Today is one of those days....the end of another school year. Saying goodbye to those little faces one more time and preparing my classroom for the summer is always bitter sweet. I won't say I ever cry over missing those babies, but it is somewhat sad. However, today I was glad to see a few of them go! (wink wink)
This year ends so many parts of what is "normal" for me. The end of a seven year partnership and of teaching social studies. I can truly say I loved them both. However I know change is good. As I packed up parts of my room, took down my world map, shredded personal papers of my students, and sent duplicate copies of papers to the recycle bin, it reminded me how final the end of this year was. I then walked in my partner's room to see blank walls and bare bulletin boards. Gone were all signs of the life that had been in that room. Gone were some the smiley faces that decorated the walls. Gone were all the familiar things that use to welcome me. It all felt so cold and unknown. It was like a great big exclamation point on the end of this year.
Tomorrow will be a new beginning. A new partner will move next door to begin setting up shop for the next school year. As I leave my room tomorrow for a quiet (yea right) summer of making wedding plans and catching up with house work, I know that the new year will bring a new beginning for me. As always, new faces of anxious little ones ready to learn....at least we want them to be ready to learn. This year will bring Chelsea, my baby girl, to my school as a 5th grader. It will bring a new set of partners....a team of 4 teachers this time. It will bring a new teaching assignment of reading only and with two classes of honor students and two of my regular/esl babies. It will mean i will have a senior in high school for a daughter and another daughter married. The fall will be full of change in my life. Change I am not usually good at. To embrace this time in my life and force myself to a place of confidence with everything I know turned upside down, is the hardest thing I may ever do.
Truth is I am sad. I am grieving the loss of my friendship with my partner. As much as this partnership needed to end. It needed to end for my sanity and for her to finally see that some things had to change. Even though there have been good days in our 7 years teaching together, I have had enough of the bad. I have carried so many burdens that have not been mine and cared for so many things that I don't really know how to just take care of me or just my class. I am sad. I have cried and could easily cry now as I think about the emptiness of the room next to me and the missing friend. But as I look forward instead of back, I see a time where I don't have to shield or guard one person from another. I see a time where I can laugh and joke around and not be criticized by my choice in friends and activities. I look forward to wanting to go to work and be around the people I work with instead of tip toeing around my own classroom to keep the peace. I see this new beginning as a new chance at living my life.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wedding Showers....
I love wedding showers! They are so much fun and festive! I really like them when they are for someone close to me....like my daughter. This has been a wonderful weekend filled with family and friends and love. I am amazed at how much God has blessed my child with things to start her future as a wife. So many lovely gifts and so much love put in to the planning for this event showed the bonds of friendship and God's love to she and I. Not only did so many give of their money for Ashton, but also much of their time. It was truly special.
The brunch started at 10 a.m. on Saturday and went until 12:00. To the best of my ability I believe the count of people there was about 55....counting the bride to be! I was amazed! On a Saturday morning when so many people have such busy lives, they carved out these 2 hours to honor my baby girl. She was so touched and so was I. The outpouring of love just really means so much to me. My mom and I visited for hours after the party and it made the day just special all the way around.
Ashton spent the afternoon unpacking bags and boxes in her and Todd's new house. I remember doing that and going through all the wonderful new prizes given to us. She set up some of the gifts and put the new tablecloth given to them on their dinning table. The evening was spent on thank you notes. She is not near finished. We read all the cards again and just thought of how blessed we have been in this family of God's people.
It is starting to really feel real to me. Mother-of-the-bride is becoming a reality. I sat beside her and just couldn't believe this was all happening. I ordered my dress for the wedding yesterday too. I think I am going to be able to do this!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Walking away....
I am thankful for tomorrows. Today has been a day. I need to process it a little more, thus the reason I am up at almost midnight still wide awake. Today has been such a day!
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ramblings of an overstressed mind....
Yep, that's me.....my brain is really on overload. If you opened this to read some inspirational writing, that is not this one. My brain is truly on overload. I have been laying awake at night with lists and things running races through my head. Even when I do sleep, my dreams are consumed with worries and things that need to be accomplished. It has been that way for days....and nights...for this last several weeks.
With school coming to an end and Ashton's wedding looming on the horizon, I know my days are numbered with activities. I have invitations to mail....if the envelopes ever make it back to us! I have programs to design and print....oh yea, I still have to buy the paper and sticks to turn them in to fans. Then there are the napkins. That has been a joke for months, but I need to find and order napkins. Also, what about the favors for all the people who come to the reception. I still need to work on those. I have many many things left to buy. Flower girl basket, ring bearer's pillow, bubbles and M&M's, roses to decorate the basket, jewelry for Ashton to wear, oh yea, MY DRESS, and then the napkins. I'm sure there is more I am forgetting at this point. We have bridal pics coming up and a new suit to buy for Mike. I know there is more.......I'm sure it will haunt my dreams!
Did I mention that Tara has college classes to sign up for and I need to pay for this summer? And Chelsea will be going away for 2 weeks in summer for her first camp experience? Where is this money coming from???? I don't know, but God will provide. He always does.
Then there is school. Wrapping up each school year is stressful enough, but this year is bringing change with it. I am leaving the partner/team I have known for the unknown. If you know me you know I hate change. I know this is the right call for me and my sanity but the last several days I have been feeling guilty for the wheels I feel I put in motion. Our whole school is changing now. Our teams are all being shifted and rearranged. I may not even be teaching reading....or social studies....or 5th grade! Who knows. To say that stress is high is an understatement. Every day is another chance for things to unwind. Today was kickball tournament, yesterday was the water park. Tomorrow will be the last normal day before the end. My lists of "to do" are growing and every minute needs to be used wisely. I don't know if I need to pack my room or just settle things for the summer.
Keyed up emotions and personalities are clashing and my partner is sure I am to blame. In so many ways I am. However, each day I am reminded why I had to make such a hard choice and move or change. The deal is, I think she is the one being moved and not me. I was willing to be the one to change, but it seems that it will be her.
Then, there is the air conditioner. Yes, my a/c decided to die at our house. Yes we have a new one now, but the money going out seems to be more than coming in. Tonight...our oven died. We were already going to have to replace our roof this summer and now we have these other issues to deal with. At times I just have to laugh. It is evident that my faith has grown because before I would have felt hopeless, but now I just wait to see how God is going to provide.
I have several friends suffering right now. I have those facing loss of loved ones and now a precious friend facing the unknown of possible cancer. I choose not to believe the worst. I choose to believe in God's healing power and I am trusting Him to be with her.
Life is such an adventure and I am slowly learning again to embrace each day and to focus on what I can do in one day. I can't look back or too far ahead, both of those overwhelm me. I can only face today. I just wish my brain would understand that and let me sleep.
With school coming to an end and Ashton's wedding looming on the horizon, I know my days are numbered with activities. I have invitations to mail....if the envelopes ever make it back to us! I have programs to design and print....oh yea, I still have to buy the paper and sticks to turn them in to fans. Then there are the napkins. That has been a joke for months, but I need to find and order napkins. Also, what about the favors for all the people who come to the reception. I still need to work on those. I have many many things left to buy. Flower girl basket, ring bearer's pillow, bubbles and M&M's, roses to decorate the basket, jewelry for Ashton to wear, oh yea, MY DRESS, and then the napkins. I'm sure there is more I am forgetting at this point. We have bridal pics coming up and a new suit to buy for Mike. I know there is more.......I'm sure it will haunt my dreams!
Did I mention that Tara has college classes to sign up for and I need to pay for this summer? And Chelsea will be going away for 2 weeks in summer for her first camp experience? Where is this money coming from???? I don't know, but God will provide. He always does.
Then there is school. Wrapping up each school year is stressful enough, but this year is bringing change with it. I am leaving the partner/team I have known for the unknown. If you know me you know I hate change. I know this is the right call for me and my sanity but the last several days I have been feeling guilty for the wheels I feel I put in motion. Our whole school is changing now. Our teams are all being shifted and rearranged. I may not even be teaching reading....or social studies....or 5th grade! Who knows. To say that stress is high is an understatement. Every day is another chance for things to unwind. Today was kickball tournament, yesterday was the water park. Tomorrow will be the last normal day before the end. My lists of "to do" are growing and every minute needs to be used wisely. I don't know if I need to pack my room or just settle things for the summer.
Keyed up emotions and personalities are clashing and my partner is sure I am to blame. In so many ways I am. However, each day I am reminded why I had to make such a hard choice and move or change. The deal is, I think she is the one being moved and not me. I was willing to be the one to change, but it seems that it will be her.
Then, there is the air conditioner. Yes, my a/c decided to die at our house. Yes we have a new one now, but the money going out seems to be more than coming in. Tonight...our oven died. We were already going to have to replace our roof this summer and now we have these other issues to deal with. At times I just have to laugh. It is evident that my faith has grown because before I would have felt hopeless, but now I just wait to see how God is going to provide.
I have several friends suffering right now. I have those facing loss of loved ones and now a precious friend facing the unknown of possible cancer. I choose not to believe the worst. I choose to believe in God's healing power and I am trusting Him to be with her.
Life is such an adventure and I am slowly learning again to embrace each day and to focus on what I can do in one day. I can't look back or too far ahead, both of those overwhelm me. I can only face today. I just wish my brain would understand that and let me sleep.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Highest Calling
***I wrote this a while back, but thought it was appropriate for today. Enjoy!
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Being a mom is not what I expected. I guess it never is but now I truly see what a mission it is suppose to be. Motherhood starts the minute you know you are expecting. Whether 9 weeks along or 9 months, the “mommy” mode kicks in. In this mode, a lot of fear and doubt surface. “ Will I be good at this? What if I really stink at being a mom? Will my child love me?” All the “what ifs” surface, but the first time you hold that precious gift you know that God has given you the highest calling. You have been entrusted with the life and soul of one of His beloved children. Matt 18:10 tell us that each child’s angel sees the face of God and reports on their well being to Him.
The choices I have made as a mom have not always been the right ones. They may have been good things but not right for my family. I remember selling Tupperware as a “home consultant” and the excitement I felt about working from home and being with my girls. It was good for a while, but soon I realized I was spending too many hours working and hosting parties at night and on the weekends. My 10 to 20 hour a week job had turned into a 40-60 hour per week job. I had quickly moved to a management position and was being encouraged to do more. It was fun and I felt great about what I was doing, but I was missing out on precious time with my girls. I had begun to be short with them and I didn’t have time for the Saturday morning snuggles or the bedtime kisses because I was working. Something had to change!
Giving up jobs is not the only thing that changed. My mindset had to change. What comes first family or job? I chose family. Not everyone understands this choice I have made. It is hard in this society to say “NO” to great opportunities and put your children first. It is the same in serving God. There are many great mission fields and services that I can be a part of to serve my God, but I have to be sure I am fulfilling my first calling before jumping into another. I have been blessed with three precious girls who God wants to see serve and praise Him. My job and calling to teach them first and see that they know and love our Father. It is a job above all other jobs. (Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”)
I have found that being a mother has effected many choices besides my job. It directs the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the places we go, and the friends we hang out with. Children see and hear and absorb more from how we live than what we tell them. They become mirror images of their parents or their environment. It only takes hearing a tone of voice or common phrase come from your child’s mouth to convict your heart to change or make different choices. I remember one of our girls saying she didn’t want to go to church anymore because her daddy didn’t go. That prompted change in his life. He didn’t want to be the reason his baby didn’t find out how much her Father in heaven loved her. (Luke 17:2-3 “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.”)
Mike and I also had to make some changes in which we ran around with. Some of our best friends from school did not share the same insight and concern for what our children were exposed to and we found it less easy to take the girls with us to their house or to spend time with them. It was a hard adjustment for us, but we had to put our girls and our family first. God has been faithful in leading us to good friends who honor Him with their lives and also help reflect His glory to our girls.
Children also know if they are important in your life. They know what is valued most in their parents’ lives. They know by how we show them. It is a tough job, to say the least. I can not always be my girls’ best friend. I have to be their parent first, and that is not always easy. The costs are great, emotionally as well as financially. It changes you forever. There are more opportunities for saying “no” than for saying “yes.” There are many opportunities to listen and to be silly. One of the best bits of advice I ever received was from a friend at church. She said, “Listen to them always, even when you really aren’t in the mood. If they know you are interested in the small things, they will be more willing to talk to you about the important things.” (Thanks Kim for that advice)
Some people may say, “But what about you? What about your life? Your dreams? Your purpose?” All I can say is that for now, a very short time, I have been called to be a mommy and when the time comes and my children have found their own calling, God will give me a new purpose. No higher calling can there be than to see that your children love the Lord with all their hearts and will spend eternity with you in heaven! (Deut. 6:5 “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”)
I will leave you with a couple of “prose” that God put on my heart. May God bless you through these words.
Ode to Parenthood
Late nights and early mornings
Cost you every dime
Slumber parties, boyfriends
Tryouts that fail
School projects, recitals
All types of games
Knowing every moment
Where they are and
Who they are with!
Sixteen before you date
Be back by 10 and
Don’t be late!
Driving off alone for the first time
Not being able to reach them by phone
Graduating kindergarten
Graduating high school
Leaving for college
Class favorite, most beautiful
Student councils, officer elections
Band camp, tryouts
Making captain
Making mascot
Learning to lead
And to stand alone
First summer of camp
Packing up and leaving
Climbing a mountain
Finding Christ
Being baptized
Showing others the way.
Field trips, field days
Victories and defeats
Sharing in their celebrations
Comforting their tears
Children are a gift
God’s perfect angels
Sent from above
To teach us of His love
And His patience
For us, His children.
The Highest Calling
Lord, I plead,
What is my purpose?
Do you have a plan for my life?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
But Lord, isn’t there some great mission
You want me to complete?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
I know that, Lord,
But isn’t there some place special
You want me to go.
Everywhere you go, my child,
Live for Me!
Aren’t there certain people
You have purposed for me
To teach?
Yes, my child
Each one of these
I have given you to love.
Teach them about Me and
My love for them
By living each day for Me!
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Being a mom is not what I expected. I guess it never is but now I truly see what a mission it is suppose to be. Motherhood starts the minute you know you are expecting. Whether 9 weeks along or 9 months, the “mommy” mode kicks in. In this mode, a lot of fear and doubt surface. “ Will I be good at this? What if I really stink at being a mom? Will my child love me?” All the “what ifs” surface, but the first time you hold that precious gift you know that God has given you the highest calling. You have been entrusted with the life and soul of one of His beloved children. Matt 18:10 tell us that each child’s angel sees the face of God and reports on their well being to Him.
The choices I have made as a mom have not always been the right ones. They may have been good things but not right for my family. I remember selling Tupperware as a “home consultant” and the excitement I felt about working from home and being with my girls. It was good for a while, but soon I realized I was spending too many hours working and hosting parties at night and on the weekends. My 10 to 20 hour a week job had turned into a 40-60 hour per week job. I had quickly moved to a management position and was being encouraged to do more. It was fun and I felt great about what I was doing, but I was missing out on precious time with my girls. I had begun to be short with them and I didn’t have time for the Saturday morning snuggles or the bedtime kisses because I was working. Something had to change!
Giving up jobs is not the only thing that changed. My mindset had to change. What comes first family or job? I chose family. Not everyone understands this choice I have made. It is hard in this society to say “NO” to great opportunities and put your children first. It is the same in serving God. There are many great mission fields and services that I can be a part of to serve my God, but I have to be sure I am fulfilling my first calling before jumping into another. I have been blessed with three precious girls who God wants to see serve and praise Him. My job and calling to teach them first and see that they know and love our Father. It is a job above all other jobs. (Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”)
I have found that being a mother has effected many choices besides my job. It directs the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the places we go, and the friends we hang out with. Children see and hear and absorb more from how we live than what we tell them. They become mirror images of their parents or their environment. It only takes hearing a tone of voice or common phrase come from your child’s mouth to convict your heart to change or make different choices. I remember one of our girls saying she didn’t want to go to church anymore because her daddy didn’t go. That prompted change in his life. He didn’t want to be the reason his baby didn’t find out how much her Father in heaven loved her. (Luke 17:2-3 “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.”)
Mike and I also had to make some changes in which we ran around with. Some of our best friends from school did not share the same insight and concern for what our children were exposed to and we found it less easy to take the girls with us to their house or to spend time with them. It was a hard adjustment for us, but we had to put our girls and our family first. God has been faithful in leading us to good friends who honor Him with their lives and also help reflect His glory to our girls.
Children also know if they are important in your life. They know what is valued most in their parents’ lives. They know by how we show them. It is a tough job, to say the least. I can not always be my girls’ best friend. I have to be their parent first, and that is not always easy. The costs are great, emotionally as well as financially. It changes you forever. There are more opportunities for saying “no” than for saying “yes.” There are many opportunities to listen and to be silly. One of the best bits of advice I ever received was from a friend at church. She said, “Listen to them always, even when you really aren’t in the mood. If they know you are interested in the small things, they will be more willing to talk to you about the important things.” (Thanks Kim for that advice)
Some people may say, “But what about you? What about your life? Your dreams? Your purpose?” All I can say is that for now, a very short time, I have been called to be a mommy and when the time comes and my children have found their own calling, God will give me a new purpose. No higher calling can there be than to see that your children love the Lord with all their hearts and will spend eternity with you in heaven! (Deut. 6:5 “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”)
I will leave you with a couple of “prose” that God put on my heart. May God bless you through these words.
Ode to Parenthood
Late nights and early mornings
Cost you every dime
Slumber parties, boyfriends
Tryouts that fail
School projects, recitals
All types of games
Knowing every moment
Where they are and
Who they are with!
Sixteen before you date
Be back by 10 and
Don’t be late!
Driving off alone for the first time
Not being able to reach them by phone
Graduating kindergarten
Graduating high school
Leaving for college
Class favorite, most beautiful
Student councils, officer elections
Band camp, tryouts
Making captain
Making mascot
Learning to lead
And to stand alone
First summer of camp
Packing up and leaving
Climbing a mountain
Finding Christ
Being baptized
Showing others the way.
Field trips, field days
Victories and defeats
Sharing in their celebrations
Comforting their tears
Children are a gift
God’s perfect angels
Sent from above
To teach us of His love
And His patience
For us, His children.
The Highest Calling
Lord, I plead,
What is my purpose?
Do you have a plan for my life?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
But Lord, isn’t there some great mission
You want me to complete?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
I know that, Lord,
But isn’t there some place special
You want me to go.
Everywhere you go, my child,
Live for Me!
Aren’t there certain people
You have purposed for me
To teach?
Yes, my child
Each one of these
I have given you to love.
Teach them about Me and
My love for them
By living each day for Me!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Hermit Crabs.....
I attended a life changing seminar several years ago and during this seminar our group received a name. This name was to describe our "personality" as a group. We were the "Nothings". Not a very pleasant name. My best friend got so mad I thought she was going to go after one of the directors. I didn't get it at the time, but I look back and see it did fit me at the time. However, I think I deserved a different name. I can really relate to the Hermit Crabs....dragging my baggage around with me me, hiding in my shell protecting the soft insides of me from being hurt, being unsociable, snapping when people or things get to close to me. Yep, I'm a hermit crab!
The blessing in this life is that God puts people in your path that force you to be more than you want to be. Luckily I am blessed with a social husband and several social friends. There are days Mike is a different kind of crab, but still he is more sociable than me. Tonight was one of those nights. I just came home worn out from work. Work has been stressful and I really wanted to do nothing but nap. It was raining and though I knew we had outdoor plans for the night, I secretly smiled at the possibility of a cancellation. YES....I was going to get to rest! Soccer practice was cancelled and I just knew our cookout would be postponed. NOT! The rain went away and the plans went forward.....there went my nap.
Mike left early and left Chels with strict instructions to make sure I was up by 6 and getting ready to meet them in town. I grumbled at him as he left and grunted that I would be there. I truly hoped I would fall asleep and Chels would get busy watching tv and we would accidentally miss the night's events. No such luck. Phone call after phone call, kept me awake. It just seemed that everything was working against my nap and night in my shell.
Out the door and off to the cookout. Not really excited, but I knew my presence was expected and that I would feel better once I got there. It was really wonderful. Many many people, smiling and chatting, eating and serving. I saw many friends old and new. It was really encouraging to my soul. I hugged necks, shook hands, laughed and even was prompted to write....thanks Kerrie! One hundred and twenty hamburgers and 80 hotdogs later, plus countless snowcones, the night was coming to an end. An ice fight and giggling men and children filled the air as I pulled out of the drive to head home. No, I didn't get my nap and yes, I am still very tired, but I wouldn't have missed the night.
One of these days I am going to shed this desire to crawl in my shell and curl up. I don't know when it will be, but thankfully God has put those people in my life that know that my pinchers are more for show than anything else and they drag my soft body, and spirit, out of my shell and in to life. It has not been the easiest thing for me, being exposed and not hiding, but I am learning daily to be brave.
The blessing in this life is that God puts people in your path that force you to be more than you want to be. Luckily I am blessed with a social husband and several social friends. There are days Mike is a different kind of crab, but still he is more sociable than me. Tonight was one of those nights. I just came home worn out from work. Work has been stressful and I really wanted to do nothing but nap. It was raining and though I knew we had outdoor plans for the night, I secretly smiled at the possibility of a cancellation. YES....I was going to get to rest! Soccer practice was cancelled and I just knew our cookout would be postponed. NOT! The rain went away and the plans went forward.....there went my nap.
Mike left early and left Chels with strict instructions to make sure I was up by 6 and getting ready to meet them in town. I grumbled at him as he left and grunted that I would be there. I truly hoped I would fall asleep and Chels would get busy watching tv and we would accidentally miss the night's events. No such luck. Phone call after phone call, kept me awake. It just seemed that everything was working against my nap and night in my shell.
Out the door and off to the cookout. Not really excited, but I knew my presence was expected and that I would feel better once I got there. It was really wonderful. Many many people, smiling and chatting, eating and serving. I saw many friends old and new. It was really encouraging to my soul. I hugged necks, shook hands, laughed and even was prompted to write....thanks Kerrie! One hundred and twenty hamburgers and 80 hotdogs later, plus countless snowcones, the night was coming to an end. An ice fight and giggling men and children filled the air as I pulled out of the drive to head home. No, I didn't get my nap and yes, I am still very tired, but I wouldn't have missed the night.
One of these days I am going to shed this desire to crawl in my shell and curl up. I don't know when it will be, but thankfully God has put those people in my life that know that my pinchers are more for show than anything else and they drag my soft body, and spirit, out of my shell and in to life. It has not been the easiest thing for me, being exposed and not hiding, but I am learning daily to be brave.
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