Angry....

I'm angry tonight. I don't have any idea why, I just am. Maybe it is all the drama around us lately. Families falling apart, friends having major health issues, financial obligations that seem overwhelming, hurt, pain, despair......It is almost too much to bare. I really don't think that is all there is to it. I'm not sure quite what it is, but I feel very frustrated.

We went to small group tonight and discussed submission. It wasn't as bad as it may sound but something in the discussion seems to have me worked up. Maybe it was the rehashing of the previous day's drama. Talking about all the hurt and pain that our church has been through. Maybe it was discussing the book that bashes one specific church in our brotherhood. Very Christian of them.....judging others, dangerous road to travel. Maybe it is all the reprogramming my brain must go through. At times I want to yell because so much of the way I was raised seems to be going away and I fight against the changes. The other side is my brain trying to take in all that is happening and check it against what I believe, what is written and what I was taught/trained to do.

Another part of me feels like it is jealousy. Jealousy over those who know where they fit and how they are to contribute to this life and me not knowing still what I am suppose to do. I wish I knew more scripture. I wish I knew the right words to say when someone is hurting. I wish I had a place to feel like I am to be in ministry. I wish I had closer friendships and felt connected to more people at church. I think it is selfish of me. I think I want power and title and authority. I think I am prideful and selfish and totally unsubmissive. I think I am very lonely.

Then I think.....I should have spoken up more and let my voice be heard, but I didn't....again. I keep silent and think. I process everything and over think what is happening. Speak up! Say what you are thinking.....be brave for a change and let people see and hear the real you! That is too much. I can't do that. As good as it is to see others feel free to be open and honest and real, I can't be. Not yet. Too many secrets seem to still be nicely compartmentalized. Some testimonies are not mine to share. I can not speak what is not known until others are ready to share as well. At times I think my hurts are healed, but watching others suffer through some of the same dares to bring back up those memories and feelings. Forgiveness is for me. It breaks the emotional bond. I choose to forgive.

Ugh.....this has been a ramble and for those who read this....I'm sorry. It makes probably no sense because it is really my brain bouncing thoughts and ideas around. I am hoping that typing this out will help me process it. Sometimes just being able to process somewhere besides in my head is helpful. I don't feel as angry now, just frustrated. I think I need to explore the ideas behind "reprogramming my brain to truth instead of tradition." I also think I need to actually talk about some of those things I hold too close and in secret. I just don't know to who or why I need to talk about them again. I don't want my mistakes and struggles to continue to be controlling, but for some reason they are surfacing again. Is this to help others or to try to pull me back down in to bondage? And now, negative tapes are trying to replay.

Where do I start......what do I do.....when do I get to quit feeling these feelings? Pride, anger, despair, inadequacy, unworthiness......I hate these feelings and fight daily to not let them take over. I really need some good to happen around me. What a ramble this has been.....I think I will go to bed and see what tomorrow brings. I am praying for sunshine and blue skies!