Jigsaw....

Before we got out for our Christmas break, my students enjoyed a party planned by some of the parents. The kids had a great time. One of the games the kids played was a race to put together jigsaw puzzles. The first team to complete their puzzle was the winner. Directions were given to be careful to not lose any of the pieces and to be sure that each piece went in its correct place. When the word was given, each team quickly began assembling their puzzle.

Each puzzle was different and each team went about completing the task at hand differently. Most started by turning each piece face up and studying the picture on the box. Many then began locating the side pieces. It seems it is easier to get the outer frame of the picture together first and then fill in the center. Some worked as a group with the full picture, while others divided the picture in to sections and some worked with the dark pieces that seemed to go together while others worked with the lighter pieces. Each color grouping was sorted to see if they would go together. Then there were those pieces that were a mixture of every color and seemed to go anywhere in the puzzle.

The pieces were in every shape and size imaginable. The kids soon realized that they could not compare their puzzle to those around them, because each puzzle was different with the final product being as unique as the grouping of kids working together. Some puzzles even seemed more difficult than the others, but each came with the same set of plans. They were all 100 piece puzzles. All were of animals. Each group started with the same number of workers and at the same time. However, each puzzle was completed in its own time and in its own way.

There were the usual problems too. There were those who could not work together. There were pieces that just would not fit where they were intended to go. There were pieces that seemed to be the same, but with very important minor differences that dictated which direction it would go. There were those that seemed to go together, but really were meant for different purposes. Then, as there always seems to be, there was a lost piece to a puzzle. Without that pieces, the team could not finish and could not win. They went crazy seeking and searching everywhere for the lost piece. No one sat idlely by waiting for it to myteriously reappear on its own. No one gave up either on finding the very important final piece.

In the end, all pieces were successfully put together to reveal a beautiful picture. None of the puzzles were simple but they all were completed and their creators were very happy.

As I have thought about these puzzles I have been reminded of my family and other families. Whether they are a 30 piece or 100 piece puzzle, they are each part of a great family. Each piece/person is designed to go in a specific place and to fill a specific role. Some pieces are more difficult to fit in to the picture. Some are so unique in their design that there is no doubt where they are to go. Others are so very similar that it is hard to distinquish one from the other. There are those who make up the frame of the family picture and hold all the rest of us together. Those which border and give shape to the family and are the ones that may seem more worn than others. Then there are those that make up the middle and add so much detail and life to the family. And as with puzzles, there are those few members that get lost. But without those pieces, the family picture is not complete. Each one is special and each one is needed to make us complete. I'm sure that our creator must be desperately seeking out each one that is lost and longs to restore them to their family.

As I looked around our celebrations this Christmas and I saw the many different pieces of our family, I noticed those who were missing. Without them, our story, our picture is incomplete. You only get to see a part of who we are when we have holes in our puzzle. Those holes also leave us with feelings of longing and sadness. They remind us that we are not complete and that there are those we love that are lost and may never be restored to us. I am reminded that God's timing and His plan are not something that I can understand or control. I do trust that as He continues to put the pieces of our family back together that He does have a picture of who we will be in the end.

Family Ties....

I have a friend who's brother is getting married this weekend. She is so excited. She is part of the wedding and watching them prepare for this day has been wonderful. She showed me pictures of them as children. They were so cute. The thing I really noticed was what buddies they seemed to be. They obviously enjoy spending time with each other now and they seemed to also enjoy it when they were children.

I've often wondered what that would feel like. Being 6 years older than my closest brother and 11 years older than my baby brother doesn't allow for much bonding. To me, they were more in the way than part of the fun. My baby brother was like my very own real live baby doll, but then he grew up and joined his older brother at annoying me.

I hate that those are the memories I have. I really feel more like an only child or a child from a "previous" marriage than the sister to these two. By the time my youngest brother was 8, I was married. By the time he was 10, I had my first baby girl. We lived in two different times and probably really did grow up in two different homes.

Yes, my parents are the same parents both of my brothers grew up with, but for some reason, we are worlds apart. Whether it is the age difference or the gender gap, I'm not sure, but we are almost strangers in lots of ways. The only thing we really share are our parents. I have so often longed for a relationship with my siblings. I have often felt like the "step" sister of this family. I'm not sure either ever looked up to me. I think I was more of someone in their way to getting to Mom and Dad. I know I was not their friend. Too often I was their "babysitter" and well, they always resented my authority.

I watch my girls grow up together and pray they are different, but in watching my baby girl, who is 10 years younger than her oldest sister, and 8 years younger than her other sister, I see that I have created the same situation in reverse for her. Too often there are arguments over one of her sisters "acting like a mommy" to her instead of a sister. Then there are those times I hear the older girls complain that she is in their way or bothering them. It breaks my heart. I have tried so hard to impress upon my girls that they will always be sisters and owe it to each other to be friends too. They must depend on each other....love each other....care for each other....protect each other and most of all enjoy spending time with one another. I want them to have what I have never had. I want them to know a connection with someone else that goes beyond just blood but to true relationship. I want them to have each other one of these days when they no longer have their parents to hold them together.

I look at the families of my parents and in-laws and see how siblings drift so far from each other after their parents die. Since my grandparents have been gone, my dad's family has slowly slipped out of meeting together at the holidays. My mom's family has begun to break away since my granddad passed, but still try to tolerate each other for my grandmother's sake. My husband's family is just the same. His mom's side only has two sisters who even care to see each other or get together at the holidays and this year is the first year his dad's family has not gotten together for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm sure it is because they only did it to keep their mother happy, but since she is gone now, nothing holds them together.

I have to admit I fear the same fate for my siblings and myself. My parents are our only common bond. When they are gone, I'm not sure there will be much of a family left. As harsh as that sounds, it is true. Right now we don't even take the time to know what is going on in each other's lives. Then you add the differences in lifestyle and beliefs and it becomes near impossible to find any middle ground on which to stand with each other.

I've begun to talk alot about the struggles our family faces. Tonight I felt such anger and resentment towards my brothers that I just had to quit even talking about them for my health sake. I love them and can't stand their ways at the same time. I have to say my baby brother is not the one that triggers so much in me, but his denial of the problems we face and his seemingly disapproval of the actions we must take to protect what is left of our family, irritate me to no end. I wish the feelings I had towards my brothers could be summed up in warm, fuzzy, loving feelings, but that just isn't how I feel. I do love them but that is about all that we have. No relationship. No bonds to tie us together, minus our parents, no connections other than blood. How sad we must be!

I feel so cheated at times. I wanted a brother. I wanted to be a sister. I want to be part of their lives, but no matter what, it just doesn't seem to be meant to be. We lived in two different homes. We grew up with two different parents. We followed different paths that led us each further apart. I'm sure this is were my sense of never belonging comes from. I'm sure this is part of what feeds my insecurities and my loneliness. I know this is where my resentments come from.

I am blessed that God has provided family for me when I did not get them by blood. I have sisters. I have great non-blood sisters who have become for me a replacement in many ways of family. I have 3 daughters, who in many ways are the family I never felt I had as an only girl with much younger brothers. I finally have girls to do girly things with! However, there is an emptiness that seems to never be filled. There is loneliness that is always there. There are hurts that may never be healed. And there are struggles that will continue to be part of my daily life until the bonds that hold us together are severed.

If I do anything worthwhile in this life, I pray that it is to instill in my girls a love for one another and a bond of sisterhood that holds them and their future families together even when we, their parents, are gone. That would be the greatest legacy I could leave....children who love and honor one another and proudly call each other family.

Another thing to be thankful for....

To add to my list of things I am thankful for.....

Parents who know no end to loving their children. Parents who never give up no matter how hard the struggle and how long the road, they keep loving and keep praying and keep believing that God is in control.

Just wanted to share that. My parents are amazing!

I've got to get off this ride!

So, I really wanted to focus on the positive. I have wanted to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I have been trying to find joy in each day in God's creation. However, it has gotten more difficult.

I wrote a while back about this merry-go-round that my family is riding. Ups and downs but alway around and around. It seems we can never get off. It seems that we are doomed to ride this ride forever. I don't even dare catch hold of a bit of hope because as soon as I do, something snatches it away.

I'll just get open and honest here. My mom opened the door a few weeks ago and now I feel I can talk a bit more freely of our struggles. We are a family who struggles daily with a meth addict. My brother has brought us to a place none of us would have ever dreamed of being. After another night of "dealing" with the effects of the drug, I would like to share some of what we face. My part is so small compared to what my parents deal with daily. I can not imagine walking in their shoes and I pray I never will.

As the sister of an addict, I am helpless. I see the situation from such a different perspective. But as a mother, I step back and try to imagine if it were one of my girls....what would I do? What would you do to save your child? Would you show tough love if you knew it would save his life? Would you withhold the safety and security of a home to allow him to finally hit the botton so that he would want to find a way home again? Or would you give up? My parents have done all they have ever known to do....love him, no matter what. But me, the sister, I have to admit I have not been so loving. I have been ready to ship him off as far away as possible to find relief for those I love....and myself.

For the past 10 years and possibly longer, I have lived in the shadows of this addiction. I have watched it take my brother way. Then it removed my other brother from our lives, probably so he didn't have to live so close to it. It has robbed me of my parents and robbed my girls of their grandparents. It has taken the love of "going to my parents' home" away from me. It has kept the dream of living near them away. It has made bitterness swell inside of me to a point of pure hopelessness. It has taken away the ability to celebrate the holidays with our extended family. It has removed joy from every occasion that would bring us together as family. It has also taken the idea of peace and stomped on it.

I never thought I would know as much about drugs as I do today. Watching an addict cycle in and out of high and then a low is not something I thought I would do. Being able to talk an addict strung out and hallucinating back down to a state of calm is not one of the skills I thought I would acquire. Knowing how to treat two parents with high blood pressure and keeping them from stroking out during a drug induced rage that they can neither control or help was not how I thought I would spend my evenings. Knowing the protocal and the trigger words to use when admitting someone to a detox facility and rehab was not part of my educational training. Visiting rehabs, learning about medications, driving faster than imaginable to reach the hospital while holding your brother tightly so he won't jump out of the car were not my idea of family fun. Acknowleding the voices that are inaudible to sober, clean people but scream loudly in my brother's ears and searching for the hidden devices planted by the unknown conspirators that he was certain were there, became lies I would give to keep him calm. I have become ready at a moments notice to drop everything and run to the aid of my parents when the phone calls come. And they always come.....Waching my parents.....brokenhearted, exhausted, frail....collapse in tears for what is lost to them ....will never be my idea of what daughters should do.

No, none of this was ever part of who I thought I would be. My husband, my girls, my friends have watched as my brother has tried to destroy his life and destroy our family, one hit at a time. We are a family, normal middle class, God fearing, flag saluting, hard working family who has been attacked by the evil of this world. I often questioned God as to why He continues to allow this to happen to all of us. Why has He not healed my brother? Why has he not allowed my parents to rest? Why have we had to lose so much as a family when so much of our lives have been dedicated to Christ? When will He give us relief? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I do know that God can take these sufferings and make them be to His glory. Any healing, at this point, will only be of God.

Much of this is very raw and fresh tonight so if it is not making sense, I apologize. This is really for me to process. I fear I will not be as honest as I may need to be to get through this. For now this is the only kind of writing I am feeling I can do....nothing inspirational or insightful....just journaling for now. Please keep us all in your prayers. This road will be a long one we must travel. We have to find a way to get off the merry-go-round!

Thankfulness

I am a little late on this post, but it has been bouncing around in my head for a few days. Thanksgiving has always been the holiday that I have enjoyed the most. It is one of those holidays where I don't have to buy any commercialized products to enjoy the celebration. It's not about getting or doing or having, but about being...just being with those we love and enjoying a meal together and learning to be thankful for all the blessings we have received.

As I think back over this year, I know that I am blessed. So today instead of looking at the "glass half empty" I am going to try to look at the "glass half full." Wouldn't life be so much sweeter if we all did this....looked at the good side of every situation? So, instead of looking at the fact that my oldest daughter up and left me forever I can smile at the thought that I now have a son to add to the family tree. I always wanted a son! Instead of looking at how many places we have to juggle going to this holiday season, I can look at the many opportunities to connect with family I haven't seen in a while. OR I can count how blessed I am to have family so close to spend this time with.

You see, it is not that hard to turn things around to the positive and see the blessings we have been given. I have always loved the song "Count Your Many Blessings" so today, I am going to start my list. I may add some daily for a while. Join me in counting your blessings....let's see what God has done in our lives this year. I would love to hear your blessings. Please feel free to add them as comments. If we all look at the brighter side and give God the glory for what He has done for us, how could we not find JOY in this life!

My blessings.....
1. 22 years with my best friend! These 22 years were filled with hills and valleys, but every one added to the love that we have. I wouldn't trade any of them.....even the bad ones. They have made us who we are now and brought us to this place together.
2. My 3 beautiful girls....even though they are growing up too quickly, I am so blessed to have them in my life. They have taught me to love unconditionally and to see how God our Father must love us.
3. My new son-in-law! He is a wonderful addition to this family as well as his family. Friends have now become officially family!
4. Our family....having my parents and in-laws living near us has added to the stability of our family. I am blessed with sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws that I really enjoy being with. I love my in laws as much as my parents. We also have grandparents, aunts and uncles to add to the extended family we enjoy.
5. Our jobs....though they are not ever going to make us rich, they are steady and good jobs that help us provide what our family needs.
6. Our friends....God has blessed us with so many good Christian friends. MY COFFEE GIRLS AND SMALL GROUP ESPECIALLY! These friends have held us up in prayer at times when we have needed it the most. They have become even more than friends. They are family too.
7. Our cozy little house....I complain so often about this house being too small, but without the closeness we have had in our "cozy" home we might not be as close as we are as a family. Our home keeps us warm and safe. We have raised our babies here and shared most of our married life together under this little roof.
8. My church family
9. My Road family
10. Our health
11. Lower gas prices
12. Reconnecting with friends through Facebook and Myspace (yes, I know this is crazy, but it is a great way to catch up with friends you have lost touch with.)
13. Christmas lights on an artificial tree
14. A crazy dog that keeps us giggling
15.

Okay, so that's the list so far. I'm not finished but for tonight that will get us started. I would love to hear your thankfulnesses. Let's look at the glass half full together!

22 years....

Yes, today I have celebrated 22 years with my best friend. So many years ago we made this vow, this commitment to love each other through every hill and valley and today we are still learning how much we love each other. We spent the day with friends that helped us make it this far along our road together. It has been a quiet, peaceful day with simple activities that allowed us to just spend time together. Truth is that is what I want most. This has not been the easiest journey for us to travel but every step of the way, we have learned how much we truly depend on each other. I am blessed to have married my best friend. I'm looking forward to the next 22 years!

Ready to go Skydiving?

I've had a revelation lately. Not really a new one, but it is one that I need to be reminded of quite often. You see, I am one of those people pleasing, rule following, obligated, dedicated, don't want to let anyone down, kind of people. I honestly can't remember the last time I made a decision to do something just because I wanted to do it. Usually I will go along with whatever the plan is because I don't want to rock any boats. I will over-extend myself just so no one feels like I don't care or want to be involved. I hate hurting other's feelings. I've spent my life going through the motions more than living for way too long.

Well, yesterday and today an idea has been bouncing around in my head. It is giving me some freedom. It is letting me off the hook some and allowing me to find a little joy again. You see, I have realized, or been reminded that I don't have to be or do or enjoy what everyone else does to be happy. I don't have to be involved with every activity to make my relationships stronger. I don't have to find happiness in the same places as others. What builds me up, what makes me tick, what feeds my soul is different than others and I don't have to conform to any man made system to get my worth.

I know, deep! But you know, sometimes the pressures of this world and society get so heavy that it is hard to stand up under them. I have been feeling my spirit being pushed further and further down. I have felt a suffocating and heavy burden of expectations on my life. In my desire to keep everyone happy and to be a part of everything going on, I have been sacrificing the most important thing in my spiritual life. I have been sacrificing the time of being still and knowing God. How can I hear His voice or know His plans for me if I am too busy pleasing everyone else and making sure all my items on the check list have been completed? How can I grow closer to Him when my time is spent in activities that may be well worth my time, but are not meant for me to do? Where can I find the joy of my salvation if I am unaware of my gifts and the desires of my heart because I have been too busy just doing what is expected?

Now is the time I need to step back, speak up and take a stand for me. Sometimes the things that I need do need to become important to me. I so often want to care for everyone else that when a dear friend asked me what she could pray for me one day, all I could request was for others. She very kindly but firmly responded with "No, what can I pray for YOU today?" What do I need? What do I want? Where am I headed? Honestly, I can't tell you, but I do know I am planning on finding out.

My life is not bad. I am not having a mid-life crisis or anything like that. I am just coming to a place of realizing that life is short and it is meant to be enjoyed. I've been spinning my wheels, playing the game of life and finding very little joy for myself along the way. Somewhere I lost that desire for the things I loved to do. I forgot what "made me happy" and just went along for the ride. I guess you could say I was living on the sidelines and never being part of the game.

Well, now, I want to play. I want to rediscover what made me happy and what will help me grow. I want to do things that I want to do and not just what is expected of me. If that is being lazy in my house with my fat dog, crazy kids and hubby, then that is what I want to do. If it is climbing a mountain and white water rafting down, then I want to do it. If it is just sipping coffee on a Thursday night with my girls, I want to be totally there. I don't want to be pulled 30 other directions and not live in the moment. Tim McGraw sings a song about living like you are dying. How would we live different if we knew our time was short?

Life is short. James 4 reminds us that we are but a mist that is here for a very short time and then vanishes. During my time in this mist, I want to live. I'm not promised more than that. Today may be it. Did I live today or did I just exist? Time to get this life moving. No more sitting on the sideline. Anyone ready to jump in this game with me? Don't wait too long, today is almost over. Ready....Set.....GO!

Of Lice and Lint....

Yes, I said the "L" word! It is one of those words every mother HATES to hear! However, if you have a child, let's say a girl child, in elementary school, you have probably experienced the dreaded day you hear "I think your child has LICE." First you feel this horrible embarrassment because you know that they are inside thinking, "they really must be dirty people to let lice attack their child's hair." Or worse they are thinking, "what horrible parents they are to not notice their child has a lice problem!" Then there is that sinking feeling of letting the ones closest to you and your child know that they too have been exposed to LICE. And then the horror sets in of what you are going to have to do the next several hours and days to make your home a "clean" home once again. Finally, after all the embarrassment you can think of washes over you your thoughts turn to your poor child who is suffering and will undoubtedly be whispered about at school on Monday.

Well, that just about sums up my day. Not quite, but close. I had spent the better part of the day enjoying a shopping trip with a couple of friends and my oldest daughter. My youngest was gone to a birthday party and my hubby and middle daughter had headed off to the deer lease. It was a great peaceful day and I was looking forward to a quiet evening at home with just my baby girl and I. We would watch a couple of movies, snuggle up on the couch and maybe have some hot cocoa. So I thought that was how my day would end.

I got the call about 3 p.m. from the mother of the birthday girl. We were going to meet between 3 and 4 to transfer children and bags to go home with their moms. She called to let me know they were on their way and then she said....."By the way, when they were going to fix you baby's hair at the salon today, they noticed she had nits (aka lice eggs). They wouldn't do her hair and they had done all the other girls' hair. We had to leave and go to another place to get their nails done because they would not let us stay at the salon." Yep, that was how I found out! Horrified for my child and for the mother who was responsible for her that day. Horrified that she had spent the night at her house the night before and spent all day with 4 other girls. Horrified that my baby was embarrassed and that the other girls would tell their moms as soon as they got home. Heartbroken as I thought of my baby girl and the sadness she must be feeling.

We rushed back to town and I picked her up. I inspected her hair and sure enough, there they were! She looked so sad and so down. I hated every moment of it, especially when I confirmed it was the horrible "L" word and not just dandruff as we had hoped. My baby suffers from dry scalp and dandruff and we had noticed she was having a problem with it and had been treating her for that. We thought the itching was in response to the dryness of her scalp. I had even looked at her head just a couple of days before to make sure I had not missed something. I saw nothing. Now today, her head was covered. She has the thickest hair of any child I know and I knew the night of peace and calm were now a distant dream.

Off to the drug store and home to the sink to wash her hair. We stripped the beds and bagged the toys and put them in storage for the next 3 weeks. Her precious monkey and pillow will now be bagged for weeks and she will learn to sleep without them for a while. She is heartbroken all over again because her best buddy, Allie the Monkey, will not be at her side and her pillow her daddy gave her is forbidden to sleep with her. Tears flowed way to easily and too frequently from my girl. Embarrassed, sad, heartbroken and now facing a night of treatments to kill the pesky critters that have spun her world upside down for a few days.

I don't know what I would have done tonight without my oldest daughter and her hubby. They came to our rescue and never complained an ounce. We have washed so many loads of laundry and cleaned the lint trap a million times! Every bed and pillow had to be stripped and washed. All towels and clothing that she had come in contact with had to be washed and dried. Every place she could have laid had to be vacuumed and thoroughly cleaned.

Because of her very thick hair, we had to do two treatments on her little head. She really was a trooper. She was so tired from the slumber party the night before and from all the day's events and now she was being put through several washings and dryings of her hair as well as a strand-by-strand inspection of each hair follicle. Let me tell you, she has many. And to think God has numbered each one of them!!!! I wish I had had His help in cleaning each one tonight!

It's after 11 p.m. and I have finally sat down for the night. I have a load in the washer and the dryer. I have several other normal loads to get done, but at least one more of sheets and towels. Tomorrow I will do another check of her hair. We will buy new ponytails and a new hair brush. We will look for new headbands and try to make her feel special after feeling so down. In a week we will go through the whole process again and have to reinspect every inch of her hair as well as rewash pillow cases, sheets and comforters again. Yes, you have to do it a second time to make sure nothing has reinfested.

This was not the night I had planned. I found myself being upset with whoever let their child go to school and expose my child to this critter. I could not believe any parent would allow that to happen. And then, I realized, I am that parent! I did the same thing. I have allowed my child to expose at least 4 other children that I am aware of. Who knows how many more! The embarrassment I feel is great. I did call each mom of the girls and let them know to be on the look out. They do at least know us and know we are "clean" people. Hopefully they will not have a problem with the critters as we did. Hopefully they will forgive us for bringing this around them. Hopefully I will be a better mom and notice things more quickly in the future. I hate so much that my baby has suffered this humiliation and pain. Somehow I have to make it up to her. Somehow I have to help her through this. Somehow we will get over this milestone and move one. I really had thought that my baby girl would not have to go through this as my other two had many years ago. I guess it is just part of growing up and being around other kids.

A day in the life....of a college bound parent....

What a day! It started at 3:45 a.m. The alarm went off and we started our day headed to Abilene. Yes, we headed out by 4:30 and drove and drove and drove. It was another college preview day. Another day of seeing where my baby girl may spend the next 4+ years of her life. Another day of finding out how much this dream will cost her, and us. Another day of meeting new people and checking out the surroundings.

I enjoyed the ride west. It was dark most of the time but I didn't sleep. Whether nerves or a bug, my stomach was just not feeling right. After several doses of medicine and some bread to settle it, I did start feeling better. The drive was nice though. We got to try out our new truck which though it does not get as good of gas mileage as my car, did a great job. We traveled in a line of other trucks headed the same direction and we made it there in "record" time. Driving in West Texas is a lot different than driving around here! We got to see the sunrise and welcome what has been a wonderful day. It was beautiful to see the rocks glow in the West Texas sun. Tonight we also got to see the glow of the evening sun as we drove east back home.

My daughter slept a good part of the way there and back. Okay....almost the entire way...both ways! Hubby and I had some time to visit, but mostly we listened to music and just enjoyed the ride. It had been a long time since I had been to Abilene. We even got to take the scenic route through town since we took the business route through town instead of staying right on the interstate. We had to try to follow our directions in reverse order to find our way backwards through town. It was fine, we found it and had time to spare.

This time our visit was a bit more comforting than the last visit we made. This campus immediately felt more secure for my baby to go to. We were welcomed and escorted everywhere we went. No chance to get lost! That was great! We had student greeters sit with us and visit for a while. They filled us in on some of the events, discussed my daughter's future plans with her, and gave some advice. It was very warm and inviting. Before we began the session officially, we prayed for God to be with us all. Everyone involved asked for our Father in Heaven to guide our day and our decisions for the future of our children. It was a nice change from the colleges I have visited before.

Several sessions later.....after the financial aid session, the department of choice session and a little fun, we headed to lunch. Wow! I won't worry about my child finding good food to eat! It was pretty amazing....especially for college food! Then we headed to the info booths for a chance to visit with department heads and get some personal advice. Finally, the tour of the campus. We walked and walked and walked! We decided to skip the football game that we were invited to and head back East after a little tour of the city of Abilene. I am so glad we did. I'm not sure we could have made the drive home if we had stayed much longer. We are worn out! But it was still all good.

We are not finished with previewing campuses. We have another university in this college town to visit before we make any final decisions. We also would like to go visit this one again with an admissions counselor at our side. This one really has the degree we are looking for, but we are stilling waiting to see what financially we can do.

So, what's next.....another visit to the websites to see when we need to schedule the next visits. Another visit to the sports med/athletic trainer site to find other colleges with a similar degree plan. Two applications are complete and we wait to hear from the colleges. And then......decision time......

This is an exciting time for all of us. We watched some first time college parents wander around wide-eyed and nervous and others, like us, who knew a little more this time than we did our first time around. I was not near as emotional, but I assure you that will come. This one will be difficult to let go. I'm not sure why it feels like it will be so hard. Maybe because with Ash I knew she would never be too far from me. No matter what, I knew she would still need me in some capacity. But this one......Miss Independent.....this one will take off and fly and I know she will not need me as much. I know I am really letting her go. I know she will take hold of this adventure and really go...... Miss will probably find her Mr. in this next adventure. Someone we don't know! Someone who may take her away from us for good and move her more than 3 hours away! Who knows where God will lead her.....across oceans, south of the equator, who knows! I just know, this is when she will really find who God wants her to be.

So, the next few trips will be coming soon and I'm sure this won't be my last long day driving across Texas and back. I think now, I am going to rest, put my feet up or just simply go to sleep. Another day is quickly approaching and I need to be ready!

My Girls....

I know you are thinking this is another one of those posts about my daughters. Yes, they give me a lot to write about. But tonight my girls are my girlfriends. I am so blessed to have an accountability group of girlfriends that truly are gifts from God in my life. These girls are such an inspiration to me. Here and only here do I find a way to be truly honest and open with my feelings and struggles. These sisters are there to encourage, rebuke and spur me on when life gets in the way. They hold me up physically when I can't seem to go on. They lift me up in prayer when life comes pressing down around me. They cheer me up when darkness tries to overcome me. They just simply make me smile.

Tonight I sat with them and we rounded a new corner in our group. Maybe even a new day has begun for us. I see a brightness and light at the end of tunnel that we all have been traveling. When one of us is going through a valley, the rest of us are walking there too, pushing, pulling, cheering and praying the others along the way. Tonight seemed as if we are all starting to climb up again.

Coffee night with the girls is a sacred night. Even my family has figured out that these nights allow me to come home and be a better wife and mother. I become a better friend and teacher. I come home with a new perspective and love of what our Father is doing in our lives. Never doubt that He is in control of how and when things happen. He is in control! We discover this each time we come together and share our lives. We see how His mighty hand has brought us together to fill in the gaps for one another. We continually find ways we are connected and how God must have known we would need each other. I stay amazed at how we have become this little sisterhood of friends.

The Coffee Girls.....one of my greatest blessings!

A Day in History....

The election is over and the votes have all been counted. No matter how you voted or how you feel about the outcome of the election, you have to admit that we are seeing history in the making. It is a momentous occasion in the history of this country!

The history teacher in me and the woman in me that has sorrow for the way our country has treated its own in the past is jumping up and down at the idea that we have broken a barrier that has been very strong for over 200 years. I look at this day with mixed feelings, but am proud to see our democratic system really take over. More people than ever have voted in this election and we have our first African American President! That is something that just 20 years ago, I would not have thought would be possible. Look at the possibilities that this offers. We could really have a woman president some day....maybe a Hispanic American president. Just to see that our nation overwhelming looked beyond the stigma of color and chose a president that was not just like all the others.

I see this day as a step in history. For so many years color has played such a strong role in choices we have made. Whether on purpose or not, the race of a person has often guided decisions. Today's generation does not see the color of a person as much as they see the heart of a person. My daughter has taught me this. I have grown up somewhere between two totally differing mind sets and find myself often torn between them. Leave it to my girls to push me more in to seeing as God would see......color blind. I have often "talked the talk" but I am learning that "walking the walk" is not as easy. It makes me step back and evaluate my ideas and my beliefs. It makes me look at the world I want to live in one day and have to decide how to live to see that world come about. I'm sure that my decisions and choices will not always be understood or even accepted by some, but I am choosing to believe people, no matter what race, religion, or nationality, are people made in the image of God. They are loved by Him and we are instructed to love them as He loves them.

As this new season in our history begins, I still see promise and hope. Even if I may not be too certain of the party that has gained power I am certain that our democracy is alive and well and in knowing that, I know that our country will continue to be one of the greatest nations. We have a government of the people, by the people and for the people. We are still a nation who pledges to be "One Nation Under God" and "In God We Trust" for our continued prosperity.

History is in the making around us. We are in a generation who sees no bonds of color to restrain dreams. No matter what, a line has now been crossed, that should be crossed and will forever change the face of this nation and the world.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal........"

God bless American....today and forever.

Feel Good Faith.....

Have you ever felt like you just didn't get the "feel good" part of faith? You know, you hear the TV preachers preaching away about how your life can be just so much better if you have a little more faith. All your troubles will go away and you will be the best you that you have ever been if you believe a little harder. You just need to change your way of thinking and life will totally turn around for you. Well, I guess that is not what I have seen in my walk of faith. Sometimes I wonder if I am just doing it all wrong.....

Now before you go thinking I am a little mixed up, let me explain. I do find great strength and peace in knowing and loving my Savior. I have also found great joy in sharing my faith and watching others come to Him and begin their walk of faith. However, it has been far from a bed of roses for many of them as well as for myself. I even think of Paul and his travels while preaching and teaching. He did not always find people to be warm or welcoming. I believe he spent plenty of time running for his life, recovering from being stoned and spending time in jail. Life was not easy because he had faith. Life really became much more difficult in many ways.

The point I guess I am getting to is that when I see or hear people talking about how "fun" and "exciting" having faith is, I wonder what is going on. Again, don't get me wrong....I am excited and happy, but it is not all that being a follower of Christ is about. You can't just base your faith on if you "feel" good about what is going on. Faith has to be strong and steady even when the world if falling apart around you. Faith that is strong has usually suffered through many trials that have helped bring the person to a closer walk and deeper reliance on God. Faith just doesn't "feel" good and make you a super Christian. More than once I have seen "faithful" people fall away when things quit being fun. I have seen involvement in activities drop when people are not feeling like it is exciting to them any longer. Sometimes, faith just doesn't feel good. Sometimes it is hard work. Sometimes, it stretches you beyond your limits and takes you to a place where only God can see you through.

I wish being a Christian meant feel good parties all the time. How nice would that be! No suffering, no crying, no heartache, no loss.....sounds like Heaven to me. However while we live here on this earth that is fallen and sinful, we will not always live in peaceful celebration. I often think of Job. He had a good life. He had happiness. He really had it "all", by the world's standards. Then, it was all taken away. All of it. The parties ended and in their places funerals and mourning took over. Fortunes were loss. Friends disappeared. Children died. Health failed. And then even those closest to him believed he had wronged God and must deserve what he was getting. They even told him to go ahead and "curse God and die." Job had faith. He held on. He wasn't feeling all that good and he sure wasn't celebrating, but he was trusting that God would bring him through the dark days and in to light again. God did......

I watch friends who feel close to God only when things are going right. They only come to church when they feel "uplifted" and when things are clicking along without any controversy. They are cheering on the works and ready for the next big event to celebrate together. But what happens to them when things are not so rosey. When lessons are taught that challenge us and convict us, where do they go? Do they stick with it or walk away to find somewhere else to "feel" good? Where are they when work needs to be done....not just playing, but work?

I wish I could say I had this all figured out. I wish I could say I felt good all the time with my faith. But I can't. I feel a lot. I feel things probably more than others at times. Some people call it a gift, but sometimes I don't feel so gifted. My sensors are often on high and when I see people suffering, I tend to empathise too much with them. Some call it a gift of mercy. I call it being a cry baby. Seriously, I have trouble feeling happy-go-lucky when others around me are struggling. My faith is still strong, but I often don't walk around feeling happy or carefree. I don't stay "peppy" and "joyful" all the time but that does not mean I don't have faith. It just means I am feeling something different.

Feel good faith....yes, there is much to feel good about and to find joy in as we walk this road. But for me, true faith is seen in those who survive the hard times and continue trusting no matter what comes. Believing God to be God and to hold us in His hand even when everything around us tells us life is falling apart is faith to me. It is easy to be faithful in the good times, but when life is upside down, true faith is seen.

Fireproof!

The other night we went out to the movies to see the new movie Fireproof with some friends. I had wanted to see the movie and knew it would be one of those that would really give me something to think about. What I didn't realize was how close to home this movie was going to hit. My husband and I left the movie feeling like we had just watched a rerun of our early years together. It was hard on us both. We left visibly shaken and very quiet. How did perfect strangers really know how to capture the way we had lived and the feelings we had had?

I almost don't want to share this because in many ways we hid those years from most people. Our home life was not what others thought it was. I believe that many knew it was not perfect, but I'm not sure anyone really ever knew the fires we were walking through. I will spare most of the details, but I will say there are very few scenes in the movie that we could not relate to. I wish we had had someone step in and show us how to navigate through those times. Somehow we survived. Somehow we held on. Somehow we walked through the fire to the other side.

One of the songs in the movie talked about the "slow fade" to where they found their marriage. It wasn't a leap from love to distrust or to the despair that they felt. It is a slow and gradual fall. Slowly and almost without warning, you can find yourself and your marriage in a place that you would have never expected. Life takes over and troubles come along. Hurts are encountered and scars are developed. Before you know it, feeling becomes something you can't afford to do. So, instead of feeling, you close off, shut down and then, if pushed, you lash out. At some point the marriage becomes something of a chore and when someone, anyone, gives you attention that you have been starved for, you easily are enticed in a direction that months before would never have crossed your mind. Before you know it, you are so far away from your spouse that you wonder how you ever were attracted to him/her and it becomes harder and harder to find anything to love.

I had gotten to this point. Numbness was about all I felt, except for bouts of anger and bitterness. I'm sure my hubby felt about the same. We really had become two strangers living in the same house. Our two children suffered through these years with us. There is so much we regret about those days. We are blessed that somehow, God had us hold on.

The movie talks about the "Love Dare." I'm not sure I would call what we did a "love dare" but it was probably by sheer determination and a desire to honor our vows that held us together. We were only connected by those vows and I had even wondered if they would hold much longer. Then a gift was given to us as well. We were given an opportunity to work on our relationship with each other, with ourselves and with God. We spent a couple of weekends tearing apart the strings of bitterness and resentment we had toward each other and others. We also had to break the hold that anger had on us because of our own stupid mistakes. We had to allow God to become part of our lives again and to draw us closer to Him and in response to Him, closer to each other.

I wish I could tell you it was a piece of cake at that point.....but it wasn't. Many years have passed from those couple of weekends and there are days that the old tapes of bitterness try to playback. I continually have to play the new tapes and remind myself of where we are now compared to then. The movie was a great reminder of where we had been and how far we have come. God used two weekends to open our eyes and put us on a path to healing, but from there we had to take responsibility and make the effort to continue the healing.

We both have read many books to improve our relationship. Five Love Languages, Every Man's Battle, Every Woman's Battle, Every Heart Restored, The Power of Praying for Your Husband/Wife, and many many more books. We have also taken time to attend workshops and seminars that focus on marriage and how to make it stronger. We learned to give priority to each other. Other than God, we come first in each other's lives. We had to make US a priority over work, children, responsibilities, desires, and duties. WE had to prove again to each other that we were valued. We also had to find support in friends that were not nay sayers. You know the ones that say, "You deserve better. He treats you bad. You should move on." You know they meant well, but what they were really saying was, "Give up, get out, start over!" That just doesn't work well in marriage. Give up is not in my vocabulary and quit sure was not something I felt God wanted me to do. Remember, I had made those vows and by a string they were holding us together until God's timing was perfect and He gave us the opportunity to turn things around.

Fireproofing our marriage has been a long process. I won't even pretend we have it all right. I am sure we have many more precautions to take and more to learn about each other. I recommend the movie to anyone and everyone who is married or thinking of getting married. I wish something like it had been around when we were learning to fight fire with fire. I am hoping to read the Bible study and work through the lessons with my man as we continue to grow closer to each other and closer to God. The key thing I think I have learned and been reminded of through this movie is that we can NEVER quit learning to love and learning to forgive.

If your marriage is valuable to you, you must learn how to fireproof it! The fires will come! Be prepared and "never leave your partner behind." Make a vow that can not be broken that you will hold tight to each other and never give up. Sometimes it takes just one person in the relationship to decide to make it work. Sometimes you have to hang on when it seems that there is nothing left to give you any hope. Sometimes, you just have to have faith that God will do more than you can ever dream or imagine. I look back now and I can't believe where we were and where we are now. God, in the middle of any relationship, can make it more than you can ever believe it can be. Trust Him.....with every bit of your relationship. He is faithful......

Changing Colors.....

We got up really early this morning and drove to College Station. We were headed there for the "Game Day Workshop" for prospective students. We have a daughter wanting to go there next year. Anyhow, we drove for about 3 hours in the early morning hours to be there by 7:30. We had wanted to go down last night and stay overnight, but when I started searching for a room, I soon found out that since TAMU was playing Texas Tech, ALL the hotel rooms were totally booked. It seems almost the entire state of Texas had converged on this college town.

We made it to our destination on time, no thanks to a parking attendant that could not give us directions to our assigned parking lot. We were not alone. There were several of us, parents with their children, coming to this college town to check out where our children might spend the next four years of their lives. We quickly formed a pack of moving bodies traveling down a long walkway, across busy streets and around tailgaters already setting up their game day feasts. We followed the signs and found ourselves in a sea of maroon and welcoming "howdies." We gathered together in a large lecture hall and watched a presentation on applying for TAMU while also learning some fun trivia facts of the college. After a few question and answer sessions and a little more in depth help, we were finished.....only ONE hour after we had arrived! We drove 3 hours, sat for one hour, then we were finished. With a full day left to enjoy, we headed out to see the town.

When we arrived, the place was just starting to wake up, but by the time we left, there was a wave of maroon flooding the city. Every now and then we would see a spot or two of red, but mostly the proud home team colors. We headed to one of the favorite shirt shops to get a new t-shirt or two and to support our daughter's future home. There we found even more fans buying items to support the team and to make their support known to all around.

There was a lot of pride in those colors. You immediately knew where they stood. You immediately knew if they were for you or against you. One thing I noticed was that the colors were not just for the young college students, but they spread to the much older and even the very young. Parents and grandparents who had passed down their traditions to their children were there as well. Even future generations were decked out in their parents' team colors. A whole city of tradition and pride was coming alive.

One thing that was very evident was that no matter whether the team was having a winning or loosing season, the fans were loyal. VERY LOYAL! Their pride and their dedication did not waiver. They stayed steady, no matter what troubled season was ahead. They were there to support and cheer on even the most struggling of players. They were behind their team! I had never quite understood this loyality I had seen from friends who had attended this university, but today it was obvious. This was a family event! A great big family!

It got me thinking about our commitments. In today's world it is easier to just choose a different team to support than to stick by our loyalties. We see this in our constant desires to have the newest and best of everything. If the car gets a rattle, we trade it in for a newer model. If our house is not as nice as our friends, we go in deeper debt to have what is seen as good by today's standards. If our spouse is not making us happy any longer, we find someone or something else to make us happy. Rather than stick with what we have and working to improve it, we just move on to what we think will make us happier. When we get dissatisfied, instead of working through the problem, we move on and start over. We trade one shirt for another!

I really don't understand this. I have always been taught to be loyal, whether that is my physical family, my spiritual family, my school or my community. You just don't give up on people. You work through your problems. You talk them out and figure out how to get along. You stick with each other through winning seasons and loosing. Maybe instead of wearing our colors we need to be wearing our name. Being like Christ does not allow us to give up on others. It does not allow us to judge and condemn others for not being like us. Just imagine if we wore our name like those fans wore their colors, there would be no mistaking which side we were on. Whether old or young, rich or poor, intelligent or naive, if our pride would fall and we would unite under just one name....Christ's name...imagine what we could do. What an impact on the lives of others we would be! Instead, we let our loyalties fall and our pride get in the way and we loose the influence we once had. One t-shirt I saw even stated as much, a house divided will not stand. We can't just trade shirts. No one in that crowd would have changed to a red shirt the minute their team started loosing! Not a single one of them.

The colors I saw today came from every direction, every walk of life, and every age group. Some were absorbed in their memories of days gone by and excited about what new things would come. Others were experiencing this game day for the first time. And then others, like us, were on the outside, looking in and being amazed at the unity of spirit these people had for their team. It even made us aware of why so many desire to become part of this family. A family united behind the same goal. Some gave up much to be part of the day. Some walked miles to attend. Some camped all night and others rose early to drive many hours. All had one common cause, to cheer and support their team while being united in front of all that would see them.

Less than enough.....

Confession time. I am struggling. I don't know why today it is hitting me but I feel this old anxiety coming back. For some reason I find myself feeling inferior. I feel that I am going to be overlooked, mistreated and will get the "short end of the straw" once again. I often find myself feeling like everyone around me is getting some great reward while I am being overlooked. I have this fear of being left out. I don't know why this is such a struggle for me. Most of the time I can talk myself in to not caring. I convince myself that I am fine with just what I have. I don't need to be the best or the first or the most admired or honored. I am just fine being just simple little ol' me. Then this feeling creeps back in. It is like being that little kid that says, "he got more than me" "she always gets to go first" "I never have enough." and so on and so on. UGH....I hate this feeling and tonight it is just bouncing all through my head.

We have some things happening within our larger family and the more the talk goes on about what will happen, the more it seems that we need to maybe speak up and "get our piece of the pie." I don't play that kind of game. I always expect people to see what is fair and right and to do it, but too often I find that is not the case. I just see this situation happening with us being not taken care of like everyone else. That in it self has set my insecurities swirling around me. When the dust settles, will we be the loser or the winner. I would settle for just being treated equally with everyone else, but settling for being treated as less is not okay with me.

I wonder where this feeling has come from. Was from being the oldest of 3 and watching my younger siblings get attention that I wanted? Was it living through hard times and always having to share and skimp and stretch to make things work? I'm not sure where it comes from, but I wish I was feeling that I was enough. I wish I could believe that justice would be served and we would be treated fairly. I'm not feeling confident and I am sick of feeling less than equal to others. I really do want to get my piece of the pie. I really do want to win if possible, but at least tie. I don't want to be the dumb one, the less valuable one, or the second thought any longer. I really want these feelings to go away.

Sorry to be such a bummer tonight, but my emotions are running wild. I need to figure this out and I was hoping this would help, but as of right now, it isn't. Any advice??? I'm needing it.....

Family treasures....

I know I've already written once today, but I have to share some excitement from this week. Really it started last week. I got to spend the day with a few friends searching through piles of dishes and antiques from the past at First Monday. We had a blast. One thing I found that day were several dishes from a collection that my mother and Granny had started for me years ago. I was so excited. Mixed in with all these cast offs of dishes from other people's lives were a few pastel saucers and cups. When I saw them I knew they were part of these old rare dishes, LuRay, that my mother had started for me. I bargained with the older man for the cups and saucers and as I was told by another dealer down the road, "I stole them" for the price I paid. This other man was not near as generous in coming down off his prices. I left that day with 4 new cups, 1 saucer, and 4 new plates for my collection. I was so excited.

My friends teased me that I could probably find all I wanted of these dishes on eBay. I had never even looked on eBay before. I thought surely they were mistaken. These rare, antique dishes, if they could be found on eBay would surely be too expensive for me to even think of buying. I was so wrong. I am so addicted to bidding now on these dishes that give me a glimpse in to the past and make me feel a little connected to my grandmother. I have won several bids and should be getting my new prizes this week. I have gladly spent my birthday money adding to my collection.

Yesterday, while at my parents house for my birthday lunch, we began discussing my treasures. Mom reminded me of how the collection was started. My grandmother had given me the few flower plates and saucers that she had. My mother had started finding the pastel, antique dishes in estate sales for me to use with Granny's dishes. It was one of the many things they both did to add to my "hope chest" when I was a teenager.

When I first married, we received many gifts of dishes to begin our new life together and my antique dishes were boxed up and stored for when we would have room to display them. Then Mom and Dad moved and they were boxed and stored in the attic. A few years back, my dad found a box of dishes and brought them to me. I was so excited to have them again. However I knew it could not be all of them. I remembered a much larger collection, but my dad assured me that that was all he had found. So, I began my treasure hunting. Anytime I could find a piece here or there, I would buy it if possible.

Then yesterday, while telling my mom about my treasure hunting and bidding on eBay, she reminded me again that we had a larger collection somewhere in the attic. She was sure of it. So, to the boxes Dad and I went. It didn't take long to find his neatly stacked and labeled RubberMaid containers with my name on them. Inside one of them was a large box with "Denise's dishes" written on it. On the side....LuRay was written. It was such a reward. Such a wonderful gift. It was as if my grandmother was giving them to me all over again. Her plates and the ones my mother had collected, filled the box. My collection grew greatly yesterday. Platters, plates, bowels, saucers, cups, and other speciality pieces. Such a collection! I know what I paid for the few pieces I have bought in the last two weeks. I could make quite a bit of money with the collection I now have, though it would not by any means make me rich. However, the value is not in the dishes for me, but in the memory of my grandmother. Even to many others, these dishes would not mean much. They really are not any thing special to look at. Simple pastel colors and simple design, simple dishes.

I've often been compared to my Granny by my dad....and my mom. Strong willed, opinionated, fiercely loyal, protective and a bit hot headed, expect things to be done as we desire, and believe we are to be respected. Okay, I see the resemblance. I also know we are both simple people who love others and love our family. We are huggers. We don't expect to ever be rich or to be popular, but we desire to be loved.

Even though my Granny has been gone for over 23 years, she is still a part of me. Her dishes were a simple reminder of who she was, but they also remind me of who I am. I will continue to search for more to add to my collection. With each one's simple beauty, I will remember the simple woman my grandmother was. I will remember the strong but delicate woman who loved powerfully and who always let you know that you were everything to her. What a gift she gave me again. It was a great birthday!

My next 40 years....I'm gonna have some fun!

Today has been a great day! A day off from work/school, sleeping in, breakfast in bed and coffee too, watching movies in my pjs and enjoying a lazy day with my girls. Yep, it has been a great day! Oh yea, and it was my birthday.

I try not to think about my birthday much. You know, it means I am getting OLDER, but when I think of the alternative, having another birthday isn't such a bad thing. It means I have spent another year with my girls and my hubby. Oh and what a year this has been!

I was thinking earlier about the next 41 years. I do plan to be around that much longer....if God wills it. I look back and think about the life we have lived. Nineteen years with my parents and almost 22 years with my hubby. I have my three beautiful daughters and my new son-in-law. I have a home that is cozy and warm in the winter, cool in the summer. I have vehicals to get us around. I have healthy children and my own health is good. My job is secure, our fianances are okay. We have our parents and our friends. Life is good. We are blessed. I feel very blessed and I look forward to what the years ahead will bring.

I do plan to take life a little less seriously and have a little more fun. I love Tim McGraw's song..."My Next 30 Years"....well, I am saying, my next 40 years. I am looking forward to what lies ahead. I can't wait to meet all the people God will bring in to my life. Friends I have not yet known, old friends that may return, the hope of grandchildren and future son-in-laws. Christmases filled with laughter and joy.

I also know of the heartaches that will come too. Over the last few years, I have watched some of those touch-stone people in my life leave this world and move on to their reward. I know those events will continue as I grow older. Those people who have made their mark on my life will soon leave me to carry on without them. I'm trying to only look forward with joy and gratfulness though I know there will be days of hardships and pain. I pray for my next 40 years to be a filled with love and happiness as these last ones have been. I pray that I allow God to guide my steps and tender my words. I ask that He guard my health and my mind. I pray He will continue to bless me with wonderful friends and with a happy marriage. I ask that He protect and guide my children as they become adults and to protect and strength my parents as they too grow older.

My next 40 years....This is my theme song....some words have been changed to fit me, but I think you will get the message. Enjoy your life. Live today. Let go of the past and have a little fun.

I think Ill take a moment, celebrate my age

The ending of an era and the turning of a page

Now its time to focus in on where I go from here

Lord have mercy on my next 40 years

Hey my next 40 years Im gonna have some fun

Try to forget about all the crazy things Ive done

Maybe now Ive conquered all my adolescent fears

And Ill do it better in my next 40 years

My next 40 years Im gonna settle all the scores

Cry a little less, laugh a little more

Find a world of happiness without the hate and fear

Figure out just what Im doing here

In my next 40 years

Oh my next 40 years, Im gonna watch my weight

Eat a few more salads and not stay up so late

Drink a little lemonade and not so many DR PEPPERS

Maybe Ill remember my next 40 years

My next 40 years will be the best years of my life

Raise a little family and hang out with my HUBBY

Spend precious moments with the ones that I hold dear

Make up for lost time here, in my next 40 years

In my next 40 years

18 years.....

The other day I was cleaning up around the house and my eyes settled on our collection of hair bows. We have a nice size collection. We have a bow for every color and style. There are the Disney character bows, the lace and satin bows, the silly/frilly bows and the ones that were worn in various weddings and special events. I even have this wonderful hanger for them all to clip on neatly. Organized by color and style with memories attached to each one. However, what caught my eye that day was the dust that has settled over this collection. It was yet another reminder that my baby girls are all growing up too fast.

Ash and Chels both loved to wear the bows. Tara, on the other hand, was not a "bow" girl. I remember one time when our little t-ball team was choosing their uniforms and some moms wanted to make pink and navy hair bows for the girls to wear in the games. When Tara heard the word hair bow, she wrinkled up her noses and said, "Hair bow! You don't wear hair bows in baseball! I want a cap!" That was my baby girl. Tough through and through and knew from the beginning what she wanted. Strong-willed child...that's my girl.

18 years ago tonight, I was about to give up on her ever getting here. I had been in labor for over 12 hours and that was after being induced because she was already two weeks late. I should have known what kind of stubborn streak she would have from the beginning. Today is the day I remember more than her actually birthday. Today was the day 18 years ago that changed my life. She was born 30 minutes in to the next day, but this day was the day I learned what laboring for love was all about.

Tomorrow we will celebrate 18 years with our baby girl. These have been the fastest 18 years of my life. When Tara became part of our life, she turned this newly wed couple with a baby in to a family with two children. She was born at a time in our lives that we had not yet figured out how we were going to live our lives. She brought a kind of settling in to our world, but at the same time, she brought more excitement than we were really ready for.

I can't remember how many trips to the hospital we have made with her. The picture of nurses...yes SEVERAL nurses trying to hold her down to start an IV in her little arm at the age of 3 and her fighting with every bit of energy she had to stop them, will never fade from my memory. Again, seeing her being surrounded by a staff of doctors and nurses trying to do a spinal tap on her when we learned she had meningitis and having to sign releases to allow them to administer the medications necessary to treat her still haunt my memories. MRI's, x-rays, crutches, asthma attacks, and most recently, long nights on the bathroom floor wiping her forehead and holding her hair are some of the few times she allowed her guard to be down. My baby has always been tough and strong and determined, but her heart has always been kind and merciful and loving. What a beautiful young woman she has become!

Tomorrow I will face the realization that she too will be leaving me soon. A few months from now we will celebrate her graduation and prepare to send her off to college. My baby girl, now a young woman, will be seen as an adult, able to make her own decisions and choose the path her life will take. She will meet new people, date boys I have never met, and eventually bring someone special home to meet us. I can't help but wonder if we have prepared her for what lies ahead. Have we loved her enough? Let her stumble and recover on her own enough? Shown her God's mercy and grace enough? Taught her His ways? Have we been the parents she needed?

My baby girl, 18 tomorrow. Where did the time go? Oh how I wish I could have a few of those moments back to cherish and hold on to. But tomorrow, we will celebrate the young woman she has become. My mountain climbing, deer hunting, truck driving, soccer playing, athletic training, stubborn, hard-headed, beautiful, kind, tender-hearted, spirited, and God fearing baby girl! What a JOY these 18 years have been......

4 a.m.

Two loads of towels, both bathroom floors scrubbed, two girls in my bed, husband moved to couch and me, still running between my two sick children. Oh the joys of motherhood! Really it started about 12:30 a.m. I heard that awful sound of my child crying my name in the middle of the night. It amazes me how quickly you can wake up from a dead sleep when your child needs you. No sooner had I gotten the baby girl cleaned up and settled in our bed then I heard her older sister cry out. I knew this was not going to be a normal night. Just as I settled in to rest on the little couch, I heard the whole thing start over again. "Momma!" and up I jumped and ran to the back to find both girls again, suffering through their pain.

Oh how I wish I could take it away for them! I hate seeing them suffer knowing there is really nothing I can do but hold their heads in my hands and wipe their faces. I can gently rock them make sure they have cool rags on their faces, and be ready for the next round.

So, I have sat at my computer for the last little bit and typed out lesson plans and emailed them to friends to give to my sub. I hope they find a sub for me! I've debated on how I could run to the school and make sure everything is set up for the kids so the day will run smoothly, but just as I think I can rest, I realize, sleep is not in the cards for me tonight. I will not be going to school. If I am lucky, I will catch a nap sometime today if my girls are feeling better and resting.

The older daughter is determined to go to school even now as she lays in the bathroom floor because if she misses she will loose her exemptions for her finals. It makes me angry to think that she will put herself through driving to school and sitting through at least one class and then go to the doctor to find out she has a virus just so she won't loose her exemption. What a messed up policy! She will expose who knows how many others to her germs because she knows she has to be there for at least 30 minutes to be excused with a doctor's note. But right now, she can't, or won't, even get back in bed for fear of another mad dash to the bathroom.

It reminds me of all those days and nights I laid on that same bathroom floor when she was waiting to be born. Actually, I did that with all three of my girls. At least four months of sickness while they grew warmly and safely inside. What I wouldn't do or go through for my precious girls! What I wouldn't do to save them from the same pain and suffering! Right now, I am just hoping the worse for tonight is behind them and rest will come soon.

5 a.m., Hubby's alarm is going off. Morning is just around the corner. I'll wait until I can call in and request a sub and then, hopefully then, I will find some time for sleep.

Merry-go-round......

Up and down, round and round....here we go again. There are those things that in life seem to never change. I don't understand it sometimes. Why is it that when we pray so fervently for God to intervene in the lives of those we love that we still don't see that change happen? We plant the seeds, water the seeds, pull the weeds, and continue doing what we know we should do, but yet, it seems like those prayers are not answered.

Most of you know, without my going too detailed, that one of my family members has major struggles in life. In respect of those closest to him, I will not mention the name, but I will tell you he is dearly loved. Everything that could be done to help him, has been done, yet he continues to choose the path that leads him in to trouble. I have watched those who care the most do everything in their power to help him. I know they have prayed daily for God's intervention as have I, but we have yet to see His divine hand intervene. How long oh Lord???? How long does his family have to ride this never ending ride of ups and downs? When can the circle of events stop so that we can rest? Can you hear our pleads? Are you listening? Are you there? Why has he not been saved from this pit he is in? He is loved. He is wanted. He is precious to so many, so why can't he see it? Why can't he stop this cycle of pain that we, his family, go through? That he goes through.....

As I learned tonight again of his misadventures that have led him in to a deeper level of the pit, my heart aches for him, but for his loved ones even more. They have given so much. They have cried so many tears. They have sought God's guidance and His people for help. They have all but given up. When all else has failed, they have continued to love.

I have a friend that would tell you that he is very lucky. She has longed for parents that would accept her with all the mistakes she has made. She has pleaded for their unconditional love and tried to make them see she is trying to do her best, yet they don't even acknowledge her existence any longer. And then here is my family member, who has been given all the unconditional love and forgiveness imaginable and he just seems to stomp on it like it is worthless.

And so the ride continues....some days up, some days down, but no matter what we are still going round and round in this vicious circle of destruction, abuse, and sadness. I pray we can get off this ride before it is really too late for any of us to feel anything but pain.