This week has been hard...and it is only Tuesday! Sunday my baby girl headed back to school after a week at home for spring break. I'm always sad when she leaves, but this time I realized it was our last spring break together. Next year she will be married..... I am not ready to be without my baby girl. This empty nest thing is not easy. I love being a momma. I love my girls. I miss the crazy of 3 girls playing and fighting and singing and just hanging out together. It is so different now.
On Sunday we also found out a friend was critically injured in a motorcycle accident. Such a good man and a man of God! Why do these things happen to such good people? How is his family going to survive this? What if the unthinkable happens? Unfortunately things have not been looking good for him. I know our God is a god of miracles and can do more than I can possibly imagine, but what if God's answer to our prayers is that it is his time to go home to the Lord? Just breaks my heart.
Then, one of the smallest but still emotional things for me this week has been going back to work. Yes, I am blessed to have a job so those of you who want to get negative about teachers having a week off for spring break...just stop now. The thing that makes going back this week even harder is that I have some hurt that I am not over. Rejection is hard. Feeling like you are unwanted or not good enough really does a number on your confidence. It has taken me a long time to feel like I had earned some respect as an educator. I don't have my Masters degree, but I have 22 years of classroom experience. I know I am not the smartest, the most creative, or even the best teacher, but I do know I am a good teacher. I do my job at more than 100%. I love my kids like they are my own. I try to be helpful and professional and positive even when everyone around me is doing the opposite. I try not to gossip and never want anyone to feel less than someone else. I think I am a good person, but I guess I keep to myself too much. I'm not fun or talkative enough. I don't "play the social game!" I don't do politics! I hear it in everyone's voices when they say "I can't believe you didn't get PICKED to stay!" My brain translates that to..."You must not be as good as them because they didn't pick you!"
I know that is all pitiful and I don't write it for anyone to feel sorry for me. I definitely do not need someone to rationalize all of it for me. All that does when someone tries to do that is make me feel even smaller. Remember this blog is about me figuring out things and working out my struggles and hurts. It really is not for any other reason than to get these thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD! Sometimes I think if I had a real sister, like my girls have with each other, that I would have someone I could say these things to and they would hear me without trying to just smooth things over or pacify my feelings. You know, my struggles are not anything like what other people have. I've got the "easy" life. LOL! Yeah right! But that's what people think. If they only knew my real life and struggles. Truth is...no one really knows my hurts...no one. Why? Because most of the time they are needing me to help them and never stop to see if I am okay. I just smile, help them however I can, and then they move on and I'm left alone...again.
Why am I like this? I guess I have always had to be...but that's another story...and a post that will take much longer to write. Let's just say, it is hard being the "responsible one" and the "good one" because you can never let anyone down. Heaven forbid I have a bad day...say something not so "sweet" or kind or "normal" for me... because as soon as I have that kind of day, I'm the bad person.
Okay...enough with the feels for tonight. Life is hard. Things hurt. People let you down. You screw up. Life goes on... Emotions flood the soul.
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