Alone......

You know there are some things a mother's heart just can not bear.  Seeing your child hurting and in pain that you can not fix is one of those heartaches that seem to scar a mother's heart.  I remember a verse in the Bible talking about Mary storing things in her heart as she watched her son minister to the world and leave her side.  I can only imagine how her heart broke when she watched the pain and suffering he went through on the cross for all of us.

I wasn't sure where this writing was going this morning until that last sentence I typed.  I watched from behind my camera lens as my daughter made this long ride up to us from saying good-bye to her love.  She watched him walk away and head to an airplane that would take him to the other side of the world.  She knew saying good-bye meant months without him.  She knew that these two weeks of being inseparable had now come to an end and she was once again.......alone.  She knew she was giving him up so that he could go do a job that so many that he fights for could care less about.  She knew that his sacrifice of his life was now also her sacrifice as well. 

My heart aches this morning.  I wake and check all the posts from overnight to see if they have gotten to talk at all.  I watch for news of where he is and how he is doing.  I listen to see if she is sleeping or typing on a computer screen to him or if she is crying again.  I watch her put on a brave face when she can and face the world head on.  With pride I have read her responses to the many posts supporting her, knowing that each time she types a "thank you" or a response she is reliving this last moment together.

My baby girl does not let me do much of the comforting right now.  She is being strong as she can and my hugs only break that barrier and make her break down again.  Right now I need to be her strength.  I need to be ready for the break, but hold steady until then.  I need to be.....tough.  Frankly, tough is not what I feel at all.  I have only seen such heartache and grief a few times.....but watching it on my baby girl is almost too much for this momma.  All I want to do is hold her and cry with her.  I want to take away that pain, but I know I can not.  I want to "fix" all this and make it better.  Bring him home and watch them be happy once again. 

I watch her put one step in front of the other and move forward slowly right now.  I watch her tear up if something is said that hits a soft spot.  I also try to stay tough when her words or responses back to me are less than kind.  I know it comes from that hurt and sadness she is feeling.  It just makes me feel so helpless....and alone myself.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to rock my baby girl.  I want to be the one to comfort her right now, but she wants to handle this on her own, in her own way with her own grief.  She needs her daddy's strong arms right now and not her momma's soft shoulder.  She needs to process these feelings on her own.........and really, the only one she wants to comfort her is the one she can not have right now.

This is one of the hardest things I've done....watching my baby girl try to walk this road alone.  Being this "strong" army fiance' and being so proud of her soldier while sacrificing herself through this too.  She will lean on us when she has to, but knowing her, she will try to do it all on her own.  I will watch quietly and wait patiently for when she needs me or when I see that wall begin to crumble.  I will be ready to catch her when it all starts falling in.....but until then...I will store these things in my heart and keep them close to me.  Sometimes only a mother's heart alone can understand these things...........