Finding Me.....

I sat down to write a little and ended up reading over some of my last few posts. The first thing I noticed is that I really really need to proof these things before I publish them!!! LOL! Seriously, thank you for not judging these and knowing that this is my outlet and not my "perfect" publications. That sounded funny....publications? I doubt that will ever happen, mainly because all I seem to be able to write about nowadays is my crazy busy life. Maybe something inspirational will come out again one day.....

Tonight it is all about me again.....sad, I know. Maybe if I change my focus some, my writing will get to being what it once was.....but right now, I'm too self focused. Maybe that is okay. Maybe I am needing this time of just looking inward and finding me again. In my last post...or maybe the one before it...I gave a hint of what I might be writing about....well, that's probably where I am headed. This year, this time in my life, seems to be a time of self reflection. Hopefully this will be a time of finding out who I WANT to be rather than who I am suppose to be. Somewhere along the way I have figured out that I am just not that special! LOL! I know that sounds harsh and in some ways I mean it that way and in others, it is a bit humorous.

I have told my girls more than once in their little lives, that this world does not revolve around them, but for many years I believed it did around me as well! Pride...yea, that was part of it, but some of it I think was from this impression that was made upon me at a very young age, that everyone was watching and depending on ME to do things right. I can tell you right now, I blew that a long time ago! However what this impression has done to me is to cripple me and my ability to do just about anything. I have to do things the "right" way....whatever that is!!! I have to make sure things look right and sound right and that what others see will not lead them down the wrong path. Now, I know some of that came from Bible lessons and about looking after your brothers and sisters and about not leading others astray because your punishment would be worse for causing someone else to sin. I haven't changed my beliefs on this, but I have decided to try to cut myself a little slack. I AM NOT PERFECT NOR WAS I EVER INTENDED TO BE!!!

I told my momma tonight how much I appreciated her efforts to teach me to control my temper and hold my tongue and how to turn the other cheek, but that I had just about come to the end of my mercy and grace. I have decided I'm tired of "playing" the nice person. I'm tired of lying down and being walked on. I'm tired of being the peacemaker or keeper or even the negotiator. I think I am about to the end of that "what if they get mad at me" stage in my life and I'm moving in to the "I don't care if they like me or not" period!

This week my walk with Christ has been called hypocritical. Yep.....that's me....a blatant sinner. Oh wait...we all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. I know that. I know I don't deserve one bit of the grace that I have been given. I know that better than most. I have many people fooled. But I will say I am not a hypocrite. I love my Lord....and I want to be more like him every day. I have to say, though, that being like Him, does not mean people can walk all over me. Right? People don't get to be hateful to my children and get away with it. People don't get to harass my daughters or call us hypocrites on facebook and it be okay...do they? Do I keep turning the other cheek and letting this anger and bitterness build up? NO! I know I need to forgive....I am doing that daily....over and over and over again! But when does it become okay for me to just explode and tell people what I think and feel and not have to feel guilty over doing it?

I'm sure this has become a ramble again with no topic sentence or theme or grand idea to guide what I have written. Basically, this is just me being hurt and angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated and not being able to publicly speak out or act out or do anything that would seem "unfitting" of a lady....a Christian...or the image I somewhere decided I had to uphold. Let me just say.....I'm not perfect. I screw up. I don't use the right words...or even the proper words all the time. I cuss...sorry Mom...I swear....I drink from time to time, but only a little...it's not my thing....I even say "ain't" which is a cardinal sin for teachers!!! I am not the perfect model of a Christian. I can not walk in Jesus' shoes....but then again, no one can.

This I do know....I love my family and my God. I live for both of them. I may not do it all right but now that I know it is not all about me and that the world won't stop if I do it wrong, I am going to step out a little more. I might have that drink, right in front of the good ol' church ladies. I may slip and say that "s" word that slips out every now and then when I kick my toe. I might even go dancing, which I really miss doing. I might even tell someone off in the near future....and feel ok about it. If they don't like it...or me....oh well....it's not all about me.

I am bound and determined to find that backbone I use to have. The one that got me through those crazy years of high school. I'm not going to worry about whether you like me or not or if I did things right for you.....it is not up to you to judge me, now is it? If you can't be my friend because I won't smile anymore and let you push me around, well, then, you weren't much of a friend before now, so it won't be hard to let you go.

Again, I know this all sounds a bit harsh, and lots of it comes from new hurts and pains that have been forced on me or my family in the last months. But these things have made me look at myself and wonder where that person went that was strong and determined and KNEW where she stood and didn't care if people didn't like her. You know, that girl that only cared what God thought of her....before the world got a hold of her.....that's who I'm looking for again.