My battle plan....

This has been one of those months. I knew when the calendar turned to April that my life would become a whirlwind, but I had no idea what all that would include. Each weekend in this month has involved me being out of town. Not being able to veg out on my couch and catch up on sleep after a week of work is harmful to my health! I am one of those girls that needs some down time and I have not had any in a month.

Before you think I am just going to complain, I want you to know this has been a very rewarding month too, despite my over active schedule. I was blessed to train in The Road seminar in Tyler two of the weekends. I watched my baby girl perform at LTC in puppets and drama another weekend and then last weekend, Tara and I made a trip out to Abilene to register her for college in the fall. It has been a blessed month in a lot of ways, but it still has left my mind and body exhausted.

Along with this exhaustion has come some attacks on my spiritual well being. I know when I go in to the battle of training at Roads, that I need to be prayed up and confessed up. I also know that when we go in to seminar with the purpose of sharing Christ and helping others find freedom from their pasts we paint a big red target on our lives. That has been true again this month. It has been stronger and harder than I ever remember it being.

It started before seminar began....towards the end of March. A direct attack on my self esteem has lingered all month because I have not been able to relax, think, write or process out the feelings I have had. I have found myself becoming fearful and not trusting. I have begun to be suspicious of secrets and lies. I have become angry and have not known where that anger was coming from. I have had to look at this part of my life again and work on walking through it to gain any part of my esteem back.

I am super blessed to have my hubby and friends there for me when I have been struggling. It is almost a night and day change today from yesterday. I know their prayers have made a major impact on my mind. Those scriptures on taking "every thought captive" have become my battle plan. I also am going to practice being still and knowing God this weekend. My Bible has to be beside me right now. In my weakness I am looking for His strength. I am battle weary and my armor needs some polishing.

In all of this I have wanted to run and hide. Withdraw from society and isolate myself. It had always worked for me in the past. Hide in my hole and not come out until absolutely necessary. But this time, I am just taking a little rest, but still reaching out. No hiding for me. I know that my enemy would love for me to feel isolated and unloved. I know he would feed my insecurities and destroy my trust. I know that I would find myself alone because I would have pushed everyone away. Not this time....I am hanging on to my support group, my girls who hold me accountable and my family who have watched this battle before and have stood by me each time.

Time to rest....time to refuel....time to fight back and get strong again. Time to be still and listen and remember who I am to Him. Time for me.....

The Road we are on....

I'm really irritated...this is part of my "living"...acknowledging my emotions! I get to spend weekends every now and then watching God break down barriers and walls in the lives of people. It is absolutely awe-inspiring seeing God work. I am so blessed to get to have a ring side seat in the miracles, and yes, they are miracles! The thing that upsets me are those who are closed off to the idea of this program just because it is not something they "know" everything about. Now before I go any further, I want to say I am not thinking of just one person or two. There are several who have turned their noses up at it for one reason or another. The sad thing is that they are only hurting themselves. They are the ones missing out and those of us on the other side see this as very sad. Our excitement to share what we have gained and what we have seen God do sometimes takes people time to get use to. I get that. We are a pumped up group and our group is growing. We can be a bit pushy too because all we want is for others to have what we have gotten.

So, my irritation comes from those who are just negative about what we are doing. I had a friend give the example in a lesson about a man who chose to go in to the bars to meet people right where they are and teach them about Christ. He made many people upset with the idea of it being okay to go in to bars to reach people....hum, where did Jesus go??? I believe he came to save the lost! Isn't that our mission too? Saving those who are lost? Leading others to Christ? Well, that is what The Road does. We meet people right where they are. We help them face the things that are holding them back from reaching where God wants them to be and we walk with them through the fires to get to the other side. Sad thing is, I can't share that with some of my friends because they don't want to hear it. They don't want to know what we have been through. It upsets me because I really need their support and their covering with prayers when I am in this battle. We are in such a spiritual battle when we go in with the purpose of helping set those bound in sin find freedom in Christ. Mike and I have been under extreme attack this last month and after part 1 of this seminar, I understand why. Each attack and our response to it, led us to a place of being able to help those who we came in to contact with this weekend. It has helped us see the sins separate from the person. I has allowed me to see that there are many victims when it comes to sin and sometimes the victim is the one committing the sin. But, I can't share that with my friends who have not been where we have been, because frankly, they don't want to hear it.

So, I feel the attacks still coming. We have been being hit from every direction. Now, our friendships seem to be in the crosshairs. This I know....God is with us...He will see us through this and I have to turn these friendships over to Him again. He is my focus. His will and His mission is my goal. Serving and helping others reach a relationship with Christ is so much more than living....it is life itself! I had forgotten how much training opens my heart up and awakens my mind. I had forgotten how truly close to God I must walk to be protected from the arrows that are being fired at me. I ask that you pray for Mike and I as we reenter this battle. We need the prayers of the faithful for protection because never before have we had such a target on us. Pray for those that we come in contact with that we can proclaim freedom for the captives and that all will come to know Christ. Pray for our friendships that are dear to us and are strained. Pray that God holds all of us close to Him so that we can do His will.

If you are interested in learning more about The Road Adventure please check it out: www.theroadadventure.org

So much.....

Wow....so much is going on. So much has gone on that I don't really know where to start. Life is just such a roller coaster and a beautiful ride at the same time. I am blessed...blessed beyond my imagination and then on days I feel that life is almost too much to understand. One day is up and the next day is down. No, my emotional state is not at question here....I'm really in a better place emotionally and spiritually than I have been in a very long while. I am just feeling and living and being as alive as I possibly can. It is just so much!

Sometimes living and feeling is so painful. To feel the pain of loss is hard. To allow yourself to cry and feel the pain of the hurt is to live. To stuff it down in those dark controlled places is faking life. The loss of my cousin hit me so hard I could not figure out where the intensity of the pain came from. We were not close. He was several years younger than me and his family had moved to North Carolina many years ago. We had spent very few holidays together and truly, I did not "know" him. However, he is my baby cousin and I remember holding him and playing with him as a baby. He is also my family. A life so young and with so much ahead of him was cut so short. I have been depressed to a point before of wondering if life was worth the hard work it took to live, but never to the point of giving up. Such a tragic end to a beautiful young man. The tears that flowed from losing him were felt from my toes to the inner part of my soul.

Sometimes living is feeling fear. To fear is to put life in perspective. Fear of illness. Fear of death. Fear of loss. Fear. Fear made my eyes open to how much I have before me right now. Fear made me look at what I would lose if I didn't fight for life. Fear showed me how special love is. Fear made me move from static life to full life. Fear pushed me back in to living. Fear made each moment matter for a lifetime. Fear of facing illness that could change my life forever pulled me back to life. Fear of losing my life caused each day to be sweeter.

Sometimes living is hurting. Again, walking through the hurt, facing it head on and walking through it so it can't hold you paralyzed. Allowing hurt to be seen can only allow life to grow. If hurt is not acknowledged then it can not be healed. Hiding the hurt keeps healing from happening and it also keeps others from being able to help you live again. The minute I allowed that hurt and weakness be seen, the moment healing began and I could live again instead of drowning and losing my life in pity. Allowing Mike to know what had hurt me gave him the opportunity to mend that hurt and show his love for me. Being weak allowed our life together to grow. It allowed us to really live....together.

Sometimes living is sharing. Sharing those precious moments in life with others instead of keeping them all to yourself is living. Spending hours and days sharing the inner parts of yourself with others and finding acceptance brings validation to my life. It brings the meaning of living to a sweeter place. Sharing with my coffee girls and being truly transparent with people who love me for me no matter what allows me to know that I am just a girl....a girl with hopes, dreams, hurts and real fears.

Sometimes living is serving. Serving is where life begins. Life jumps out at you and shows you where you are meant to be. Serving enriches your soul. Serving gives meaning to all the garbage you may go through and gives a way to make beauty out of ugliness in life.

I know I've rambled about life, but for me life is full. In the last month alone it has been full of pain, sorrow, fear, grief, shame, pity, loneliness, depression, gratitude, anger, gratitude, kindness, peace, love, compassion, jealousy, happiness and pure joy. All these plus many more have made me see that living is feeling. Living must happen no matter where you are emotionally. To choose not to live is to choose death...whether it is a real death or a spiritual death...neither are okay. Neither gives glory to God. The only way to glorify God is to live in whatever circumstance that comes your way. I had to make the choice to live....no matter what comes my way!

These 2 songs have been in my dreams and on my mind for this month....I've shared them before, but they are so worth hearing again....Live!

Fight for yourself!

I just have to say I am really ticked right now. You see for 10 years I have begged for doctors to listen to me. I knew something was not right with my body. I knew there had to be a reason why I never had any energy. Why I would have major mood swings and then cry all day. I knew it was not normal. I knew there had to be something wrong. I also knew that my monthly battles with pain was more intense than they should be. But no...all the doctors would ever say was, "Oh, you are 30 something, you have 3 children and a husband, you work full time, you should be tired. You need to exercise more and eat better. That will help." Well, right now I would like to say something less than appropriate, because we all know that was a bunch of bull.

Seriously, I have fought this battle for a while. I have had antidepressants shoved my way every time I say I feel blue or down or can't figure out why I cry so much. Or better yet, I say I have no energy or desire to do anything and I must be depressed and just need to take better care of myself and here...take this pill...it will help! Over and over and over I have fought this battle and even changed doctors just to hear the same thing again...."You are having a regular cycle, you are fine. Your hormones are working. Exercise, eat right, you'll feel better." UGH!!! I'm so tired of it! I KNEW something else was wrong but I trusted this traditional method of medicine to care for me and now I am looking at surgery which could have all been avoided if....IF they had done something about my hormone imbalance 10 years ago!

I found out today, from a wellness clinic that I went to with some friends to get our hormones tested, that I am severely low in progesterone. Normal is 300....my count is 60. Hum, could that possibly explain some of the problems I am having? YES! That means my estrogen is way out of wack. I had bought a book about hormone imbalances and even taken it to the doctor with me at one time with a list of symptoms. However, they were dismissed because I cycle regularly. Here are some of the symptoms of high/dominant estrogen: bloating, pounding headaches, weight gain/inability to lose weight, volatile emotions, UTERINE FIBROIDS, depression, joint pain, irritability, water retention and the list goes on and on. Symptoms of low progesterone almost perfectly match these too!

I am just floored. I am angry and feel so cheated by our health system that pushes pills to fix things instead of naturally looking at what the underlying problem might be. Ten years I have begged for help. Ten years I have been told it is in my head and given a pill to fix it. Ten years of allowing these fibroids to grow and cause more pain than I had to suffer.

I have trusted blindly in "the system" for health care and had wonderful doctors, but doctors who have not gone to the source of the problem. They have worked as reactive instead of proactive in getting to the true problem. I would even say that this has been going on longer than just 10 years. As far back as high school I can remember dealing with many of these same issues and not finding any help. I have never given much credit to natural remedies and thought some of that was just weird. But now, after taking this extra step....a leap of faith...and going somewhere where I was listened to and HEARD about my symptoms...I am finding there may be some hope. (A side note here...this place has licensed PA's supervised by MDs that are trained in hormone imbalances and treatment of them. They are not quacks!) There may be something that can be done. It may be too late to save me from surgery, but I assure you I will not let it keep me from feeling better in the future.

I guess the point of this besides just letting me vent is to say, if you know something just does not seem right and you don't feel like you are being heard or treated appropriately....find someone who will listen. Seek out help. Don't settle for just being pacified with the latest and greatest pharmaceutical. Get real answers. You have to fight for yourself, because no one else does it matter as much to than YOU!

A New Set of Challenges....

So, today marked a new day for me. After days of hurting I finally agreed to go to the doctor to make my family happy. I was pretty much guilted in to going. I had decided I was just having a bout of stomach bug again and that it would all go away, but to keep my crew happy, I went. I was set that the worse case scenario would mean possibly appendicitis. Or best case, a bad bout with gas. Neither was the case. I really wasn't prepared for the results. It was the last thing I even considered. Fibroid tumors. I have at least 3 on/in my uterus. Good news is that it is pretty common. Since mine are causing me pain it means I will be having surgery. The great HYSTERECTOMY! I just love being 40.

I am a bit nervous. I've never had surgery. Three babies, but no other surgeries/hospitalizations. I am really not looking forward to this and I am not trying to think about it much. I don't want to over think it or even plan anything beyond today. If I do I will not be able to continue moving forward. There is that part of me that wants to really think about this and consider all the possibilities, but I can't. I really can't.

How am I feeling? Shocked, nervous, a bit scared, and still in pain. I am ready to feel better but not go through this. I keep hearing it is going to be the best thing I've ever done, but right now I don't want to do it.

Today was a shocker and even though it is not the worst thing in the world, it is still something. Something I am not ready for. Something I didn't ask for. Something I want to go away and not have to do. Why couldn't it have just been a bug? I would have settled for a bad case of gas! LOL! I didn't want to find this or ever have to face this. Right now I want to throw a fit and be mad and then again, I know it is not really a big bad thing. But it is my thing. Good bad and ugly...it is my thing to deal with.

Enough of my pity party ramble. I would love any prayers you feel like sending up. I need them for courage. I need them for healing. I want it to be an easy thing. I want the next sonogram to show things are not as bad as they appeared. I want the tumors to shrink on their own. I want the removal to be simple and not complicated. I don't want to watch my girls worry or my husband be fearful. I want all of this to be gone. Quickly....easily...painlessly....and NOW!

Casualities of War

Don't be fooled. We are in a war. No, not the kind we see reports about on TV but one that has already been won, however the enemy will not give up.

I have thought a lot about this spiritual battle we are in lately. It may be due to training again with The Road, or it may just be that my eyes are so open to the constant attacks I see going on around us. It has never been more important to have our armor on. Our helmet of salvation, shield of faith, breast plate of righteousness, sword of the spirit and our feet must be ready to attack, not flee.

So, some the battles have been bloody. Many have been hurt. My family included. Some are not as strong as others and quickly fall. Others continue fighting no matter what the cost. Many are battered and bruised beyond recognition. I sometimes don't even see myself any longer but I see someone totally different.

These casualties have not been light. The cost is heavy but sometimes the biggest battles are won by just a few. Remember the walls of Jericho? They tumbled down by simply obeying God's words. Nothing else could have brought them down. This war has been won, but many are being led away in to captivity. They are being held by chains of unforgiveness, self-righteousness, pride, legalism and unfaithfulness. These things have destroyed families, friendships, bodys of worship and most of all have stopped the active spreading of God's word.

I am so tired of seeing the enemy get to my friends and family. I watch weekly as some fall away under the pressure of attack. I pray that the eyes of the faithful are opened to see what is truly happening around us. I pray that we take hold of truth and protect each other from the very real arrows that are being fired at us. I'm tired of the casualties. I'm ready to start living in victory!!!

Do you know my story?

You probably don't. Very few do. I found myself last night reliving the past, but without a lot of the pain and hurt. It was odd. I finally felt like my story was "a story" that could and maybe should be told. I know I played the part of someone who had it all together pretty well. In some ways I did. In some ways I have had things good....when you look at the big picture. But as I thought back over the story that has never been told, I realized how far I have come. I also realized life has really come to a place that is good.

I sat in a circle of ladies last night, some younger than me, some older, and listened to the struggles that they are facing. I remember having many of the same struggles. I remember feeling many of the same feelings. I remember the hopelessness I felt at times. How did I get to this place now? Only by God's grace....that is all I can figure out. He has a plan and we are walking it out daily. It has been hard work and many tears have led us to here and now.

So, my story, no it is not for these pages. It is too personal and should only be shared with those who need it. I will tell you that my walk has seen many struggles. My marriage has survived many fires, some that many don't recover from. My faith has been challenged many times and to this day I can not believe where I have been and where I am now. I will be glad to share this story, the one I didn't realize I had. I guess it was just what I thought life was going to be and that it could not help others. I know now that is not true. If my walk can help others, I need to find a way to share it. For now I will use it when God leads me to it. We can call it a testimony or just a story, but until you realize how much you have been delivered from you can not see how big and great our God is. My God became bigger last night as I looked at where I was and where I am now.

The me you may think you know is much deeper than you may realize. I have never been perfect or even aspired to be. I played the role of someone who had "no problems" and convinced many that was true. I am flawed beyond repair and the scars that have healed have made me stronger than I ever thought I could be. I know I am not yet who I am intended to be, but lately I am seeing that there is more that I am to do. I may actually have to take that leap of faith and step out of the boat....once again.....

Making some changes....

Well, it has been 7 weeks now and I think I really am on a path to changing me. I have officially lost 11.4 pounds since I began weight watchers and I am determined to continue. It helps that I paid for the full 17 weeks upfront and now I KNOW I have to keep working the program. I would never be able to throw away that money. I am try to remember that it took me many years to put this weight on so I am trying to be patient and happy with losing slowly.

Also, I have started training at The Road again. It has been a while since I have trained, but I love being back. It is hard getting everything ready for us to be gone but I'm sure I will get the hang of it again. Tara told me today that she likes it when we are gone to train. She said that we come back with a spark in our eyes and a happier outlook on life. I think that is true. Training always reminds me of God's grace and that He has blessed us greatly. It is always amazing to see God change lives right before my eyes. If I haven't told each of you about The Road, ask me some time. It helped me accept God's love and grace for my life.

I have been a slacker as of lately with my Bible reading. I have fallen off the wagon. I am so mad at myself, but I will not quit. I have to get back to reading. I just got so stuck in reading Job. I know it is a good book, but it is so hard to go through all the lamenting. So, ask me sometime about my reading. Maybe that will spur me on to continue reading. It really is fascinating to read God's word.

So, life is getting back to normal in a new kind of way. Mike has a new job and so we are trying to get use to new hours, new personalities, and new way of living. We have 3 months of "probation" at this job and so things just feel a bit uneasy. The blessing is....he has a new job!!! God is good....all the time....all the time, God is good!

Next week is TAKS reading test for my kids. I am a bit stressed, but I am trusting and believing that I have done everything necessary to prepare the kids for the test. I have a busy weekend of training at The Road and then Monday will be a day of reviewing. Tuesday will be the big day! Until then, I probably won't sleep much and will pray more.

Things just keep going and changing and I'm trying to embrace this new kind of normal......

Consequences....

I'm just a little frustrated today. Have you ever thought life was just not fair? I am seeing that more and more. I don't understand when people believe the worse in someone without taking the time to find out the truth. I also don't understand how a name.....a family name....can be more important than truth. How can punishments be decided based on name rather than on justice? I've see this kind of thing on TV and thought....wow, that wouldn't really happen....but it does. Unfortunately my baby is caught in the middle of such an event. Her word against another's, but that person has a name to back him/her up. So, my baby gets the book thrown at her and the other gets a slap on the wrist. Just doesn't seem fair....does it?

So, what's a mom to do? We advised her to be truthful. Tell the truth. Don't cover for someone else. Accept your consequences, and don't beg. Take responsibility and trust the system. Yea right! She tells the truth and since the other person lied...and has a name....they believed that version instead of her's. Actually, telling the truth HURT her. If she had lied and gone with the story already told, she would have gotten off easy, but since we wanted her to be truthful, she got the harshest punishment available.

So, again, what am I to do? Do I fight this for her? I know she did wrong. She should have consequence, but should her's been more harsh than the other involved? Should she pay for both of them just because she told the truth?????? UGH! This really ticks me off. Do I just tell her "life isn't fair" and let her take her punishment and the other get off scott free?

I'm angry and sad and frustrated and just flat out ticked off! I'm disappointed in her and wonder what happened to her brain when she chose to be stupid for a day! I know, that sounds harsh and I am just venting. My child is precious and has a heart of gold. She tried to help someone, the wrong kind of help, and got in trouble for it. She was not out partying or breaking any law. She wasn't messing around or living wildly. She just made a bad choice and is being treated like a horrible person.

I am proud of my baby girl. She stood up and took responsibility. She told the truth, even when it could/did mean she would be treated harshly. She risked the so-called friend being mad at her for ratting him/her out. She stood up and faced the music and is accepting the consequence. She is a good girl and does not deserve what she is getting. I just keep believing that what goes around, comes around. I want to be a fly on the wall when her friend finally has to face the lies that have been told at her expense. I'm still trusting that vengeance is the Lord's and I will not have to take this in to my own hands! Life just isn't fair!

1924....

This is my new baby! It is a 1924 Singer sewing machine. It was Mike's aunt's that she bought for $50 years ago. After she died, his uncle gave it to his grandmother. Since his grandmother has passed away, the aunt she was living with is moving. In the moving, she gave it back to his uncle, who gave it to ME! Well, to Mike and then to me! It is absolutely beautiful. I am not usually this pumped about a sewing machine, but his one is awesome. I love antiques and this is now the best one I have! What a wonderful treasure found in cleaning out a house! Just wanted to share it with everyone. I'm sure it may inspire some other writing, but for now I am enjoying its simple beauty.

Sail on.....

I remember being a kid and going to see my uncle's sail boat. It was beautiful. I was amazed at the size and the different parts of the boat. We sat on the deck of the hull (I think that is what it is called) and rocked with the waves. It was the most peaceful feeling and sound. I was happy to just sit and relax. But there was that tiny part of me that wanted to go on a ride. I wanted to see the sails open and the boat take off. I wanted to be part of the experience and be able to say I was there. But that day, the winds were calm and instead of sailing, we rocked gently with the waves.

I have a friend who tells me constantly that I need to come visit and go sailing with her. Frankly, that scares me a bit. The idea of something as powerful as the wind taking hold of a white bedsheet spread across some sticks and being flung around trying to keep the boat from, I think the term is....keeling over, just does not feel safe to me. I'm more of a sit by the sea on my chair and watch the waves splash against the shore while enjoying a nice cup of coffee, kind of girl.

I'm teasing a bit with my idea of a sail boat....I know they are much more safe than I am giving credit to. I actually believe that my friend would take me on the ride of my life and I would probably love every second of it. I also know that it is not a bedsheet or sticks that make up the sail. (Sorry Jaimi....I was just being creative in my writing!) But the power of the wind and the handling of the boat do make me nervous. You really can't blame me when my friend describes the experience at times like this, "...but when the waters are so rough, the wind so strong, and the current raging...it can mean death also." Hum, I'm not a tempt death kind of person. Nope not me!

I know if Jaimi reads this she will have a few words about my fear for me. I have listened to her for over a year tell me how freeing sailing can be. She is in love with the sea and with sailing. I hear strength in her voice and can tell her spirit is renewed each time she goes sailing. She finds herself in the presence of God's creation and feels the power of the winds He created and in some way becomes part of that creation as she glides across the water in a kind of dance with the wind. That inspires me. It intrigues me and makes me want to be that brave. I often wonder if I had tried it when I was younger....that day on my uncle's boat....if maybe I would have overcome some of my fear. Then at other times, I think this is just the way I was created.

I think God makes us that way. Some are like sails...full of adventure and life. They have dreams that push them ahead and keep them moving forward. Always ready for whatever God asks of them. Never afraid to take the next step or go where He leads. Then there are those of us who are more like anchors. We long for the peaceful waves that rock us steady and keep us calm. We are happy with making the best of where we are and enjoying the beauty of the moment.

One thing I have learned, God made us for each other too. We are all part of His plan and are each made for a purpose. Just as with the sail boat, each part has a purpose. A sail catches the wind and moves the boat forward. A sail is just a white sheet if it does not have a mast or boom to support it. The hull must support the mast. The keel must stabilize the hull and the rudder's purpose is to steer the hull. Each part must work together in perfect sync to move across the water. If one part is not working as it should, the whole ship suffers. And when that ship needs to be steady, if there is no anchor, it can slip away in a storm.

Within our family of faith, there are sails.....those who dream big dreams and catch the desire to move in which ever direction God leads. There are those who must support the sails and give them the strength and encouragement to follow those dreams. There are also those who's purpose is to add guidance and direction and keep the wind from blowing us off course during storms. And then, when things are hard and troubled waters threaten our security, there are anchors that remind us of where our faith lies. They keep us steady in the storms that come but they also know when to let the sails open and for us to take flight. With God as our captain, I don't see how this ship could fail.

As my friend, Jaimi, said, "We face challenges and temptations daily. We sometimes forget to help others when we are at our darkest moments. We get sidetracked and fail miserably. God has to be our focus at all times....Just like the captain of the boat is there to guide and direct and help at the stormiest of times...so is God...but we have to listen and do. There is the reminder that if you aren't listening to the captain...and doing what you know you should be doing...you will fall...into the water...sometimes and usually the captain can be there to get you out...but when the waters are so rough, the wind so strong, and the current raging...it can mean death also."

I pray we listen to our Captain and work together to find our way through the storm. Everyone is needed and important to the success of this journey. Each of us have our purpose and are needed in the family of faith to do our part to keep afloat. Do not be blinded in to believing this storm will not try to beat us, but believe that our Captain is in control and that calmer waters are ahead. There will be time to sit and relax while enjoying the surroundings, but for now, we must pull together until we make it back to shore.

VOICE OF TRUTH BY CASTING CROWNS


I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM BY CASTING CROWNS

Heart Check....

I listened to a discussion tonight that went round and round for a while, but settled on the matter of the heart. Our hearts are such delicate and guarded areas of our lives that it would seem we would know what things live there. However sometimes things creep in that we did not realize had taken up residence. Bitterness and self-centeredness seem to creep in the fastest. Pride and prejudice also seem to sneak in to some of the crevices. I know we don't want to admit it or maybe we don't even see it, but many times they are there.

I will confess.....I know bitterness and jealousy seem to like to really jump in to mine and then before I know it, I am so self-centered, I can't see the world around me. (I learned that confession was good for the soul.....I believe for the heart as well.) I try to not let these take up residence, but at times they seem to get control and I don't know what has hit me until I am smack dab in the middle of a pity party.

The worse part of this is that when I let things take up space in my heart and crowd out Jesus, I am limited in my testimony of His salvation. You see, when I am so focused on ME and what I want or what I need, then I lose the ability to see Christ's will for my life and for those around me.

So here is the heart check....what is going on in your heart? Are you looking at what works best for you or are you looking for what is best for others? Are you harboring bitterness and resentment towards someone for their short comings and mistakes, or are you forgiving and loving them despite what they may have done to you? Or have you decided to lock your heart away behind a wall of protection so that no one can ever get in again....including Jesus?

What would happen if we all took a step back, examined our own hearts and were honest with ourselves about what is living in our hearts and pushing our Savior out? Would we start seeing that we need a softer heart? Would we learn that no one is perfect and that none of us has a right to judge another? Would we see that until Jesus is the Lord of our HEART and our LIFE that we will never be the church that He died for us to be?

This thing called "being a Christian" does not mean we all have it right....not even our leaders. It means that we are daily giving our hearts and our lives to Christ and choosing to live in love as Christ loved us. When we allow anything other than Christ to take up residence and control the heart, we open the door for many heart attacks, not the medical kind, but the spiritual kind. If you give the evil one a foothold in your heart, he will take it and run.

I was always taught to GUARD YOUR HEART. I also know that we can ask God to CREATE WITHIN US A CLEAN HEART AND RENEW A RIGHT SPIRIT WITHIN US. We need to do a heart check. We need to look at our motives and our desires. Are we in this for our own selfish gratification or have we opened our hearts to be like Christ? If it is to be like Christ then we MUST get rid of all filth that clogs any artery of love and forgiveness and step out of the way for true healing to begin.

My heart has needed a check up for a while. No more bitterness. No more unforgiveness. No more envy. No more pride. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me!

Jigsaw....

Before we got out for our Christmas break, my students enjoyed a party planned by some of the parents. The kids had a great time. One of the games the kids played was a race to put together jigsaw puzzles. The first team to complete their puzzle was the winner. Directions were given to be careful to not lose any of the pieces and to be sure that each piece went in its correct place. When the word was given, each team quickly began assembling their puzzle.

Each puzzle was different and each team went about completing the task at hand differently. Most started by turning each piece face up and studying the picture on the box. Many then began locating the side pieces. It seems it is easier to get the outer frame of the picture together first and then fill in the center. Some worked as a group with the full picture, while others divided the picture in to sections and some worked with the dark pieces that seemed to go together while others worked with the lighter pieces. Each color grouping was sorted to see if they would go together. Then there were those pieces that were a mixture of every color and seemed to go anywhere in the puzzle.

The pieces were in every shape and size imaginable. The kids soon realized that they could not compare their puzzle to those around them, because each puzzle was different with the final product being as unique as the grouping of kids working together. Some puzzles even seemed more difficult than the others, but each came with the same set of plans. They were all 100 piece puzzles. All were of animals. Each group started with the same number of workers and at the same time. However, each puzzle was completed in its own time and in its own way.

There were the usual problems too. There were those who could not work together. There were pieces that just would not fit where they were intended to go. There were pieces that seemed to be the same, but with very important minor differences that dictated which direction it would go. There were those that seemed to go together, but really were meant for different purposes. Then, as there always seems to be, there was a lost piece to a puzzle. Without that pieces, the team could not finish and could not win. They went crazy seeking and searching everywhere for the lost piece. No one sat idlely by waiting for it to myteriously reappear on its own. No one gave up either on finding the very important final piece.

In the end, all pieces were successfully put together to reveal a beautiful picture. None of the puzzles were simple but they all were completed and their creators were very happy.

As I have thought about these puzzles I have been reminded of my family and other families. Whether they are a 30 piece or 100 piece puzzle, they are each part of a great family. Each piece/person is designed to go in a specific place and to fill a specific role. Some pieces are more difficult to fit in to the picture. Some are so unique in their design that there is no doubt where they are to go. Others are so very similar that it is hard to distinquish one from the other. There are those who make up the frame of the family picture and hold all the rest of us together. Those which border and give shape to the family and are the ones that may seem more worn than others. Then there are those that make up the middle and add so much detail and life to the family. And as with puzzles, there are those few members that get lost. But without those pieces, the family picture is not complete. Each one is special and each one is needed to make us complete. I'm sure that our creator must be desperately seeking out each one that is lost and longs to restore them to their family.

As I looked around our celebrations this Christmas and I saw the many different pieces of our family, I noticed those who were missing. Without them, our story, our picture is incomplete. You only get to see a part of who we are when we have holes in our puzzle. Those holes also leave us with feelings of longing and sadness. They remind us that we are not complete and that there are those we love that are lost and may never be restored to us. I am reminded that God's timing and His plan are not something that I can understand or control. I do trust that as He continues to put the pieces of our family back together that He does have a picture of who we will be in the end.

Family Ties....

I have a friend who's brother is getting married this weekend. She is so excited. She is part of the wedding and watching them prepare for this day has been wonderful. She showed me pictures of them as children. They were so cute. The thing I really noticed was what buddies they seemed to be. They obviously enjoy spending time with each other now and they seemed to also enjoy it when they were children.

I've often wondered what that would feel like. Being 6 years older than my closest brother and 11 years older than my baby brother doesn't allow for much bonding. To me, they were more in the way than part of the fun. My baby brother was like my very own real live baby doll, but then he grew up and joined his older brother at annoying me.

I hate that those are the memories I have. I really feel more like an only child or a child from a "previous" marriage than the sister to these two. By the time my youngest brother was 8, I was married. By the time he was 10, I had my first baby girl. We lived in two different times and probably really did grow up in two different homes.

Yes, my parents are the same parents both of my brothers grew up with, but for some reason, we are worlds apart. Whether it is the age difference or the gender gap, I'm not sure, but we are almost strangers in lots of ways. The only thing we really share are our parents. I have so often longed for a relationship with my siblings. I have often felt like the "step" sister of this family. I'm not sure either ever looked up to me. I think I was more of someone in their way to getting to Mom and Dad. I know I was not their friend. Too often I was their "babysitter" and well, they always resented my authority.

I watch my girls grow up together and pray they are different, but in watching my baby girl, who is 10 years younger than her oldest sister, and 8 years younger than her other sister, I see that I have created the same situation in reverse for her. Too often there are arguments over one of her sisters "acting like a mommy" to her instead of a sister. Then there are those times I hear the older girls complain that she is in their way or bothering them. It breaks my heart. I have tried so hard to impress upon my girls that they will always be sisters and owe it to each other to be friends too. They must depend on each other....love each other....care for each other....protect each other and most of all enjoy spending time with one another. I want them to have what I have never had. I want them to know a connection with someone else that goes beyond just blood but to true relationship. I want them to have each other one of these days when they no longer have their parents to hold them together.

I look at the families of my parents and in-laws and see how siblings drift so far from each other after their parents die. Since my grandparents have been gone, my dad's family has slowly slipped out of meeting together at the holidays. My mom's family has begun to break away since my granddad passed, but still try to tolerate each other for my grandmother's sake. My husband's family is just the same. His mom's side only has two sisters who even care to see each other or get together at the holidays and this year is the first year his dad's family has not gotten together for Christmas or Thanksgiving. I'm sure it is because they only did it to keep their mother happy, but since she is gone now, nothing holds them together.

I have to admit I fear the same fate for my siblings and myself. My parents are our only common bond. When they are gone, I'm not sure there will be much of a family left. As harsh as that sounds, it is true. Right now we don't even take the time to know what is going on in each other's lives. Then you add the differences in lifestyle and beliefs and it becomes near impossible to find any middle ground on which to stand with each other.

I've begun to talk alot about the struggles our family faces. Tonight I felt such anger and resentment towards my brothers that I just had to quit even talking about them for my health sake. I love them and can't stand their ways at the same time. I have to say my baby brother is not the one that triggers so much in me, but his denial of the problems we face and his seemingly disapproval of the actions we must take to protect what is left of our family, irritate me to no end. I wish the feelings I had towards my brothers could be summed up in warm, fuzzy, loving feelings, but that just isn't how I feel. I do love them but that is about all that we have. No relationship. No bonds to tie us together, minus our parents, no connections other than blood. How sad we must be!

I feel so cheated at times. I wanted a brother. I wanted to be a sister. I want to be part of their lives, but no matter what, it just doesn't seem to be meant to be. We lived in two different homes. We grew up with two different parents. We followed different paths that led us each further apart. I'm sure this is were my sense of never belonging comes from. I'm sure this is part of what feeds my insecurities and my loneliness. I know this is where my resentments come from.

I am blessed that God has provided family for me when I did not get them by blood. I have sisters. I have great non-blood sisters who have become for me a replacement in many ways of family. I have 3 daughters, who in many ways are the family I never felt I had as an only girl with much younger brothers. I finally have girls to do girly things with! However, there is an emptiness that seems to never be filled. There is loneliness that is always there. There are hurts that may never be healed. And there are struggles that will continue to be part of my daily life until the bonds that hold us together are severed.

If I do anything worthwhile in this life, I pray that it is to instill in my girls a love for one another and a bond of sisterhood that holds them and their future families together even when we, their parents, are gone. That would be the greatest legacy I could leave....children who love and honor one another and proudly call each other family.

Another thing to be thankful for....

To add to my list of things I am thankful for.....

Parents who know no end to loving their children. Parents who never give up no matter how hard the struggle and how long the road, they keep loving and keep praying and keep believing that God is in control.

Just wanted to share that. My parents are amazing!

I've got to get off this ride!

So, I really wanted to focus on the positive. I have wanted to look at the glass half full instead of half empty. I have been trying to find joy in each day in God's creation. However, it has gotten more difficult.

I wrote a while back about this merry-go-round that my family is riding. Ups and downs but alway around and around. It seems we can never get off. It seems that we are doomed to ride this ride forever. I don't even dare catch hold of a bit of hope because as soon as I do, something snatches it away.

I'll just get open and honest here. My mom opened the door a few weeks ago and now I feel I can talk a bit more freely of our struggles. We are a family who struggles daily with a meth addict. My brother has brought us to a place none of us would have ever dreamed of being. After another night of "dealing" with the effects of the drug, I would like to share some of what we face. My part is so small compared to what my parents deal with daily. I can not imagine walking in their shoes and I pray I never will.

As the sister of an addict, I am helpless. I see the situation from such a different perspective. But as a mother, I step back and try to imagine if it were one of my girls....what would I do? What would you do to save your child? Would you show tough love if you knew it would save his life? Would you withhold the safety and security of a home to allow him to finally hit the botton so that he would want to find a way home again? Or would you give up? My parents have done all they have ever known to do....love him, no matter what. But me, the sister, I have to admit I have not been so loving. I have been ready to ship him off as far away as possible to find relief for those I love....and myself.

For the past 10 years and possibly longer, I have lived in the shadows of this addiction. I have watched it take my brother way. Then it removed my other brother from our lives, probably so he didn't have to live so close to it. It has robbed me of my parents and robbed my girls of their grandparents. It has taken the love of "going to my parents' home" away from me. It has kept the dream of living near them away. It has made bitterness swell inside of me to a point of pure hopelessness. It has taken away the ability to celebrate the holidays with our extended family. It has removed joy from every occasion that would bring us together as family. It has also taken the idea of peace and stomped on it.

I never thought I would know as much about drugs as I do today. Watching an addict cycle in and out of high and then a low is not something I thought I would do. Being able to talk an addict strung out and hallucinating back down to a state of calm is not one of the skills I thought I would acquire. Knowing how to treat two parents with high blood pressure and keeping them from stroking out during a drug induced rage that they can neither control or help was not how I thought I would spend my evenings. Knowing the protocal and the trigger words to use when admitting someone to a detox facility and rehab was not part of my educational training. Visiting rehabs, learning about medications, driving faster than imaginable to reach the hospital while holding your brother tightly so he won't jump out of the car were not my idea of family fun. Acknowleding the voices that are inaudible to sober, clean people but scream loudly in my brother's ears and searching for the hidden devices planted by the unknown conspirators that he was certain were there, became lies I would give to keep him calm. I have become ready at a moments notice to drop everything and run to the aid of my parents when the phone calls come. And they always come.....Waching my parents.....brokenhearted, exhausted, frail....collapse in tears for what is lost to them ....will never be my idea of what daughters should do.

No, none of this was ever part of who I thought I would be. My husband, my girls, my friends have watched as my brother has tried to destroy his life and destroy our family, one hit at a time. We are a family, normal middle class, God fearing, flag saluting, hard working family who has been attacked by the evil of this world. I often questioned God as to why He continues to allow this to happen to all of us. Why has He not healed my brother? Why has he not allowed my parents to rest? Why have we had to lose so much as a family when so much of our lives have been dedicated to Christ? When will He give us relief? I don't know the answers to any of these questions. I do know that God can take these sufferings and make them be to His glory. Any healing, at this point, will only be of God.

Much of this is very raw and fresh tonight so if it is not making sense, I apologize. This is really for me to process. I fear I will not be as honest as I may need to be to get through this. For now this is the only kind of writing I am feeling I can do....nothing inspirational or insightful....just journaling for now. Please keep us all in your prayers. This road will be a long one we must travel. We have to find a way to get off the merry-go-round!

Thankfulness

I am a little late on this post, but it has been bouncing around in my head for a few days. Thanksgiving has always been the holiday that I have enjoyed the most. It is one of those holidays where I don't have to buy any commercialized products to enjoy the celebration. It's not about getting or doing or having, but about being...just being with those we love and enjoying a meal together and learning to be thankful for all the blessings we have received.

As I think back over this year, I know that I am blessed. So today instead of looking at the "glass half empty" I am going to try to look at the "glass half full." Wouldn't life be so much sweeter if we all did this....looked at the good side of every situation? So, instead of looking at the fact that my oldest daughter up and left me forever I can smile at the thought that I now have a son to add to the family tree. I always wanted a son! Instead of looking at how many places we have to juggle going to this holiday season, I can look at the many opportunities to connect with family I haven't seen in a while. OR I can count how blessed I am to have family so close to spend this time with.

You see, it is not that hard to turn things around to the positive and see the blessings we have been given. I have always loved the song "Count Your Many Blessings" so today, I am going to start my list. I may add some daily for a while. Join me in counting your blessings....let's see what God has done in our lives this year. I would love to hear your blessings. Please feel free to add them as comments. If we all look at the brighter side and give God the glory for what He has done for us, how could we not find JOY in this life!

My blessings.....
1. 22 years with my best friend! These 22 years were filled with hills and valleys, but every one added to the love that we have. I wouldn't trade any of them.....even the bad ones. They have made us who we are now and brought us to this place together.
2. My 3 beautiful girls....even though they are growing up too quickly, I am so blessed to have them in my life. They have taught me to love unconditionally and to see how God our Father must love us.
3. My new son-in-law! He is a wonderful addition to this family as well as his family. Friends have now become officially family!
4. Our family....having my parents and in-laws living near us has added to the stability of our family. I am blessed with sister-in-laws and brother-in-laws that I really enjoy being with. I love my in laws as much as my parents. We also have grandparents, aunts and uncles to add to the extended family we enjoy.
5. Our jobs....though they are not ever going to make us rich, they are steady and good jobs that help us provide what our family needs.
6. Our friends....God has blessed us with so many good Christian friends. MY COFFEE GIRLS AND SMALL GROUP ESPECIALLY! These friends have held us up in prayer at times when we have needed it the most. They have become even more than friends. They are family too.
7. Our cozy little house....I complain so often about this house being too small, but without the closeness we have had in our "cozy" home we might not be as close as we are as a family. Our home keeps us warm and safe. We have raised our babies here and shared most of our married life together under this little roof.
8. My church family
9. My Road family
10. Our health
11. Lower gas prices
12. Reconnecting with friends through Facebook and Myspace (yes, I know this is crazy, but it is a great way to catch up with friends you have lost touch with.)
13. Christmas lights on an artificial tree
14. A crazy dog that keeps us giggling
15.

Okay, so that's the list so far. I'm not finished but for tonight that will get us started. I would love to hear your thankfulnesses. Let's look at the glass half full together!

22 years....

Yes, today I have celebrated 22 years with my best friend. So many years ago we made this vow, this commitment to love each other through every hill and valley and today we are still learning how much we love each other. We spent the day with friends that helped us make it this far along our road together. It has been a quiet, peaceful day with simple activities that allowed us to just spend time together. Truth is that is what I want most. This has not been the easiest journey for us to travel but every step of the way, we have learned how much we truly depend on each other. I am blessed to have married my best friend. I'm looking forward to the next 22 years!

Ready to go Skydiving?

I've had a revelation lately. Not really a new one, but it is one that I need to be reminded of quite often. You see, I am one of those people pleasing, rule following, obligated, dedicated, don't want to let anyone down, kind of people. I honestly can't remember the last time I made a decision to do something just because I wanted to do it. Usually I will go along with whatever the plan is because I don't want to rock any boats. I will over-extend myself just so no one feels like I don't care or want to be involved. I hate hurting other's feelings. I've spent my life going through the motions more than living for way too long.

Well, yesterday and today an idea has been bouncing around in my head. It is giving me some freedom. It is letting me off the hook some and allowing me to find a little joy again. You see, I have realized, or been reminded that I don't have to be or do or enjoy what everyone else does to be happy. I don't have to be involved with every activity to make my relationships stronger. I don't have to find happiness in the same places as others. What builds me up, what makes me tick, what feeds my soul is different than others and I don't have to conform to any man made system to get my worth.

I know, deep! But you know, sometimes the pressures of this world and society get so heavy that it is hard to stand up under them. I have been feeling my spirit being pushed further and further down. I have felt a suffocating and heavy burden of expectations on my life. In my desire to keep everyone happy and to be a part of everything going on, I have been sacrificing the most important thing in my spiritual life. I have been sacrificing the time of being still and knowing God. How can I hear His voice or know His plans for me if I am too busy pleasing everyone else and making sure all my items on the check list have been completed? How can I grow closer to Him when my time is spent in activities that may be well worth my time, but are not meant for me to do? Where can I find the joy of my salvation if I am unaware of my gifts and the desires of my heart because I have been too busy just doing what is expected?

Now is the time I need to step back, speak up and take a stand for me. Sometimes the things that I need do need to become important to me. I so often want to care for everyone else that when a dear friend asked me what she could pray for me one day, all I could request was for others. She very kindly but firmly responded with "No, what can I pray for YOU today?" What do I need? What do I want? Where am I headed? Honestly, I can't tell you, but I do know I am planning on finding out.

My life is not bad. I am not having a mid-life crisis or anything like that. I am just coming to a place of realizing that life is short and it is meant to be enjoyed. I've been spinning my wheels, playing the game of life and finding very little joy for myself along the way. Somewhere I lost that desire for the things I loved to do. I forgot what "made me happy" and just went along for the ride. I guess you could say I was living on the sidelines and never being part of the game.

Well, now, I want to play. I want to rediscover what made me happy and what will help me grow. I want to do things that I want to do and not just what is expected of me. If that is being lazy in my house with my fat dog, crazy kids and hubby, then that is what I want to do. If it is climbing a mountain and white water rafting down, then I want to do it. If it is just sipping coffee on a Thursday night with my girls, I want to be totally there. I don't want to be pulled 30 other directions and not live in the moment. Tim McGraw sings a song about living like you are dying. How would we live different if we knew our time was short?

Life is short. James 4 reminds us that we are but a mist that is here for a very short time and then vanishes. During my time in this mist, I want to live. I'm not promised more than that. Today may be it. Did I live today or did I just exist? Time to get this life moving. No more sitting on the sideline. Anyone ready to jump in this game with me? Don't wait too long, today is almost over. Ready....Set.....GO!