Who flipped the ON switch?

Not sure what happened, but the ON switch of my brain has been flipped!  Suddenly I want and need to write.  Suddenly I have so many things that are bouncing around in my brain that I have to get them OUT!  My blog began as a place for me to process things that I was going through at the time.  It has been a PRIVATE blog much of the time and only shared with a select few.  I felt led to open it up and be real openly with anyone who felt the need to read someone else's struggles and journey.  So, I did that.  It still stresses me to be so transparent and I very often censor what I am writing for fear of offending someone or for the fear of being too honest and too real. 

So here goes nothing....let's be real for a moment.  Rejection sucks.  (I wanted to censor that and find the right words to be politically correct or more lady like but truth is...it does suck!)  Why is it that we seek approval from people?  Why do we base our worth on what others believe and think about us?  Why can a simple rejection seem to destroy all our self confidence?  I don't know the answers I just know that they all are true for me. 

Rejection comes in many different forms. Not making the team.  Not being picked to join a club.  Not winning a contest.  Not having your accomplishments recognized.  Not being invited to a party or being left out of a planned event.  It could be as simple as not being asked to go to lunch with the group or left out of a conversation. I've seen my girls go through the rejection of break-ups and friends that are more "fair weather" friends than those you can depend on.  We listen to lies whispered in our heads that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, too quiet, too loud, too much of something for someone to handle.  All of this...ALL OF THIS...feeds that feeling of rejection that can take over your life if you let it.

Now before anyone thinks this is just about not being the one picked to stay at my current school, it really isn't that.  It is so much more than that!  However, I will admit that not being the "chosen" teacher to stay on our campus did sting a bit.  I had all those thoughts that I'm sure the other teachers had as well.  You know the ones like..."Why didn't she choose me?" or "Am I not good enough?"  or "Does she not like me?"  Yeah...all of those did roll around in my head for a day or so, but tonight it is about so much more than that. 

Have you ever had a person that you sought acceptance from?  A mentor or someone you just looked up to?  How does it feel when that person does not ever acknowledge you or your accomplishments?  For me it is one of those things that makes me feel like something is wrong with me.  No matter how much I try to prove myself or my worth to this person, she continually does not acknowledge me.  This year I was named lead teacher for our department and Teacher of the Year for our campus.  (Both of these were great honors to me.) I thought maybe, just maybe, I would hear from her and get a "congratulations" at least.  Nothing.  Nothing at all was said.  It has gotten to be such a sore spot for me that I even notice that she will comment very kind things on other people's posts on social media, but not even an "I'm praying for you and your family," during the scare with my brother's health.  Nothing.  Zero.  It is like I am invisible! 

Now I KNOW in my head that this is ridiculous and that one person's opinion should not matter that much to me...but it does.  This person is a "wonderful" person in everyone's eyes...highly respected and seen as someone you want to know.  I continually ask myself what I have done to be shunned by her.  Why am I not good enough to be even acknowledged by her! 

It is crazy how one person's rejection starts messing with your head.  I catch myself wondering what's so wrong with me.  Why do people not like me?  What am I doing, or not doing, that makes me not fun or good enough to be around?  Okay...enough!  See what I mean!  It starts messing with your head. 

I know I am not everyone's cup of tea...that's okay.  I know I am not the most outgoing and fun person.  That's okay too!  I know I am sometimes too serious...too caring...and too emotional.  That's okay as well!  I know I can't depend on people to do what I would do for them.  I know I have to be true to who I am with or without the approval of the person everyone sees as perfect.  I know that the only person I need to prove myself to is me...and that God already accepts me as I am.  It still doesn't take away the hurt of rejection.  I pray that I don't make others feel this way.  I also hope that someday I can walk out from this shadow of needing approval from others.