I've got to get off this ride!

So, I really wanted to focus on the positive. I have wanted to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I have been trying to find joy in each day in God's creation. However, it has gotten more difficult.

I wrote a while back about this merry-go-round that my family is riding. Ups and downs but alway around and around. It seems we can never get off. It seems that we are doomed to ride this ride forever. I don't even dare catch hold of a bit of hope because as soon as I do, something snatches it away.

I'll just get open and honest here. My mom opened the door a few weeks ago and now I feel I can talk a bit more freely of our struggles. We are a family who struggles daily with a meth addict. My brother has brought us to a place none of us would have ever dreamed of being. After another night of "dealing" with the effects of the drug, I would like to share some of what we face. My part is so small compared to what my parents deal with daily. I can not imagine walking in their shoes and I pray I never will.

As the sister of an addict, I am helpless. I see the situation from such a different perspective. But as a mother, I step back and try to imagine if it were one of my girls....what would I do? What would you do to save your child? Would you show tough love if you knew it would save his life? Would you withhold the safety and security of a home to allow him to finally hit the botton so that he would want to find a way home again? Or would you give up? My parents have done all they have ever known to do....love him, no matter what. But me, the sister, I have to admit I have not been so loving. I have been ready to ship him off as far away as possible to find relief for those I love....and myself.

For the past 10 years and possibly longer, I have lived in the shadows of this addiction. I have watched it take my brother way. Then it removed my other brother from our lives, probably so he didn't have to live so close to it. It has robbed me of my parents and robbed my girls of their grandparents. It has taken the love of "going to my parents' home" away from me. It has kept the dream of living near them away. It has made bitterness swell inside of me to a point of pure hopelessness. It has taken away the ability to celebrate the holidays with our extended family. It has removed joy from every occasion that would bring us together as family. It has also taken the idea of peace and stomped on it.

I never thought I would know as much about drugs as I do today. Watching an addict cycle in and out of high and then a low is not something I thought I would do. Being able to talk an addict strung out and hallucinating back down to a state of calm is not one of the skills I thought I would acquire. Knowing how to treat two parents with high blood pressure and keeping them from stroking out during a drug induced rage that they can neither control or help was not how I thought I would spend my evenings. Knowing the protocal and the trigger words to use when admitting someone to a detox facility and rehab was not part of my educational training. Visiting rehabs, learning about medications, driving faster than imaginable to reach the hospital while holding your brother tightly so he won't jump out of the car were not my idea of family fun. Acknowleding the voices that are inaudible to sober, clean people but scream loudly in my brother's ears and searching for the hidden devices planted by the unknown conspirators that he was certain were there, became lies I would give to keep him calm. I have become ready at a moments notice to drop everything and run to the aid of my parents when the phone calls come. And they always come.....Waching my parents.....brokenhearted, exhausted, frail....collapse in tears for what is lost to them ....will never be my idea of what daughters should do.

No, none of this was ever part of who I thought I would be. My husband, my girls, my friends have watched as my brother has tried to destroy his life and destroy our family, one hit at a time. We are a family, normal middle class, God fearing, flag saluting, hard working family who has been attacked by the evil of this world. I often questioned God as to why He continues to allow this to happen to all of us. Why has He not healed my brother? Why has he not allowed my parents to rest? Why have we had to lose so much as a family when so much of our lives have been dedicated to Christ? When will He give us relief? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I do know that God can take these sufferings and make them be to His glory. Any healing, at this point, will only be of God.

Much of this is very raw and fresh tonight so if it is not making sense, I apologize. This is really for me to process. I fear I will not be as honest as I may need to be to get through this. For now this is the only kind of writing I am feeling I can do....nothing inspirational or insightful....just journaling for now. Please keep us all in your prayers. This road will be a long one we must travel. We have to find a way to get off the merry-go-round!