that it was just my mother's pride in me that made her say that. I also never felt worthy of such a gift. I think I am now ready and willing to accept it and use it as God sees fit.

On a different note, I have a little boy in my classes that is 10 years old and looks about 6. He is very small and very immature for his age. He is different from the other 5th graders in many ways. But today made me see him in a new light. He is such a little pill at times. He is very immature and can really push some of those buttons. Fifth grade teachers just are not use to having kids that are like first graders. It has been an adjustment. This baby has struggled emotionally too. Today he broke down and cried to my teaching partner that his mother hated him and that if she found out that he had put the scratch on her $35, 000 car, she was shipping him back to foster care. How horrible!!! I can't believe any woman would say such a thing to any child! We were not sure if this was true or if he was just having a fit.....like he is prone to do, but after the counselor was involved, she called the parents and found out that in fact the mother had said such horrible things to the child. I can not stand it. I want to adopt him myself. He thinks he is a bad kid and unloved and unloveable. What kind of world do we live in that makes a child feel this way? She would trade him for her CAR! I am outraged. My heart breaks over this and tears are not far from my eyes.

Anyone who knows me knows I love my girls. Chelsea was sick today and it broke my heart not to just stay home with her and snuggle all day. I really couldn't. I was so unprepared to miss a day of school and luckily, Mike was able to take off and come home to be with her. He had had to work yesterday and that allowed him to take off today. I am so blessed. Mike is such a good daddy and is really a great husband. I listened to other women talk about not being in a hurry to get home from our weekend at Women of Faith because they weren't ready to face the kids and house and husband, but you know, I couldn't wait! I missed my family. I love being with them. Quiet time is good, but my family is really my life. God has so blessed me.

I haven't been to see my grandmother in a while. I am really feeling bad about that, but not really wanting to go see her. It is so hard at times to just be there with her. I know I don't have many years left to hear her complain and nag, but it still doesn't make it easy to go see her. Every time I go see her all I hear is how I never come see her and how I must have loved my papa more than her and now that he is gone, I don't have anything to do with her. That is so untrue, but it makes me not want to be around her. She was so ugly to Mike and I a while back that I had to decide that a strong boundary with her needed to be made. I am trying to still be loving and available but to be more concerned about my immediate family instead of always making sure she is okay. It is not easy. Since my mom was the only girl of 5 children, I have taken that other roll as caregiver. My uncles are just not available or even competent to deal with Granny. Plus, Granny pushes them away just as she does me. Mom is the angel among us. Another reason I have not been over there, besides being so busy I can hardly sit still for a minute, is that my uncle Bobby has found out he has prostate cancer and he has gone to California for treatment without telling my grandmother. Granny will poke and prod until she finds out what she doesn't know and I didn't want to be the one to tell her. Mom finally told her and now I can go over without spilling the latest family secret.

Mike is gone to men's Bible class and the big girls are on their way home from band practice. Chelsea and I are just hanging out and I think I am going to try to get to bed early tonight. My mind is so full, but I feel like I need sleep. I have several financial things tormenting me. I really want to get a better grip on my finances. I know I am doing better, but I am not where I need to be yet. I seem to always be broke. I want to honor God financially too, but it seems that I just stay in a pit of debt. Mike has put himself on call so he can get any overtime available. I know God will honor our desire to honor Him, but I just don't know how it is all going to work yet. I need to rest and tackle the problem again tomorrow.