Just when I thought things were looking up.....SLAP.....back down I go. I should have known. Maybe I did know. I felt the urge to stay home tonight, but instead I forced myself out. Out to the group, to be part of the "team" and to put that smile on my face. Team player....that's me. So, there I went, against the urge to stay put, even alone, since Mike was at work. I thought I was being brave and doing the right thing.
So, the slap. What happened? What didn't happen is a better question. Hum, let's see. I didn't feel welcomed. I didn't get eye contact from a friend. The room got quiet when I walked in. The discussion turned towards hurts from the previous week and without using my name, my opinions were discussed and somewhat condemed. I felt totally isolated and alone. Is this what happens when you speak what you feel and believe? Is that what it is like to be alone?
I am hurt. All over again, I am hurt. I don't know how to really deal. I have been practicing forgiveness and I have even confessed my stubborness and lack of vision. However, I have also dropped the subject and tried to move forward. Tonight though it slapped me again. It is like it won't go away and I am going to forever feel inadequate and that my words caused strife and that now there is a rift between friends. My heart aches and my head hurts from the tears I have cried. Is it just me? Am I making it about me even though I think I am trying to let it go? If so, why does this friend keep bringing it up when I am trying to let it go? Is it to hurt me or to put me in my place? Maybe they want me to leave. If so, that is what I am wanting to do. I am ready to run. Run far away and hide from this. According to the discussion tonight.....who cares. If those of us who feel or see things differently leave, it is of no concern as long as forward progress is made and other souls are reached. I agree....reach other souls, but do we cast away the ones who are here now? Do we disregard their thoughts and beliefs?
I know for me, I am ready to leave. I have been living in strife for so long and feeling this constant pull against my heart and beliefs. If I can't reconcile this feeling, I feel I must remove myself from it. Is it better that I leave and no longer be a henderance to progress? Should I stay and try to work this out? This is my home. These were my people. These were my roots. Now I feel all is gone and I do not know which direction to go.
1 comment:
Denise,
You feel like I did last summer with my parents. I am not sure of the situation you are going through, but sometimes, just sometimes God gives us tough situations to turn to Him and draw us closer. When I am going through one of these times I have to remember He doesn't allow us to go through anything we cannot handle. Well..my goodness, I could be president if that is the case considering everything I have gone through. And, you too.
It's funny. Sometimes I feel like I am in a constant state of strife...only to realize I have to let go. I don't have many friends, but that is due to my sobriety and different view points than other people. I cannot bend who I have become nor do I care to. YOU are special, and loved. You are so loved and need to remember that.
On days we don't know where to go, that is when we go to God and find ourselves in Him. You will know. I have faith.
I love you Denise.
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