I really don't feel like writing today, but I don't think I can enjoy my day until I get a few things off my chest. We had planned a family get-away for the Labor Day weekend. Nothing fancy, just escaping to Mike's dad's house to swim and be away from home and the ordinary for a while. After making plans, my mother plans a dinner for my grandmother's birthday for Sunday while we are gone. But really, it was for all of us to get to see my brother Todd since he would have his first pass from the rehab center for this weekend. Mother insisted that it would be a bad thing if WE didn't show up to show our support of him. So, I made plans to drive an hour drive home just to have birthday dinner for GrandMary and to see my brother. Mike did not want us to go. He didn't go. He stayed in Lucas because he was on call and had just gotten back in from a job. He also didn't want to go play this sick game we play with my family of acting like everything is okay. So, the girls and I went.

I called Mom's phone, Dad's phone, the house phone over and over trying to touch base about what time dinner would be and to let them know we were on our way (I didn't think I had a choice, Mom made it sound as if I HAD to be there). Once we got to Kaufman, we stopped by the store to get Granny a card and we tried calling them AGAIN. This time Dad answered and Ash told him we would be there in a minute. He said, "OH, we didn't know you all were coming. We just sat down to eat!" That started it. They didn't KNOW. They had INSISTED on us being there and now they are going to sit down to eat without ever checking on us. This is a long standing issue with them. They will wait for hours for one of my uncles or my brothers to get there, but NEVER wait on us. It was only 12:30 p.m. and we were almost there! Anyhow, Ash told them that YES we were coming and would be there in 10 minutes.

I could feel my blood begin to boil. I tried continuously to forgive and to let it go and to get over it before I pulled in the drive, but it was still very much a part of me. I could hear Mike's voice in my head saying, "See they never change!" But, I tried to put on a happy face and continue. Mom and Dad met us outside with these fake smiles on their faces like they were so glad we made it. My face did not match theirs and Mom knew immediately that I was angry. I still proceeded to be controlled and make the best of it. When we entered the house, Granny was eating her full plate of food and Dad's plate was half finished. Mom had waited for us. However, my brother was no where to be seen. We fixed our plates and Dad blessed the food again. Then we ate. It was so tense in the room, you could feel it, but I still didn't know just what "it" was. The girls asked me in whispered voices "Where's Todd?" I didn't know. No one had told me anything different. I expected him to be there. It was 30 minutes later or so, after I had calmed down a bit, that I found out the truth of the situation. When Todd found out that I was coming for lunch, he through a fit. Stomped all around the house saying, "She stole my beer! She poured it out! I don't want to see her!" and on and on and on. (This was all from the day we made him leave my grandmother's house because he was totally wasted and out of his mind.) Mom had yelled at him and told him to go to his room and not come out if he couldn't be civil.

Later, after a little excitement with a wild horse outside, Dad decided to march Todd out in front of all of us and take him over to GrandMary's to watch the baseball game. He didn't even look at me. He spoke to Tara and Chelsea, but said nothing to Ash or I. Then he got what he wanted. He didn't have to be around me because Dad took him to watch the baseball game on Granny's cable TV. WhooHoo! Reward Todd for being a total *#@! (I wrote the word, but couldn't leave it there in print. It doesn't change what I think of how he is acting!) Once again, he won. He got his way. Mom and Dad bowed to his every whim and he was in control of the whole situation. Master Manipulator! I can't stand him.

All I can say is that I am done. Finished. God is really going to have to heal this family. I have been praying and crying and wanting this thing fixed but it hasn't happened yet. I know to wait for God's time, but that doesn't mean I am ever going to put myself or my girls through this again. I am setting a boundary. It may not be right but it for protection right now. I will not change my plans ever again to accommodate Todd or his "visits". My girls and I did not deserve the treatment that he dished out. Ash felt it, I felt it and I believe Tara and Chelsea did too. I'm done. Like the apostle Paul when he shook the dirt from his feet after being "booed" out of a city. He moved on. I am too. I don't think anyone can understand what I feel inside. The total loss of mercy..... That's hard to say. I want to have mercy on him and somewhere deep inside I still do have a little, but the evil that controls him turns my mercy off and makes the bit of prophecy I have want to kick in. Totally free of emotion or restraint, I want to speak to that evil that has him and has changed him.

My family bends over backwards for Todd. Every one of them! What about me? What about my family? What about our needs of a father and mother and grandparents? What about us? I fear that this may still break apart all pieces of what is left of "normal" in our home. I don't want anything to do with any of them right now. I would pack everything and move where no one can ask me about my brother and how he is doing. Where no one could compare me to my mother or ask me "how are your parents holding up?" I just want it all done. Finished and over. This time of "rehab" has not done anything for Todd yet and I don't know that it will. God has allowed people to keep their hardened hearts and He also chooses whom He will have mercy on and who He will not. How do I go on? How do I deal with this? Forgiveness? Yes, but it may take quite some time. Right now, I don't want to even think about it. Sweep in under the rug. Put it away, pretend it doesn't matter and it will vanish. I wish.