Alone......

You know there are some things a mother's heart just can not bear.  Seeing your child hurting and in pain that you can not fix is one of those heartaches that seem to scar a mother's heart.  I remember a verse in the Bible talking about Mary storing things in her heart as she watched her son minister to the world and leave her side.  I can only imagine how her heart broke when she watched the pain and suffering he went through on the cross for all of us.

I wasn't sure where this writing was going this morning until that last sentence I typed.  I watched from behind my camera lens as my daughter made this long ride up to us from saying good-bye to her love.  She watched him walk away and head to an airplane that would take him to the other side of the world.  She knew saying good-bye meant months without him.  She knew that these two weeks of being inseparable had now come to an end and she was once again.......alone.  She knew she was giving him up so that he could go do a job that so many that he fights for could care less about.  She knew that his sacrifice of his life was now also her sacrifice as well. 

My heart aches this morning.  I wake and check all the posts from overnight to see if they have gotten to talk at all.  I watch for news of where he is and how he is doing.  I listen to see if she is sleeping or typing on a computer screen to him or if she is crying again.  I watch her put on a brave face when she can and face the world head on.  With pride I have read her responses to the many posts supporting her, knowing that each time she types a "thank you" or a response she is reliving this last moment together.

My baby girl does not let me do much of the comforting right now.  She is being strong as she can and my hugs only break that barrier and make her break down again.  Right now I need to be her strength.  I need to be ready for the break, but hold steady until then.  I need to be.....tough.  Frankly, tough is not what I feel at all.  I have only seen such heartache and grief a few times.....but watching it on my baby girl is almost too much for this momma.  All I want to do is hold her and cry with her.  I want to take away that pain, but I know I can not.  I want to "fix" all this and make it better.  Bring him home and watch them be happy once again. 

I watch her put one step in front of the other and move forward slowly right now.  I watch her tear up if something is said that hits a soft spot.  I also try to stay tough when her words or responses back to me are less than kind.  I know it comes from that hurt and sadness she is feeling.  It just makes me feel so helpless....and alone myself.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to rock my baby girl.  I want to be the one to comfort her right now, but she wants to handle this on her own, in her own way with her own grief.  She needs her daddy's strong arms right now and not her momma's soft shoulder.  She needs to process these feelings on her own.........and really, the only one she wants to comfort her is the one she can not have right now.

This is one of the hardest things I've done....watching my baby girl try to walk this road alone.  Being this "strong" army fiance' and being so proud of her soldier while sacrificing herself through this too.  She will lean on us when she has to, but knowing her, she will try to do it all on her own.  I will watch quietly and wait patiently for when she needs me or when I see that wall begin to crumble.  I will be ready to catch her when it all starts falling in.....but until then...I will store these things in my heart and keep them close to me.  Sometimes only a mother's heart alone can understand these things...........

A mother's love....

I really really should be asleep right now.  I should be trying to rest and prepare for the day ahead.  I am going to need every bit of my wits about me today, but yet, my brain is not letting me.  So much has happened in such a short amount of time.  Two weeks.....two weeks is all it takes to change a life.  Two weeks to totally become part of my heart more so than ever before.  Two weeks......and now.....it is time to say good-bye.

I have never dreamed of being a soldier's mom.  I have daughters!  None of them....well, maybe Tara....ever has considered being in the military.  I have never even considered the possibility of sending one of my babies off to war.....off to Afghanistan or Iraq or some other God-forsaken place like that!  I have never considered the sleepless nights and the heartache that I would feel if I had to watch them load a plane and leave me for 6 months or longer....knowing that might be the last hug or kiss I would ever get from them.  I didn't have to think about these things.  They were NOT on my radar at all. The worse thing I worried about was my baby girls driving to and from college and their navigating the dangers of the interstate system.  I might have to worry about them being out and about on their own and the dangers that lurk in this world, but I had trained them well to be aware of their surroundings and I knew they were more safe than most.

You know, as a mom, you just always carry your children in your heart.  No matter what they do.  Through the good...the bad...the down right mean and ugly...the disappointments...the triumphs....the "what were you thinking" moments....all of it, you love your babies.  You want nothing but love and happiness for them.  You want them to find joy and find hope for a future.  You just want your child to be everything and more you dreamed they would be and that they have someone to share that with in their lives.

Somehow.....two worlds have collided for me...my "safe bubble" world where my girls are all accounted for and have relatively safe lives and the world of an army mom, saying good-bye to a child.  No, none of my babies have joined the army.  Thankfully.....but it feels like they have.  I want to stop here and say once again.....I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ARMY MOMS DO IT!  They are the bravest, most faithful, prayerful, supportive women I know!  I am blessed to call one of them my dear friend.  I also now get to call her family.  You see, I'm becoming one of them.....in a round-about way.  Not my flesh and blood....but my soon-to-be son-in-law has brought me to this place.  He has made these deep places in my heart hurt with worry and swell with pride all at the same time.

I remember when Dustin told us he was joining the army.  I cried with his momma then!  He has always been "one of my boys."  As a teacher, I have several young men and women that I will always consider mine.  It is the best part of my job!  But, Dustin was never one of my students.  He was one of my oldest daughter's classmates and the son of a high school friend and his wife, who worked with me at school.  She and I bonded over having children the same age and the connection between our husbands being friends in high school (Shawn was my friend too).  Our friendship grew from the years of working together, watching our kids grow up and something about that year of graduation from high school for our kids really geld our friendship.  I would joke with my oldest, Ashton, that if her current boyfriend (now husband) didn't work out, I thought Dustin would be a great choice.  She would say "yea Mom, he's a great guy" and laugh at me and move on.  Oh mercy if I had known then how much this "great guy" would mean to us.

 Dustin started calling me "Momma Farmer" years ago.  I'm not really sure when that happened, but it just did.  I watched him graduate high school, move out on his own, take responsibility and get a job, then have to go through the struggle of looking for a new job during those years of lay-offs everywhere.  I watched him go from being in a pretty serious relationship to a break up that was very hard on him and his family.  I watched him decide to join the military and I remember saying....."please don't join the army."  I didn't want to see him go.  I didn't want him in harms way because he was already a special young man in our lives.  He was the son of one of my best friends.  He was a classmate of my daughter.  He was like a big brother to my youngest.  He was a good friend to my Tara.  He was special to us already and I didn't want to see him go.



I couldn't do it.  I will just be very frank and honest.  I even begged Dustin NOT to go.  NOT to do this.  Don't put your life at risk for anyone!  I couldn't do it.  I could NOT give my child for anyone else.  Nope!  Not happening!  I can not even imagine the thought!  I'm a selfish mom.  I don't want to let them go that far away and ever be at risk of losing them.  Luckily, I thought, I would never have to feel that or worry about that, because you see, I'm the mother of daughters....not sons...and my daughters were not going to be military candidates.  (Even though 2 of the 3 can shoot a rifle pretty darn well!)

About a year ago, while Dustin was stationed in Germany, he and Tara continued their friendship via chatting online and texting.  Dustin was far from home.  Tara had always considered him a friend and they had always picked at each other.  This friendship really started becoming an important daily connection for them both.  I laugh looking back at it.  She was picking on him about a picture he had posted on his Facebook with a model in the back ground.  He replaced the picture of the model with a picture of Tara and reposted the picture!  Tara was shocked and we all got a good laugh out of it.  I would say.....that was the beginning of my worlds colliding!  This friendship continually grew.  He was a constant in her life.  She depended on his friendship while she was away at college.  I remember her saying to me about a year ago......"Mom, I think I like Dustin."  I'll admit, it worried me.  He was in GERMANY...she was in Texas.  He would be there and then deployed and so he would not be back in the states for 2 years.  WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?  She was in college!  She needed to hang out and enjoy being a college kid.  I was worried she would sit in her room, wait by her computer and have this "virtual" relationship.  PLUS I didn't want to see something happen to this great friendship they had going.....because relationships that end usually kill friendships.  Selfishly, I didn't want anything to happen to my friendship with his mom and dad either!!!!  So......yes.....I discouraged the "liking" him part and encouraged building on the friendship.

It was the right choice....at the time.  They continued the online friendship.  They became each other's BEST friend.  She got him through hard times in Germany and he listened and helped her through struggles at school.....but then came time for R&R before his deployment.  It was so obvious at that point that I was wrong about their friendship.....it was meant to be more.  If you've heard the phrase "sparks fly", well, that was them!  INSTANTLY!  She was going to be home as much as she could while he was in for his R&R before deployment.  She drove in 3 weekends in a row.  That was normally unheard of!!!  Suddenly I started seeing pictures of them together when they would "run in to each other" while she was home.  Hummmmmm.....  Then came the date.....one real date....and he would be leaving again, but that was not where it would end.

WORLDS COLLIDE!  The relationship began I believe on July 10....he was in Germany and she was here.  Skype "dates" became a normal word around here.  Giddiness when the phone would ring or a text would come through.  It was so fun to watch, but my heart started hurting then.  I knew what was next.  DEPLOYMENT to Afghanistan.....one of the top 5 most dangerous regions.  I knew it would be hard on my girl.  I could see how attached she was becoming.  I also could see that he was becoming even more dependent on her.  What if she couldn't handle it?  What if this ended and hurt feelings tore apart all our friendships?  I began praying....even more so than ever....for his safety and for their relationship.  Then their break-up happened.....for 2 weeks.....and I thought they both would not make it.  Thankfully they were strong enough to make it through it......and they have never looked back since.

Dustin's been home now for 2 weeks.  He had been gone for 6 months and this R&R was very much needed.  It has been a wonderful 2 weeks.  He proposed to my baby girl only a few days ago.  Their connection and love is so very strong and evident.  Those sparks are flames at this point....  And now....it is time to say good-bye again.  I don't know how to do that.  You see, he now has a deep place in my heart right beside my girl.  He is now one of mine just as if he were my son.  This young man that I have watched grow up and become the man I see now gives me very much pride as well.  I don't know how his momma does it.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  I don't want to let him go.  I don't want to share him with the country or this world.  I want him here with us.  Here with his family....

It's funny how a mother's heart can grow......I've never had a son.  I've never been an army mom.  I've never watched my boy become a man, but I've watched my daughter fall head over heels in love with this soldier, who has captured her heart and carved his place in our family.  This mother's love fails in comparison to his momma's love for him.....but I pray he knows how deeply loved he is by this momma  too. 

Polished Diamonds....

The other day my dear friend, Julie, took one look at my wedding ring and said...."You need to let me clean that for you!"  Yep....it needed it.  My poor ring.  It has seen over 25 years of wear and tear.  One stone is missing....one prong is bent.  The center diamond has been knocked out...lost....found...remounted and braced.  My ring has seen good days....bad days....long days....and days that just went way too fast.  Through all those days, I've worn my ring.  I don't take it off.  Now days it is because it is a little tight on my finger, so it doesn't come off easily, but I remember when it was a choice whether to take it off or not.  I still chose not to!  On this particular day....it was a mess!  It was dull and dirty....caked with lotions and soaps that didn't wash off with water and at that moment I realized I had been neglecting the polishing and shining that it needed!

This little innocent comment by my friend got my brain spinning.....what else had I neglected?  My ring is a symbol of a promise of love and fidelity to my husband.  It is a symbol of the life we have pledged to each other.  It announces to the world that I have committed my life to one man as my husband and best friend.  So what did my dirty ring say....I don't care?  It's unimportant?  Our life is a mess?  I know that is not what my friend was saying....she use to work for a jeweler so she was just noticing innocently that my ring needed a good cleaning, but my heart screamed something different to me.

Have I been taking for granted what I once held so highly?  Have I become complacent and unaware of the polishing that needs to be done in our marriage?  Have I quit doing those things that keep the shine and sparkle visible?  Honestly......yes, I had.  Those little things....the hand holding....the quick little peck on the lips....the smile when my hubby would get home....all had become overshadowed by the busyness and craziness of daily life.  Stress at work....stress at home....bills....illness....obligations....all those things that have taken away from what I once held as the most important part of my life.....my husband, my best friend, my life. 

This week I have watched baby girl #2 accept a beautiful band of diamonds from her best friend.  Her soul mate.  They sparkle.  They shine.  They shout to the world that she loves this young man and that she plans to spend the rest of her life loving him.  They tell of his great love and adoration for her.  If those diamonds were a representation of their love, you would have to say it is one of remarkable beauty and value, highly valued and prized.  I watched her sleep holding her hand gently so her ring would not slip or fall.  I watched her admire the way it sits on her hand.  How gently she holds that hand now!  How proudly she shows all those who want to see it!  How much she smiles at knowing what those diamonds represent to her!  How he smiles knowing she has accepted his ring that is a symbol of his love for her!

Oh to be back there again......young....in love....and untarnished by life.  Marriage is such a journey....sometimes even a battle.  There are scars and bruises.  There are times where those diamonds don't shine near as much as they use to, but the most beautiful thing about those diamonds is that they become more valuable with time.  Their beauty through the years come from the memories you make and struggles that you overcome together.  They may become knocked around, dislodged, even lost at times, but as long as you remember the value they hold and the love they proclaim....then a little polish will do the trick and help them shine all over again! 

Sleepless nights

It is dark and mostly quiet in my house tonight as I sit down once again with my computer.  What I should be doing is sleeping....like my hubby who is serenading me from the bedroom with his nightly tune.  However, once again I am awake...way before morning and time for my friendly alarm to blare it's reminder to wake up!  Why do I keep waking up?  Why can I not sleep?  Trust me, I am tired.  Very tired.  Even now my eyes want to close but my body won't let them because I am far from comfortable.

My routine almost nightly is to wake up at or around 3 am and make my way to the living room where I sit in my "spot" now on my new recliner/loveseat.  Then I would stretch out and doze back off for a couple more hours.  Tonight is different.  I made my way to my seat as normal and then when I tried to lay back, my new-to-me electric recliner loveseat would not recline.  UGH!  I sat there for a little bit, frustrated and thinking if I waited a couple of minutes and tried again, it would work.  NOPE!  Then I decided the connection must have come loose, so I pulled the extremely heavy thing away from the wall enough for me to lay down behind it and with my handy-dandy flashlight on my phone, I crawled back there and started looking at wires.  NOPE!  They were connected.  Everything was as it should be as far as I could tell.  So I thought I would try again to sit in my spot and surely now it would open the recliner.  NOPE AGAIN! 

Frustration wanted to set in.  THAT'S MY SPOT!  I kept thinking...and WHY would MY SPOT decide to not work.  I'm careful with my recliner.  I take care of my stuff and I had just warned/played around/teased a few others in our house to NOT tear up my electric recliners.  This is not a funny joke.  I started thinking about my daughter, who had been sitting in my spot earlier tonight and instantly I started blaming her.  What did she do to my chair?  I'm still hoping it is no big deal and that something is just loose.  Hoping my NEWLY paid for new-to-me furniture is not already broken.  Hoping I don't have to sit in a different seat now....like I am this morning as I type.  I have taken over my hubby's SPOT! 

So why am I constantly having these sleepless nights?  That really is the problem, not my broken chair.  I am tired.  We are on the go all the time and today while riding back from Waco with my family, I could not keep my eyes open!  I felt even drugged I was so out of it.  I am obviously tired...but not sleeping.

I believe it is probably a combination of things.  Work....family....money....house not being in order....taxes need to be done.....worry....excitement....frustration....my list could continue on and on.  There seems to be a lot lately going on in my head.  So much so that I can not keep it all sorted out.  So much so that I find myself slipping in to that dark spot from time to time.  That place of sadness and loneliness and despair.  That place I fight so often to stay out of. 

Even as a little girl, I didn't like the dark.  I would lay in my bed and NOT MOVE if I woke up in the night.  I was afraid of everything around me and my bed was my safe haven.  If I could just lay still long enough then maybe I would go back to sleep and nothing would get me in the dark.  However, now....the dark doesn't hold that fear for me.  Nighttime is still ominous at times, but most nights I just find peace in the calm of the dark.  I can hear myself think at night.  I can hear the sounds of nature outside when the hoot owl decides to sing.  I hear every little daily, soft noise that is covered up during the day time by the noise of life.  But the thing that I find I hear better in the dark.....is a quiet voice.

I don't know how you hear God or how you feel His presence in your life, but for me, it is a quiet voice in my spirit.  One that prompts me to write and express.  Sometimes that voice gets very loud in my head until I get to the point I have to write or never sleep again.  I never am sure at what message it is suppose to bring or give or inspire for others.  I just know I am to write.  To express and to follow the prompting of this soft voice.  And so tonight, while I was frustrated about my chair not working and frustrated over once again not sleeping, I followed the prompt and picked up my computer....to write.

I am hoping these sleepless nights don't continue.  New mattresses haven't seemed to help me with this problem yet.  Getting up early and going to bed at a decent time haven't helped yet either.  I could go take some medicine to help me sleep, to calm my mind and relax my body.  I am tempted to do that even now, just so I can sleep, but instead I feel the need to just get some of this stuff out of my head.

So what is it?  What is worrying me or playing ping-pong in my head?  Life.  Just life.  Hurting friends, injustice, happinesses, excitements, dread of things to come, fears, pains, love, longing, illnesses, test results, all of the above.  My feelers are on full blast lately.  I feel everything around me 10 times more than normal.  I am so sensitive to everyone's feelings around me.  It is almost too much.  During the day hours it seems to consume so much of my time that it is hard for me to want to give any of  my evenings to it.  But I am finding, more and more each day, that God's voice is easiest heard in the quiet calm of the dark.  God meets us in the dark places.  Dark places physically and dark places spiritually.  He finds us where we are and reasches out to us in a whisper. 

So as my eyes get heavy once again and I prepare to lay this computer down.....I wonder what purpose He has for my sleepless night tonight.  I have used it to write instead of wander through the pages of facebook or playing games.  I didn't pin anything new tonight.  I just listened and followed by responding and writing.....as He has so often prompted me to do.  Being a night processor is not easy and means many more sleeepless nights ahead for me, but if I am spending them getting closer again to my God, then every lost moment of sleep will be worth it. 

Heartstrings.....

There is just something about watching your baby girl grow up that tears at your heart. My girls are my pride and joy. Watching them grow into the young women God has intend for them to become is both wonderful and terribly hard at the same time. My eyes swell with tears.....for the joy I feel and the sadness of my babies being young women now and not my baby girls.

Tonight....well this morning now....my middle daughter is on my mind. She is in love. Really really deeply in love. Twenty-one years old and ready to make decisions to determine the path she will walk the rest of her life. How did we get here so fast? Where did my time go with my baby girl? I want to tell you a little about the baby girl that has now become a young woman.

I should have known from the moment I knew I was expecting that she would be my strong-willed child. My pregnancy was far from easy with her. Our life at the time was far from calm or easy. We had one baby girl, were both in school, working and trying to make ends meet. To say the least...it was not an easy time in our marriage. When I knew I was expecting it made me happy and scared at the same time. I wasn't sure Mike and I were stable enough to hold everything together and have 2 babies. How would we make ends meet? I could barely afford daycare for one baby! What about finishing school? Could I even love another baby like I did my first born daughter? Through all those fears, I still was so excited about this baby. This baby would complete our family....or so I thought at the time!

Pregnancy isn't an easy road for me....sick is an understatement!!! I was ever so sick with this one. Morning sickness lasted for months...more than 3...and it was not just morning sickness, it was all day sickness. Mike was working out of town and nights. I was working for a mean boss that hated any time one of us was pregnant and was determined to make life a living hell. Stress in our marriage was at an all time high, and then I had my wreck! I was 5 months pregnant and a teenager with no license or insurance decided to pull out in front of me. Scared to death for the life of our daughter and our unborn child, I went to the hospital to be checked out. Baby girl #1 had slept through the wreck and was fine....baby #2 was fine and well protected in her warm little womb. Me....I was sore all over and even more determined to love this little one who was strong enough to survive her first wreck.

Not only had she survived the wreck, but she was one of about 5 babies expected around our church and family that actually lived to birth. There were 5 of us pregnant. Three of the babies did not make it to term. There was something wrong with each of them and the fear that something was wrong with my baby took me over. I finally convinced my doctor to do a sonogram...which was a big deal back then...to make sure she was okay. That was when we learned we would be having another daughter. The rest of my pregnany went according to plan. I survived a HOT summer of pregnancy and was anxiously awaiting my September baby......September came and went. October was over a week old and finally the doctor decided she had to be born. She was big. I WAS BIG! So we scheduled for her to be induced. October 8th EARLY morning we arrived at the hospital expecting a baby in the next 12 hours or so. After 17 hours of pretty hard labor....my blood pressure dropping...no pain meds....and no progress being made, the doctor decided to do a c-section. Again, at this point I should have known what her personality would be. Strong....determined....stubborn....and a "I'll do it my way!" kind of girl!!! She was turned wrong, not dropping and perfectly comfortable where she was...until the word c-section was mentioned. I think at that point she "decided" it was time to make her appearance in this world! And she did!!! Within 30 minutes of the doctor mentioning taking her....she was here! She decided to get here so fast that it hurt my body pretty badly. She was my big baby. Nine pounds but beautiful! Head full of hair, darker skin and beautiful blue eyes! Instantly she was totally different from her sister....who was blond, fair skin and blue eyed...and bald when she was born. Tara, on the other hand, had a head full of hair....one plus from the months of sickness and heartburn!!! She was jaundice and "high maintenance" from the beginning! Luckily October was warm and sunny that year so we could take her home and let her "sunbathe" in the window for hours to help with the jaundice. We had to do several heel pricks and blood tests during the next week.

I'd like to say that was where the stubborn-will-of-her-own personality stopped, but it didn't. She was never a cuddler....which I wanted to do with my babies. She fought like a wild cat if you tried to hold her down for anything..changing diapers, giving medicine, etc. She loved her mommy but she wanted her daddy!!! She was sick often and we had many doctor and hospital bills. She scared us to death when they started testing her for lukemia after an extremely high white blood cell count that landed her in the hospital with 5 nurses fighting to hold her down and to put an IV in her little 2 year old arm. Then again when she was about 10 she decided to scare us again with a battle with meningitis that kept us all at Children's Hospital for a week with spinal taps and me signing papers about procedures that were risky but needed to make her better! Her life seemed to be in my hands once again.

Years of soccer showed her personality as well as gave us many more doctor bills. Hunting and fishing with her daddy...climbing mountains and white-water rafting with her youth group...wrestling with her boy cousins and uncles....never letting me put hair bows in her hair.....playing with horses, not DOLLS....I had my full blown, beautiful dark haired, blue-eyed, tom-boy little girl. My beautiful independent baby girl, with a mind of her own, grew to be just as strong-willed teenager with her own ideas of how she would live her life. Her faith was strong but never did she buy in to the "regular" way of doing things. She pushed the envelop with me every time she could. She made me challenge why I did and believed what I believed. She constantly would strive to be totally different from her sister and to be as tough as any boy and as pretty as any girl!!! She was born in to a natural strength and beauty of her own.

High school beat her down at times and she made some poor choices as we all do during those insane years but she recovered from them and learned valuable lessons. She dated some less-than-wonderful boys than never knew the real her. However, she held on to who she was and survived high school. Now she decided to venture out to a college all by herself. NONE of her friends and no one we knew would be there with her. She made friends and when she decided she needed a change...she changed...moved to another college and started a whole new adventure with new friends. To say she has found herself might be an understatement. Living through drama of roommates with different morals than she has made her reevaluate her path once again. Somewhere during this time....her friendship with a special young man grew. He became her rock. He was there to listen and help her through stuff any time she needed it. She could talk to him about the stuff she didn't want to worry us with. She learned she could tell him anything and he would listen and not judge. Watching their friendship deepen caught my attention. It scared me to be honest.

You see, this young man is special. He is the son of one of my best friends. He is also living on the other side of the world from her. Dustin is in the army. He was stationed in Germany at the time and they could only communicate via skype or internet. She talked a lot about him and I encouraged her "friendship" to stay just that. I didn't want her not going out and spending time with her friends and having some of those good "college" experiences. Little did I know that he was the most stable friendship she had during all those college days. When he came home for leave before deploying to Afghanistan, the sparks started flying. You could almost see them. EVERYONE noticed it. They just were instant. From that time on, we should have known. Actually, Mike swears he knew then how they would be now! Once again, she was following HER heart and had HER mind made up. He was the one. He was going to be part of her life for a very long time. I think it almost scared her too.

After 6 months of deployment, he is home for a short 2 weeks period. They have been in a relationship for over 6 months while he has served in one of the most active and dangerous areas. He has grown to be a young man instead of the boy I knew. He has captured my baby girl's heart. He is her best friend. He.....I believe....always will be.

Watching my daughter become this young woman who loves this young man who puts his life on the line daily for our freedom is almost too much for this momma. Watching my baby girl...my strong-willed...determined...independent...spirited...wise beyond her years...baby girl make life decisions with this young man makes my heart hurt....good hurt...and hard hurt. That's the only way I know to describe it. I'm so excited and happy for her and scared and sad at the same time. She has been my spirited child. She has been a part of my heart that I can't expalin. You never have favorite children....it is impossible to favor one of my girls over the other...they are each unique and hold special parts of my heart...but this one...this daughter....has a part of my heart that is very soft. Maybe it is because she was born during a time in my life where all I wanted was to take care and protect my two girls. I held on tight to her. Maybe it was because of the hard pregnancy, wreck, impossible delivery of her that she has this spot. Maybe it was because of how sick she was as a baby and the other close calls through her growing up. Maybe it is because she wouldn't let me hold on to her that I try so hard to hold on still now. Maybe it was because she loved me...but wanted her daddy more. Maybe it is because she has some of the best of me in her that I have lost throughout the years.

My heart strings are being pulled tight this morning. She and Dustin are making choices and decisions that could take her far from me. She is no longer my baby girl....well, not my baby....she will always be my girl. She is a young woman. She is at that time where we choose to leave our families and hold tightly to a new family.....her very own little family some day. I know the days ahead will be hard for her. Saying good-bye to this young man and sending him back to danger and away from her arms will be hard. My watching her survive these next months without him here will be hard. Preparing to give her to him one day will be one of the hardest joyful things I will do.

My heartstrings are playing a song of love for a baby girl I love deeply.....

Hello 2012........

2012........I can not imagine what all this new year has in store for our family. 2011 was a full year....so full that I didn't write but once!!!! I truly have missed my one-on-one time with my computer and my blog. As those who have shared some of this writing adventure with me know, this is my release. This is where I have gotten some of the cobwebs out of my head and on to "paper"..aka...computer screen. This is what has helped me process through difficult days and not have to just keep it all to myself. So I am promising myself that I will write in 2012. I need it. It is part of me. But even as I type right now, my left arm/shoulder/neck are starting to stiffen. The struggles with my neck have really hindered my ability to type like I use to, but I dare to move forward.


Let me recap 2011.....Our precious grandbaby, Halee, was born in May....and then my GrandMary died a month later in June. In November, Mike and I celebrated 25 years of marriage with a week long trip to Nashville. These key events truly mark 2011 as a year to remember. Other events that changed our lives this past year were....Steppingstones Ministries first Encounter weekends in January, Dustin's homecoming for R&R in June and his departure for Afghanistan in July, Tara and Dustin's relationship being redefined from friends to dating, our girlfriends' trip to Destin for a week at the beach, SCHOOL starting back again for what I would call the hardest most stressful year I've had in a long time, and saying good-bye to my dear friend/sister, Tana, as she moved to New York.

2011 was a year of ups and downs. It was a year that redefined who I am in many ways. My favorite NEW identity is NENE! Being a grandmother is the absolute best thing in the world. I get it now! Watching your child become a parent and bless you with a baby to love and snuggle and play with is just the best thing ever. Having Halee in our lives has helped me have a new perspective on who I am called to be and who I have been trying to be. I've come to a place where what is important to me outweighs what is expected of me. Life has become too short in my mind for me to waste on anything but being who I am created to be. Who is that...you may ask....well, that is still changing daily. And yet, maybe it is not changing at all, but I am embracing who I am and not trying to be anything more. I don't know yet!

2011 has shown me a lot about friendships. We have watched friends move away to follow their dream and calling to plant a church. We have watched friends walk away for reasons we still don't understand. We have seen anger in friends that we can't make any better. We have watched friendships be strained to the point of breaking but manage to survive. We have helped pack friends to move across the country. We've even found some new friendships along the way that have helped fill in the gaps for those we've lost. I have mourned the loss of some friendships and miss the days where life was different, but I am forever thankful for those few friendships that have weathered all the storms and have hung in there with us. I'm especially thankful for the few that I know, no matter what..when..where, they will be there.

2011 has brought up questions about my career for me. I have never been more unhappy with my profession as I have been this year. I LOVE the people I work with and my campus could not be better, but it is the atmosphere and the lack of respect I feel as a PROFESSIONAL EDUCATOR that resonates deep within my soul. The feeling of "not being good enough" or needing to be "JUST LIKE" every other teacher has been pressed down on us so hard that we are all stifled. I've cried more this year as a teacher (with over 16 years experience) than I did my first 5 years of teaching. The stress has been unreal and the strain it has put on our campus, my health, friendships, and frankly my sanity, is just not okay. This I do know....I AM A GOOD TEACHER! I just don't know that our educational system wants good teachers any more. It feels that they want robots that teach exactly the same no matter what the kids need or what our personal style might be. I don't see me staying in public education for much longer. I hate that. I love kids. I love making a difference, but at this point, I can't put my health at risk because of people who no longer work in the classroom....or never have been a classroom teacher....deciding how I should say every single word in my class.....more pressure....for less pay.....and higher insurance......and zero respect. I'm giving myself 4 more years......tops.....that gets my baby girl out of high school and I can explore other options.

2011 was not the best year for me.....there were some great things that happened this past year, Halee being one of the key happy moments, but overall, it was a hard year. I'm honestly glad the year is over and gone. I'm thankful for the lessons we have learned over this past year. I am thankful for the people who are in our lives and continue to prove daily that they are true friends and love us warts and all.

So....2012....I'm ready for you! I'm ready for NEW! I'm ready for fresh and new and a year of exciting changes. I know there are still hurdles ahead, but I know who I can depend on to help me through them. I am looking forward to taking my life back. To redefining me some more. Time to make some hard changes that will allow me to be me......I still believe that learning to say NO is the best thing I can do. I am not going to do out of obligation any more.....I will do what I am called to do...led to do....by God alone and not guilted to do by those who THINK they know me. It may rock some friendships, but you know....if they are true friends they will stand by me. I'm tired of being second fiddle to everyone else and not counting. My message from God app said this last night.... "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well....I don't consent any more. I'm tired of being the "good listener" and the "counselor" for friends who are never there for me when I need someone to listen. My problems/issues may not be earth shattering like theirs but to me they are hard issues and more than once in 2011 I learned that they are not there for me.

2012.....I will write/blog more. I will say "no" to when I don't really want to do something. I will be true to the me I was created to be. I will find a new passion for my life and actively seek after it. I will be me....the me I'm created to be. The girl who cries too easy....listens and cares....loves her family right under God....the girl who doesn't have to be like everyone else to be okay.....the girl who can stand alone in a crowd and feel confident in her decisions....the girl that wants joy and happiness and beauty in her life and will not settle for less than that....

Love letters....

While cleaning out some of my grandmother's house, we found a box of her memories. Lots and lots of pictures, tons of newspaper clippings, report cards and classwork of her 5 children and even a few pictures my girls had drawn were a small portion of what we found, but somewhere in that box of memories we ran across what I feel may be the most valuable find....my papa's love letters to my grandmother. Kept neatly in a rose colored stationary holder, tied with pink satin ribbon. I can just imagine my grandmother holding the box closely to her chest after adding the newest letter to the box. Many letters had lipstick kiss marks on the letters where she had kissed his words in the letters.....

Just spending the little bit of time looking through part of the letters, I felt like I was stepping back in time and spying on a love story I had never heard. Yes, my grandparents were married for over 50 years....closer to 60 I believe before my papa died. They lived a long life together but I'm not sure I ever saw this love that they shared. Yes, I know they loved each other, but the love I saw was tempered by 5 children, 8 grandchildren, 5 great-grandchildren and finally one great-great grandchild. They were hard years with many heartaches along the way. They loved and lost, cried and bled, worked hard and lived modestly. But before all of this....they loved each other....with a young love. A fierce love. A passionate love. A tender love.

How blessed I feel to have these letters!!! I am slowly putting them in chronological order to the best of my knowledge. Most have been dated by my papa, who seemed to write almost every day! I plan to read them after they are in order. The few I have read have already made me cry. To hear the love in my papa's words and the loneliness he felt being away from my granny is so heart warming. To hear him call her "baby" and "darling" and "precious wife" during his time of serving in the war, and then working so far from home and longing to have her with him. I feel drawn back to the 1940s and a time in history where you had little but loved much.

This is an adventure that I am both excited and fearful to start on. Granny died a month ago today. I still haven't cried as much as I know I need to. I miss her....and have many many regrets over the past years of the moments I missed with her. Delving into her history and seeing a part of her life that she didn't openly share with me...or anyone else...makes me nervous. I would never want her to be mad at me. I have walked that thin line of knowing whether she was proud of me or not for most of my life. I just pray I can honor her and Papa through this. Is it time for me to write a book....maybe. But this one will be the story of my grandparents who shared a very real love that held them together for more than 60 years and left our family a legacy that we are just now beginning to understand.

Hang on tight....you may be my sounding board as I venture down the emotional highway.

Finding Me.....

I sat down to write a little and ended up reading over some of my last few posts. The first thing I noticed is that I really really need to proof these things before I publish them!!! LOL! Seriously, thank you for not judging these and knowing that this is my outlet and not my "perfect" publications. That sounded funny....publications? I doubt that will ever happen, mainly because all I seem to be able to write about nowadays is my crazy busy life. Maybe something inspirational will come out again one day.....

Tonight it is all about me again.....sad, I know. Maybe if I change my focus some, my writing will get to being what it once was.....but right now, I'm too self focused. Maybe that is okay. Maybe I am needing this time of just looking inward and finding me again. In my last post...or maybe the one before it...I gave a hint of what I might be writing about....well, that's probably where I am headed. This year, this time in my life, seems to be a time of self reflection. Hopefully this will be a time of finding out who I WANT to be rather than who I am suppose to be. Somewhere along the way I have figured out that I am just not that special! LOL! I know that sounds harsh and in some ways I mean it that way and in others, it is a bit humorous.

I have told my girls more than once in their little lives, that this world does not revolve around them, but for many years I believed it did around me as well! Pride...yea, that was part of it, but some of it I think was from this impression that was made upon me at a very young age, that everyone was watching and depending on ME to do things right. I can tell you right now, I blew that a long time ago! However what this impression has done to me is to cripple me and my ability to do just about anything. I have to do things the "right" way....whatever that is!!! I have to make sure things look right and sound right and that what others see will not lead them down the wrong path. Now, I know some of that came from Bible lessons and about looking after your brothers and sisters and about not leading others astray because your punishment would be worse for causing someone else to sin. I haven't changed my beliefs on this, but I have decided to try to cut myself a little slack. I AM NOT PERFECT NOR WAS I EVER INTENDED TO BE!!!

I told my momma tonight how much I appreciated her efforts to teach me to control my temper and hold my tongue and how to turn the other cheek, but that I had just about come to the end of my mercy and grace. I have decided I'm tired of "playing" the nice person. I'm tired of lying down and being walked on. I'm tired of being the peacemaker or keeper or even the negotiator. I think I am about to the end of that "what if they get mad at me" stage in my life and I'm moving in to the "I don't care if they like me or not" period!

This week my walk with Christ has been called hypocritical. Yep.....that's me....a blatant sinner. Oh wait...we all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. I know that. I know I don't deserve one bit of the grace that I have been given. I know that better than most. I have many people fooled. But I will say I am not a hypocrite. I love my Lord....and I want to be more like him every day. I have to say, though, that being like Him, does not mean people can walk all over me. Right? People don't get to be hateful to my children and get away with it. People don't get to harass my daughters or call us hypocrites on facebook and it be okay...do they? Do I keep turning the other cheek and letting this anger and bitterness build up? NO! I know I need to forgive....I am doing that daily....over and over and over again! But when does it become okay for me to just explode and tell people what I think and feel and not have to feel guilty over doing it?

I'm sure this has become a ramble again with no topic sentence or theme or grand idea to guide what I have written. Basically, this is just me being hurt and angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated and not being able to publicly speak out or act out or do anything that would seem "unfitting" of a lady....a Christian...or the image I somewhere decided I had to uphold. Let me just say.....I'm not perfect. I screw up. I don't use the right words...or even the proper words all the time. I cuss...sorry Mom...I swear....I drink from time to time, but only a little...it's not my thing....I even say "ain't" which is a cardinal sin for teachers!!! I am not the perfect model of a Christian. I can not walk in Jesus' shoes....but then again, no one can.

This I do know....I love my family and my God. I live for both of them. I may not do it all right but now that I know it is not all about me and that the world won't stop if I do it wrong, I am going to step out a little more. I might have that drink, right in front of the good ol' church ladies. I may slip and say that "s" word that slips out every now and then when I kick my toe. I might even go dancing, which I really miss doing. I might even tell someone off in the near future....and feel ok about it. If they don't like it...or me....oh well....it's not all about me.

I am bound and determined to find that backbone I use to have. The one that got me through those crazy years of high school. I'm not going to worry about whether you like me or not or if I did things right for you.....it is not up to you to judge me, now is it? If you can't be my friend because I won't smile anymore and let you push me around, well, then, you weren't much of a friend before now, so it won't be hard to let you go.

Again, I know this all sounds a bit harsh, and lots of it comes from new hurts and pains that have been forced on me or my family in the last months. But these things have made me look at myself and wonder where that person went that was strong and determined and KNEW where she stood and didn't care if people didn't like her. You know, that girl that only cared what God thought of her....before the world got a hold of her.....that's who I'm looking for again.

What would you say?

I really don't want to write tonight but I have to get this out....It has bounced around in my head all day. We lost another friend this week. She was a great inspirations and very kind to all she came in contact with. She made her life a life of caring for and teaching children. She helped lead our school district and was always someone who support us as teachers. She lost her fight with cancer yesterday and went to join those who have gone ahead of us. It was said that one of her girls stated, "God needed her to get the school district in heaven organized." That is something she could do easily!

The thing that keeps me awake at night right now is her girls. She fought for over a year trying to beat this killer. She stayed positive and encouraged others as she could. I can not imagine the shoes she had to walk in these past few months. She knew the fight was over. She knew the time had come. She knew her days were becoming fewer and she knew she would soon leave her girls behind. I use to think about how others would feel loosing a parent but now I put myself in that parent role. What would I want to say to my girls before I left them? What would I need to tell them? How do you prepare your daughters to go forward in life without their mother?

I know some other girls who never had the opportunity to hear those words from their momma because she was taken suddenly. I know she would have wanted to give them some words of love and guidance if she had had the chance. These girls didn't get that chance either to tell their momma how they loved her. If only they had had that chance.

So what would you say? If you had only a few days...hours...left, what would you want to say to those you love the most? Your spouse? Your children? Your parents?

We never know when it will come.....don't hold back the words that you need to say...

Yes.....I'm still here....

I have been horrible about keeping up with my writing lately. Even those simple rantings of mine have failed to make it on here. Life has just been a whirlwind since school started.

I do feel that I am to start writing again. I know I have said that before and for those who read this, you know it only comes when I feel inspired or prompted to write. It does not come easy for me to put what I think or feel out there for others to read. My very private side does not like others knowing so much about me! Those of you who are here with me are among a very select and lucky (if you want to call it luck) few.

So let's recap the last several months.....school....school.....school....and school. Honestly I can say it has consumed my life. Every once of my brain power and energy have been taken over by school. To say our year started off with a bang is quite true! The last I wrote we had just seen the accidentally overdose of one of our 8th graders. Since that time we have had a high school senior die tragically in a car accident, our principal quit/retired suddenly, one of my students tried to hang himself on PURPOSE during recess from the swings, another one of my students is now in a psychiatric hospital for make a "hit" list and detailing how he would kill the people on his list, another student served time in our BIC center for also making a list of how to kill a specific boy in several different ways, our assistant superintendent resigned due to her brain cancer spreading, one of my best friends had a scare with melanoma, my student with a form of autism continues to test my skills as a teacher, one of my students is being abused by her older sister and it happen today at school too, plus I have one parent who is set on making this year our worst year ever. Our school has had several extreme events lately with teachers and students being in the center of the drama. It has been INSANE! I'm lucky to still be in my right mind!

On a happier note.....my grandbaby is growing by leaps and bounds! Yes, I said GRANDBABY!!! Ashton is expecting in May. I am so excited. I even got to see my little sweetpea/doodlebug in a sonogram last month. He/she was precious and had hiccups the whole time we were looking at him/her. Ashton has been sick for 4 months now and is longing for the day she feels better. I'm sure Todd is longing for that day too!

Tara continues to do well in college! She has also had a rough start to this year. Her summer was, let's say, less than wonderful. But I can say she is a little bit wiser and a whole lot stronger because of it.

Chelsea is loving jr. high school. Unbelievable that she is in 7th grade!!! She had her first tennis match last night and we enjoyed watching her and our niece play a doubles match.

Life is going.....and going.....and going..... It seems to never slow down long enough for us to enjoy much of it. Mike works too hard and too much. School wears me out. Chelsea is even tired enough that she doesn't want to do much at night. We are just meeting ourselves coming and going. I really did think life would slow down with just one baby girl at home....boy was I wrong!

We also have been involved in another ministry opportunity. Steppingstones kicks off officially in February and January will be a month of rehearsals! It is exciting and scary at the same time. I'm not sure how God wants me to serve in this ministry but I am praying He shows me his plan. So far, I am working on the newsletter for the ministry and writing a little for it.

So, I think that is my life....at the moment. I'm sure I have forgotten something....but right now I'm too tired to think. I will say that a thought has been taking up residence in my brain and is waiting for me to write it somewhere.....not sure what it will look like. I'm sure I will eventually get it down...my thoughts are these so far....here's your sneak peak in to what I am/will be writing about:

Nothing special?
When did I quit believing I was special?
Who I am not....Not the cheerleader....Not the top student....Not the prettiest.....Not the smartest....Not the most prized....Not...Not....Not....

As you can see....this one will not be easy. I know I have to write it, but the words have just not come yet. I thought maybe tonight I would be able to get started on putting my ideas down in written form, but so far I haven't been able to. I guess just being able to tell you all about the trials and struggles of the last couple of months is enough for today.

So, yes, I am still here and still writing just not publishing very much.....bear with me....It will get better eventually....I know it has to!

Tomorrow is too late....

This has been a week....and it is only Tuesday!!!! School started which is always an eventful occasion. It has been good so far...I'm behind already I think, but oh well, I'll make up for it. I just have to find my GROOVE again! LOL....

Seriously though, it has been a hard week. Saturday morning I got a text from my mom telling me that a long time friend's dad died. Then on Sunday morning the news came of one of our 8th graders that had died from a drug overdose. It has been a hard week...and yes, it is only Tuesday.

The loss of my friend's dad hit all of us hard. When I read my mom's text, I gasped out loud! It literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't believe it! I have not seen this man in years, but I have many fond memories of times spent with him and his family. I also have many hurt feelings towards this man, for the way he tore his family apart and left them as well as many of us battered and bruised.

As I talked to Mom and we thought of our long ago friends, both of us were saddened both by his death and the way he ended his life. He had been one of those teachers at church that I loved listening too. He had a zest for life. He was fun and always had the best of everything. From the outside, this was the perfect family! Perfect house...perfect cars....perfect clothes....just perfect.... However, truth was, they were far from perfect.

I remember hearing that he was having an affair. I couldn't believe it. I had sat in his class as newly wed and listened to scripture after scripture against adultery and divorce and yet now he was the one caught in that snare. I can only imagine how his family felt because I was angry myself...and hurt...and disgusted! Needless to say, it tore his family apart. His wife, his son, his daughter....all were caught in the storm that followed.

I had lost track of my friends after the divorce. It has been 21 years or so since I had last seen the dad. It was at his son's wedding. I haven't seen his daughter since probably high school. I have seen his ex-wife on several occasions and have watched her put her life back together. Unfortunately, not all of them have been able to do it.

I talked to the son of this man this week. Funny, we use to be great friends, we grew up together and spent almost every spring break with each other's family. Ski buddies, friends, co-workers (when he worked for my daddy) and so on....I hadn't seen him since his wedding. I can't believe it has been that long ago. But talking to him this week, I have seen the broken, damaged shell of who he once was. It breaks my heart. But even sadder were the words spoken against his father.... When asked about a memorial service, his children asked "Seriously, who would come?"

I pray that his father found some peace and forgiveness before he died. However, his children are left with regrets and anger and grief they don't know how to deal with. The image of him in his nursing home bed alone at the end of his life with no one to comfort him, just tears my heart apart. As awful as he was in the end to his family and friends, how horrible it must have been for him to be all alone. Even more sad is the pain of regret and grief that I listened to in his son's voice. Just such brokenness.....

Then came the death of an 8th grader....also the son of a friend from high school. He was one year older than Chelsea and was out at a party doing drugs! At the most he was 14...but probably still only 13. How can this kind of thing happen to a child? It makes me angry too. Some people immediately blame his parents, but from what I understand, he had lied to both of them about where he would be. There are just no answers when a child dies....even of his own doing. This is the second child in this class to die. One to suicide and now one to drugs.....

One of my favorite songs right now talks about telling those you love that you love them....time is short. Don't waste another minute on anger, regret, resentment, bitterness.....I promise you, when the day comes that you can no long make something right, it will rip through your heart and leave more than just grief. Say it...make a point to forgive and live a life void of regrets. Tomorrow is not a promise....just ask my friends. They would give anything to have one more day...or one more minute with the ones they lost.....now, it is too late.

At the crossroads.....

Remember Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway where at the end he has to decide which way to go? He stands at an intersection, looking at a map and then takes a chance and follows where his heart leads. I feel that my child is the one standing in an intersection and now has to choose which way to go...and the rest of her life depends on this moment and choice!

How did we get here? How can one way be better than another? Is there a right way or a wrong way? Is there a predetermined path or is it all just left up to chance?

Life has been a roller coaster ride this summer for my baby. She has trusted and been hurt. She has opened her heart to only feel pain she didn't know she could feel. She has taken a chance and headed down a road which now ends at this crossroad. So how does she choose which way to go? The paths are not clear. There is only so far down the road that she can see. Some of the way on each road is very clear but then there are the places out of sight and very unknown. Those are the places that this decision will most effect.

The other night a friend asked me if I could go back in time what event would I change and why. At first I thought I would not change a thing because it led me to where I am today, but then after thinking about it for a while, I realized that I took the longer road to get to this place. Maybe it was even an unnecessary side trip and that if I had chosen differently then I would still be able to be here today but without the pain and maybe even sooner than now. I don't know if that is right or not. I know that I have never taken the easy way to anything. I always stood up to a challenge and just knew I could do the impossible even when everyone said it couldn't be done, or shouldn't be done the way I wanted to do it. I know there was an easier way....I know I chose the harder road, but I also know that road gave me strength, insight and knowledge that I would never have had otherwise.

But just for a minute I want to imagine my world if at my crossroad I would have turned right instead of left. What if I had gone off to college right out of high school....ACU or Harding were my destinations. Would I have become a teacher? Would I have still married my hubby? Would my girls still be born at the same time they were born? Would life have taken me to other places and people? Would I have dedicated my life to ministry and traveled the mission fields? Would I have married a minister? What if I had stayed in my bubble of safe Christian places and never ventured in to the world and its offerings? Who would I have become?

Another question haunts me more....who would Mike have become? I'm not being prideful and I know my faults throughout this journey, but Mike has said many times that without me being in his life he would have destroyed himself. I hate to say it, but he really might have. He tried to even during our marriage at times. I hate to think of what would have happened to him if he had not come to know Christ....and he had no leading to Christ until he and I started dating. But then again, what if there was another plan to get him to Christ if I didn't intersect his life?

The should-ofs, could-ofs, and would-ofs can drive you crazy. They do me. I also know I can't focus on if I had done things different. I have to live the life I have chosen. But that's me.....my child has not chosen yet and is standing in the center of the intersection trying to decide which path to follow. Does she continue straight ahead with the college she is in and the major she has chosen and the young man who has made her begin to trust again....OR....does she look at how much she has loved ministering to teens this summer and change her path to seek more ways to minister to others and possibly a young man who will make his life a life of serving and teaching Christ to others? If she changes course, will the other young man ever find a true relationship with Christ? Right now he is willing to learn and let her lead him on this path, but if she chooses a different direction what will that mean for him? Then again, is it her purpose to lead him or to just plant the seed. Maybe the Christian young man who has spent his summer also ministering to teens and who may actually follow in his mentors' footsteps and choose ministry as his life is who she is suppose to be with. Wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't life be better for her if she followed this road instead?

I know I have given lots of questions that really do not have answers. My heart and my head don't agree and don't know how to help her decide. Prayer is all I have and all I can offer her at this time. I can see this time as the point where she decides what life she will live. It is exciting and frightening for me so I can only imagine how she feels. To say I am praying is an understatement. I have prayed for years for the young man that God has for her. I have often prayed for young men that she has dated to be quickly removed from her life if they are not good for her and if they are not the ONE for her to invest her heart in the relationship. I have prayed for the young man and his family that will one day become part of her life and our lives. I have asked that his heart be deeply in love with God just as she is and that she would not struggle through some of the battles that I did. So now, I pray it again. I pray that God will make her path clear for her. I know He has plans for her....plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Every day I am having to make the choice to give her future to His control and trust that He knows which path she is to take and that God will be with her as she chooses it and will walk beside her as she walks it out.......

I've always believed she would marry a minister and be involved with youth ministry. But I also know she is a rescuer, like her mom, and sees the good in people who don't yet know Christ. I can't tell her that it is wrong to date a non-Christian, because she may be the one to lead them to Christ. I can't tell her to choose the easier path either....

And so.....I pray......

Memory Lane

Tonight I can't sleep....every time I close my eyes I flash back to a time in my life that seemed like the end of the world. Somewhere in that time my spirit was broken. I had always been a go getter...loving life and living it....but then I learned something I had never known before....I wasn't enough.

This came after a breakup way back in high school, long before Mike and I started dating. Actually, he was lucky I even went out with him because I had sworn off all guys from Kaufman about that time! I was too trusting until this point in my life. I believed what I heard and trusted that those words would never be proven wrong. Then I learned, not everyone is trustworthy. Learning this lesson just about broke me. I tried to destroy myself in the months that followed. I was sick and tired of being the "good girl" that never seemed to be enough to hold on to a boyfriend. So, I set out to be NOT a good girl. I was doing pretty good and learning how to not be what I once was....I was angry, bitter, scared, and heartbroken. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for the same kind of lines in two different relationships. Both had lasted months and months and seemed to be "real" but amazingly the ones I thought loved me and I thought I could trust, broke me in to tiny pieces.

I remember one night crying so much that my momma came in to my room and just tickled my back while I cried and cried. This one was the hardest one. I had really given my heart and thought he had too. But soon his drinking and eventually drugs took away the guy I had fallen for and left someone who cared less about me and more about the next "good time" he was going to have.

So why is this memory haunting me tonight? Because I just sat on my baby girl's bed and tickled her back and brushed through her hair and held her as she sobbed her heart out. She has been crushed. She finally found someone who she felt safe enough with to let her guard down. She thought he was her best friend....and now she fears even that is gone. And sadly, she doesn't even know why it has come to this. He says he can't trust her because she had not told him some things before he learned them tonight. They are little things in comparison to what he has done.

The other reason it is bringing up these emotions is that he is very similar to my heart breaker. The drinking and partying may have now become too much for her to be able to handle the consequences. Regardless, she loves him...as much as one can at this stage of a relationship. And he has decided he doesn't trust her more than he loves her.....

The thing that hit me so hard tonight was hearing my feelings from my heartbreak come out of her mouth...."I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me." How can she think that? How can being a girl who has chosen purity and God not be good enough? How can a girl who chooses not to drink, smoke, or do drugs not be good enough? My heart is breaking for her tonight...or I should say this morning. I know when this happened to me was when I put up a wall that said, "You won't get to me....I will NOT feel like this again!" And then I did my best to drink those feelings away.....It didn't work and it added more hurt on top of the pain I already was feeling. I can not stand the idea of my baby girl feeling what I felt or trying to cover up those feelings like I did.

I have always prayed for the young man who would one day win my baby's heart. I know he is out there and I know I don't get to pick him for her. This young man that has hurt her would not have been my pick....but truth is, my hubby probably was not my parents' pick for me either. However he was who God intended for me. I'm still praying for the young man that will win my girl's heart....even if it ends up being this one that has wounded her so deeply tonight. My tears roll as I think of her words and remember her sobs and as I remember that broken girl I was so many years ago.

God, my prayer is for her heart...that You guard it and keep it from shattering to pieces. I pray that she doesn't change to fit anyone or to try to keep anyone. I pray for the young man you have purposed for her, that he be one of yours and that when he comes in to her life that she will know and allow her heart to open again. Lord I just pray you stay very close to my baby girl in all the moments I'm not there and the moments she feels she can't share with me. Thank you Lord for mending my heart and for watching over her's. In Your Son's Name....Jesus... Amen

I love this quote....it might spur me to write again...

"Do not fear death but rather the unlived life....you don't have to live forever, you just have to live...." Tuck Everlasting

Masquerade

Have you ever thought about what masks people live behind? What masks you live behind? Do we ever really know people? Do we let people ever really know us? Truth is....and my accountability group with bust me on this if they read it....the answer is NO! No one really knows me....I feel that no one can ever see things just like I see them....they won't hear things the same way I do....they won't process meanings or feelings like I would....no one can ever really know how I feel or think like I think because no one has ever walked the same path I have walked.....We are each made to walk a unique path and that means that only God knows where we have been and where we will end up!

There are just some places in my heart that no one gets....no one understands, and frankly that I have kept hidden, even from those closest to me.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't have the masks....would I be happier? Would life be easier? More peaceful? Would my friends still be my friends? Would my family disown me? Could my hubby handle me being totally real without keeping anything in? Who would I be?

I don't know the answer....I've never allowed myself to just be me, to find what makes me happy and peaceful. I've never let myself put myself first. I let those spotlight seekers stand in the front and grab all of it. I let those who have more serious problems rattle on and on and I listen, but never share my hurts, because to me, mine are not important to anyone but me. I sit quietly to the side and listen, watch and evaluate. Hopefully I'm not judging....I try not to, but I am usually evaluating myself more than them. I smile and pretend all is okay....I only speak what seems to be okay for the moment and I leave empty and hollow still. I don't think people would even care if I shared those core things of me. I'm uninteresting and plain and shallow and totally tired of the masks. But then I have to remind myself, that I am not the only one wearing masks.....

Disconnect......

That's exactly how I feel lately.....disconnected. Partly of my own doing, I will confess...but still, the disconnect is strong. It started months ago when I was ill and then had surgery. I felt it then. I pulled within myself as protection and because I was an emotional mess. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying, and that made many people uncomfortable, including myself. It was easy to see who would not stick around through the recovery, because they couldn't even talk to me about the events leading up to the surgery. I guess it was then my wall started going back up. I started seeing that people I thought were friends and people I thought were my support group, were really not going to be there for me during the scariest part of my life thus far. So....disconnect

Then recovery came. Life was lonely, to say the least. My poor daughters took turns babysitting their MOM! How sad!!! There were a few of those friends who had stuck around that made a point to come visit. For that, I will forever be grateful. Those few showed me that they can stick by me even when emotionally and physically I am a mess...and not very easy to be around! I have to say, though, it amazed me at who did and who didn't stay around. So....I redrew some of my circles and pushed a few more to the outer rim and disconnected from their lives too....as they seemed to have done so easily from mine....

By this time I had been isolated for too long and isolation never has been a good thing for me. Again, those few friends continued to pull me along. However I am a pro at disconnecting and recovery was not easy with school starting and Tara leaving...so I wasn't much fun. I couldn't handle the piddly arguments and complaints at work that are part of beginning a school year. I took everything too personal and then, when I had just started letting that wall down again, one person I had tried to let back in, showed that she was not safe.....I tried to discuss my hurt feelings over an incident at school, and she chose to not hear and without hearing my hurt, decided I was in the wrong.......SLAM! Door shut! Total disconnect.....I pulled away. Totally and completely. I told you, I'm good at self preservation......

So I lost another one of those relationships I thought was safe. I still had others, right? From that point on I wasn't sure. I know that my hormones were still trying to balance again....not that I can explain that to those who simply chose to not be there for me during this time.....but I know that is part of it. It seemed from the moment I shut the door on letting people in, I started questioning the intentions of all of those around me. Were they trustworthy? Would they be there if there was nothing I could offer them??? Where were the people who needed nothing from me but still wanted to be my friend???

I started seeing this dynamic at church....at school....at home....everywhere! Who really was there for ME? Not there because of what I could do for them! I'm still not really sure. I have even seen some of those closest friendships slip some now too. Is it me?? Is it because I have pulled so far away again? Probably....but I'm not sure I am willing to take all the blame.

I came to a place of saying "NO" and deciding that if I didn't want to do it, no one and nothing was going to guilt me in to doing it. It's funny, but did you know that people get mad when you say NO after you have always said YES even when you didn't want to!!! Did you also know that when you are not "useful" or being a "YES" person that you can be thrown away? I watched an organization do this to a dear friend of mine. I've watched people I thought were really close friends do this to us. It is hard to not put the walls up as high as they can go when these things happen.

So....I disconnect. I stop being involved. I retreat to the safety of my home and my family and I surround myself with only those I feel safe with. However, that is becoming even hard now days. I know that so much of this has come from those days of being ill. My immune system just seems to not fight off the colds, the viruses, the bugs that go around. I have something all the time. I'm not just being a baby, I am fighting all the germs with everything I have, but still....I'm run down. That leads to some emotional and spiritual disconnect. I miss those relationships. I miss those people I thought were going to be there for me. I miss having fun. I miss feeling like going and playing and laughing. All I want to do....all I feel like I can do is sleep. I want to rest....all the time! I have also missed lots of time with my church family.....but I can't say that I have been missed. Funny thing is, when you disconnect, people don't always notice. I was gone for 3 weeks straight....3 weeks....I was sick, Mike was out of town, then Chelsea was sick and only my Mom noticed....or said anything. That doesn't really lead to a warm fuzzy feeling or a desire to go back. Why should I when I can worship my God anywhere? So why go where you don't feel welcome?

It's easy to disconnect. It is easy to give up. I asked not too long ago "what happens when we quit trying?" Well, I see that while I have quit trying, others have not reached out to find out why. It is easy to disconnect when people don't choose to be actively connected to you.

Now what do I do.....stay disconnected? Try to replug in to where I was? But why? Why would I want to when it doesn't feel like I am wanted, much less needed? Do I seek that connection somewhere else? But where? How? I have put my wall up high enough that it is going to take some time to bring it back down and let people back in. Seems like and feels like that 6 years worth of work was destroyed in less than a year.

Now, before some of you, who know me well, start worrying....I am okay. I just feel very disconnected. I am in need of recharging. I need some excitement. I need to feel needed, wanted, and useful again. I need to serve where I can be ME and not a person that "fits" an image or is told to follow BLINDLY the one in charge. I need to be able to use the gifts I've been given openly and freely. I am in need of that retreat time alone with God for several days to find what HE is calling me to do. I still need to say NO and not let guilt continue to control my life. I need to delve in to His word again with women who are safe and allow me to be transparent but still encourage me to be more than I can imagine I can be.

On another note, I need to feel free to write what I feel and how I feel....therefore this blog is going to go private again. Unless you have been invited or asked to continue reading and I can "trust" you enough with my heart, you will not be able to continue reading. I won't apologize because to find me again, I have to be me again....open and honest and not being what others need....but what I am called to be.



I am looking to REconnect again but that will be a slow process and will require some time. I thank those of you who have been by me through this process......please keep holding me accountable to being true to myself and not being the Denise others think or want me to be. I remember struggling with this since my teen years.....I need to fine ME again......and connect my heart and mind and soul again to the only power which has sustained me this far.

Life right now....

I have to apologize to those of you who read this often. I have really let you down! Life right now has me in a bit of a "puddle". Sorry, that's BFG talk....again, sorry, that's the novel I just finished reading my kids at school. Love the book. Love the BFG! Anyhow, there is much going on and too much for me to process anything logical to read. So, for now, here is just an update.....

Ashton graduates college in a few hours.....I can not believe it! We are so super proud of her! She is teaching already and she and Todd are doing great. They just bought a new truck and seem to be managing just wonderfully on their own.

Tara is transferring colleges. HSU was great, but she has changed majors and can get her nursing degree at a less expensive college.....so she is off to TSU. We almost have everything done for her to be transferred and we are looking forward to hearing from financial aid to know what this semester will cost!!!

Chelsea is doing good. She has had a few rough patches, and is having to work extra hard in school this year. Hopefully she will get those study habits set before heading to jr high next year. She has had a hard time knowing where she fits sometimes. At church she is not one of the "little" kids and she is not one of the "youth group" yet either. She gets to do some youth activities but that has come with some struggles. Needless to say, she doesn't feel like she fits any where and it is hard to keep her motivated lately to want to be involved. This is so hard because our other girls never wanted to miss. She has also been hurt by some of the little girls in the way they treat her. She is such a sensitive little girl and wants everyone to be happy but she is enough like her mom that she doesn't do well with bossy people or mean people. It has just been hard on her. It is good that her sister is home and able to build her up a little more.

Mike and I are doing okay lately. Life has thrown us some curve balls. His work continues to be a place of stress. Some weeks are so busy I never see him and others are so slow we hope he continues to have a job. I'm guessing that means there won't be a Christmas bonus in our future! My work has been stressful at times. There just seems to be an air of discontent and jealousy surrounding us. Having this Christmas break will be good for all of us. A little time away will hopefully help us like each other better.

The other major thing affecting our lives right now is the decision we have made to no longer support or work within the ministry group we once gave so much time to. It has been a hard decision but one that we feel must be done. Pride and arrogance have taken over the leaders of the program and this has led to decisions that we can not support. I am so sad over this. I mark our time at this program as one of the turning points in our lives. Some deep friendships were made during these years of working together and I am grieving the loss of some of those and the realization that we will no longer be part of helping others together.

So I guess I can sum up life lately by saying it is stressful and in a state of unrest. There are some bright spots I must mention....one, my roof no longer leaks!!! This is wonderful and hopefully will help me start the process of trying to sell our house and eventually moving. Sometimes I want that move to be far from here and other times, I love where we live. Another bright spot are some of those people I work with. I love the times of practical jokes and giggling that I enjoy with "the twins!" They aren't really twins, but they are teaching partners and make it their goal in life to keep me on my toes!!! Scary thing is, I am starting to think like them!!!! I also love my teaching team. We are so drama free!!! We do our job, don't complain, back up each other, work together, stay out of each other's way, and really want to do what is best for our kids. I have had two great years of just enjoying my teaching group!

Okay...enough about me for tonight....Maybe during this Christmas break I can get caught up on writing. I do have some things bouncing around in my head, but I haven't been still long enough to put them on paper. My thought process right now has come from a FB message from God.....These are words I am living by right now. "Until you learn to say NO, you will never know when you want to say YES!" Think about that a little bit. I feel like this will be my next post.....I am realizing this is so many ways!!! So, check back soon....maybe I will write again! :)

Another thing and I really will sign off.....If you haven't seen the movie Blind Side, take the time to see it!!! It is thought provoking and really makes you want to be a better person and get involved in other's lives. Secondly, if you are crazy like me and a Twilight fan....go see New Moon!!! I confess....I love vampires and werewolves....but most of all I love love stories.....I know...crazy...but this is my guilty pleasure!!! It has been a great escape during some hard times lately.

I told you I would just ramble tonight but these things I know right now....I love my husband, I have amazing children, God is Good, and life is crazy......

Who's in the driver's seat?

Dreams seem to be where my subconscious decides to drive home some points of life. There are normal stressed-filled, can't get it all done...kind of dreams and then there are those that scream at me to be thought about and analyzed. These dreams have meaning and a message. This is my latest dream message....

I'm in a small SUV of some kind with 3 or 4 other friends. We are driving to somewhere....I'm not real sure of our destination. I am in the back passenger seat nearest the window. I am just merely there. Our trip continues and then it seems we are somewhere off the beaten path. There are cliffs rising up along the passenger side of the vehicle. It is a small, two-lane road that is winding through what seems to be a dark forest. The conversation in the vehicle turns to one of argument on the direction we should be going. Most are protesting the route we are on. We are even pleading to turn around and go back....to go another way. The driver insists we are going the right way and that she knows what she is doing. She continues down the road against our protests and concerns. We come to a curve in the road. Cliffs on one side, dark trees and a drop off on the other. The road is muddy and as we round the corner there is a flood of water rushing over the road. The driver insists we are safe. She pushes the engine harder and heads straight for the rushing water. We, the passengers, are yelling our fears and protests, and yet, we plunge ahead. The next image I still see in my head is the rushing brown muddy water filling the vehicle. I watch as we are trapped inside, the water rising quickly and I see it as it covers my eyes....and then my head. We are all lost.....

Two things hit me in this dream. One, I am not in control. I am not in the driver's seat. I am at the mercy of the one driving and they are not listening to my pleas. Two, I am drowning. I am drowning from the control that someone else has had over my life. I see the danger. I know what needs to be done, but I am trapped in the back seat, buckled in, and out of control. The destination is being decided for me and I have no voice in what happens next. So simply, I drown.

I know it is not a pleasant dream or interpretation, but to say this dream haunts me is an understatement. I have thought of it often. It plays over and over in my mind. I can still see and FEEL the water rising around me. I can see the brown muddy water as it takes over every part of me.

The questions I am asking myself are these: WHO is the one in control? WHY am I allowing them to have control? WHAT must I do to get out of the back seat of my life and back in to the driver's seat? WHEN am I going to get my voice back?

Drowning is a good interpretation of how I have felt about my life recently. Suffocating from the constant stress and pressures around me, much of which has been totally out of my control.

So for now, I am trying to find my way out....trying to regain a sense of control over my own destination. If I don't....I fear....it will take me under and I will never resurface. I am finding my voice....standing up for my needs and my desires and fighting for a new direction for my life. No more cliffs, dark corners or rushing rivers for me....No more uncaring, pushy, know-it-all drivers. I'm taking control again.....so I can live!