I have a friend who's brother is getting married this weekend. She is so excited. She is part of the wedding and watching them prepare for this day has been wonderful. She showed me pictures of them as children. They were so cute. The thing I really noticed was what buddies they seemed to be. They obviously enjoy spending time with each other now and they seemed to also enjoy it when they were children.
I've often wondered what that would feel like. Being 6 years older than my closest brother and 11 years older than my baby brother doesn't allow for much bonding. To me, they were more in the way than part of the fun. My baby brother was like my very own real live baby doll, but then he grew up and joined his older brother at annoying me.
I hate that those are the memories I have. I really feel more like an only child or a child from a "previous" marriage than the sister to these two. By the time my youngest brother was 8, I was married. By the time he was 10, I had my first baby girl. We lived in two different times and probably really did grow up in two different homes.
Yes, my parents are the same parents both of my brothers grew up with, but for some reason, we are worlds apart. Whether it is the age difference or the gender gap, I'm not sure, but we are almost strangers in lots of ways. The only thing we really share are our parents. I have so often longed for a relationship with my siblings. I have often felt like the "step" sister of this family. I'm not sure either ever looked up to me. I think I was more of someone in their way to getting to Mom and Dad. I know I was not their friend. Too often I was their "babysitter" and well, they always resented my authority.
I watch my girls grow up together and pray they are different, but in watching my baby girl, who is 10 years younger than her oldest sister, and 8 years younger than her other sister, I see that I have created the same situation in reverse for her. Too often there are arguments over one of her sisters "acting like a mommy" to her instead of a sister. Then there are those times I hear the older girls complain that she is in their way or bothering them. It breaks my heart. I have tried so hard to impress upon my girls that they will always be sisters and owe it to each other to be friends too. They must depend on each other....love each other....care for each other....protect each other and most of all enjoy spending time with one another. I want them to have what I have never had. I want them to know a connection with someone else that goes beyond just blood but to true relationship. I want them to have each other one of these days when they no longer have their parents to hold them together.
I look at the families of my parents and in-laws and see how siblings drift so far from each other after their parents die. Since my grandparents have been gone, my dad's family has slowly slipped out of meeting together at the holidays. My mom's family has begun to break away since my granddad passed, but still try to tolerate each other for my grandmother's sake. My husband's family is just the same. His mom's side only has two sisters who even care to see each other or get together at the holidays and this year is the first year his dad's family has not gotten together for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm sure it is because they only did it to keep their mother happy, but since she is gone now, nothing holds them together.
I have to admit I fear the same fate for my siblings and myself. My parents are our only common bond. When they are gone, I'm not sure there will be much of a family left. As harsh as that sounds, it is true. Right now we don't even take the time to know what is going on in each other's lives. Then you add the differences in lifestyle and beliefs and it becomes near impossible to find any middle ground on which to stand with each other.
I've begun to talk alot about the struggles our family faces. Tonight I felt such anger and resentment towards my brothers that I just had to quit even talking about them for my health sake. I love them and can't stand their ways at the same time. I have to say my baby brother is not the one that triggers so much in me, but his denial of the problems we face and his seemingly disapproval of the actions we must take to protect what is left of our family, irritate me to no end. I wish the feelings I had towards my brothers could be summed up in warm, fuzzy, loving feelings, but that just isn't how I feel. I do love them but that is about all that we have. No relationship. No bonds to tie us together, minus our parents, no connections other than blood. How sad we must be!
I feel so cheated at times. I wanted a brother. I wanted to be a sister. I want to be part of their lives, but no matter what, it just doesn't seem to be meant to be. We lived in two different homes. We grew up with two different parents. We followed different paths that led us each further apart. I'm sure this is were my sense of never belonging comes from. I'm sure this is part of what feeds my insecurities and my loneliness. I know this is where my resentments come from.
I am blessed that God has provided family for me when I did not get them by blood. I have sisters. I have great non-blood sisters who have become for me a replacement in many ways of family. I have 3 daughters, who in many ways are the family I never felt I had as an only girl with much younger brothers. I finally have girls to do girly things with! However, there is an emptiness that seems to never be filled. There is loneliness that is always there. There are hurts that may never be healed. And there are struggles that will continue to be part of my daily life until the bonds that hold us together are severed.
If I do anything worthwhile in this life, I pray that it is to instill in my girls a love for one another and a bond of sisterhood that holds them and their future families together even when we, their parents, are gone. That would be the greatest legacy I could leave....children who love and honor one another and proudly call each other family.
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