Have you ever thought about how your life would be different if you were all alone? I have been thinking about that lately. I headed home from work Friday knowing that for the next several hours I would be totally alone. That is not something that happens to me very often....not for more than an hour or two usually. But that night, I was going to be totally alone.
What would I do? How would I spend that time? Go out to eat alone? No, I'm not brave enough to do that. I think I am boring, so I wouldn't enjoy my own company. Go to the movies by myself? No, too scared to do that alone. I don't like my girls going anywhere by themselves so I wouldn't do it. So, I thought I would go home and clean house. Maybe I would watch what I WANTED to watch on tv. That would be a first. Or, maybe I would read one of the many books I have planned to read. Very possibly I would enter the internet world and check my emails or look at things to help plan a wedding or just read some blogs. What do you do when you are alone?
My life is so often filled with doing for others and being with my kids and husband, that I had no idea what to fill my quiet hours with. It almost scared me that I didn't have something exciting or inspiring to do with myself for the time I had alone. For a few minutes I entertained the thought of feeling sorry for myself. I let those ideas of "I have no one to hang out with" or "I wish I had something fun to do or some place fun to go" start creeping into my head. Other thoughts like, "why should I do all the cleaning by myself, I didn't make that mess" or "no one wants to hang out with me" just about pushed me over the edge. Luckily, my sanity kicked in and I got over myself.
I have several friends in my life who face being alone often. I have not understood it much. I have always been surrounded by life. My hubby, my children, lots of family and responsibilities. At times I have wished for a desert island to escape to. I have yelled when the house has been a wreck and beyond dirty and threatened to run away. How stupid and childish I have been. I would never run away from the life I have been blessed with. I just can't imagine how people ever do leave their families.....but that's for another blog.... I love the life around me. My hours of quiet time are rare and I am slowly learning how to fill them for me without just sleeping. I am also learning how much I miss my family when they are not with me.
As for my Friday night.....it wasn't spent alone. God placed it on my heart and my friend Angie's heart that we had a mission for that night. It was great. I love when God speaks so clearly and it is confirmed through the words of another. I had thought of calling Angie and us going to visit another friend. I had talked myself out of it because I thought it was me being afraid of being alone. Not 2 minutes....really maybe only 1 minute after I talked myself out of the idea, Angie called me with the exact same idea. WOW! God rocks! There was no doubt then why I had the hours alone. It was for a purpose in God's plan. To top things off, I was never alone. I am learning that truly, we are never alone. God is all around us and KNOWS what we need and when we need it. He also knows when we need alone time and when we need to depend on ONLY Him.
Alone is not easy. It isn't for me. I'm sure it isn't for others too. I think it is because I have to see me during that time. I have to deal with me and my distractions are gone. These times of solitude should be times that I can have some introspection of my life and my relationships. It makes me get real with me. It also gives God an opportunity to have my full attention, if I allow Him too. I really need to embrace these quiet times and look at them as times for growth and retreat.
But, as for now, I am back with part of the family....2 of the 4. By this time tomorrow, the house will be full again. Full of noise, full of shoes on the floor, full of clothes to be washed and dishes in the sink, full of tv's blaring and phones ringing. Life will be full again and silence will be gone. I will be happily distracted and looking forward to the next few hours of alone time.
1 comment:
being alone can get to you sometimes....it takes time. I used to hate time to myself when the kids were gone....eventually, you learn to dance to music, take a bubble bath, go on a walk....and yes, even go out to eat alone! I have come to appreciate my time alone as a time I can pray and read. It is all different for each one of us.
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