I am thankful for tomorrows. Today has been a day. I need to process it a little more, thus the reason I am up at almost midnight still wide awake. Today has been such a day!
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
3 comments:
Dear Denise, I love you so much. I know exactly what you are going through because I am the same way. I take and take because I don't want to make waves, but remember way back in part 3 where they talk about boundaries? You do have the right and duty to do what is best for you and your family. Whether this person is moved out one step on your circle or all the way out is really up to her and in my opinion would be her loss. You hang in there and keep being the wonderful person that you are. God knows your heart and that is what truly matters. I will be praying for peace through the remainder of the year. Hope to see you soon.
love you, Connie
Denise,
I'm praying for you now. I believe you have to go with your instincts and not tell yourself that you are imagining things. Those are lies! Your instincts and judgements are valid and I'm proud of you for taking a stand for the sake of you and your family. I hate conflict too and will go to great lengths to avoid but sometimes you just gotta have it. Love ya,
Kerrie
Thanks Girls for the prayers! Tomorrow will be the test. I'm sure it will be rocky at times. I am asking that you do continue to pray for me throughout this week. Summer often heals many hurts in the education world. I am just praying the end of this week comes quickly. I know I did the right thing and I know it will be difficult for me to talk to her if the opportunity presents itself. I really don't want any "scenes" in front of the students and she has been known to do that from time to time. Please do just keep me in your prayers this week. Love you both! d
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