Season of Change

I love FALL! I truly do! The cooler temperatures, the colors of the season, and of course my birthday! Today as I was driving out to my mom's house, I passed a grove of trees that reminds me each year of the beauty of fall as they change from green, to golden and red. Nature really speaks to me and the cycle of life we see in them reminds me of changes in life that we too must go through. Each year we watch them go through transformation over and over. They never stay the same, they grow, bloom, display a healthy life of green, cast off old, have a time of rest, and then start growing and blooming all over again. The seasons in a tree's life are so easily seen and each year of this growing process creates a stronger tree marked by their many rings, which help them withstand the storms that are sure to come and blow through their lives. Oh the lessons we can learn from this grove of trees!


Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 tells us the same thing about our lives....There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and time for peace.

I feel like I too am in this season of change. There have been so many changes around me that it has been hard to keep up. As most know about me, I am not fond of change. Change is hard on me even though I know that like the trees, there will be a new season coming. This season has seemed the season of losing leaves in my life. I have felt a lot of loss over the past months.

It started with the loss of my health. Not ever having had really any physical issues, this past year has been filled with physical illnesses. Facing my first surgery and since adjusting to the new normal "balance" of my life, has not been easy. Emotionally and physically it has taken a toll on my body. To say I have not bounced back quickly is an understatement. I am going through a lot of the motions, but not feeling back to being myself. With this going on, I have also learned a lot about friendship and the value of true friends that stand by you even when you feel like you are losing your mind. Those friends are the ones who have encouraged and listened and just let me cry when I needed to. I have been doing that a lot! They have been those people who didn't decide this was too hard a friendship to manage and stood by me when I have been "less than lovable." I have been cynical and hard or just too emotional at times for many people, myself included, and I have been blessed by those who have walked this road with me and not given up on me.

Another change I have been through was the moving of my second daughter to college. I still have not grieved this loss fully. I had been so excited for her and this new opportunity to expand her life and her circle of friends, that I did not allow myself to think about what her leaving me would mean. My house is quiet. Too quiet. I miss her smiling face and her silliness that would brighten my days! My home has dwindled from full to overflowing down to just one baby left and a very quiet place. Tara and I had grown very close in the years after Ashton moved out and then married. Tara has been someone who "got" me. We could be more than just mother and daughter. We have been good friends and I have missed that daily interaction more than I have admitted. (I am crying now since this is the first time I have admitted some of this and allowed myself to think about it.)

Other friendships have changed and some have even died over this current season of my life. Unfortunately life leads us all in different directions and we each must find our way with God on our own most of the time. Friendships help us along the way but it seems that when those become more of our focus than our relationship with God, that's when problems arise. I am learning again, that this life is about relationships, but my relationship with God comes before all other relationships. If my focus is not on Him then there will surely be times that I will not evaluate other relationships correctly. I fear I have put too much in to earthly friendships and failed to work on my relationship with my Father. This part of me is being pruned and trimmed daily and it hurts more than words can describe here. This part of change has left scares that will not be easily healed.

Work has offered up its own set of changes and challenges. Just having to begin a new school year allows for change but then to add in changes in gradebook and curriculum as well as scheduling almost makes it too much. After 5 weeks, I still do not feel I have settled in to a routine or have a good grasp on things. The feeling of unrest and irritation among co-workers and friends also adds to the stress. And now, we add in the illnesses that have attacked our school and left us with extra work in keeping all the kids caught up with their missing work! Not to mention now my own child is out sick!

For many years now we have been in a season of unrest and change at church. Though I feel we are coming out of that, I also still feel the affects of all the changes on my life. We made a stand several years ago that this is our home and our church family that we would support and work to rebuild. But right now, I feel just tired. Tired and worn from different battles that have been fought. Some were won, some lost. As we face a new beginning with our youth ministry and our home team, I am seeking some rest and restoration for my soul. I will say I have felt a great loss in the past several months and it is hard for me to even want to get back in the fight. I want to help rebuild. I want to be excited and positive, but truthfully, there is a lot of hurt that still needs to be mended in my heart. Please don't hear that I am upset with our church family, I am not. I am just battle weary and in need of rest and truthfully need encouragement as well.

This season has become a time for me to die to myself, uproot from my comfortable routines, a time to heal from hurts, a time to build new relationships or rebuild old ones, it has been a time of weeping and mourning, and a time of gathering stones that have been thrown my way. It is a time of searching for truth and who I am meant to be as well as refraining from doing too much, a time to throw away old habits and mend those broken places in my heart. It is my time to be silent and to love those who want my love and friendship. It is time for me to find some peace again.

The hope I find in this is that even as the tree dies to itself, changes it colors, drops all its leaves and becomes bare and exposed to the world, it also takes a time of rest and then in the spring, comes to life again.