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I usually title my writing before I start, but today I just didn't know where this might go....so the title will come when I finish. I started thinking about feeling on the outside looking in...as I often feel I am doing, then my mind went to being in the middle of a situation that I just don't know how to fix. Polar opposite feelings. Such a strange place to be and such mixed feelings.

Have you ever felt like you were on the outside of the "group"? I sat in a meeting today and watched all the social groups gather together. Everyone navigated to their comfort zones and grabbed chairs for their best buddies to sit with them. Some groups are impenetrable. Their tight knit circle will not allow any others in. Others are a bit more flexible, but still, very defined. Then there was mine. I sat alone for a while and then slowly those who did not have a defined group joined me. Yet, in our own way we were a "group" too. Still, by the end, I felt outside that little circle as well.

Why is it that all my life I have felt left out? I don't understand why I always feel so unimportant and so insignificant. I sat with 3 friends and as I listened to their conversations, I realized I had no clue what was going on in their lives. I have not been part of these events and found myself unable to join in the discussion. Why is that? Am I too self absorbed to get involved or am I left out because I am not thought of??? Is it me....or is it them? These are the questions I find myself coming back to over and over. So, being true to form, I excused myself from the group as soon as appropriate and went on my way working on what I needed to finish. I walked by the table one more time a few minutes later to find them still engaged in meaningful conversation and felt like my presence was not even missed.

I chalked it up to just me feeling left out and moved on....but then later again today the groups developed again as we gathered for lunch. It was very obvious who was included with which group. Just felt like high school all over again. Me? I sat with my closest friend who always accepts me just for me. So even on the outside of the groups, I had my own little circle.

That leads me to the other feeling of the day. As outside the ring as I feel at times, I have my own circle I do fit in. I have been blessed with this in the last few years. My coffee girls accept me just as I am too. No more no less...just me. Being in this circle brings so much good to my life. I wish we could work or worship together more and have those connections throughout the week. Great responsibility has come from those relationships too. Knowing what is going on in someone else's most personal parts of life makes you become a bit responsible for them. You hurt when they hurt. You rejoice when they rejoice and you suffer when they suffer. Heart strings that become so strong that you feel them from miles away are connected and become part of who you are. I find myself wanting to help fix their problems when I know I can't. I want to intervene when I see things hurting them but still know I can not change things for them. It is hard being that close and not being able to make things better for those you care so much about.

Relationships and navigating the world doesn't stop at the end of high school. I know so often we pretend they do. We even tell graduates that life will be different when they don't have to be around the same people every day, but that's not exactly true. We still have to be able to pick and choose our friends. We still have to decide which social group we will "run" with. We still get left out by those we want to "fit in" with. There are still drama queens, attention hogs, power trippers, super athletes, nerds/geeks, and the socially unacceptable every where we go. The challenge is to find a way to be friends with all of them and accept them where they are without judgements.

I now find myself in the "older wiser" group. I'm not sure if I like that feeling of not being the "young fun" group anymore. I don't even think it is cool to "hang out" with me any more! LOL! I choose to hang out with others who have similar morals as myself. I like good clean fun and find myself busy with my older children and not the baby/toddler group of moms. I've learned that some things are just not that important, like power or fame or being in the center of everything. I watch as others make choices that will effect the rest of their lives. I don't enjoy hanging out with people who feel better about themselves by talking about others. That is so Jr. High to me. I guess I have joined the old fuddy-duddy group! :)

I wish there was a way to function in this world without the segregated groups. Wouldn't it be nice if we could all just get along and accept each other? From political groups, to class groups, social club groups, and religious groups we find different "clicks" within each of the larger divisions. Someone is always going to be left out. Someone will always have their feelings hurt. Today, it was me....and I am old enough to not get caught up in these kind of things, but sometimes it still hurts.