Quilt Pieces....

My grandmother has a stack of quilt pieces put back for when she feels like piecing another quilt together. I have 2 of those quilts already, made from hours of my grandmother piecing together memories of our lives. My blue quilt, as we call it, is complied of precious memories and pieces. The center 3 pieces come from my great grandmother Tarpley. They were scraps from some apron or dress she had. The next several rows are from matching dresses that mom and I wore when I was a baby. The other rows are from various other scraps my grandmother found or saved from some piece of material, mostly from my life and the dresses she made for me. It is a patchwork of memories and love.

The labor and time put in to making my quilt was great. I don't think I ever realized how much it must have cost my grandmother, not financially, but in energy. It is a precious gift. One I did not deserve or even appreciate until recently. My quilt has been well worn. We have snuggled with it during those cold winters and used it to lay our babies on. It has been taken on various camping trips because it would keep us warmer than the average blanket. It is easy to say it has been with us through many moments of our lives. I do wish I had cared for it better. I should have protected it more, since now it shows the wear and tear of time and love.

I started thinking last night as I looked around the room during the memorial service for a dear Christian man, how much the people who have touched my life are like those precious squares that make up my quilt. The memories that I share with the people who have touched my life leave me with that warm feeling, much like my quilt. Each person is a precious piece, placed specifically in my life at the right time and in the right place. Each person has left a piece of them self in the creation of the person I have become. Each person is a part of me, irreplaceable and loved.

I looked at the pieces of my life as I stood there remembering our pasts. Past bible hours. Past JOY buses. Past slumber parties and ski trips. Past piano lessons, past cookouts and campouts. Many memories flooded my mind, filling me with want for those days with all our family together. The good memories and the bad. There were hugs and tears. We caught up on life and there were no imaginary boundaries between us. No miles, or beliefs, no hurts to keep us apart. We were all together again remembering the pieces of our lives and the quilt they had made. How much like heaven this must have been! When we all are together again. How happy and warm it will be! Tears of joy and happiness and no more sorrow and loss. When we can all be together again and sing and worship the King of Kings and Lord of Lords as one voice and one body.

I found myself longing for those days. I started feeling sadness over those relationships that are so far from me now. I even began doubting and questioning the reasons for all the changes that have happened. Then, as I started feeling this loss and sadness, I realized that as precious as those relationships are to my life, what God needs from me is relationship with HIM first. Those people and moments may be past, but my God is still the same. He is still here, calling me in to a closer walk and relationship with Him. That is what is the center piece to my quilt. These past memories and people are not lost because we are quilted together with the center piece, God our Father.

My quilt is full of memories from my past. I can only imagine what lies ahead and what pieces will be added to my memory quilt. I may long for the old and remember with love the days of my youth, but as I saw in a room filled with old and new friends, God has many more beautiful pieces to add. Each piece, each memory, each person that is added to my life, I want to handle with care and patience. I want to cherish the time allowed to us. I know that I need to handle this quilt with care and never let it become tattered and worn. This is a most precious quilt, given to me by my Father, to cover me with His love and warmth.

Standing on the Edge....

I got the most amazing email the other day. It was one of those typical forwards but the title caught my attention. "I wouldn't go swimming there! Would you?" I expected to see sharks or some other dangerous creature swimming around with less than logical people. However the pictures were breath taking. They were of these massive falls, much like Niagara, that are part of Lake Victoria, which I believe is in Africa, but I would have to check my geography. Anyhow, the view was spectacular, but the main point of the email was this, there are shallow pools of water that go right up to the edge. The very edge of the falls. There are rock shelves that hang out over the drop of hundreds of feet of water to the lake below. But in these shallow pools are people. Yes, people. Moms and dads holding their tiny babies. Children splashing and swimming around. One man stood precariously on the rock shelf that jutted out over the falls, leaning forward to take a picture of what laid below. The water was cool, calm, clear, and the most beautiful blue I have ever seen. The spray of the falls just behind the pool gave way to a light rainbow in the mist of water. It was a scene I won't soon forget....thus this blog.

I have often gone back to the images of the falls. Dangerous and powerful, churning and pounding beneath the calm scene above. Did those people know what they were doing? Did they know how close to death they stood? Didn't they see what I saw....beauty, power, and danger? How did they stand or swim so close to the edge of life and not fear the depths below?

I have rolled the thoughts of this scene over and over in my mind. Then the other day, I sat listening to a discussion of how to deal with a church member that had stepped too close to the edge of adultery. As we discussed how to restore gently this person to God, another dear person explained how in her life it had almost happened to her. She recounted without details how one day she found herself near the edge, ready to either step off the ledge or to dive back in to the calmness of the pool. It had been too close to the edge for her. She had had to make a decision....a decision to LIVE according to God's law or to step off the ledge and fall for the lies of the evil one.

I know this place. I've seen it several times. That edge of right or wrong, life or death, hanging on or giving up. How I thank God I have been pulled back, and rescued from my own curiosity and pride when the beauty of the falls have captured my imagination and made me feel invincible to the dangers below.

Those ledges can be anything in our lives that we are tempted by. Is it that drink you want to take, but you know will lead to an uncontrollable need for another? Or it could be that extra pill you take to help you sleep, when you don't want to face the trials of the day. Maybe it is the extra helping of those awesome potatoes that you know will lead to overeating again. Or maybe that relationship that you know you are too dependent on. The one that if you allowed yourself to give in or step a bit forward, you would be lost in it forever. It could be spending more than you make, living above your means. Whatever the addiction, whatever the temptation, is it really worth your life? Standing on the edge is a risky place. One step in either direction can change your life forever. If you are walking on the edge, not choosing the danger of the fall or the safety of the pool, but just walking along the rocky edge, how long do you think you can live? The edge is slippery. The winds are strong, and your footing is not firm. How long before you fall because the beauty and the draw of power take you over?

I don't know if you get this image like I do. So many of us are deceived in to believing we can manage standing so close to the edge. We can swim and play and relax and do like everyone else without loosing our lives. We can enjoy the pool and look over the edge and not be affected by what lies below. The truth is, we can't be safe that close to danger. Danger is lurking and the evil one is just waiting to push you over. As with the man standing out, far out, on the ledge just to get a better look of what was below, all it would have taken for his life to be over is one strong rush of water over the ledge, or one strong gust of wind, just one mis-step and life would be over as he knew it. Are you willing to risk it all for just an ounce of power or a taste of beauty, to swim in the pool that hides the danger just below? I'm not.

Flee from evil, cling to what is right! I stood on this ledge many years ago. A time when I had a choice to make. Step forward and leap off into a different life other than the one that included my husband and children, or turn back, walk, no run, the other direction and embrace the life I had. I don't think we get to the edge of such places quickly. Those small steps in the wrong direction that seem harmless and even beautiful, eventually come to a place of no return. It is a daily walk....a daily struggle to stay on the path that leads to life and not destruction.

If you are near the edge, step back and look around at where you are. Don't be deceived. It is not too late until you decide to take that final step.......

Pieces....

A thousand tiny pieces laying on the floor. Each piece a part of something broken. I had handled it with care. I had made sure that it was well taken care of and in its proper place. I protected it and made sure that all who had contact with it knew its value. But now, here it lays.....a thousand tiny pieces.

Have you ever thought of breaking into tiny pieces? Seriously, I mean falling apart. I have. I had a friend today mention she didn't know how I did it....being a mom, planning a wedding, getting another daughter off to prom, teaching, and simply being me. She said I made it look easy. The funny thing is just 2 days ago I told Mike I thought I was going to break from all the stress.

Holding everything together is not easy. I really feel that all it would take is one more crack and I will shatter. There are so many pieces to me. So much that people don't see or know. Yes, there are the mom and wife pieces and they take a big piece of me. Lately they seem to be even more demanding. Planning the wedding, getting prom taken care of, dealing with teachers and grades that are not acceptable, scheduling SATs and searching colleges for admission requirements and application deadlines are just a few of the cracks in this piece. Then there is the house keeping, cleaning, bill paying, and remodeling that must be done. Cooking??? Groceries??? Almost too much for me to handle. One more responsibility at home and I fall apart.

But then there are the other sides to me. The sister and daughter, as well as the granddaughter, aunt, and sister-in-law make up another large piece of me. Then you must add in the teacher, colleague, mentor, team member and committee member. After that you need to see the friend, confidant, cheerleader, and part time counselor/writer that round out other pieces.

How do I manage all these pieces and keep me as a whole person? I find myself totally drained and useless when it comes to keeping it together lately. If I can't find a way to hold together, I fear a thousand pieces of me scattered upon the floor just like those pieces of glass. Each piece delicate and part of a much bigger whole, but also broken and no longer useful.

I keep reciting a scripture that helps me hold together, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is the glue holding me together. This is why I have not fallen apart. I know that without making my relationship with God a top priority, I will not be able to continue holding on. When I feel that I am at the end of my rope, I have to take a step back and do what I call "stepping off the planet" for a while and let God have my burdens. Even Christ needed solitude with the Father to pray and to be refilled. What makes me think I don't need the same thing? Pride.....I think I can do it all myself, but the truth is, I am weak and fragile and will break if I don't give in to God's call to "be still and KNOW He is God".

What's Left Undone?

I walk in my house tonight and think "what is that smell?" Did I not move the laundry? Are there dirty dishes in the sink? Or did we forget to take out the trash this morning? What is it?

Then I look around my house and feel my mood change. Who's shoes are those laying in the middle of the floor? Why didn't they pick up after themselves? There is that other basket of laundry to fold. When was the last time I vacuumed? I need to scrub the tub. Also, what about mopping? Unload the dishwasher, dust the furniture, make the beds, fold the clothes, pick up the junk....or maybe I need to pay bills. OH YEA....I haven't been to the grocery store! What in the world is in that box on the table????

So many things to make me worry and fret. So many things to make me frustrated and discouraged. So many unimportant things.....

This week has left me wondering and thinking about the important things. The things that cloud my mind and fill my day that really don't matter seem to crowd out the things that should fill my life. If today was my last day.....and it could be....what would I have left undone? Would it be my messy unorganized house that would be my greatest regret or would it be those relationships that need mending that would be forever lost?

My dad said today, "We have to live every day to its fullest and not take a moment for granted." How true that is! My list should be less about what is undone around the house and more about what I am going to appreciate today. Have I hugged my husband? Did I kiss him goodbye? Should I have gotten up earlier to just walk him to the door? What about making him breakfast? Did I pray today? Have I met with my Father and sought His guidance and wisdom for the challenges today will bring?

What about my girls? Did I hug and kiss them today? Do they know that I love them and I'm proud of them? Did I tell them again how much their Father in heaven loves them? Did I set the example of a Christian woman, wife, mother for them? Did I take time to listen to them and just spend time with them instead of being in a hurry?

Did I look at the picture she drew for me? Did I take the extra time to fix her hair for her pictures today? Did I read to her and go to her soccer practices and games? Did I take the extra time to play with her today?

What about my friend? Did I call her when I thought about her? Did I send that card? It was her birthday. I missed our lunch time again. I even forgot to mention her new hair cut.

Why was that little boy so upset today? That girl looks like she didn't sleep last night. He really needs to talk to me today, but I have so many papers to grade. Give me a minute, then I can listen. Sit down, please, can't you see I'm working?

What if today is my last day? What will they remember about me? What will I have left undone?

The way I see it, each day is a gift. We are not guaranteed anything more than what we have this very minute. Each breath we take is another gift. We plan for tomorrow and put off until the next day. If tomorrow I don't wake up, or today is my last chance to say, I want my loved ones to know they mean the world to me. My husband is my best friend and truly the love of my life. My daughters....all three....are precious to me. More precious than gold or silver. They truly are gifts from above and I love them dearly. My family....mom, dad, brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, are part of the roots that make me who I am today. They are my foundation. My friends have provided me with sisters that I never had and support that I could not have made it without.

Today, in this moment, I want to live each breath to the fullest. I want to laugh and to cry. To clap, sing and even dance. I want to hug my children and kiss my hubby. I want to listen to the old stories again that my grandmother tells and I really want to hold hands with those I love. Tomorrow is not promised. Now is all I have. I don't want to leave anything undone......

Life is Fragile

Tonight as I sit here in the silence of my house I have thought about how quickly life can change. A friend of mine has been sick. She thought she was battling the flu. Then, we hear she is in ICU and her body is shutting down! Her children are called in from school and drive hours to possibly see their mother for the last time. Her husband sits alone by her bed and hears the words from the doctor with an unreal feeling all around him. How could this be happening? She was just a little sick, and now......

Thankfully the news is good. She is improving today. The power of prayer is amazing and I have no doubt that God's hand has been at work in her life today. Things were so grim last night. Things looked so doubtful that she would recover. Praise God for second chances.....

I got another phone call today. I have another friend in the ER. She too has been fighting a cold....just feeling bad. Now she too is in the hospital with unsettling symptoms and asking for prayers. I know my God can heal her too. I know the power of prayer. I also know at times, His answer is not what I would want it to be.

My family is spread out tonight. Mike is at a Stars game. Tara and Chelsea are at church....yes, I played hookie....and Ashton is at school. As each left home tonight, did I tell them I love them? Did I kiss them? Did we have any hurt feelings between us before they left? Do they know I really love them and that my world would not be near as happy without them?

What about those friends of mine that I haven't taken the time to talk to lately? Do they know what they mean to me? Do they know the impact they have had on my life? I lost a dear friend over a year ago and I don't know that she really knew what an impact she had made on my life. I remember after hearing of her death, how all I could think about was that pat on the back she gave me before she left school on Friday. She always was quiet in nature and loving, but I don't know that she knew how much those little things impacted those around her. I look back now and wish I had those last few minutes back with her to tell her how much she meant to me, just to let her know she would be missed when she was gone. I would love to be able to tell her "thank you" for always being there and being my friend.

I know there are those relationships that are not what they need to be and I need to take time NOW to fix those. What if tomorrow does not come for them....or for me? Life is so fragile, we never know when our last breath will be. Let nothing be left unsaid or undone. Live daily knowing that those you love know you love them. Today may be the last day this side of heaven that you have to spend with them. Hug them, kiss them, laugh with them, talk to them. Do not let a moment go by without them knowing you are in their corner.

If today was your last day......what would you need to make sure was not left undone or unsaid? I have a list I need to work on. Call my mom and my dad. Tell them thank you for everything they have done for me. Go see my grandmother more often. Make peace with my brother. Forgive those hurts that have added bricks to the wall. Smile more, worry less. Laugh more, diet less, enjoy life. Be a friend and make God a priority. (He is who I want to spend eternity with!)

Today is the only day I have guaranteed. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, life is fragile.....

Mothers.....and Daughters....

This is for my Sisters.....those who are missing their moms, hurting because they didn't have the mom they desired, and for those nursing their mothers back to health. This is also for my mom........thank you for being my mom....through it all...............


Motherhood....what a blessing! And then there are those other days.....I'm sure you know what I mean......those days that you know you are scarring your child for life. You know you are making every mistake possible and are sure your child will end up hating you and seeking counseling for all your blunders.

There is this feeling as a mother that I have of overwhelming duty to protect and make sure my girls turn out "just right." But what does that mean...."just right?" Maybe it is not even a need for them to be "right" but to be capable of surviving and not falling for the schemer's schemes. I want to enable them to be strong, independent women who love God and seek HIS wisdom and guidance through this thing we call life. There is so much that is dangerous and dark and scary about life and I want my girls to be prepared to face whatever will be thrown at them. There is not much I wouldn't do for my girls. Let me explain....

I knew when I first found out I was expecting that Ashton was a girl. No sonogram to determine what "it" would be. I just knew. I started planning then. Picking out furniture and bedding, buying clothes for my little princess, all were parts of the prep work to becoming a mom. I read books and tracked every month of my pregnancy with symptoms and my growing belly. I talked to her, sang to her, prayed for her and cried many tears of joy and pain. I waited with such anticipation for the arrival of our angel. What a day that was! I remember the family gathering for the first grandchild, the first niece, the first in our new family. I also remember that first day, holding my baby girl and singing to her as I rocked her close, smelling that fresh baby smell and marking the memory deep in my heart. I can feel it even today. I also remember the fear of failing her.......failing as a mother and not getting this parenting thing right.

Those blessings of a daughter were revisited two more times with the arrival of Tara and Chelsea. Three daughters, three blessings. LOTS of responsibilities. Many joys....many tears, and more fears than can be numbered. Being a mother is precious to me. I consider it the greatest blessing and the greatest responsibility. It is my mission field first and foremost, but I also know, I have failed many times.

I have yelled when I should have listened. I have been too busy with my own life when they have needed to be close to me. I have been absent, when I should have been present. I have not always done what Jesus would have done. I have not always been the best mom, but I can say I have always loved.

A mother's love is one of the closest loves comparable to God's love....or it should be. There are so many people who have never felt that love. I can only imagine that without that feeling of unconditional love from their mother,s how their image of God must have been. I have never understood how a mother could not look at her child and know that they were precious and given to them as a gift. I KNOW at times it is hard to really like the little creatures that you once thought was so precious, especially in those teen years, but to deny your love to them....that I can not understand.

A mother gives us our sense of security through her hugs and words. So many times I have heard "let the baby cry" but I could never do that. I broke all the rules and rocked my babies to sleep, put them next to me in bed and let them snuggle close to me. I held them more than I laid them down. I wouldn't leave them in nursery at church but kept them near me. I talked to them as if they were really somebody and not just a child to be disciplined. They go where I go, they do what I do, and that means I have to examine my every day walk. My words have to match my actions and vice versa. When I am wrong, and I am a lot, I have to go to them and tell them. I have to be what I expect them to be and do what I expect them to do. As a mom, I have to teach them and train them by example first. It is not an easy job. It is very humbling and often times, I mess it up. Thankfully I serve a merciful God and my children do too!

To those of you who missed having a mom for whatever reason, God can fill in those empty and missing pieces. His love is so much greater and His example is true perfection. He teaches us through His word what true love is. He also shows how to discipline when needed. He always loves, but He is faithful to discipline when necessary. He loves unconditionally and is watching and waiting for you to seek Him for whatever you need.

I am thankful for the example of motherhood that my mom set before me. I know I am not the perfect mom and when I think of those things that I wish had been different in my relationship with my mom, I know she was doing the best she knew how to do. There were things out of her control and things that she would change if she could go back and fix them. Me too! There are those days I would erase from the memories of my girls, but I know God has used each and every event to bring me to where I am today and to bring my girls to where they are......I can't wait to see the moms they will be one day!

If at all possible, hug your mom, tell her you love her and forgive her for her mistakes. Don't take her issues as your issues. Let God heal the hurts and guide you through forgiveness. Learn from the good and the bad and give all the hurt to our Father. He can wipe your tears and mend your broken heart. He will hold you close in the dark of the night and sing His lullaby to your heart. If you missed those opportunities to learn from a godly mother, find a spiritual mom. Ask her for guidance in being a mom to your children. Ask her for a hug. You are not bound to the past nor do you have to be the same as you were taught, you can be so much more.

If you are a mom.....hug your babies. Love them unconditionally. Discipline when necessary but never forget to love. Guide them, teach them, talk to them and most of all LISTEN to them. Be their mom and be THERE. I have had to learn to get over my stuff and my hurts and get it together to be the mom God wants me to be. I don't have it all right, but I know it is the most important job of my life. It is here but a short time and then one day, they are grown, gone and looking back at you trying to know how to do it for themselves. Give them something to grow on......LOVE.

Dusty Bibles....

The other afternoon while visiting with some precious women in Christ, I noticed a Bible laying on a desk nearby. This Bible looked as if it had been read before. It was not new and it's cover was bent from where it had been opened and bent back. But the thing that caught my eye was the dust that had begun to gather on it.

Dusty Bibles......It made me think of how often my Bible has sat alone on a shelf or ridden in my purse or car, unopen and forgotten.

This week a friend reminded me of a Psalms that I needed to read to help me through some hurt and pain. What a comfort God's Holy Word is to those of us who read it! I am disappointed with myself for not spending more time in His Word. The words from the Psalms brought such comfort and reassurance this week.

God's words were given to us by Him to guide us, teach us, repremand us, and save us. These are GOD's words! Holy and divine and given to us, yet we choose to leave it laying by the side while we indulge our minds in man's versions of life through television and movies. We read books that do not encourage or edifiy us in to living for Him. We pay for worldliness to be beamed in to our homes to dull our senses to the evil of this world. We look for entertainment that does not only entertain, but takes us a step away from the holiness we are called to be near.

Dusty Bibles.....If we opened them and let God speak to us through them what would be different in our lives? Would there be less bickering and more understanding? Would there be more love and less judgement? Maybe our hearts would soften and we would forgive more readily. Maybe we would guard our tongues and bridle them before we let harsh words hurt others. Maybe we would learn to listen more than we speak.

Would we learn to be slow to anger and quick to forgive? Could we become better children and learn the value of honoring our fathers and mothers? Maybe we could become better parents from the example of a father that our Heavenly Father has set before us. Would pride be abolished and humbleness grow? What about our marriages? Would they grow and be strengthened? Maybe we would treat our spouse as Christ treats His church. Maybe the marriage bed would be honored and protected.

Dusty Bibles.....What would happen to our church if we dusted them off, opened them, and really let God's words make a mark on our hearts? I think, we would be the church that Christ meant for us to be and God would be glorified. I'm dusting off my Bible, opening it, and letting God be my compass. My life needs direction and with God's words as my guide, I know my feet will be steady and my path be lighted.

I just want to run.....

Just when I thought things were looking up.....SLAP.....back down I go. I should have known. Maybe I did know. I felt the urge to stay home tonight, but instead I forced myself out. Out to the group, to be part of the "team" and to put that smile on my face. Team player....that's me. So, there I went, against the urge to stay put, even alone, since Mike was at work. I thought I was being brave and doing the right thing.

So, the slap. What happened? What didn't happen is a better question. Hum, let's see. I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't get eye contact from a friend. The room got quiet when I walked in. The discussion turned towards hurts from the previous week and without using my name, my opinions were discussed and somewhat condemed. I felt totally isolated and alone. Is this what happens when you speak what you feel and believe? Is that what it is like to be alone?

I am hurt. All over again, I am hurt. I don't know how to really deal. I have been practicing forgiveness and I have even confessed my stubborness and lack of vision. However, I have also dropped the subject and tried to move forward. Tonight though it slapped me again. It is like it won't go away and I am going to forever feel inadequate and that my words caused strife and that now there is a rift between friends. My heart aches and my head hurts from the tears I have cried. Is it just me? Am I making it about me even though I think I am trying to let it go? If so, why does this friend keep bringing it up when I am trying to let it go? Is it to hurt me or to put me in my place? Maybe they want me to leave. If so, that is what I am wanting to do. I am ready to run. Run far away and hide from this. According to the discussion tonight.....who cares. If those of us who feel or see things differently leave, it is of no concern as long as forward progress is made and other souls are reached. I agree....reach other souls, but do we cast away the ones who are here now? Do we disregard their thoughts and beliefs?

I know for me, I am ready to leave. I have been living in strife for so long and feeling this constant pull against my heart and beliefs. If I can't reconcile this feeling, I feel I must remove myself from it. Is it better that I leave and no longer be a henderance to progress? Should I stay and try to work this out? This is my home. These were my people. These were my roots. Now I feel all is gone and I do not know which direction to go.

How did this happen?

Where did 40 come from? Seriously, how did I reach this point in my life? It just hit me the other day, and I have been 40 a few months now, that I am officially an adult! I know that sounds goofy, but you know during your 20's they just look at you as young and still "like a teenager." The 30's come along and you get some respect for living that long and hopefully figuring out what is important and what is not. But then, SMACK 40 hits you in the face and for some reason you are now an adult. Yikes....I have serious responsibilities now!

This is what I mean.....I don't have any excuses any more to just fumble through this life. I am actually now one of those people who someone might look to for advice! Or, I might have to make a decision on the direction things will go and that will affect a generation coming behind me. I am on COMMITTEES now. Yea, me....on committees. Committees at school, committees at church, no community committees yet, but you know there have been some possibilities. The other thing is, my children are almost grown, with the exception of the baby....who is almost 10. One is getting married and that means I will be a "mother-in-law!" The other is about to be a senior in high school with college applications and scholarships to work on. She will be moving out before I know it. Then the baby, well, she isn't really a baby anymore, will be old enough to be in an "intermediate" school, which is a nice way of saying "PRETEEN"! Other future options are becoming a "grandparent!" NO....what? Me???? I'm not old enough yet....RIGHT? Don't answer that!

I think I may be headed into a mid-life crisis....however I am hoping mid-life is about 50 instead of 40. EWWWW....I'm looking forward to 50! Ugh....that is scarey. No offense to those of you who are closer to that number than me, it is just I remember crying at 25 because all I had to look forward to as birthdays go was turning 30. Now, I'm 40 and all I have to look forward to is 50! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN???? I don't feel 40....mentally....maybe sometimes physically, but not in my heart. I think I am stuck somewhere around 32. That wasn't so bad.

Okay, so 40 hasn't been bad. It is just different. People look at you different if they know you are 40. They have an idea in their heads of how you should act. You can't act like a 30 something anymore. You have to be a bit more serious minded and you really should know what you plan to do with your life by this point. I really think I am stuck at 32.

I am not ready to be this responsible. However, I do look at the world differently now. I appreciate the days. The days go by too fast at times and wasted days seem like a lost treasure rather than just another day. I have many memories now. Memories of my children as they have grown up. Memories of people who made their mark on my heart and have since gone home to our Father. I also have found that I don't like wasting time on the things that don't really matter. You know, those things that in your 20's and 30's would make you have a bad day or would threaten to ruin a friendship or marriage just because you were angry. Well, at 40, they don't matter near as much as loving and enjoying life with your family and friends.

Okay, so those getting near 40, get ready. It just HITS you one day and you are expected to be an adult with serious responsiblities. For those of you already 40 and getting the hang of this better than me, HELP.....I think I may need it. I am fighting 40 as much as I can. For those of you who have moved on to the 50's, thank you for setting the example for me to follow and for the encouragement to embrace this stage in my life.

New names and new responsibilites in this middle ground...."mother-in-law, grandmother (not yet, but someday), board member, committee person...." How did this happen? 40

Conflicted.......UGH!

I am going to warn all that read this up front, that this is a ramble or maybe better called a rant..... and probably not anything you want to read. However, if you do....beware.....I'm in a mood!

How do you argue? How do you stand up and speak your mind and not care about what others think? How? I wish someone would tell me. I have had my feelings hurt.....SURPRISE SURPRISE right? Those that know me KNOW that is not a surprise. My mercy makes me also an emotional person. Some people say it is because I am an October birthday. That is probably true. We are a strange bunch. Very loyal, opinionated, sensitive and the type that NEVER forget an offense. I might forgive it, but it takes me forever to forget it. So, this may be a bit hard for me.

I don't like to argue....back to the original problem....... It is just that I feel like a person I care about chose me to be harsh with instead of hearing my thoughts and opinions on an issue. It is probably because we don't really see things eye-to-eye, but that is to be expected. Not all people see things the same. I have always been one that looks at how things affect the whole picture not just the here and now picture. So, I usually find someone to disagree with. I don't look to disagree, I just have strong opinions and a strong sense of what is right and wrong and changing my mind about something takes time. It also takes lots of evidence to prove to me why things should be viewed in another way.

So, am I being hard to deal with. Probably. I can admit that, but I don't understand why others' opinions can be considered and even responded to appropriately, but mine seems to be harshly critisized. Is it because I was viewed as totally off base, or was it the friend factor? Maybe it was that I am emotionally involved and wear my feelings on my shoulder. I don't know, but I know it hurt and now I feel CONFLICT with this person. I hate conflict. I don't like feeling someone is mad at me or upset with me or thinks I am being unfair or unjust. Yes, I know that is the people-pleaser in me and my desire to CONTROL the people and things around me, but beside that point, what do I do about conflict? I hate it. I don't do confrontation well. Constructive love works when the person knows what I am doing.....Roadies......but with others, they just look at it as me being confrontational. It makes me want to run, hide, and never share my thoughts or opinions again.

That's a whole other issue. I hate when people THINK they know about something like Roads and making judgements without even knowing what they are talking about. For example, you know when you mention this great program that shares God's love with others and because it is not something that they know every detail about, they automatically discredit it. Can they not see the changes in lives that the program has helped bring about? No, instead they shrug their shoulders, roll their eyes, and look at you as if you have gone off the deep end and tried one of those "weird" things instead of staying normal like everyone else. Well, I'm tired of normal.

UGH.....I told you I am in a mood. I am so tired of people thinking they have all the answers. Are the rest of us dummies? Do we not have opinions and knowledge about life, love, familiy and God? I feel that I have navigated this life pretty well. I have a marriage of over 21 years. I have 3 healthy, happy, Christian daughters who do well in school, are not in trouble, and one is even getting married soon. No major problems within our little family. That is not by my doing but by our relationship with God and how He has been a major part of our family all these years. I would say that gives me a bit of knowledge on what works and what doesn't.

I hate conflict. I don't know how to work out these feelings I am having without saying something to this other person, but the peace maker or keeper, which ever one is not the best to be (one helps bring about peace by doing what is right and the other keeps peace by not stirring the pot), is telling me to stuff it and keep it in and let it go and it will blow over. Sure it will, but I will still have this little scar in my heart from a friend who didn't listen and criticized unjustly.

I feel another brick in the wall going up........How wide, how deep, how tall this wall may be......I worked so hard to tear it down, and now I feel it being rebuilt.

Constructive LOVE anyone??????

Roots....

Roots run deep. Have you ever tried to pull up one of those wild growing weird trees? You know, the ones that grow in the flower bed and every time you chop it down and dig out the roots, it grows back. It just seems that you can never get all of that root!

I remember watching the movie A Walk in the Clouds. It is a great romantic movie about two strangers that find each other but he is not accepted by her family. There are too many differences in the way they are raised and the traditions of their families. The father is totally against his daughter's marriage to this young man who has "no roots".

You see her family had deep roots. Their family had been living and growing together closely for many years. They had kept the family together through rich traditions and celebrations. They enjoyed each other and valued their family connections above all else. They also had a strong leader in the father of the family. He above all others, held fast to the family bond and the honor that their family name possessed. Anything or anyone that was "not of them" had to be feared and guarded against. Anyone with roots from a different heritage would spoil the purity of the families' roots. However, she saw value in someone with different roots and wanted to change her families' view of others.

Roots.......they run deep. They are with us at the beginning of life. They grow steadily to find more nourishment. They spread out and anchor even deeper to provide stability in the storms. As they continue to grow they provide greater ability for life to reach higher and wider so that it may become more than ever imagined. Roots are the basis of life. Without strong roots, life struggles, may wither and even die.

I am proud of my roots. My heritage runs deep. My roots come from a strong family tree. The roots of my life have been the foundations that have held my faith steady in times of great storms. They have also nourished and encouraged my growth both spiritually and physically in this life. When weeds of the world threatened to choke out my growth or my life came under attack from the winds, famines and storms that wanted to destroy me, my roots held me steady. I owe who I am to my roots.

In the movie there was a great fire storm. This fire storm threatened to destroy everything that the family had worked generations to build. After a night of fighting the flames back with every soul that was able, the family saw that all their efforts to save the roots of their family by themselves had been destroyed. Life as they knew it was over. The family's heritage gone. All hope seemed to be gone. But they had forgotten something very important, their roots had begun with a belief that they could become a great family. The stranger reminded them of the heart of their roots, the ONE where all life had come from. He showed them that as long as the heart is right and soil fertile, then roots would continue to grow and become stronger again.

Roots....they run very deep. They are hard to dig up or destroy. Fire can not burn them out. Storms only make them dig deeper. No matter how you try, your roots are always a part of you holding you to who you are meant to be. Roots.....

White Picket Fences....

Driving to school today, I passed a house I look at every morning. It is a renovated older home with a big front porch and gables. It is painted a soft gray with white trim that has all the curly-ques and swirley designs. The dormer windows are perfect and the twinkle of lights from inside always welcomes my drive by the house. The front yard is perfectly landscaped and the back yard has a white picket fence surrounding the courtyard and pool. It is such a warm looking and inviting home.

The thing that caught my attention today was the fence. Fences usually are put up to keep others out or to keep something in. Sometimes they are for privacy. This fence seems to be more for decoration. It is probably about four feet high but does not seem to be for privacy since you can see clearly through the wide pickets to the pristine pool and yard behind it. It also seems to not hold anything in, again since the pickets are a bit wide. It more likely is for a boundary and for appearance. It really does make the “whole package” look for the house.

But today, I noticed more than the white fence. I noticed the green mossy growth that has begun to grow on it. This perfect picture that I have admired day after day seems to not be so perfect after all. Upon closer inspection now of the moss growing, I saw a crack in the fence. It also seems that one of the dormers needs some touch up paint. And, the small stone retaining wall has a couple of stones out of place.

Okay, so what about this house and fence made an impression on me today? The idea of perfection! Looking perfect from top to bottom and portraying an image of having it “all together” seem to be one of my pitfalls. Understand that I am not saying I “look” perfect or “have it together”. By all means, I KNOW I don’t. However, that seems to be the image as Christians that we try to portray. We’ve got God, so we have it all right! We got our NEW coat of paint, our white trim, and are landscaped to the 9’s so we can present ourselves as the perfect package.

Makes me wonder what moss is growing on us? What is broken? What is hidden in the eves and falling out of spot? And most importantly, what is going on inside this perfectly painted and manicured “home”? Appearances are deceiving. We can look all polished and perfect, but if we are not making an effort to continue the renewal of our minds and body, we will certainly give way to the moss in our lives.

Girlfriends!

This is dedicated to my coffee bunch.....you know who you are!

I have to tell you that my life is so much richer because of the sisters God has placed in my life. I have never had a natural born sister.....only brothers. No one to play dolls with or do make-up with or talk to about boys. No one to go shopping with and try on a million styles and hear true honesty about how I looked. No one to tell my deepest darkest secrets and KNOW they would be safe and I would not be judged but loved. No one until lately.

No, my mom has not found me a sister, but God has placed some in my life that I could never have imagined. By God's hand, I have those in my life that are just simply sisters. Nothing I did or they did made this happen. It has been a simple and instant bond given to us.

Tonight I sat with 4 of my bestest friends....sisters....and talked about my life. They talked about their's too. No judgements, no hiding, just open honest talk. We laughed, we held back tears, we made plans for the future, and we let down any walls that would hold back honesty. We found connections that we did not know we had. I listened to one sister tell about her relationships with her brother and mother and would have sworn she grew up in my house. She was telling my story.

Sisters are special. I watch my girls as they fuss and fight, then giggle and scheme against me and wonder what my life would have been like if I had had a sister. It sure would have been fun! I tell my girls always....."you will always be sisters....friends will come and go, but your sister is your friend for life." That is what I want for my girls, life long friendships.

I may not have been given sisters by birth, but these spiritual sisters are filling in the gaps. I thank God for each of you daily. Hug your sister when you see her. Make sure she knows you love her and if the bonds of friendship are strained, remember the good times and forgive the hurts. Rebuild that relationship. Sisters need each other. Together we are strong and can make it through anything. Divided we are a target.

Thank you to each of you who have stepped up and filled in the gaps of sisterhood in my life. You have made a difference in my life and I love you for that.........df

What I Believe.....

I believe God is alive and active today! I believe in His grace and mercy. I believe He sent His son, Jesus, to die for my sins on a cross and rise again so that we too may live with Him. I believe life is all about love. God is love and for us to live as Him, we are to love.

I believe that your family comes first....after your relationship with God. I believe in marriage for life. I believe that you should honor your spouse and submit to an interdependent relationship with him/her and God. I believe that while you have children at home, that your first and most important ministry is raising your children to love the Lord. All other mission fields will be there when your children are grown, but for a very short time we are the example of Christ in the lives of our children. I believe that ultimately it is up to the individual to choose a life of submission to God. Nothing we do can "make" anyone, including our children, love the Lord. That is a very personal and intimate decision.

I believe God's angels walk among us today as much as they did in the past. I believe miracles still happen. I believe we all have gifts from above that we are to use in our service to God. I believe there is nothing I can do to earn my salvation and that I am totally dependent on God grace. I believe we have the whole "religion" thing wrong. It is a matter of heart and devotion and worship to our Father and all this ceremony is not required. It is a relationship issue, not a matter of punching a card on attendance to services. I believe we have a Holy Spirit living in believers that guides us through our daily lives.

I believe pride and selfishness are the biggest pitfalls we face. I believe satan is alive and well and attacking the basic fundamental values of family. I believe that prayer is the greatest defense against evil around us. I believe there are some things that we can just not change and that God will use them for His purpose and His kingdom.

I believe we should live within our means. I believe our culture tells us that more is best, but that truth is less is more. I believe that television is one guest we should have never invited into our homes. I believe life should be honored above all else. I also believe that God can forgive any sin.

I believe in the basics....God created the heavens and the earth. Noah built an ark and the earth was flooded. The Red Sea was parted and the children of God walked across on dry land. God spoke to Abraham and Noah and Moses. I believe Jesus was born of a virgin and lived a sinless life. He died on a cross and rose again. I also believe He will return again.

There is so much more I believe. But we will save the rest for later......I have always heard it said, "You have to know what you stand for or you will fall for anything". Well, it could be said, "You have to know WHO you belive and WHAT you believe or you will fall for anything." What do you believe?

Angry....

I'm angry tonight. I don't have any idea why, I just am. Maybe it is all the drama around us lately. Families falling apart, friends having major health issues, financial obligations that seem overwhelming, hurt, pain, despair......It is almost too much to bare. I really don't think that is all there is to it. I'm not sure quite what it is, but I feel very frustrated.

We went to small group tonight and discussed submission. It wasn't as bad as it may sound but something in the discussion seems to have me worked up. Maybe it was the rehashing of the previous day's drama. Talking about all the hurt and pain that our church has been through. Maybe it was discussing the book that bashes one specific church in our brotherhood. Very Christian of them.....judging others, dangerous road to travel. Maybe it is all the reprogramming my brain must go through. At times I want to yell because so much of the way I was raised seems to be going away and I fight against the changes. The other side is my brain trying to take in all that is happening and check it against what I believe, what is written and what I was taught/trained to do.

Another part of me feels like it is jealousy. Jealousy over those who know where they fit and how they are to contribute to this life and me not knowing still what I am suppose to do. I wish I knew more scripture. I wish I knew the right words to say when someone is hurting. I wish I had a place to feel like I am to be in ministry. I wish I had closer friendships and felt connected to more people at church. I think it is selfish of me. I think I want power and title and authority. I think I am prideful and selfish and totally unsubmissive. I think I am very lonely.

Then I think.....I should have spoken up more and let my voice be heard, but I didn't....again. I keep silent and think. I process everything and over think what is happening. Speak up! Say what you are thinking.....be brave for a change and let people see and hear the real you! That is too much. I can't do that. As good as it is to see others feel free to be open and honest and real, I can't be. Not yet. Too many secrets seem to still be nicely compartmentalized. Some testimonies are not mine to share. I can not speak what is not known until others are ready to share as well. At times I think my hurts are healed, but watching others suffer through some of the same dares to bring back up those memories and feelings. Forgiveness is for me. It breaks the emotional bond. I choose to forgive.

Ugh.....this has been a ramble and for those who read this....I'm sorry. It makes probably no sense because it is really my brain bouncing thoughts and ideas around. I am hoping that typing this out will help me process it. Sometimes just being able to process somewhere besides in my head is helpful. I don't feel as angry now, just frustrated. I think I need to explore the ideas behind "reprogramming my brain to truth instead of tradition." I also think I need to actually talk about some of those things I hold too close and in secret. I just don't know to who or why I need to talk about them again. I don't want my mistakes and struggles to continue to be controlling, but for some reason they are surfacing again. Is this to help others or to try to pull me back down in to bondage? And now, negative tapes are trying to replay.

Where do I start......what do I do.....when do I get to quit feeling these feelings? Pride, anger, despair, inadequacy, unworthiness......I hate these feelings and fight daily to not let them take over. I really need some good to happen around me. What a ramble this has been.....I think I will go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. I am praying for sunshine and blue skies!

Alone.....

Have you ever thought about how your life would be different if you were all alone? I have been thinking about that lately. I headed home from work Friday knowing that for the next several hours I would be totally alone. That is not something that happens to me very often....not for more than an hour or two usually. But that night, I was going to be totally alone.

What would I do? How would I spend that time? Go out to eat alone? No, I'm not brave enough to do that. I think I am boring, so I wouldn't enjoy my own company. Go to the movies by myself? No, too scared to do that alone. I don't like my girls going anywhere by themselves so I wouldn't do it. So, I thought I would go home and clean house. Maybe I would watch what I WANTED to watch on tv. That would be a first. Or, maybe I would read one of the many books I have planned to read. Very possibly I would enter the internet world and check my emails or look at things to help plan a wedding or just read some blogs. What do you do when you are alone?

My life is so often filled with doing for others and being with my kids and husband, that I had no idea what to fill my quiet hours with. It almost scared me that I didn't have something exciting or inspiring to do with myself for the time I had alone. For a few minutes I entertained the thought of feeling sorry for myself. I let those ideas of "I have no one to hang out with" or "I wish I had something fun to do or some place fun to go" start creeping into my head. Other thoughts like, "why should I do all the cleaning by myself, I didn't make that mess" or "no one wants to hang out with me" just about pushed me over the edge. Luckily, my sanity kicked in and I got over myself.

I have several friends in my life who face being alone often. I have not understood it much. I have always been surrounded by life. My hubby, my children, lots of family and responsibilities. At times I have wished for a desert island to escape to. I have yelled when the house has been a wreck and beyond dirty and threatened to run away. How stupid and childish I have been. I would never run away from the life I have been blessed with. I just can't imagine how people ever do leave their families.....but that's for another blog.... I love the life around me. My hours of quiet time are rare and I am slowly learning how to fill them for me without just sleeping. I am also learning how much I miss my family when they are not with me.

As for my Friday night.....it wasn't spent alone. God placed it on my heart and my friend Angie's heart that we had a mission for that night. It was great. I love when God speaks so clearly and it is confirmed through the words of another. I had thought of calling Angie and us going to visit another friend. I had talked myself out of it because I thought it was me being afraid of being alone. Not 2 minutes....really maybe only 1 minute after I talked myself out of the idea, Angie called me with the exact same idea. WOW! God rocks! There was no doubt then why I had the hours alone. It was for a purpose in God's plan. To top things off, I was never alone. I am learning that truly, we are never alone. God is all around us and KNOWS what we need and when we need it. He also knows when we need alone time and when we need to depend on ONLY Him.

Alone is not easy. It isn't for me. I'm sure it isn't for others too. I think it is because I have to see me during that time. I have to deal with me and my distractions are gone. These times of solitude should be times that I can have some introspection of my life and my relationships. It makes me get real with me. It also gives God an opportunity to have my full attention, if I allow Him too. I really need to embrace these quiet times and look at them as times for growth and retreat.

But, as for now, I am back with part of the family....2 of the 4. By this time tomorrow, the house will be full again. Full of noise, full of shoes on the floor, full of clothes to be washed and dishes in the sink, full of tv's blaring and phones ringing. Life will be full again and silence will be gone. I will be happily distracted and looking forward to the next few hours of alone time.

This and That....and the Other...

I really don't have a focus for writing today. I just have a lot bouncing around in my head. I'm home sick....probably strep...and the rest of the family is at church. That use to never happen, but now Mike gets everyone up and out the door for church. What a blessing! I watched Facing the Giants again this morning. I love that movie. I think it really does show what God can do in our every day lives. We need to view His hand moving in our lives and working out the miracles around us. They are there....everywhere! We just need to stop and look for them. I also think if we are focusing on our relationship with God then we are more likely to recognize the miracles that are happening around us.

For example....my brother was actually reaching out and NICE to us yesterday! I am still in shock. I don't know how or why, but it seems to be a positive step. I left Christmas with a feeling of distress again over my brothers. Jon had called Todd "his" brother, like I was not part of that part of the family. I have felt that for so long that it was like a knife stabbing my heart. I had to work through forgiveness and pain again to not let it ruin the rest of our Christmas. Then, Jon sent me a message telling me how much he enjoyed spending time with us and that he loved me. Jon is my baby brother and he and I usually have a good relationship, but it had been strained in the last few years due to OUR brother..Todd. It made me cry when I got his message and then I realized he had moved the girls and myself to his "top friends" on his page. That is a big step for him....and us.

But it was last night's email that made my heart skip. Tara was checking her "space" and had a message from her uncle Todd. Last time she had a message, she got to respond in her "prophet" gift mode and tell her uncle just what was on her mind. It lead to a lot of hurt, and maybe some healing. Anyhow, Todd had responded to a bulletin that Tara had posted and we were a bit afraid of what he might say this time. When we opened it, it was a message for Mike and I THANKING US for his Christmas gift and telling us how much he appreciated it. WOW! That was so unexpected. It was a bit of an olive branch I think, but we still have a long way to go. Todd didn't even come to Christmas with the family. It hurt Mom and Dad, but we went on with our celebrations anyhow. I have been harsh in how I have been thinking about Todd over the last several days and I am repenting of that. I need to love first, judge last and forgive all the time. It is not easy for me.

We meet with the wedding planner tomorrow! Ash and I are meeting with her and then going shopping for a little bit. (I am really sick of shopping!) But, I think I am going to try to look at stuff to make the bouquets for the bridesmaids. We will just have to see if my creative side can be revived. I made all the bouquets for my wedding....except mine. Then, on Tuesday Ash and I and all her bridesmaids....including Chelsea and Tara....are heading to Firewheel mall to the bridal shop. Wedding and bridesmaid dresses are on the agenda. This should make for an exciting adventure. Just me driving up there should be fun. I am going to have to raid the savings account before we go.

New Years is bringing a lot of activity for us already. Wedding plans hit high gear now that Christmas is over. Diets are back! Mike and I had done so well up until about Thanksgiving and now we have to get back to it. School starts back on the 2nd and I will be working hard for our TAKS season. I also played with figuring our income TAX today. We may or may not get a refund. It all depends on this crazy tax law stuff. We will either get about 2100 back or owe about 700. I am praying for the law to stay what it was so I don't owe!

On another note, I have come to see how truly blessed my life is. God has blessed my life with some great friends. Friends that have come in and out of my life to leave their footprints on my heart. My coffee group is an amazing part of my life. I truly see and feel God's presence when I am with these girls. God brought us together from different walks of life and different experiences, but bonded us together in ways that words can not explain. This year I have also reconnected with friends from my childhood. It is great to see God bring us back together to share our joys and sorrows and know that we can survive anything when we have God at our side. I also work with an amazing group of friends. For the most part, it is good, but as in any family, there are struggles and that is what I see us as.....family. Our small group and my summer Bible study group continue to encourage my walk of faith and keep me accountable as I work everything out. My children are also great friends to me. They make me laugh and smile when nothing else can. Watching them grow and being their friend through these travels of life makes it all the more rewarding. Then there is Mike... I can not imagine life without him and I know I am truly blessed to have a husband like him.

There are others that I have not even taken the time to mention here, but they are still very dear to my heart. I am truly blessed. I pray that I continue to count my blessings and dwell on such good things in my life.

Marriage 101

Lately I have become a little more than concerned about many of the marriages around me. I count up to 5 that I know of in the last year that have struggled with some sort of sin, from lying to each other to out right infidelity. I just don't understand it. What has happen to the sanctity of marriage?

Don't get me wrong, Mike and I have struggled in the past with some of the same issues. It was what I call the dark times of our life together. It was also a time where neither of us were seeking God or striving to live as He commands. Trust was lost and it took me a long time to regain some of that, but we did it. It was a dark season in our lives and our children most certainly suffered from it. But how do families/marriages get to the point of not loving each other enough to honor their marriage above all else? I know for us it came during a time where we did not put each other first nor consider the other in decisions. We both were working too much and busy with raising small children and trying to make ends meet. We went to bed too many times with hurt feelings and unresolved disagreements and let those things fester into real problems. We held on to too much and forgave too little. Those were truly dark days.

How do we justify lying? How do we justify cheating? When did it become socially okay to cheat? Better yet, when did our churches become so involved in the same issues as the world? I'm sure it has always been. I remember two different families when I was growing up that faced infidelity where one ended in divorce and the other continues to this day to try to stay together. I respect the ones who can forgive and move forward. I understand the ones who just can't. I fear I would be one of those. I don't see how I could forgive and move forward. It would be by God's grace and love that I would have to. It would also be for my children's sake if it came to that point. However, I have watched one family hold on and do nothing more than damage their children's ideas of marriage and the future marriages they would be in. The sins of the father are visited upon his children..... Somewhere that cycle has to be broken. A new pattern must be set in motion and men and women must honor the marriage vows they have taken above all else.

It just seems that so many marriages have been affected by such sin lately. Each week or month it seems that we hear of another family struggling. No, we may not know any details, but by the look in the hurt spouse's eyes, you can read the whole story. The cold or possibly mournful stature of the repenting spouse also tells whether the marriage may be saved. I know God can heal any hurt. He can also use those hurts to His glory. It just seems that we are not guarding ourselves from such attacks on our families. How has this happened?

I think the evil one has done a good job of attacking families. Worldly families have been falling apart for years, but now the attack on families within the church seems to be on the rise. Guarding my heart and my mind while also being aware of the struggles and needs that my spouse faces almost seems impossible in today's society. Babylon......Daniel's Babylon seems to truly be what we are living in. Keeping the integrity of our marriages and families in tact is a constant battle. If we loose this battle I fear the war will also be lost. We must put more emphasis on our marriages and families. Next to our relationship with our Father, our relationship with our spouse must be the most important.

As I see my daughter prepare to marry, I am reminded of the vows I took. Until death do us part.....honor one another....in better or worse.....sickness or health....These were not just words but a vow/promise before my God...the creator of all....that Mike would be my husband and I would honor him. I just don't understand how one can take those words so lightly and then throw them away for another......My heart is breaking for the the hurt I saw today in the eyes of those who have been hurt.

I thank God for allowing Mike and I to find healing from the hurts in our past that helped us put our marriage and relationship with God foremost. It was not an easy battle, but we made it. I never entertained the idea of cheating or leaving. The opportunities were present at times that I could have made different choices, but I learned to "flea" quickly from snares that may entrap, to not even entertain the thoughts of cheating or leaving. I understood marriage was for life and not to be taken lightly. I understood that at the age of 19 and I know it to be even more true today after 21 years of marriage. I know Mike has faced similar battles and we both have failed at times to make the right choices. I am just thankful that we held on to the promises we have made and kept fighting to get to where we are today. I pray we never go back to that place.

Let's try this again!

Well, I haven't written in 2 years! TWO YEARS! For a while I was writing all the time, but then somehow that flow of writing just stopped. I think it had something to do with life. In the last 2 years, life has sped up and made some great changes. I probably would have done better with all the curves life has thrown my way if I had taken the time to write and process. Writing has always been my way of processing what is happening in my life and trying to make sense of what it all means.

So, here we go again. I have updated some of the stuff on the blog and I have decided not to delete previous posts. This blog started out as a place for me to be totally honest and real with my emotions/feelings and beliefs. Some of my posts are pretty raw, unedited and not filtered through my sensor. So, be prepared to hear some of the real me, which is not always what I seem to be. If you have been invited in to this space, you are someone I trust to be honest with me and give me unconditional love inspite of my true self showing. I also appreciate your comments and insights. This is a place of growth for me.

I promise to write again.....I have a wedding to plan and a school year to survive. I have a grandmother who's health is deteriorating and a brother...or two...who can't seem get a grip on life. Three daughters, a husband and a set of parents and inlaws, and a future son-in-law.....lots of material to keep me writing. Hang on, some of this may be a bit bumpy.

Have you ever realized how truly blessed you are? I did last evening. Mike and I were priviledged enough to walk our senior daughter on the football field to be honored for her 4 years of hard work in the band/color guard program. She has been captain of the guard for 3 years. But more than that, she has been a great leader spiritually and morally during these years of high schoool. I don't know how I got so lucky to have a daughter like her. During this evening, I also learned how truly blessed I am with the husband God sent me. Mike has not always been the most god-fearing man, but he has always had a loving heart. That is what I fell in love with years ago. Mike has become the man God wants him to be and my girls and I are so blessed to have him. He is not the richest, most athletic, smartest, or even the very best looking man in the world, but he is everything and more to our family. He loves and and he shows it to us. He is a great daddy. One that attends all of his daughters' events and supports them as strongly as he would have supported a son. Band is not his "thing" but he cheers for them and has even learned to be impressed by the show that they put on week after week. He coaches soccer and our youngest thinks she can't play without her "good luck daddy" there to watch. From soccer, to tennis, volleyball, softball and color guard, listening to band concert after band concert and even a piano recital or two, Mike has supported our girls through it all. He listens to them and wants them to have the best life possible. He is steady and strong when they need it and he is soft and warm when they need a daddy to cuddle. He is everything that I wish my dad had been. God is so good to bless our family with him.