Confession time. I am struggling. I don't know why today it is hitting me but I feel this old anxiety coming back. For some reason I find myself feeling inferior. I feel that I am going to be overlooked, mistreated and will get the "short end of the straw" once again. I often find myself feeling like everyone around me is getting some great reward while I am being overlooked. I have this fear of being left out. I don't know why this is such a struggle for me. Most of the time I can talk myself in to not caring. I convince myself that I am fine with just what I have. I don't need to be the best or the first or the most admired or honored. I am just fine being just simple little ol' me. Then this feeling creeps back in. It is like being that little kid that says, "he got more than me" "she always gets to go first" "I never have enough." and so on and so on. UGH....I hate this feeling and tonight it is just bouncing all through my head.
We have some things happening within our larger family and the more the talk goes on about what will happen, the more it seems that we need to maybe speak up and "get our piece of the pie." I don't play that kind of game. I always expect people to see what is fair and right and to do it, but too often I find that is not the case. I just see this situation happening with us being not taken care of like everyone else. That in it self has set my insecurities swirling around me. When the dust settles, will we be the loser or the winner. I would settle for just being treated equally with everyone else, but settling for being treated as less is not okay with me.
I wonder where this feeling has come from. Was from being the oldest of 3 and watching my younger siblings get attention that I wanted? Was it living through hard times and always having to share and skimp and stretch to make things work? I'm not sure where it comes from, but I wish I was feeling that I was enough. I wish I could believe that justice would be served and we would be treated fairly. I'm not feeling confident and I am sick of feeling less than equal to others. I really do want to get my piece of the pie. I really do want to win if possible, but at least tie. I don't want to be the dumb one, the less valuable one, or the second thought any longer. I really want these feelings to go away.
Sorry to be such a bummer tonight, but my emotions are running wild. I need to figure this out and I was hoping this would help, but as of right now, it isn't. Any advice??? I'm needing it.....
5 comments:
My Dear Friend,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It doesn't feel good to not believe you're valued. We all have so many of those stupid negative tapes, and yeah, we're told what to do with them to make them go away. But the fact, is they don't go away completely, ever. That is just not the way humans are wired, and the enemy plays on that at every opportunity. I can tell you what you already know, that you are the most valued daughter of Our Father. I can tell you what you already know, that even if you were the only person on Earth, He still would've sent His Son for YOU. But, in order for us to know we still need Him at times when we might've forgotten a bit, the enemy has to wreak havoc and cast doubt. He is doing his job knocking you off the highwire so that you can feel the Safety Net there to catch you. None of what I'm telling you will make any difference, because it's already stuff you know. But I can offer my prayers for peace in your heart, for things to turn out for you fairly, and for God to hold you in His arms during this time of confusion for you.
Much love,
dc
Denise:
I too feel this way, having 3 kids at these ages is so hard at times. We try to be "smart' about our money and not waste it. It is hard to see others that are buying new cars, houses, "stuff", trips etc. We can't do those things - we just can't. I have a hard time looking around and saying "I work hard and do all of these things for nothing! Why can't I get those things???? Why do we have to struggle??" Everyone else has more!
In your case it sounds to me that Satan is pulling you in that direction. He wants you to fill bitterness, anger, jealousy, hurt, and depression. DON"T let him win! In the end we will all be judged EQUALLY. God continues to provide for me in ways that I cannot describe. I look around now and see that hey Suzy may have a new car - but her husband is NEVER home. The Jones' get to do that and we can't, - but they are in serious debt.
I think if you look behind your "wants" you will see the blessings of your "needs" being met.
It is so hard in our materialistic world to not care about money and objects - but inthe end is it really all that important?
I hope this helps. I will pray for your struggles!
Love;
Amy
Girls....thank you so much for your sweet words. I am a bit better today, but these thoughts are part of those negative tapes that constantly come back and play loudly at the most unexpected times. I am trying to constantly replace them with postive words and truths, but sometimes the world just gets me down. I am such a fairness geek. I think in black and white/right and wrong so much that when I don't see fair treatment happening, it sends me in to a spin. I know life isn't fair. I know we are doing the best we can. I just wish, just once, that we would see and feel the rewards of living right and working hard. Amy, I agree with you. It is hard to see others doing and going and having when we are just barely getting by. I'm not going to let him win. I will continue to fight with truth, but I will tell you I do need your prayers and I thank you both for being there and for listening and encouraging. Love you both....d
Denise,
You and i must've been tuned into the same station growing up cause I own a set of those tapes myself. Its just lies but they sure hurt when we start hearing them. Hang in there and know I love you bunches.
Kerrie
Denise,
You know I listen to those same tapes all too often, but when I stop to think about all the blessings that I do have---they seem to quiet down. God has blessed me so much over the last few years that I don't even recognize the old me. I pray that you to will receive God's best blessings. He knows what is best and we have to trust that His ways are best! We also have a guarantee that any unfair treatment will be handled by God in the end. I have looked at your wonderful family with envy in the past. No it is not always easy, but you are a very special lady and you are loved dearly. Cherish what you do have and leave the rest to God. My prayers and blessings are with you.
love you,
Connie
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