Disconnect......

That's exactly how I feel lately.....disconnected. Partly of my own doing, I will confess...but still, the disconnect is strong. It started months ago when I was ill and then had surgery. I felt it then. I pulled within myself as protection and because I was an emotional mess. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying, and that made many people uncomfortable, including myself. It was easy to see who would not stick around through the recovery, because they couldn't even talk to me about the events leading up to the surgery. I guess it was then my wall started going back up. I started seeing that people I thought were friends and people I thought were my support group, were really not going to be there for me during the scariest part of my life thus far. So....disconnect

Then recovery came. Life was lonely, to say the least. My poor daughters took turns babysitting their MOM! How sad!!! There were a few of those friends who had stuck around that made a point to come visit. For that, I will forever be grateful. Those few showed me that they can stick by me even when emotionally and physically I am a mess...and not very easy to be around! I have to say, though, it amazed me at who did and who didn't stay around. So....I redrew some of my circles and pushed a few more to the outer rim and disconnected from their lives too....as they seemed to have done so easily from mine....

By this time I had been isolated for too long and isolation never has been a good thing for me. Again, those few friends continued to pull me along. However I am a pro at disconnecting and recovery was not easy with school starting and Tara leaving...so I wasn't much fun. I couldn't handle the piddly arguments and complaints at work that are part of beginning a school year. I took everything too personal and then, when I had just started letting that wall down again, one person I had tried to let back in, showed that she was not safe.....I tried to discuss my hurt feelings over an incident at school, and she chose to not hear and without hearing my hurt, decided I was in the wrong.......SLAM! Door shut! Total disconnect.....I pulled away. Totally and completely. I told you, I'm good at self preservation......

So I lost another one of those relationships I thought was safe. I still had others, right? From that point on I wasn't sure. I know that my hormones were still trying to balance again....not that I can explain that to those who simply chose to not be there for me during this time.....but I know that is part of it. It seemed from the moment I shut the door on letting people in, I started questioning the intentions of all of those around me. Were they trustworthy? Would they be there if there was nothing I could offer them??? Where were the people who needed nothing from me but still wanted to be my friend???

I started seeing this dynamic at church....at school....at home....everywhere! Who really was there for ME? Not there because of what I could do for them! I'm still not really sure. I have even seen some of those closest friendships slip some now too. Is it me?? Is it because I have pulled so far away again? Probably....but I'm not sure I am willing to take all the blame.

I came to a place of saying "NO" and deciding that if I didn't want to do it, no one and nothing was going to guilt me in to doing it. It's funny, but did you know that people get mad when you say NO after you have always said YES even when you didn't want to!!! Did you also know that when you are not "useful" or being a "YES" person that you can be thrown away? I watched an organization do this to a dear friend of mine. I've watched people I thought were really close friends do this to us. It is hard to not put the walls up as high as they can go when these things happen.

So....I disconnect. I stop being involved. I retreat to the safety of my home and my family and I surround myself with only those I feel safe with. However, that is becoming even hard now days. I know that so much of this has come from those days of being ill. My immune system just seems to not fight off the colds, the viruses, the bugs that go around. I have something all the time. I'm not just being a baby, I am fighting all the germs with everything I have, but still....I'm run down. That leads to some emotional and spiritual disconnect. I miss those relationships. I miss those people I thought were going to be there for me. I miss having fun. I miss feeling like going and playing and laughing. All I want to do....all I feel like I can do is sleep. I want to rest....all the time! I have also missed lots of time with my church family.....but I can't say that I have been missed. Funny thing is, when you disconnect, people don't always notice. I was gone for 3 weeks straight....3 weeks....I was sick, Mike was out of town, then Chelsea was sick and only my Mom noticed....or said anything. That doesn't really lead to a warm fuzzy feeling or a desire to go back. Why should I when I can worship my God anywhere? So why go where you don't feel welcome?

It's easy to disconnect. It is easy to give up. I asked not too long ago "what happens when we quit trying?" Well, I see that while I have quit trying, others have not reached out to find out why. It is easy to disconnect when people don't choose to be actively connected to you.

Now what do I do.....stay disconnected? Try to replug in to where I was? But why? Why would I want to when it doesn't feel like I am wanted, much less needed? Do I seek that connection somewhere else? But where? How? I have put my wall up high enough that it is going to take some time to bring it back down and let people back in. Seems like and feels like that 6 years worth of work was destroyed in less than a year.

Now, before some of you, who know me well, start worrying....I am okay. I just feel very disconnected. I am in need of recharging. I need some excitement. I need to feel needed, wanted, and useful again. I need to serve where I can be ME and not a person that "fits" an image or is told to follow BLINDLY the one in charge. I need to be able to use the gifts I've been given openly and freely. I am in need of that retreat time alone with God for several days to find what HE is calling me to do. I still need to say NO and not let guilt continue to control my life. I need to delve in to His word again with women who are safe and allow me to be transparent but still encourage me to be more than I can imagine I can be.

On another note, I need to feel free to write what I feel and how I feel....therefore this blog is going to go private again. Unless you have been invited or asked to continue reading and I can "trust" you enough with my heart, you will not be able to continue reading. I won't apologize because to find me again, I have to be me again....open and honest and not being what others need....but what I am called to be.



I am looking to REconnect again but that will be a slow process and will require some time. I thank those of you who have been by me through this process......please keep holding me accountable to being true to myself and not being the Denise others think or want me to be. I remember struggling with this since my teen years.....I need to fine ME again......and connect my heart and mind and soul again to the only power which has sustained me this far.