I've had a revelation lately. Not really a new one, but it is one that I need to be reminded of quite often. You see, I am one of those people pleasing, rule following, obligated, dedicated, don't want to let anyone down, kind of people. I honestly can't remember the last time I made a decision to do something just because I wanted to do it. Usually I will go along with whatever the plan is because I don't want to rock any boats. I will over-extend myself just so no one feels like I don't care or want to be involved. I hate hurting other's feelings. I've spent my life going through the motions more than living for way too long.
Well, yesterday and today an idea has been bouncing around in my head. It is giving me some freedom. It is letting me off the hook some and allowing me to find a little joy again. You see, I have realized, or been reminded that I don't have to be or do or enjoy what everyone else does to be happy. I don't have to be involved with every activity to make my relationships stronger. I don't have to find happiness in the same places as others. What builds me up, what makes me tick, what feeds my soul is different than others and I don't have to conform to any man made system to get my worth.
I know, deep! But you know, sometimes the pressures of this world and society get so heavy that it is hard to stand up under them. I have been feeling my spirit being pushed further and further down. I have felt a suffocating and heavy burden of expectations on my life. In my desire to keep everyone happy and to be a part of everything going on, I have been sacrificing the most important thing in my spiritual life. I have been sacrificing the time of being still and knowing God. How can I hear His voice or know His plans for me if I am too busy pleasing everyone else and making sure all my items on the check list have been completed? How can I grow closer to Him when my time is spent in activities that may be well worth my time, but are not meant for me to do? Where can I find the joy of my salvation if I am unaware of my gifts and the desires of my heart because I have been too busy just doing what is expected?
Now is the time I need to step back, speak up and take a stand for me. Sometimes the things that I need do need to become important to me. I so often want to care for everyone else that when a dear friend asked me what she could pray for me one day, all I could request was for others. She very kindly but firmly responded with "No, what can I pray for YOU today?" What do I need? What do I want? Where am I headed? Honestly, I can't tell you, but I do know I am planning on finding out.
My life is not bad. I am not having a mid-life crisis or anything like that. I am just coming to a place of realizing that life is short and it is meant to be enjoyed. I've been spinning my wheels, playing the game of life and finding very little joy for myself along the way. Somewhere I lost that desire for the things I loved to do. I forgot what "made me happy" and just went along for the ride. I guess you could say I was living on the sidelines and never being part of the game.
Well, now, I want to play. I want to rediscover what made me happy and what will help me grow. I want to do things that I want to do and not just what is expected of me. If that is being lazy in my house with my fat dog, crazy kids and hubby, then that is what I want to do. If it is climbing a mountain and white water rafting down, then I want to do it. If it is just sipping coffee on a Thursday night with my girls, I want to be totally there. I don't want to be pulled 30 other directions and not live in the moment. Tim McGraw sings a song about living like you are dying. How would we live different if we knew our time was short?
Life is short. James 4 reminds us that we are but a mist that is here for a very short time and then vanishes. During my time in this mist, I want to live. I'm not promised more than that. Today may be it. Did I live today or did I just exist? Time to get this life moving. No more sitting on the sideline. Anyone ready to jump in this game with me? Don't wait too long, today is almost over. Ready....Set.....GO!
3 comments:
D-
What an inspiring entry! At my church we just finished a series called "one month to live" Your entry just re-enforced that series for me. It is about living passionatly each day! We let "stuff" get in the way of our passions. I encourage you to pray for your passions each morning - let go of the "stuff" and follow God's lead! It will change your life! It is not easy for any of us, but I have learned through this series that it is OK to say NO if it robs your passion! This doesn't mean we don't work, raise our kids, love our hubby's; it is about seeking your inner joy and living like it is your last day! The link is on my blog if you want to do the series online! I encourage you to look at it.
Amy Q
Hey, I hear you Denise. Count me in on the fun. I'll just bet we might be interested in some of the same things:)
Hey, My Friend,
The second paragraph of this post reminded me of something I've read recently. That we each have unique fingerprints, and God made us uniquely, and no one else on earth can do as we do, for we are the only one like us! That is the value in each person - that there is no another single soul just like us. Don't know why for sure that came to mind, but I felt I needed to share it.
Love you!
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