Some of my teacher friends and I had been discussing our last two weeks back at work and as usual the talk turned to how tired we are and how bad our feet hurt. We are already coveting this wonderful 3 day weekend and wondering where our summer went. Back in to the swing of school. Back to the fast pace life. Back to school. Back to the world of education.
Some people, even some of my friends, have this false perception of being a teacher. Before I go any further, I will tell you I love teaching kids and love my job. However, this job takes every bit of energy from me for several months out of the year. The beginning of the year, right before the holidays, TAKS season....which lasts from March to June....and the end of school, all require extreme amounts of patience and energy.
One of my favorite comments about teachers is that we work only 8-3. Anyone who is a teacher or is married to a teacher or has a teacher for a parent KNOWS that is the furthest thing from the truth. These past two weeks my days at school have begun between 7 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. in my classroom. Yes, I am already there by 7 and never later than 7:30. Then, many afternoons it is after 5 before I leave. Some nights have been closer to 6. Yes, my job pays me from 7:45-3:45 but many more hours are put in to making my classroom run. It is not that I am inefficient during those hours but that we have limited time to plan, grade, conference, team meet, tutor, and handle the mountain of paper work that is required to properly educate the students. Lately, my hours have been more like 10 hour days instead of 8, but I never see a dime of overtime for my efforts to be a good teacher. These hours don't include the hours spent at home grading and planning as well as completing paperwork to just stay ahead of the game. Today I even brought a bag home that was so heavy, Mike had to carry it. It is my "work" for over the holidays!
Another one of my favorite lines is "But you all get PAID summers off. Must be nice!" That is actually not true. I get paid for 187 days of service. That salary is mandated to be paid out in 12 months instead of the actual days we work. It is nice to receive that check while I am sitting at home during the summers, but it is really for days I have already worked. We are not paid for any holidays or vacation. We get 8 sick leave days a year. Those are the only extra "paid" days we get. Most teachers fight for the spots to teach summer school and make a little extra. Many teachers even spend their summers in workshops that they pay for themselves and work in their classrooms to get prepared for the next year.
Again, let me say, I love what I do. However when I hear people not appreciate the time and energy that teachers put in to their jobs just to help children have a better future, it does bother me. I am so privileged to work with such dedicated and truly wonderful people. If we ever feel tension it is usually over the fact that we are fighting for the same disadvantaged children because we each want our chance to help them. We are an eccentric bunch. There are many extroverts, but just as many introverts. We somehow balance each other out. Math minds are our organizers and planners. Our arts teachers keep creativity and forward thinking in front of us. Some of our language arts teachers look at the global view and the whole picture while working to keep unity and somewhat keep us grounded. Our science teachers constantly seek ways to inspire the students and their fellow teachers. Our leaders lead, while not squelching the variety of personalities. It is a delicate balance and with most of the teachers being female, many emotions swirl around!
Another great comment I've heard is that it is glorified babysitting.......I won't even attempt to put my feelings about that comment on here. I will say, I would dare one of those people to spend a day in my shoes. They would be eaten alive!
Then there is my favorite...."those who can't do, teach." I have to say, it is easier to do than to teach how to do something. If you don't believe me, try teaching a 10 year old how to write a research paper or how to multiply mixed fractions.
I know that those of you who read my writings often are not those who are unenlightened or belittling to teachers. For that I am thankful, but I still don't believe anyone can truly understand this life until they live it. Not even our spouses really get it. There is such a desire in teachers to inspire and to do what is best for the children, but we are limited so often by lack of funds and supplies. We spend our own money on things that should be provided. There is also this responsibility that is so great. We are the shapers of the future. Many of our children come to us from brokenness. Broken homes, broken lives, broken dreams, and some are really physically broken. Yet, we are expected to make them excel above all expectations so that our scores show that we are a wonderful school. We watch children who can not stay awake because they have not slept due to the world they live in outside of the classroom. We may be providing them the only hug, the only kind word, the only hot meal, and the only safety they feel all day. We become teacher and mother and protector and counselor and mentor to them. Then there are those you can never reach. Those who by 10 or 11 are so bitter and angry that they refuse kindness and reject love.
In my day of 100 students who pass through my four walls, I teach many lessons. Most of them are from the textbooks we read, many of them are from life experiences. I get to spend 80 minutes a day with each group. In this 80 minutes, I need to inspire, counsel, discipline, redirect, teach and evaluate. I have a 30 minute lunch to share with about 20 other people and 5 microwaves. I have a 40 minute conference to contact parents, grade papers, lesson plan and collaborate with my department. If I sit down, it is to grade papers. I read my emails during my lunch break while I shove food in my mouth. I come home and collapse and wish I had energy to exercise, cook or even just spend time with my family.
Why do I do this to myself if it is so hard? Who else will do it? Plus, I love children. There is so much good and innocent in them. If I can for just one minute make a difference, then it has been worth it. If I could ask for anything as a teacher, it would be that our profession be recognized and compensated for what it is. The toughest job in the world that you ever love!
If you are friends of a teacher....besides me....or you know a teacher who has started yet another school year, give them a break. They are tired. They are stressed. They are working their tail ends off to make a difference while meeting all the requirements of our state. Just realize you are still important to them, they just are overwhelmed with the enormity of the task at hand. Give us a month to settle in to everything new and we can be ourselves a bit again. Please don't expect much from us until then. We are doing all we can and probably have nothing more to give.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
My Whirlwind Life.....
So it has been a while since I have just written to update on life. My life has been going non-stop since the wedding. Even now as I type I think I ought to be in bed or at least trying to read the book I promised friends I would read before we got together again. (We meet tomorrow night and I am just getting to the "good parts" that we need to discuss. I'm so behind!)
School started for me 4 days after Ashton's wedding. It has been such an adjustment. I don't think I rested at all over the summer. I'm glad I had summer to help me make it through the wedding, but it was not that normal, catch up on your rest, kind of summer. Then school this year is not the normal, do the same thing, kind of school year either.
As most of you know, I have a whole NEW teaching team and this year there are four of us instead of three. I am now teaching just reading and not my favorite subject....social studies/American History. I can't believe I say that I love history, but I do. It was fun to teach the kids. But now, it is reading only. Of course TAKS takes a major role in my lesson plans, but so does our new curriculum. We have a great alignment program with lots of good ideas, but it is another NEW thing added to my year. New team, new curriculum, new subject, and to top it off a new grouping of kids. Now, before you think I am the least bit upset with any of this, I am not. I am really happy...even with all the change, but I am worn out from planning, replanning and just simply trying to get my day to run according to schedule. Our schedule has been changed to include 4 groups instead of 3. That means I have about 100 students each day. I see each group for about 80 minutes. It is the fastest 80 minutes you can imagine. I never have time to sit or even take a drink of my water most days. I am hoping we will settle in to a routine soon.
One of the "perks" of my new school year is that Chelsea is at my campus. She is even in my rotation of classes, so I see her right after lunch each day. I am still a bit worried about how we will handle seeing each other so much each day. We are both a bit independent and like our space, so it will be a challenge. So far so good. It is kind of weird to look in to the sea of faces and see my baby looking back at me. No matter how hard I try I am afraid I won't treat her the same as the other kids. I don't want to be too hard on her or make give her too much of my attention. On the other hand, I worry that I won't give her the same opportunities I give the other kids. It is going to be a learning year for both of us. The silver lining in all this is that I will have first hand knowledge of her "school" friends now.
Tara has begun her senior year. It was not a week after Ashton's wedding that she said, "This time next year I will be gone to college!" She was so excited, but it hit me, and I think Chelsea too, that we will soon lose another member of our family. We Farmer girls have been a very close circle for a long time now and having my two oldest leave home is being really hard on those of us left behind. We need to start the college application process and start figuring out where Tara will go. For now, we are just trying to get the year started, but I know it will fly by.
Mike and I are hanging in there. He has been sick for several weeks with a severe allergic reaction to something. It has worn us out. He isn't sleeping well which means I am not sleeping well either. It is so frustrating. I worry so much about him. I want to know that he is okay and that this is nothing and will go away. I make him go to the doctor every other day because it is just not looking better to me. We changed laundry detergent and then changed back and now have rewashed all his clothing, hoping that will help. Nothing has so far. He is on so much medicine too. For some reason, these days, I really like that man of mine and want him to stick around for a while longer. I just want him well.
So much has happened since the wedding. Life just seems full of twists and turns and ups and downs. Our newlyweds are happily beginning normal life as a married couple. Ashton is back to school and working. Todd is back to work and has picked up a side job to help stretch the already tight budget. They will make it. They have done so well. I am a very proud mom.
I am ready for my mind and life to slow down. I can't quite get my head to quiet enough for me to write. I will tell you I have something bouncing around that needs to go on paper....or cyberspace. It hasn't come together yet, but I have continually been made aware of my topic. Fences. Security fences. Privacy fences. Keep OUT! No Trespassing! Private Property! If you can, tell me what you think about these topics. Maybe it will be the glue that binds my thoughts together in to some writing again.
I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend. Life is good. We are happy, even through all the tight spots and hills and valleys. I love my family and I am thankful daily that God brought us to this place in our lives.....even when it was a hard winding road.
School started for me 4 days after Ashton's wedding. It has been such an adjustment. I don't think I rested at all over the summer. I'm glad I had summer to help me make it through the wedding, but it was not that normal, catch up on your rest, kind of summer. Then school this year is not the normal, do the same thing, kind of school year either.
As most of you know, I have a whole NEW teaching team and this year there are four of us instead of three. I am now teaching just reading and not my favorite subject....social studies/American History. I can't believe I say that I love history, but I do. It was fun to teach the kids. But now, it is reading only. Of course TAKS takes a major role in my lesson plans, but so does our new curriculum. We have a great alignment program with lots of good ideas, but it is another NEW thing added to my year. New team, new curriculum, new subject, and to top it off a new grouping of kids. Now, before you think I am the least bit upset with any of this, I am not. I am really happy...even with all the change, but I am worn out from planning, replanning and just simply trying to get my day to run according to schedule. Our schedule has been changed to include 4 groups instead of 3. That means I have about 100 students each day. I see each group for about 80 minutes. It is the fastest 80 minutes you can imagine. I never have time to sit or even take a drink of my water most days. I am hoping we will settle in to a routine soon.
One of the "perks" of my new school year is that Chelsea is at my campus. She is even in my rotation of classes, so I see her right after lunch each day. I am still a bit worried about how we will handle seeing each other so much each day. We are both a bit independent and like our space, so it will be a challenge. So far so good. It is kind of weird to look in to the sea of faces and see my baby looking back at me. No matter how hard I try I am afraid I won't treat her the same as the other kids. I don't want to be too hard on her or make give her too much of my attention. On the other hand, I worry that I won't give her the same opportunities I give the other kids. It is going to be a learning year for both of us. The silver lining in all this is that I will have first hand knowledge of her "school" friends now.
Tara has begun her senior year. It was not a week after Ashton's wedding that she said, "This time next year I will be gone to college!" She was so excited, but it hit me, and I think Chelsea too, that we will soon lose another member of our family. We Farmer girls have been a very close circle for a long time now and having my two oldest leave home is being really hard on those of us left behind. We need to start the college application process and start figuring out where Tara will go. For now, we are just trying to get the year started, but I know it will fly by.
Mike and I are hanging in there. He has been sick for several weeks with a severe allergic reaction to something. It has worn us out. He isn't sleeping well which means I am not sleeping well either. It is so frustrating. I worry so much about him. I want to know that he is okay and that this is nothing and will go away. I make him go to the doctor every other day because it is just not looking better to me. We changed laundry detergent and then changed back and now have rewashed all his clothing, hoping that will help. Nothing has so far. He is on so much medicine too. For some reason, these days, I really like that man of mine and want him to stick around for a while longer. I just want him well.
So much has happened since the wedding. Life just seems full of twists and turns and ups and downs. Our newlyweds are happily beginning normal life as a married couple. Ashton is back to school and working. Todd is back to work and has picked up a side job to help stretch the already tight budget. They will make it. They have done so well. I am a very proud mom.
I am ready for my mind and life to slow down. I can't quite get my head to quiet enough for me to write. I will tell you I have something bouncing around that needs to go on paper....or cyberspace. It hasn't come together yet, but I have continually been made aware of my topic. Fences. Security fences. Privacy fences. Keep OUT! No Trespassing! Private Property! If you can, tell me what you think about these topics. Maybe it will be the glue that binds my thoughts together in to some writing again.
I'm looking forward to the 3 day weekend. Life is good. We are happy, even through all the tight spots and hills and valleys. I love my family and I am thankful daily that God brought us to this place in our lives.....even when it was a hard winding road.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Speechless....
I really don't know how to write tonight. I often keep my spoken words to myself because I doubt my ability to make what I am thinking clear verbally, but even tonight my written words have a hard time coming. I am fighting with myself on how to once again face a disappointment and unthinkable situation.
I am reminded of a time in my young married life when we learned of a leader in our church who had fallen to the disgrace of infidelity. He had been one of the loudest and most staunch teachers against divorce and had every book, chapter and verse to back up his hell, fire and brimstone stance. Then it was his turn to fall. It was not pretty. Many many families and friends were hurt in the aftermath of the separation and divorce. I remember my parents talking very specifically to me about why the church reacted the way it did. It was a horribly stressful time and I remember many tears being shed. That family was split. They all disappeared from our church family and went separate ways. Both eventually remarried, but whether either of them attend any where or not even today is questionable. Others families were also effected by this sin. Friendships were forever lost and many memories became bitter sweet remembrances. I also remember looking back and thinking, "I should have picked up on the signs." There was always something that kept me from feeling totally comfortable with the father of the family even though he considered me like one of his own.
So, why do I go back to this memory? Because today I am reminded again how much one person's sin can radiate through a marriage, family and even a church. I watched many tears be shed tonight. So many hearts are broken and hurt. Many don't know where to turn or how to move forward. I, myself, had a hard time even trying to think what to say to others to comfort them. I'm not sure there is a way to face this kind of hurt and not be changed. On this night, I am speechless......
I am reminded of a time in my young married life when we learned of a leader in our church who had fallen to the disgrace of infidelity. He had been one of the loudest and most staunch teachers against divorce and had every book, chapter and verse to back up his hell, fire and brimstone stance. Then it was his turn to fall. It was not pretty. Many many families and friends were hurt in the aftermath of the separation and divorce. I remember my parents talking very specifically to me about why the church reacted the way it did. It was a horribly stressful time and I remember many tears being shed. That family was split. They all disappeared from our church family and went separate ways. Both eventually remarried, but whether either of them attend any where or not even today is questionable. Others families were also effected by this sin. Friendships were forever lost and many memories became bitter sweet remembrances. I also remember looking back and thinking, "I should have picked up on the signs." There was always something that kept me from feeling totally comfortable with the father of the family even though he considered me like one of his own.
So, why do I go back to this memory? Because today I am reminded again how much one person's sin can radiate through a marriage, family and even a church. I watched many tears be shed tonight. So many hearts are broken and hurt. Many don't know where to turn or how to move forward. I, myself, had a hard time even trying to think what to say to others to comfort them. I'm not sure there is a way to face this kind of hurt and not be changed. On this night, I am speechless......
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
We Did It!!!
We did it! We gave our baby girl away and she is now a married woman. How did we get to this place in life so fast? These past 8 months have crawled by and flown at the same time. We suffered through nerves and fittings after fittings. There were ups and downs along the way, but it all paid off about 2 p.m. on Saturday, August 9. So many friends and family filled the church and when the music started for us, my husband, one of my best girlfriends and her husband and I walked down the isle and lit the candles that would soon represent our families becoming one big family.It was a great day and it has been a road we have traveled together for 5 1/2 years as we have watched our two children pledge their lives to one another. We never knew when we put them on that bus to Louisiana that they would come back with the beginning of a life long relationship. Angie and I had plotted and schemed and planted the idea of "liking" one another in their minds, but God brought them together and eventually joined our two families forever.
To say that they complete each other is really an understatement. I prayed for many years that the young man that God had planned for Ashton would be just what she needed. That his family would teach him to love God and love people and most of all prepare him to love his wife. Many times after Todd and Ashton began dating I thought it was getting too serious too soon and that they were too young to be so sure of what they wanted. But who was I to give that advice? I had been their age too, even younger, when Mike and I knew we were going to marry. They were just meant to be. Their love has never been questioned. Their future seemed so sure from the beginning.
Saturday was the perfect day....with only a few problems. I learned about the bouquet that fell on the cake in the refrigerator the day after the wedding. I watched my daughter melt down from nerves only a couple hours before the ceremony. I kept secret the groomsman who was locked out of his car and late to the church. And I'm sure there are other things that I don't know about yet and probably don't need to know about nor does my daughter. In the end, everything was beautiful and my baby girl is married.
I have to say that Cory did a wonderful job letting those in attendance see what a long and wonderful relationship the bride and groom had had. He also had first had knowledge of their courtship since I blame him for the trip to Louisiana and the trips after that. His marriage counseling sessions also gave him some new ammunition for the ceremony with his "communication blocks" and love languages. He really made the ceremony personal and special for them and for the rest of us.
Then I have to give credit to some ladies who really dedicated a lot of time to this marriage. Robyn was a lifesaver for us all. She not only decorated, but took care of the food and flowers for the whole ceremony. On top of that, she kept me in my place....which was a good thing. Laura and Joy and their tireless work on the beautiful cakes
were amazing. I am forever in their debt. There were other kitchen angels who showed up too. Kim, Mary, Mom, Cheryl and Leanna were all tirelessly working. I'm sure others were too and I am sorry I missed "seeing" each person. For some reason I didn't get to that side of the room very often but I know that they kept everything going without a problem and when the
dishes were piled so high, they took special care to clean each one. There are many others who made this day go so beautifully. Ashton's girlfriends who stepped up and helped her in these last days were amazing. I did even notice some of them hanging around after Ashton had left to clean up and help put the gym back in order. That was above and beyond the call of duty.Another special person in this day was Tara. As Maid of Honor, she really stepped up. She was there for her sister and planned parties, kept the peace and was just there for every need. I am a very proud mom. Chelsea too.....cheering her sister on when she was feeling nervous or blue. She always makes Ashton smile.
The couple is enjoying a week away on the shores of Galveston. They have been well provided for by all the gifts of love given to them for the wedding. Words just do not express how truly thankful I am for all the love shown to them. My only request is that those of you who know and love them and honored us with your presence at the wedding, please do keep them close in your prayers. God has been a part of their lives from the beginning and I pray that He stays the center of their marriage. 
Our joy is complete. Our family is expanded and a new chapter has begun. I can't wait to see the story that God writes......
Friday, August 08, 2008
Wedding Update!
Okay, so 2 posts in one night is crazy, but after ranting on the last one, and whining on the 2 before that, I thought I would share some happy stuff too.
Tonight, I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time in my life!!!! Yep...40 years old and this is my first waxing. I think I said a few unflattering words, but nothing my mom would be too upset with me for! I even did that upper lip and those few chinny chin chin hairs. So much fun! OUCH! But watching Tara get her eyebrows done was the most fun. She almost made me chicken out of doing mine. It turned in to a party and about 5 of us got our eyes done tonight. Ashton chickened out though. She didn't like the whole idea of pain!
Y
esterday we had pedicures and manicures. If I can figure out how to get the pictures off the new/used camera I bought from a friend, I will share some with you all. It was great. We were the only ones there....6 of us....and we had every chair full! Chelsea got her first set of "fake" nails and so did I! YES....again....40 years old and this is my first time to have fake nails. That is because my real nails are so good. They didn't even use "fake" ones on mine. They just did that weird powder stuff (solar pink nails for those of you who are pros at this stuff) on my nails. They look so good. We had a blast! 
We picked up the columns for the auditorium today and have those in place. The auditorium is looking just about ready and the reception hall/gym is beginning to look so pretty. Tomorrow will be the big decorating day. It has been somewhat stressful on Ashton. Tears are always near by but she is doing okay. We are packing her bags in the morning for the honeymoon trip. Tonight is really her last night at home because the bridesmaids have other plans for her tomorrow night. They also had some kind of fun shopping for "treats" for them to share at her bachelorette party tomorrow night. I wo
n't tell you about them......I can't go there! Makes me blush!!!!!
I also had a hair emergency....yep....my hair had decided to flip out. For some reason it decided to grow over 1/2 an inch in 2 weeks and totally not want to do anything it was suppose to do. I called my hair dresser and in frantic despair begged her to look at my hair today. I wanted her to see how crazy it was. It had this flip all the way around my head. It was so weird. For some reason after 40 years of life, my hair has decided to have wave, curl and a flipped out attitude. Not good 2 days before the wedding. So, we told me to come right now and let her see it. She quickly noticed that I was not making up my problem and sent me straight to the sink to dunk my head and then re cut what had gone crazy. When I tried to pay her, she said, "Oh, no charge today, since I will be billing you a lot for Saturday's hair appointments!" Oh so true....4 heads of hair to make beautiful on Saturday will cost a pretty penny, but today's treat was so sweet!
Then, for some reason, I felt the need to see my mom. Yep....I needed some TLC so I headed straight to her house. I got lots of Teasing, Laughter and diet Coke. Not the TLC I was thinking of but it worked just as well. And yes, I did get the other kind of TLC.....especially when I got a little teary eyed, but quickly pulled it back together. I don't know how I would make it without my mom. She is a jewel!
Two days.....well, really just one now, since I have been up again past midnight. I'm not even drowsy yet. One more day of Ashton being a single chick and then she will be Mrs. Ashton Marcellus. WOW! Where did time go? No tears tonight.....just joy and pride and happiness for my baby girl. Todd even was glowing a bit today. I think it was happiness and not just sweat
from the heat....LOL.....Today we decorate, rehearse, eat dinner, celebrate some, and then make sure every last detail is ready to go. God has been so good to send all of you, my friends, and many others to my side to cheer us on, lift us up and just kidnap me away when needed. I love you all and thank you for being who you are in my life.
Tonight, I had my eyebrows waxed for the first time in my life!!!! Yep...40 years old and this is my first waxing. I think I said a few unflattering words, but nothing my mom would be too upset with me for! I even did that upper lip and those few chinny chin chin hairs. So much fun! OUCH! But watching Tara get her eyebrows done was the most fun. She almost made me chicken out of doing mine. It turned in to a party and about 5 of us got our eyes done tonight. Ashton chickened out though. She didn't like the whole idea of pain!
Y
esterday we had pedicures and manicures. If I can figure out how to get the pictures off the new/used camera I bought from a friend, I will share some with you all. It was great. We were the only ones there....6 of us....and we had every chair full! Chelsea got her first set of "fake" nails and so did I! YES....again....40 years old and this is my first time to have fake nails. That is because my real nails are so good. They didn't even use "fake" ones on mine. They just did that weird powder stuff (solar pink nails for those of you who are pros at this stuff) on my nails. They look so good. We had a blast! 
We picked up the columns for the auditorium today and have those in place. The auditorium is looking just about ready and the reception hall/gym is beginning to look so pretty. Tomorrow will be the big decorating day. It has been somewhat stressful on Ashton. Tears are always near by but she is doing okay. We are packing her bags in the morning for the honeymoon trip. Tonight is really her last night at home because the bridesmaids have other plans for her tomorrow night. They also had some kind of fun shopping for "treats" for them to share at her bachelorette party tomorrow night. I wo
n't tell you about them......I can't go there! Makes me blush!!!!!I also had a hair emergency....yep....my hair had decided to flip out. For some reason it decided to grow over 1/2 an inch in 2 weeks and totally not want to do anything it was suppose to do. I called my hair dresser and in frantic despair begged her to look at my hair today. I wanted her to see how crazy it was. It had this flip all the way around my head. It was so weird. For some reason after 40 years of life, my hair has decided to have wave, curl and a flipped out attitude. Not good 2 days before the wedding. So, we told me to come right now and let her see it. She quickly noticed that I was not making up my problem and sent me straight to the sink to dunk my head and then re cut what had gone crazy. When I tried to pay her, she said, "Oh, no charge today, since I will be billing you a lot for Saturday's hair appointments!" Oh so true....4 heads of hair to make beautiful on Saturday will cost a pretty penny, but today's treat was so sweet!
Then, for some reason, I felt the need to see my mom. Yep....I needed some TLC so I headed straight to her house. I got lots of Teasing, Laughter and diet Coke. Not the TLC I was thinking of but it worked just as well. And yes, I did get the other kind of TLC.....especially when I got a little teary eyed, but quickly pulled it back together. I don't know how I would make it without my mom. She is a jewel!
Two days.....well, really just one now, since I have been up again past midnight. I'm not even drowsy yet. One more day of Ashton being a single chick and then she will be Mrs. Ashton Marcellus. WOW! Where did time go? No tears tonight.....just joy and pride and happiness for my baby girl. Todd even was glowing a bit today. I think it was happiness and not just sweat
from the heat....LOL.....Today we decorate, rehearse, eat dinner, celebrate some, and then make sure every last detail is ready to go. God has been so good to send all of you, my friends, and many others to my side to cheer us on, lift us up and just kidnap me away when needed. I love you all and thank you for being who you are in my life.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Girl Drama!!!!!!!
I need to rant a little tonight. So, hang on....
I hate girl drama. Really really I do. Why can't girls just get along? Why do they have to pick each other apart from top to bottom to make themselves feel better? Is it low self esteem or jealousy that drives someone to turn on their best friend and call them names you wouldn't even call your worse enemy? What is it?????
I hate watching my daughters fight through this phase in life. I'm sure there is still of form of this throughout our lives, but those high school years simply are the worst. I remember going through these same feelings and situations during my "Wonder Years" of high school. They stunk. You can't be friends with anyone without someone else getting angry. You can't be friends with a guy who might have a girlfriend because then you are called all kinds of unkind names. Just simply being a friend with a guy makes you a flirt and if your best friend thinks that you are acting the least bit different or getting the slightest bit of more attention from someone, you then become their target.
As a mom I want to just frankly slap some of the girls. It makes me crazy. I KNOW my daughters are not perfect. I usually ask them the first second they start complaining about someone or something they think is unfair "What did you DO to cause this problem?" Most of the time we can find the root of the problem with that, but in some cases, and with some people, it really isn't their fault. Some people just seem to not be able to be happy unless they are living in the middle of a fight. I guess it is the fun of playing "victim" to someone else's supposed offense to them. I can just hear it...."She talked to my boyfriend. She was flirting. She didn't call me first and so now I'm mad at her. EWWW, look at what she is wearing. Who does she think she is?" And the comments go on and on, but when you criticize my daughter and call her a "hoochie" then there is a problem.....especially if you are suppose to be one of her best friends! UGH....this stuff is ridiculous!
Now, most times I just give T the talk about being the bigger person and turning the other cheek and forgiving 7 times 70, but I am finally to a point of enough is enough. I am the perfect example of a doormat that will lay there and take it until I feel beat down like a mat, but I don't want to see my girls never stand up for themselves. They just simply must. I want T to be DONE with this friendship. She can forgive her but I don't ever want her to be sucked in to this unhealthy relationship again. I am speaking as one who has finally escaped a very unhealthy friendship that was more like a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship than what a friendship ought to be. I am begging my child to walk away from this friendship and not look back. This may not seem very Christian of me or very loving and forgiving, but I am so tired of seeing her hurt. No one should feel that they can beat down another person just to simply make themselves feel better. How sad for the girl who feels she must betray and even try to ruin the reputation of her so called friend to satisfy whatever is missing in her life.
As a mom, what do I do? I am teaching my child to be herself but to NOT be the doormat that I have been. She must stand up for herself and guard her heart from the hurts of people who simply don't care about anyone but themselves. I am very proud of T. She held her tongue, confronted the person, and did not degrade herself or the other girl at all. She stood up for herself and confronted the person head on. However, I know she is hurt. It is so hard to lose a friend over problems that just can not be resolved no matter how much you try. Some day she will hopefully look back and be grateful that she made a stand, walked away, and chose to pick friends that made healthy relationships/friendships for her. My prayer is that the one who has hurt my child will be found out soon and that she will learn that to have true friends, you must first be a true friend. It is a hard lesson to learn, but the sooner it is learned, the better.
As for me......I would never go back to high school......what a nightmare to live it again! Living it through my child is hard enough.
I hate girl drama. Really really I do. Why can't girls just get along? Why do they have to pick each other apart from top to bottom to make themselves feel better? Is it low self esteem or jealousy that drives someone to turn on their best friend and call them names you wouldn't even call your worse enemy? What is it?????
I hate watching my daughters fight through this phase in life. I'm sure there is still of form of this throughout our lives, but those high school years simply are the worst. I remember going through these same feelings and situations during my "Wonder Years" of high school. They stunk. You can't be friends with anyone without someone else getting angry. You can't be friends with a guy who might have a girlfriend because then you are called all kinds of unkind names. Just simply being a friend with a guy makes you a flirt and if your best friend thinks that you are acting the least bit different or getting the slightest bit of more attention from someone, you then become their target.
As a mom I want to just frankly slap some of the girls. It makes me crazy. I KNOW my daughters are not perfect. I usually ask them the first second they start complaining about someone or something they think is unfair "What did you DO to cause this problem?" Most of the time we can find the root of the problem with that, but in some cases, and with some people, it really isn't their fault. Some people just seem to not be able to be happy unless they are living in the middle of a fight. I guess it is the fun of playing "victim" to someone else's supposed offense to them. I can just hear it...."She talked to my boyfriend. She was flirting. She didn't call me first and so now I'm mad at her. EWWW, look at what she is wearing. Who does she think she is?" And the comments go on and on, but when you criticize my daughter and call her a "hoochie" then there is a problem.....especially if you are suppose to be one of her best friends! UGH....this stuff is ridiculous!
Now, most times I just give T the talk about being the bigger person and turning the other cheek and forgiving 7 times 70, but I am finally to a point of enough is enough. I am the perfect example of a doormat that will lay there and take it until I feel beat down like a mat, but I don't want to see my girls never stand up for themselves. They just simply must. I want T to be DONE with this friendship. She can forgive her but I don't ever want her to be sucked in to this unhealthy relationship again. I am speaking as one who has finally escaped a very unhealthy friendship that was more like a verbally and emotionally abusive relationship than what a friendship ought to be. I am begging my child to walk away from this friendship and not look back. This may not seem very Christian of me or very loving and forgiving, but I am so tired of seeing her hurt. No one should feel that they can beat down another person just to simply make themselves feel better. How sad for the girl who feels she must betray and even try to ruin the reputation of her so called friend to satisfy whatever is missing in her life.
As a mom, what do I do? I am teaching my child to be herself but to NOT be the doormat that I have been. She must stand up for herself and guard her heart from the hurts of people who simply don't care about anyone but themselves. I am very proud of T. She held her tongue, confronted the person, and did not degrade herself or the other girl at all. She stood up for herself and confronted the person head on. However, I know she is hurt. It is so hard to lose a friend over problems that just can not be resolved no matter how much you try. Some day she will hopefully look back and be grateful that she made a stand, walked away, and chose to pick friends that made healthy relationships/friendships for her. My prayer is that the one who has hurt my child will be found out soon and that she will learn that to have true friends, you must first be a true friend. It is a hard lesson to learn, but the sooner it is learned, the better.
As for me......I would never go back to high school......what a nightmare to live it again! Living it through my child is hard enough.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Sleepless Nights....
I have nothing great to share today. I am just plain tired. Several days have gone by with mixed up sleeping patterns and busy days to keep me going. I really can't explain the place I am in right now. It is as close to the "twilight zone" as I think I can get. I described it to a friend like this....it is that feeling of anticipation that keeps you awake with your mind running here, there and nowhere. You know you need to sleep. You want to turn off the brain, but yet, it won't stop. The bad part right now is that I can't even accomplish anything during this time. Most of the time when I do this, I have something to write OR read. Right now, I am just writing to do something!
So, I know the wedding is the thing I am anticipating. It is a week away. Tonight is the end of the "2 week window" of time and tomorrow we face 1 week until the big day. I believe we are ready. I hope we are ready. Wednesday will begin the final count down. We will begin decorating and getting everything that has piled up in my house put in its designated place for the wedding. Dresses are altered and pressed. Shoes are bought. Jewelry is ready. Mike's suit is here and the shirt and tie are perfect. We have hair appointments for the day of the wedding and nail appointments a few days before. RSVPs are still coming in which is great. The buzz is getting louder and my bank account is about drained. It feels like it is time for this event to happen.
With everything seeming to go according to plan, I still wonder why I won't sleep. Is it nerves? Anxiety? Stress? What??? I'm not sure. I know it is the most frustrating thing. The other night, or should I say morning, about 4 a.m., I finally gave up and began looking for something to take to help me sleep. Don't get me wrong....I don't normally take anything to sleep, but I had come to a place of such frustration that I needed to sleep. I searched the cabinet for benadryl. That always helps me sleep. I was even willing to take 2 if that was what it would take to make me rest. There was none. Then I looked for the phenegren that I knew we had somewhere. Again, I knew it would make me rest, but I could not find it. Finally I settled on a long lost anxiety pill I had carried in my purse forever. I hate taking them, but at one point in this past year, I had to because the anxiety attacks had gotten so strong. That night was another time that I felt I needed it. I took my little half pill and soon went in to a hard sleep. That is one reason I don't like to take them. I feel so out of it and totally useless, but at this point, I seriously needed to relax. I awoke the next morning with a drugged feeling and very little sense of rest. I could never be addicted to any medication. I hate that feeling of being out of it!
Now, I'm out of the meds and left again to face another long night. Mike is gone this weekend which will make it even worse. So, what do I do? Pray. I am praying for the ability to rest. Praying for the ability to not worry. Praying that I let go of my hold on control and just let God be in control. I honestly don't do any justice to being in control of anything. I should just let it go and rest.
However, the truth is I believe there is such a deeper issue to all of this. My baby girl is getting married. I am extremely proud of her and happy for them. I love Todd and I know he is who God has planned for Ashton all along. I have no doubt that they will be happy and be just fine on their own. I think the thing that is really killing me is that I let so many days go by. I missed so many moments and opportunities to make memories with Ashton and now, those days are gone. I know, we will have many other opportunities to make many more memories and our relationship as mother and daughter will change and get stronger, BUT that is not what I feel right now. Right now I miss my little girl. The one that crawled up in my lap and snuggled her head on my shoulder. That baby girl that was my real life baby doll that I dressed in pink and lace every chance I got. She is that first baby, the one I learned how to be a mommy with and the one that saw me at my worse and again at my best too. I miss my little girl. I will miss her being here. Her place will forever be different in this house. She will be an adult, married woman, with her own husband, house and life to live that will not depend on her parents at all.
I've known this was coming. I have even been preparing myself for it. Those 2 years of her gone to college was good for me to break away some, but it does not change what I feel. I know not all moms probably feel the loss that I do when their daughters get married, but I know there are others that understand what I am saying. My girls have always been very close to me. I know I am not really loosing her, but those Saturday mornings without Mike around when all 3 girls pile in my bed and we giggle and watch movies and just talk will forever be different. Yes, life will be filled with many new great memories with my baby girl and she is not even leaving the county! She will be near by, but my heart is still aching. My tears want to flow but I don't want her to worry about me or see me so sad, but sadness is what I feel. Sadness surrounded by love and pride and joy and excitement and great anticipation. My baby girl is grown up. She is going to be a beautiful bride. She is going to be a fantastic wife and mother someday. This is what we have prepared her to be. It is time for me to let her go and grow into the woman God has created her to be, but forever in my heart, she will be my baby girl.
So, I know the wedding is the thing I am anticipating. It is a week away. Tonight is the end of the "2 week window" of time and tomorrow we face 1 week until the big day. I believe we are ready. I hope we are ready. Wednesday will begin the final count down. We will begin decorating and getting everything that has piled up in my house put in its designated place for the wedding. Dresses are altered and pressed. Shoes are bought. Jewelry is ready. Mike's suit is here and the shirt and tie are perfect. We have hair appointments for the day of the wedding and nail appointments a few days before. RSVPs are still coming in which is great. The buzz is getting louder and my bank account is about drained. It feels like it is time for this event to happen.
With everything seeming to go according to plan, I still wonder why I won't sleep. Is it nerves? Anxiety? Stress? What??? I'm not sure. I know it is the most frustrating thing. The other night, or should I say morning, about 4 a.m., I finally gave up and began looking for something to take to help me sleep. Don't get me wrong....I don't normally take anything to sleep, but I had come to a place of such frustration that I needed to sleep. I searched the cabinet for benadryl. That always helps me sleep. I was even willing to take 2 if that was what it would take to make me rest. There was none. Then I looked for the phenegren that I knew we had somewhere. Again, I knew it would make me rest, but I could not find it. Finally I settled on a long lost anxiety pill I had carried in my purse forever. I hate taking them, but at one point in this past year, I had to because the anxiety attacks had gotten so strong. That night was another time that I felt I needed it. I took my little half pill and soon went in to a hard sleep. That is one reason I don't like to take them. I feel so out of it and totally useless, but at this point, I seriously needed to relax. I awoke the next morning with a drugged feeling and very little sense of rest. I could never be addicted to any medication. I hate that feeling of being out of it!
Now, I'm out of the meds and left again to face another long night. Mike is gone this weekend which will make it even worse. So, what do I do? Pray. I am praying for the ability to rest. Praying for the ability to not worry. Praying that I let go of my hold on control and just let God be in control. I honestly don't do any justice to being in control of anything. I should just let it go and rest.
However, the truth is I believe there is such a deeper issue to all of this. My baby girl is getting married. I am extremely proud of her and happy for them. I love Todd and I know he is who God has planned for Ashton all along. I have no doubt that they will be happy and be just fine on their own. I think the thing that is really killing me is that I let so many days go by. I missed so many moments and opportunities to make memories with Ashton and now, those days are gone. I know, we will have many other opportunities to make many more memories and our relationship as mother and daughter will change and get stronger, BUT that is not what I feel right now. Right now I miss my little girl. The one that crawled up in my lap and snuggled her head on my shoulder. That baby girl that was my real life baby doll that I dressed in pink and lace every chance I got. She is that first baby, the one I learned how to be a mommy with and the one that saw me at my worse and again at my best too. I miss my little girl. I will miss her being here. Her place will forever be different in this house. She will be an adult, married woman, with her own husband, house and life to live that will not depend on her parents at all.
I've known this was coming. I have even been preparing myself for it. Those 2 years of her gone to college was good for me to break away some, but it does not change what I feel. I know not all moms probably feel the loss that I do when their daughters get married, but I know there are others that understand what I am saying. My girls have always been very close to me. I know I am not really loosing her, but those Saturday mornings without Mike around when all 3 girls pile in my bed and we giggle and watch movies and just talk will forever be different. Yes, life will be filled with many new great memories with my baby girl and she is not even leaving the county! She will be near by, but my heart is still aching. My tears want to flow but I don't want her to worry about me or see me so sad, but sadness is what I feel. Sadness surrounded by love and pride and joy and excitement and great anticipation. My baby girl is grown up. She is going to be a beautiful bride. She is going to be a fantastic wife and mother someday. This is what we have prepared her to be. It is time for me to let her go and grow into the woman God has created her to be, but forever in my heart, she will be my baby girl.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Count Down Begins...
Yes, I am counting down the days! They are coming and going quickly and less than 3 weeks from now, my baby girl will be a married woman. I can't even attempt to explain how all this makes me feel. Joy, nervousness, anxiety, sadness, loss, grief, excitement, anger.....all rolled in to one. It is crazy. I'm extremely happy for her and proud of her and at the same time I am extremely sad. I am also angry at all those days I let go by in her youth that we did not make memories to hold on to. I think of the doll houses I didn't buy, the swing sets that were never "upgraded", the little things I didn't take the time to do because life kept rushing past us. Now, those days are gone. She is grown and about to leave home for good. Gone are those opportunities. Sadness again sweeps over me.
I feel like a bundle of crazy emotions. One minute I'm happy the next snapping heads off then crying. Staying busy is the best for me to keep my mind occupied but that is also wearing down my body. I'm not eating right if I remember to eat. You would think I would be loosing weight, but that just doesn't happen. My body wants to be still and my mind does too, but that would allow for me to think and feel and process what is really going on around me and I just don't want to do that. Not yet....after....when I can cry and she won't see me.
She is also starting to break. I've seen more tears from her in the last week than in the last several years. Stress is getting us both. We try to take it a day at a time, but sometimes that is more than we can handle. Minute by minute, hour by hour, that's about as good as we can do.
The things left to do are minimum. Buy the bubbles for the reception. Burn the cds of music. Check the slideshow with the churches programs and make sure it will all run right. Get my dress altered, yea, I'm a little late on that one. Make sure her dress is steamed and wrinkle free.
This is a wonderful time and I am trying to enjoy every second but with all of us at an anxious level of excitement, things are becoming more tense every day.
It will all be fine. She will beautiful. They will be happy. The day will be wonderful. I just have to survive the next 3 weeks. And so, the count down begins....
I feel like a bundle of crazy emotions. One minute I'm happy the next snapping heads off then crying. Staying busy is the best for me to keep my mind occupied but that is also wearing down my body. I'm not eating right if I remember to eat. You would think I would be loosing weight, but that just doesn't happen. My body wants to be still and my mind does too, but that would allow for me to think and feel and process what is really going on around me and I just don't want to do that. Not yet....after....when I can cry and she won't see me.
She is also starting to break. I've seen more tears from her in the last week than in the last several years. Stress is getting us both. We try to take it a day at a time, but sometimes that is more than we can handle. Minute by minute, hour by hour, that's about as good as we can do.
The things left to do are minimum. Buy the bubbles for the reception. Burn the cds of music. Check the slideshow with the churches programs and make sure it will all run right. Get my dress altered, yea, I'm a little late on that one. Make sure her dress is steamed and wrinkle free.
This is a wonderful time and I am trying to enjoy every second but with all of us at an anxious level of excitement, things are becoming more tense every day.
It will all be fine. She will beautiful. They will be happy. The day will be wonderful. I just have to survive the next 3 weeks. And so, the count down begins....
Friday, June 27, 2008
Climbing the Mountain....
I was lying awake tonight thinking, as is usual for those nights I have to write, about Mike and Tara and their yearly treks up a mountain in Colorado. This year they are not getting to go which has both of them quite disappointed. They love the mountains; so do I, however, I do not care to make that hike up. I am not a wilderness girl. I like my modern conveniences such as air conditioning, running water, soft bed, you know the things that make us comfortable. They however live for the week of roughing it.
I admit, I would love to spend time in God's beautiful creation but I don't care for sleeping out with bears. I'm not sure I could even make the climb. I know I would not be real comfortable with repelling off the cliff. White water rafting might scare me too much to actually do it, but I would love to see God's creation that way. Mike tells me that his solo time on the mountains with God is what he looks forward to the most. It is his time when he feels closest to Him and can almost hear God speaking. The times that he and Tara have spent together climbing the mountains, carrying their burdensome packs and surviving in the wilderness, have been challenging and rewarding for them both.
I guess it is this trip that has my mind on the story of Abraham and Isaac. He and his son made a trek up a mountain too. When I think of them I can see the excitement in Isaac's eyes when his father told him they were going on a trip. A trip much like the one my family takes. They were going to the mountain to worship God and make a sacrifice to Him. A father and son on their own trek. I can imagine the conversations they had as they walked along. How Abraham must have told Isaac stories of God and how He had promised a son to Abraham in his old age. I'm sure he told Isaac of the promise to make his descendants as numerous as the stars and that they would be God's people all along knowing their was another purpose for this trip that Isaac did not know. Abraham had desired a son and God had promised him a son. THEN, once he had the son that God had promised, God asked him to give him up. And even worse than that, God asked him to SACRIFICE his son to Him! This was the purpose of their trek.
I haven't ever been able to understand how Abraham walked up that mountain. Walking with his son and knowing that these were possibly the last few moments he would spend with him. He built that alter, and gathered the wood and laid it carefully upon the alter. Then came the time he had to tell his son the truth. He then picked him up and tied his promised, loved and ONLY son to the alter. Talk about faith and devotion. I think that Abraham had either tremendous faith to believe God would bring Isaac back to life or that He would provide another way. I also see that Abraham loved the Lord even more than the greatest desire of his heart, his son.
I did a study recently on idols and what we set our hearts and desires on. If it is anything other than God first, then we have an idol. That hit home to me. I put my kids and Mike above just about everything and everyone, as it should be, but I realized I also put them above God many many times. I also don't believe I could have walked to the top of that mountain to sacrifice any of them.
What did God want from Abraham? I believe he wanted to know if Abraham loved Him above all. Did Abraham desire his son over his relationship with his God? What was first in Abraham's life? What about you? What about me? What if, and this is hard for me, God asked me to love him and in that process it would mean losing my family? Could I make that sacrifice? Could you?
I ask you this because I think God wants to know that even if we don't have the desires of our hearts, will we love Him? I feel that He is asking us if we really believe, really trust, and truly believe that HE is all we need and that HE is faithful to His word and His promises. Will you walk to the top of the mountain, build the alter, place the promised desire of your heart upon it, and sacrifice it, believing that God will replace it, restore it, or be all you need? I've asked myself this question many times. My answer is not as brave as Abraham's, but I believe it is what God would want of me too. Nothing can be more important in our lives than our relationship and devotion to God. I also believe that just as He provided a way out for Abraham and restored Isaac to his father, He will keep His promises to us and restore what may feel lost.
Each year when Mike and Tara leave for their adventure on the mountain, I often feel that tug at my heart, that fear of losing them during their trip. Each year I have to give them up to God and His mountain. Each year He has given them back to me and our family. Everything that is good in my life has come from Him. Everything that I have is His. Above all, the desires of my heart need to be my relationship with God and then those He has given to me. It is hard to imagine how Abraham must have felt that day. Did he question God or did he fully believe, fully trust? He showed he was willing to fully obey. I don't know that I could have even begun to climb that mountain.
I admit, I would love to spend time in God's beautiful creation but I don't care for sleeping out with bears. I'm not sure I could even make the climb. I know I would not be real comfortable with repelling off the cliff. White water rafting might scare me too much to actually do it, but I would love to see God's creation that way. Mike tells me that his solo time on the mountains with God is what he looks forward to the most. It is his time when he feels closest to Him and can almost hear God speaking. The times that he and Tara have spent together climbing the mountains, carrying their burdensome packs and surviving in the wilderness, have been challenging and rewarding for them both.
I guess it is this trip that has my mind on the story of Abraham and Isaac. He and his son made a trek up a mountain too. When I think of them I can see the excitement in Isaac's eyes when his father told him they were going on a trip. A trip much like the one my family takes. They were going to the mountain to worship God and make a sacrifice to Him. A father and son on their own trek. I can imagine the conversations they had as they walked along. How Abraham must have told Isaac stories of God and how He had promised a son to Abraham in his old age. I'm sure he told Isaac of the promise to make his descendants as numerous as the stars and that they would be God's people all along knowing their was another purpose for this trip that Isaac did not know. Abraham had desired a son and God had promised him a son. THEN, once he had the son that God had promised, God asked him to give him up. And even worse than that, God asked him to SACRIFICE his son to Him! This was the purpose of their trek.
I haven't ever been able to understand how Abraham walked up that mountain. Walking with his son and knowing that these were possibly the last few moments he would spend with him. He built that alter, and gathered the wood and laid it carefully upon the alter. Then came the time he had to tell his son the truth. He then picked him up and tied his promised, loved and ONLY son to the alter. Talk about faith and devotion. I think that Abraham had either tremendous faith to believe God would bring Isaac back to life or that He would provide another way. I also see that Abraham loved the Lord even more than the greatest desire of his heart, his son.
I did a study recently on idols and what we set our hearts and desires on. If it is anything other than God first, then we have an idol. That hit home to me. I put my kids and Mike above just about everything and everyone, as it should be, but I realized I also put them above God many many times. I also don't believe I could have walked to the top of that mountain to sacrifice any of them.
What did God want from Abraham? I believe he wanted to know if Abraham loved Him above all. Did Abraham desire his son over his relationship with his God? What was first in Abraham's life? What about you? What about me? What if, and this is hard for me, God asked me to love him and in that process it would mean losing my family? Could I make that sacrifice? Could you?
I ask you this because I think God wants to know that even if we don't have the desires of our hearts, will we love Him? I feel that He is asking us if we really believe, really trust, and truly believe that HE is all we need and that HE is faithful to His word and His promises. Will you walk to the top of the mountain, build the alter, place the promised desire of your heart upon it, and sacrifice it, believing that God will replace it, restore it, or be all you need? I've asked myself this question many times. My answer is not as brave as Abraham's, but I believe it is what God would want of me too. Nothing can be more important in our lives than our relationship and devotion to God. I also believe that just as He provided a way out for Abraham and restored Isaac to his father, He will keep His promises to us and restore what may feel lost.
Each year when Mike and Tara leave for their adventure on the mountain, I often feel that tug at my heart, that fear of losing them during their trip. Each year I have to give them up to God and His mountain. Each year He has given them back to me and our family. Everything that is good in my life has come from Him. Everything that I have is His. Above all, the desires of my heart need to be my relationship with God and then those He has given to me. It is hard to imagine how Abraham must have felt that day. Did he question God or did he fully believe, fully trust? He showed he was willing to fully obey. I don't know that I could have even begun to climb that mountain.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
On Her Own....
Well, we did it! We took our baby girl off two hours away and dumped her in the middle of nowhere! Seriously, it is the middle of NOWHERE! Or, you could call it the sticks, boondocks, outback, or whatever you want to call the middle of the woods in East Texas. Two hours from Kaufman and many twists and turns later, we arrived at my baby girl's new home for the next two weeks. Camp Deer Run!
It didn't hit me until on the ride home that she was going to have to navigate this world on her own for the first time in her life. She has always had the protection and guidance of one of us. She is blessed with 3 moms in many ways. She doesn't like it all the time that she has the two sister-moms to keep an ever watchful eye on her, but she loves having them take care of her needs. She is never far from someone who knows one of us or can care for her if we are not quickly available. But this time, she is pretty much on her own. She does have someone to look after her, but it is just not the same. They don't know her. They don't know what scares her or makes her sad. She will have to navigate these two weeks without anyone who really knows her.
Okay, so I am a little over dramatic....maybe that is where Chelsea gets it.... However, it did seem like we drove forever away and left her in middle of the woods. She is my baby girl. My little baby, who will turn 10 in a week without me. She will sleep in a cabin full of strangers....with the exception of one friend that is with her....and will be cared for by a very young woman. This first camp experience for her should be a great one and I am praying she will love every minute of it.
The camp was very nice in comparison to some I have seen. Her cabin is even right next to the bath house. She won't have to trek through the woods to find the potty in the middle of the night. She is sleeping on a top bunk and Mike rigged up her fan so it blows right on top of her. Her dirty clothes bag is hanging on her bed corner and everything else is perfectly packed and stored where it should be. Her friend is on the top bunk right beside her. She got her bed made and was seeming to get to know some of the girls....well at least the one directly under her bunk.
It was already hot and I noticed a bug bite on her neck already. We sprayed her down with bug spray and gave those last few instructions about staying safe and being sure to wear the spray every day. We even remembered to pack a bottle of clear fingernail polish to put on those bites. Hopefully we covered all the bases before we kissed her good-bye.
(Chelsea is in this group pic. She is standing in front of the girl with the bright green shirt. She has on a grey shirt, blue jean capris and pink shoes. Looks like she is having fun!)
It didn't hit me until on the ride home that she was going to have to navigate this world on her own for the first time in her life. She has always had the protection and guidance of one of us. She is blessed with 3 moms in many ways. She doesn't like it all the time that she has the two sister-moms to keep an ever watchful eye on her, but she loves having them take care of her needs. She is never far from someone who knows one of us or can care for her if we are not quickly available. But this time, she is pretty much on her own. She does have someone to look after her, but it is just not the same. They don't know her. They don't know what scares her or makes her sad. She will have to navigate these two weeks without anyone who really knows her.I've known people who have moved in to our church family or my work family, who have been pretty much on their own. No one who really knows them or is there as their support. I grew up and still have a large portion of family around me. Family has always been more than available around us. Family, whether by birth or by many years living and working and growing up together, have always been a part of reality for me and has often made life easier. I don't really understand how people make it without that support system. How lonely life would really be! On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if I have missed out on some growing experiences by never having been very far from that support system. I know that I have a hard time standing alone and being "brave" in this world. Some of that is because I didn't go and be on my own very much. I'm not sure I would have been able to make it very long in this big world without my system of support.
But this is not about me....this is about my baby girl learning to be brave in this world. She, like her sisters, will figure out how to get along with girls that are different. As I watched other moms set up their daughter's bed or hang the fans, I realized we are not the only ones going through the feelings of anxiousness at leaving our baby girl. Some of the girls seem much more unsure of themselves than Chels. One little girl seemed to just be counting the minutes until her mom would leave. I thought I was overbearing at times! I had nothing on this mom. Poor little girl....this must be her escape! Then there was Chelsea's friend, who's mom didn't even walk to the cabin to help her. She did it all on her own. When we left, she was looking for her parents for her good-bye hug.
I know, really I do know, that Chels will be okay. She will learn a lot about herself. She will learn to spread those independent wings and fly on her own, without the watchful eye of her family. Here she will begin to really develop who she is in her own skin, who she is when we aren't watching. She will grow, she will fall, she will hurt, she will cry and, she will laugh and smile some too. Life and growing up is full of adventures and these two weeks will be the beginning of some of those for my baby girl. I ask that you keep her in your prayers. Pray that she had a blast and learns more about herself. But most of all, pray that her relationship with God grows deeper and that her young heart finds that He is always with her, even when I can't be.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Eye of the Beholder....
Today was such an exciting day. Ashton and I picked up her bridal portraits that were taken last week. What beautiful pictures of my baby girl! As I looked at the portraits I was amazed to see such a stunning young woman staring back at me. Where was that little girl? What happened to that teenager? Where did my baby go? No, none of them were there. The person I saw smiling back at me through those portraits was a woman....a beautiful, confident, strong, independent young woman with her whole life ahead of her. To say I was a proud momma would be an understatement. My heart was full!
My daughter looked at the same beautiful pictures with such a different perspective. She picked out every little flaw. I believe she even saw some that just were not there! She didn't see what I saw. She saw her hair out of place. She spotted every imperfection she could imagine. Each pose had something that she didn't like about herself. Too short, too posed, not a real smile, eyes not right, shows too much of my curves....you name it, she saw it.
Now, before you think she is over critical of herself or has an issue with her self-esteem or self-image, let me assure you she was not totally disappointed. She found several pictures that she likes and a few she even loves. I don't believe she was more critical than any one of us would be in the same situation. I know I was the same way with my portraits from so many years ago, and if I tell the truth, I am the same way today when I see any picture of myself.
Why is it that we don't see ourselves as others see us? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why could she not see the same beautiful, confident, independent, young woman that I saw? As I thought about how hard she was on herself I heard a lot of the same things that I would say about myself. Is it pride that makes us judge ourselves so harshly? I heard a wise woman say today that "our insecurities are just another form of pride." Ouch! I never thought of myself as prideful, nor would I consider my daughter prideful, but we both suffer from insecurities when it comes to our self images. I dare say almost every woman does.
What would it take to look at ourselves with the same eyes that our Father in heaven looks down on us with? The Bible tells us that God looks at a man's (or woman's) heart, not on their outward appearance. Why is it then that we focus so much on that outward self rather than the inward? I can not even begin to imagine how much money is spent each year on making women look like the image we think we should have. Diets, surgeries, artificial this and that, spray on tans or maybe the fake-bake ones, make-up, new hair cuts, the latest styles, and the right accessories all to make us fit the image of a beautiful woman. I'm guilty. Too guilty of many of these things.
When I think of the Proverbs 31 version of a woman, I don't see a description of an outwardly beautiful woman, but of a beauty that comes from deep within and pours out every part of the woman's character. When will we see ourselves like this woman? When will we let go of the image that the world says we are to portray and grasp the image of a woman of God whose beauty is greater than any riches?
My daughter is beautiful in my eyes....inside and out. Her beauty may not be that of the world's standard. She is not a size "barbie" but she is an amazing young woman. Her heart is so loving and kind and her integrity speaks of someone with a desire to be who God wants her to be. Kind, loving, considerate, gentle, tenderhearted, dependable, and simply amazing to me. If only we would listen to our Father when He tells us how beautiful we are to Him, even with our freckles, and gap teeth, thin hair and too big noses. Our hips that don't fit a size "Gidget" and our legs that may have a few dimples and veins. A pudge here or there and a scar or two do not make us any less beautiful or worthy. Whose eyes are we looking through....Our Father's eyes see so much more than the world's!
I can't wait until you all see my beautiful daughter!
My daughter looked at the same beautiful pictures with such a different perspective. She picked out every little flaw. I believe she even saw some that just were not there! She didn't see what I saw. She saw her hair out of place. She spotted every imperfection she could imagine. Each pose had something that she didn't like about herself. Too short, too posed, not a real smile, eyes not right, shows too much of my curves....you name it, she saw it.
Now, before you think she is over critical of herself or has an issue with her self-esteem or self-image, let me assure you she was not totally disappointed. She found several pictures that she likes and a few she even loves. I don't believe she was more critical than any one of us would be in the same situation. I know I was the same way with my portraits from so many years ago, and if I tell the truth, I am the same way today when I see any picture of myself.
Why is it that we don't see ourselves as others see us? Why are we so hard on ourselves? Why could she not see the same beautiful, confident, independent, young woman that I saw? As I thought about how hard she was on herself I heard a lot of the same things that I would say about myself. Is it pride that makes us judge ourselves so harshly? I heard a wise woman say today that "our insecurities are just another form of pride." Ouch! I never thought of myself as prideful, nor would I consider my daughter prideful, but we both suffer from insecurities when it comes to our self images. I dare say almost every woman does.
What would it take to look at ourselves with the same eyes that our Father in heaven looks down on us with? The Bible tells us that God looks at a man's (or woman's) heart, not on their outward appearance. Why is it then that we focus so much on that outward self rather than the inward? I can not even begin to imagine how much money is spent each year on making women look like the image we think we should have. Diets, surgeries, artificial this and that, spray on tans or maybe the fake-bake ones, make-up, new hair cuts, the latest styles, and the right accessories all to make us fit the image of a beautiful woman. I'm guilty. Too guilty of many of these things.
When I think of the Proverbs 31 version of a woman, I don't see a description of an outwardly beautiful woman, but of a beauty that comes from deep within and pours out every part of the woman's character. When will we see ourselves like this woman? When will we let go of the image that the world says we are to portray and grasp the image of a woman of God whose beauty is greater than any riches?
My daughter is beautiful in my eyes....inside and out. Her beauty may not be that of the world's standard. She is not a size "barbie" but she is an amazing young woman. Her heart is so loving and kind and her integrity speaks of someone with a desire to be who God wants her to be. Kind, loving, considerate, gentle, tenderhearted, dependable, and simply amazing to me. If only we would listen to our Father when He tells us how beautiful we are to Him, even with our freckles, and gap teeth, thin hair and too big noses. Our hips that don't fit a size "Gidget" and our legs that may have a few dimples and veins. A pudge here or there and a scar or two do not make us any less beautiful or worthy. Whose eyes are we looking through....Our Father's eyes see so much more than the world's!
I can't wait until you all see my beautiful daughter!
Monday, June 09, 2008
Headaches, heartburn, and housework....
I think the title of this explains it all. My head has hurt all day long. I finally took something that seems to work, but now I'm wide awake. I think it had caffeine in it! I ate ice cream tonight to try to cool down and that seems to, for some reason, have given me heartburn and upset my stomach. Then there is the housework.....no, I'm not working on any of it tonight, but it is on my mind. I have a constant list running through my head of what I should be doing during this time of sleeplessness. However, I chose to surf the mighty web instead!
Really my head is full of wedding stuff. I have to admit that it keeps me up at night, but not really in a bad way. I am truly excited about this event and Ashton and I are doing great as far as getting along and working together on this. We have been warned that we will get to a place of frustration and aggravation with each other, but so far, so good. I remember my mom and I getting to that place rather quickly! I am hoping I can really try not to drive my daughter crazy.
The wedding plans are coming along. Many people ask how we are doing with the plans, so I will lay some of it out here. We met with Robyn again last week and I have a list of "to do's" and "find out" to work on. I have already started on the list. We have a "house party" lined up to help with the reception and clean up afterwards. I was told I would NOT be cleaning up, so I am trying to make sure we have people to help with that. I also have found a punch bowl for the wedding. We decided to have fruits and cheese and crackers as appetizers for the guests while they wait for us to finish with pictures. We also met with Laura and picked out the cakes and decided on keeping things simple but with very unique touches to make it all Ashton.
My list of to dos is still quite long. The napkins I had ordered have been discontinued so now I have to find napkins again. Ashton also wants a cake topper that is a bit unique so I need to find it. I need to call Jennifer about the dishes for the wedding that have been offered to us. I need to find the punch cups and buy the other little things like bubbles. I still have the programs to work on. I have to find the right paper and then figure out how to put the whole thing together! It seems like time has flown by and we really only have 2 months left. I need my extra money to come in quickly so I can work on buying the things we need to finish the plans out. No wonder I can't sleep. I really am not too stressed, but these things run races through my head and are probably the reason I have a headache!
On another note, I am preparing to send my baby girl, Chels, off to camp for 2 weeks! YES, two weeks! She has never been to camp and I have never let her be gone that long. It is going to be harder on me than on her, I'm afraid. She leaves on Father's Day. She will be gone on her birthday too. We will get to go see her on the Sunday between the two weeks, and if she is ready to come home then, we will bring her home. Knowing Chels, she will be fine and wanting to stay the next week too. It will be ME that has the problem with her being gone.
My budget and my diet are two areas that are also on my mind...alot! I am part of this wonderful accountability group and in our discussions, I have been really convicted of my need to get a hold of both my budget and my diet. Both have been running me instead of me running them! The budget kind of went out the window with the wedding. I know I need to get a grip and fast so we are not broke by the wedding. My diet....well, consists of whatever is quickest and easiest to grab. That usually means fast food. YUCK. The other side of that is that it is too hot to eat real food and so I find that I turn to ice cream to cool down. However, it has turned on me and cause my stomach issues tonight.
Well, I think I have probably rambled enough tonight and maybe now I can try to sleep. I'm sure as this wedding draws closer I will have other sleepless rambling night posts to share. Any ideas and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated! Hugs....
Really my head is full of wedding stuff. I have to admit that it keeps me up at night, but not really in a bad way. I am truly excited about this event and Ashton and I are doing great as far as getting along and working together on this. We have been warned that we will get to a place of frustration and aggravation with each other, but so far, so good. I remember my mom and I getting to that place rather quickly! I am hoping I can really try not to drive my daughter crazy.
The wedding plans are coming along. Many people ask how we are doing with the plans, so I will lay some of it out here. We met with Robyn again last week and I have a list of "to do's" and "find out" to work on. I have already started on the list. We have a "house party" lined up to help with the reception and clean up afterwards. I was told I would NOT be cleaning up, so I am trying to make sure we have people to help with that. I also have found a punch bowl for the wedding. We decided to have fruits and cheese and crackers as appetizers for the guests while they wait for us to finish with pictures. We also met with Laura and picked out the cakes and decided on keeping things simple but with very unique touches to make it all Ashton.
My list of to dos is still quite long. The napkins I had ordered have been discontinued so now I have to find napkins again. Ashton also wants a cake topper that is a bit unique so I need to find it. I need to call Jennifer about the dishes for the wedding that have been offered to us. I need to find the punch cups and buy the other little things like bubbles. I still have the programs to work on. I have to find the right paper and then figure out how to put the whole thing together! It seems like time has flown by and we really only have 2 months left. I need my extra money to come in quickly so I can work on buying the things we need to finish the plans out. No wonder I can't sleep. I really am not too stressed, but these things run races through my head and are probably the reason I have a headache!
On another note, I am preparing to send my baby girl, Chels, off to camp for 2 weeks! YES, two weeks! She has never been to camp and I have never let her be gone that long. It is going to be harder on me than on her, I'm afraid. She leaves on Father's Day. She will be gone on her birthday too. We will get to go see her on the Sunday between the two weeks, and if she is ready to come home then, we will bring her home. Knowing Chels, she will be fine and wanting to stay the next week too. It will be ME that has the problem with her being gone.
My budget and my diet are two areas that are also on my mind...alot! I am part of this wonderful accountability group and in our discussions, I have been really convicted of my need to get a hold of both my budget and my diet. Both have been running me instead of me running them! The budget kind of went out the window with the wedding. I know I need to get a grip and fast so we are not broke by the wedding. My diet....well, consists of whatever is quickest and easiest to grab. That usually means fast food. YUCK. The other side of that is that it is too hot to eat real food and so I find that I turn to ice cream to cool down. However, it has turned on me and cause my stomach issues tonight.
Well, I think I have probably rambled enough tonight and maybe now I can try to sleep. I'm sure as this wedding draws closer I will have other sleepless rambling night posts to share. Any ideas and words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated! Hugs....
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Endings....and new beginnings
Today is one of those days....the end of another school year. Saying goodbye to those little faces one more time and preparing my classroom for the summer is always bitter sweet. I won't say I ever cry over missing those babies, but it is somewhat sad. However, today I was glad to see a few of them go! (wink wink)
This year ends so many parts of what is "normal" for me. The end of a seven year partnership and of teaching social studies. I can truly say I loved them both. However I know change is good. As I packed up parts of my room, took down my world map, shredded personal papers of my students, and sent duplicate copies of papers to the recycle bin, it reminded me how final the end of this year was. I then walked in my partner's room to see blank walls and bare bulletin boards. Gone were all signs of the life that had been in that room. Gone were some the smiley faces that decorated the walls. Gone were all the familiar things that use to welcome me. It all felt so cold and unknown. It was like a great big exclamation point on the end of this year.
Tomorrow will be a new beginning. A new partner will move next door to begin setting up shop for the next school year. As I leave my room tomorrow for a quiet (yea right) summer of making wedding plans and catching up with house work, I know that the new year will bring a new beginning for me. As always, new faces of anxious little ones ready to learn....at least we want them to be ready to learn. This year will bring Chelsea, my baby girl, to my school as a 5th grader. It will bring a new set of partners....a team of 4 teachers this time. It will bring a new teaching assignment of reading only and with two classes of honor students and two of my regular/esl babies. It will mean i will have a senior in high school for a daughter and another daughter married. The fall will be full of change in my life. Change I am not usually good at. To embrace this time in my life and force myself to a place of confidence with everything I know turned upside down, is the hardest thing I may ever do.
Truth is I am sad. I am grieving the loss of my friendship with my partner. As much as this partnership needed to end. It needed to end for my sanity and for her to finally see that some things had to change. Even though there have been good days in our 7 years teaching together, I have had enough of the bad. I have carried so many burdens that have not been mine and cared for so many things that I don't really know how to just take care of me or just my class. I am sad. I have cried and could easily cry now as I think about the emptiness of the room next to me and the missing friend. But as I look forward instead of back, I see a time where I don't have to shield or guard one person from another. I see a time where I can laugh and joke around and not be criticized by my choice in friends and activities. I look forward to wanting to go to work and be around the people I work with instead of tip toeing around my own classroom to keep the peace. I see this new beginning as a new chance at living my life.
This year ends so many parts of what is "normal" for me. The end of a seven year partnership and of teaching social studies. I can truly say I loved them both. However I know change is good. As I packed up parts of my room, took down my world map, shredded personal papers of my students, and sent duplicate copies of papers to the recycle bin, it reminded me how final the end of this year was. I then walked in my partner's room to see blank walls and bare bulletin boards. Gone were all signs of the life that had been in that room. Gone were some the smiley faces that decorated the walls. Gone were all the familiar things that use to welcome me. It all felt so cold and unknown. It was like a great big exclamation point on the end of this year.
Tomorrow will be a new beginning. A new partner will move next door to begin setting up shop for the next school year. As I leave my room tomorrow for a quiet (yea right) summer of making wedding plans and catching up with house work, I know that the new year will bring a new beginning for me. As always, new faces of anxious little ones ready to learn....at least we want them to be ready to learn. This year will bring Chelsea, my baby girl, to my school as a 5th grader. It will bring a new set of partners....a team of 4 teachers this time. It will bring a new teaching assignment of reading only and with two classes of honor students and two of my regular/esl babies. It will mean i will have a senior in high school for a daughter and another daughter married. The fall will be full of change in my life. Change I am not usually good at. To embrace this time in my life and force myself to a place of confidence with everything I know turned upside down, is the hardest thing I may ever do.
Truth is I am sad. I am grieving the loss of my friendship with my partner. As much as this partnership needed to end. It needed to end for my sanity and for her to finally see that some things had to change. Even though there have been good days in our 7 years teaching together, I have had enough of the bad. I have carried so many burdens that have not been mine and cared for so many things that I don't really know how to just take care of me or just my class. I am sad. I have cried and could easily cry now as I think about the emptiness of the room next to me and the missing friend. But as I look forward instead of back, I see a time where I don't have to shield or guard one person from another. I see a time where I can laugh and joke around and not be criticized by my choice in friends and activities. I look forward to wanting to go to work and be around the people I work with instead of tip toeing around my own classroom to keep the peace. I see this new beginning as a new chance at living my life.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Wedding Showers....
I love wedding showers! They are so much fun and festive! I really like them when they are for someone close to me....like my daughter. This has been a wonderful weekend filled with family and friends and love. I am amazed at how much God has blessed my child with things to start her future as a wife. So many lovely gifts and so much love put in to the planning for this event showed the bonds of friendship and God's love to she and I. Not only did so many give of their money for Ashton, but also much of their time. It was truly special.
The brunch started at 10 a.m. on Saturday and went until 12:00. To the best of my ability I believe the count of people there was about 55....counting the bride to be! I was amazed! On a Saturday morning when so many people have such busy lives, they carved out these 2 hours to honor my baby girl. She was so touched and so was I. The outpouring of love just really means so much to me. My mom and I visited for hours after the party and it made the day just special all the way around.
Ashton spent the afternoon unpacking bags and boxes in her and Todd's new house. I remember doing that and going through all the wonderful new prizes given to us. She set up some of the gifts and put the new tablecloth given to them on their dinning table. The evening was spent on thank you notes. She is not near finished. We read all the cards again and just thought of how blessed we have been in this family of God's people.
It is starting to really feel real to me. Mother-of-the-bride is becoming a reality. I sat beside her and just couldn't believe this was all happening. I ordered my dress for the wedding yesterday too. I think I am going to be able to do this!
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Walking away....
I am thankful for tomorrows. Today has been a day. I need to process it a little more, thus the reason I am up at almost midnight still wide awake. Today has been such a day!
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
What happened? you ask. Well, it is a long story but one I must think through myself. So hang with me while I try to process this out. It will not be pretty and may be scattered and probably much more than you ever want to read, so skip this if you are not up for a ramble! Here is where I jump back in to the original purpose of this blog site....my journaling.
Today really started about 7 years ago. I made the move from teaching 6th grade and began teaching 5th reading and social studies. It was a good move at the time for me. I have loved the kids of this age and the subject I teach. However the TAKS pressure really does me in from time to time. I thought the move would be a blessing to a long time friendship, but it turned out to be something else. It is kind of like the saying, "You don't know someone until you live with them." Well, you don't know someone until you teach with them either. I will spare names for those who know too much about this subject already, but I will also let you know I am going to vent some as I explore the past 7 years.
I should not be made to feel subject to or even "parented" by a colleague. I am an adult....right? 40 does mean I have lived enough to know some things by now. Well, that was one issue right off the bat. I don't live with my mother and I don't appreciate someone thinking they have a right to treat me like a child and think they can tell me how to raise my children, criticize my emotions and even my illnesses, like telling me they are all in my head....I don't think strep is in my head, it is in my throat!!!! Nor do I think I should have to report each time I need to take a restroom break or go get a drink, or stop by someone else's classroom to say hello or work on lesson plans. I should not have to screen my friends and my conversations so that my partner doesn't get offended by the fact that I HAVE friends. I should enjoy those relationships and be happy to have them in my place of employment. I also believe that I should not have to tip toe around my day and monitor my slightest movements to make sure that they don't seem "upset or out of sorts" in any way to keep the peace of my hallway. I should not have to play protector or defense to make sure things don't escalate out of control. I should feel okay about going to the office to make copies or even visit with my principal without being accused of conspiring against my partner. I should not have to apologize to other teachers and staff for the way they are treated by my team member. I should get to hang out with the rest of the school and not be isolated to one corner of the building and consumed by her wants and her needs. I should not be made to feel guilty when I have to miss a day of work because one of my children are sick or when I am sick! (Oh yea, my illnesses are just in my head!) Who does she think she is?????? When did I become the keeper and protector and peace keeper? I am not responsible for her or for anyone else except me, my family, and my students.
That felt good. A little ranting and raving....I wish I could be more vocal about some of this and less "lay down and take it". I hate being a doormat. I am learning to break free from those temptations to just stick with a bad situation and make due. I do not have to lay down and be stepped on. I don't like confrontation and I KNOW more is coming, but I am feeling stronger.
So, about today. Seven years of doormatitis came to an end for me. Earlier in the year after an incident of my partner yelling at me in my room about MY attitude and my lack of TALKING to her about MY problems....which she always says are "in my head," I made the decision that this was the last time I would be talked to like a child. I went to my principal and asked for a change for next year. I didn't care where she put me, I just knew I needed to get out of this verbally abusive partnership. I needed freedom from the constant stress I was living under and frankly, Mike said it was going to be him or her. I chose Mike! LOL! My stress was causing a strain in our marriage and Mike knew I would not break free from it unless he pushed me that direction. Truthfully, he and the girls have begged me to make this change for years.
So today.....the move was made final. However, I am not moving. She is. She doesn't want to move and had threatened me earlier in the year with "If you don't like how things are YOU can move, but I'm not leaving my classroom." That was fine with me. I would move campuses if I had to, but I was getting away from her. But today, she was moved. Not me.
You see, I am not the only one she has pushed to the limit this year. It has truly been a rough year. Also, our whole campus was shifted and rearranged. I was moved, in what I will be teaching, but I may not have to move classrooms. She was moved grade levels and subjects. It is a big change for her and she is angry about it. Today she threatened to not even come back. I can't say that it surprises me or even really upsets me. I just feel a relief for being free.
I know this all sounds mean and hard. I can't seem to explain it well enough for people on the outside to understand. At times I have even thought it was "all in my head!" I know it is not. I realized after spending some time visiting with a friend of mine who was going through therapy to escape a verbally abusive marriage, that I too was in the same kind of situation. I had often wondered why women would stay in situations that were psychologically crippling. I will tell you from my experience, you live for the good times. There have been many good times. In many ways our teaching styles and class management styles just click together. Often we can read each other's moods and know when to give a little more. I had even begun to falter on my decision to make a change because we went through about 4 weeks of really good days. Then, it falls apart. There are always those days that are the ones that push you over the edge.
Education is not an easy profession. I know more teachers on anxiety medication and depression medication than I ever imagined would be. The stress and the situations we face daily are intense. We may not be on the front lines of war or out saving lives, but in some ways.....we are. To not be able to rely on your partner to do what is right or good in these situations is difficult.
So, again, today.....my principal calls me in and tells me I will be teaching 5th grade reading as usual but I am now going to have 2 classes of honors kids and 2 classes of regular. My whole partner team has changed and I will say I am happy about it. My current partners will both be without me. The one that I have issues with is moving to 6th grade and the other will be with another team in 5th. If you know me, you know change is not my favorite thing. You also know that confronting those angry words that she has already begun flinging at me will be hard for me. I am asking for prayers for me to have the right words to say when the time comes and that she HEARS me and understands my heart. My decision to move earlier this year was based on the fact that I would like to save our friendship. Being friends was more important to me than being teaching partners. I fear now that both may have been lost. She is certain that I masterminded this whole switch and change the WHOLE school has been through today, but I assure you I have nothing to do with it. All I asked for was for ME to be moved. She also firmly believes that I have nothing better to do than to run to the office and tattle on her for everything she has ever done to me. That would take too much of my limited time and again, if you know me, you know I don't tattle. I hold way too much in and keep very good secrets! I know that those around me at school know the truth. I just hate that she is blaming all this on me and that she can't see the truth. I do hurt for her and I am grieving the loss of this partnership and possibly the friendship. I pray we will one day be able to look back and know this was for the best.
I am so ready to sleep. I have to face tomorrow and be able to put the wheels in motion for the next year. I will walk away from today knowing I did what I had to do for myself and my family. If I can quit coughing and be able to breathe tonight, I think I will get some rest and see what tomorrow holds. I do ask for your prayers....
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ramblings of an overstressed mind....
Yep, that's me.....my brain is really on overload. If you opened this to read some inspirational writing, that is not this one. My brain is truly on overload. I have been laying awake at night with lists and things running races through my head. Even when I do sleep, my dreams are consumed with worries and things that need to be accomplished. It has been that way for days....and nights...for this last several weeks.
With school coming to an end and Ashton's wedding looming on the horizon, I know my days are numbered with activities. I have invitations to mail....if the envelopes ever make it back to us! I have programs to design and print....oh yea, I still have to buy the paper and sticks to turn them in to fans. Then there are the napkins. That has been a joke for months, but I need to find and order napkins. Also, what about the favors for all the people who come to the reception. I still need to work on those. I have many many things left to buy. Flower girl basket, ring bearer's pillow, bubbles and M&M's, roses to decorate the basket, jewelry for Ashton to wear, oh yea, MY DRESS, and then the napkins. I'm sure there is more I am forgetting at this point. We have bridal pics coming up and a new suit to buy for Mike. I know there is more.......I'm sure it will haunt my dreams!
Did I mention that Tara has college classes to sign up for and I need to pay for this summer? And Chelsea will be going away for 2 weeks in summer for her first camp experience? Where is this money coming from???? I don't know, but God will provide. He always does.
Then there is school. Wrapping up each school year is stressful enough, but this year is bringing change with it. I am leaving the partner/team I have known for the unknown. If you know me you know I hate change. I know this is the right call for me and my sanity but the last several days I have been feeling guilty for the wheels I feel I put in motion. Our whole school is changing now. Our teams are all being shifted and rearranged. I may not even be teaching reading....or social studies....or 5th grade! Who knows. To say that stress is high is an understatement. Every day is another chance for things to unwind. Today was kickball tournament, yesterday was the water park. Tomorrow will be the last normal day before the end. My lists of "to do" are growing and every minute needs to be used wisely. I don't know if I need to pack my room or just settle things for the summer.
Keyed up emotions and personalities are clashing and my partner is sure I am to blame. In so many ways I am. However, each day I am reminded why I had to make such a hard choice and move or change. The deal is, I think she is the one being moved and not me. I was willing to be the one to change, but it seems that it will be her.
Then, there is the air conditioner. Yes, my a/c decided to die at our house. Yes we have a new one now, but the money going out seems to be more than coming in. Tonight...our oven died. We were already going to have to replace our roof this summer and now we have these other issues to deal with. At times I just have to laugh. It is evident that my faith has grown because before I would have felt hopeless, but now I just wait to see how God is going to provide.
I have several friends suffering right now. I have those facing loss of loved ones and now a precious friend facing the unknown of possible cancer. I choose not to believe the worst. I choose to believe in God's healing power and I am trusting Him to be with her.
Life is such an adventure and I am slowly learning again to embrace each day and to focus on what I can do in one day. I can't look back or too far ahead, both of those overwhelm me. I can only face today. I just wish my brain would understand that and let me sleep.
With school coming to an end and Ashton's wedding looming on the horizon, I know my days are numbered with activities. I have invitations to mail....if the envelopes ever make it back to us! I have programs to design and print....oh yea, I still have to buy the paper and sticks to turn them in to fans. Then there are the napkins. That has been a joke for months, but I need to find and order napkins. Also, what about the favors for all the people who come to the reception. I still need to work on those. I have many many things left to buy. Flower girl basket, ring bearer's pillow, bubbles and M&M's, roses to decorate the basket, jewelry for Ashton to wear, oh yea, MY DRESS, and then the napkins. I'm sure there is more I am forgetting at this point. We have bridal pics coming up and a new suit to buy for Mike. I know there is more.......I'm sure it will haunt my dreams!
Did I mention that Tara has college classes to sign up for and I need to pay for this summer? And Chelsea will be going away for 2 weeks in summer for her first camp experience? Where is this money coming from???? I don't know, but God will provide. He always does.
Then there is school. Wrapping up each school year is stressful enough, but this year is bringing change with it. I am leaving the partner/team I have known for the unknown. If you know me you know I hate change. I know this is the right call for me and my sanity but the last several days I have been feeling guilty for the wheels I feel I put in motion. Our whole school is changing now. Our teams are all being shifted and rearranged. I may not even be teaching reading....or social studies....or 5th grade! Who knows. To say that stress is high is an understatement. Every day is another chance for things to unwind. Today was kickball tournament, yesterday was the water park. Tomorrow will be the last normal day before the end. My lists of "to do" are growing and every minute needs to be used wisely. I don't know if I need to pack my room or just settle things for the summer.
Keyed up emotions and personalities are clashing and my partner is sure I am to blame. In so many ways I am. However, each day I am reminded why I had to make such a hard choice and move or change. The deal is, I think she is the one being moved and not me. I was willing to be the one to change, but it seems that it will be her.
Then, there is the air conditioner. Yes, my a/c decided to die at our house. Yes we have a new one now, but the money going out seems to be more than coming in. Tonight...our oven died. We were already going to have to replace our roof this summer and now we have these other issues to deal with. At times I just have to laugh. It is evident that my faith has grown because before I would have felt hopeless, but now I just wait to see how God is going to provide.
I have several friends suffering right now. I have those facing loss of loved ones and now a precious friend facing the unknown of possible cancer. I choose not to believe the worst. I choose to believe in God's healing power and I am trusting Him to be with her.
Life is such an adventure and I am slowly learning again to embrace each day and to focus on what I can do in one day. I can't look back or too far ahead, both of those overwhelm me. I can only face today. I just wish my brain would understand that and let me sleep.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
The Highest Calling
***I wrote this a while back, but thought it was appropriate for today. Enjoy!
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Being a mom is not what I expected. I guess it never is but now I truly see what a mission it is suppose to be. Motherhood starts the minute you know you are expecting. Whether 9 weeks along or 9 months, the “mommy” mode kicks in. In this mode, a lot of fear and doubt surface. “ Will I be good at this? What if I really stink at being a mom? Will my child love me?” All the “what ifs” surface, but the first time you hold that precious gift you know that God has given you the highest calling. You have been entrusted with the life and soul of one of His beloved children. Matt 18:10 tell us that each child’s angel sees the face of God and reports on their well being to Him.
The choices I have made as a mom have not always been the right ones. They may have been good things but not right for my family. I remember selling Tupperware as a “home consultant” and the excitement I felt about working from home and being with my girls. It was good for a while, but soon I realized I was spending too many hours working and hosting parties at night and on the weekends. My 10 to 20 hour a week job had turned into a 40-60 hour per week job. I had quickly moved to a management position and was being encouraged to do more. It was fun and I felt great about what I was doing, but I was missing out on precious time with my girls. I had begun to be short with them and I didn’t have time for the Saturday morning snuggles or the bedtime kisses because I was working. Something had to change!
Giving up jobs is not the only thing that changed. My mindset had to change. What comes first family or job? I chose family. Not everyone understands this choice I have made. It is hard in this society to say “NO” to great opportunities and put your children first. It is the same in serving God. There are many great mission fields and services that I can be a part of to serve my God, but I have to be sure I am fulfilling my first calling before jumping into another. I have been blessed with three precious girls who God wants to see serve and praise Him. My job and calling to teach them first and see that they know and love our Father. It is a job above all other jobs. (Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”)
I have found that being a mother has effected many choices besides my job. It directs the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the places we go, and the friends we hang out with. Children see and hear and absorb more from how we live than what we tell them. They become mirror images of their parents or their environment. It only takes hearing a tone of voice or common phrase come from your child’s mouth to convict your heart to change or make different choices. I remember one of our girls saying she didn’t want to go to church anymore because her daddy didn’t go. That prompted change in his life. He didn’t want to be the reason his baby didn’t find out how much her Father in heaven loved her. (Luke 17:2-3 “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.”)
Mike and I also had to make some changes in which we ran around with. Some of our best friends from school did not share the same insight and concern for what our children were exposed to and we found it less easy to take the girls with us to their house or to spend time with them. It was a hard adjustment for us, but we had to put our girls and our family first. God has been faithful in leading us to good friends who honor Him with their lives and also help reflect His glory to our girls.
Children also know if they are important in your life. They know what is valued most in their parents’ lives. They know by how we show them. It is a tough job, to say the least. I can not always be my girls’ best friend. I have to be their parent first, and that is not always easy. The costs are great, emotionally as well as financially. It changes you forever. There are more opportunities for saying “no” than for saying “yes.” There are many opportunities to listen and to be silly. One of the best bits of advice I ever received was from a friend at church. She said, “Listen to them always, even when you really aren’t in the mood. If they know you are interested in the small things, they will be more willing to talk to you about the important things.” (Thanks Kim for that advice)
Some people may say, “But what about you? What about your life? Your dreams? Your purpose?” All I can say is that for now, a very short time, I have been called to be a mommy and when the time comes and my children have found their own calling, God will give me a new purpose. No higher calling can there be than to see that your children love the Lord with all their hearts and will spend eternity with you in heaven! (Deut. 6:5 “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”)
I will leave you with a couple of “prose” that God put on my heart. May God bless you through these words.
Ode to Parenthood
Late nights and early mornings
Cost you every dime
Slumber parties, boyfriends
Tryouts that fail
School projects, recitals
All types of games
Knowing every moment
Where they are and
Who they are with!
Sixteen before you date
Be back by 10 and
Don’t be late!
Driving off alone for the first time
Not being able to reach them by phone
Graduating kindergarten
Graduating high school
Leaving for college
Class favorite, most beautiful
Student councils, officer elections
Band camp, tryouts
Making captain
Making mascot
Learning to lead
And to stand alone
First summer of camp
Packing up and leaving
Climbing a mountain
Finding Christ
Being baptized
Showing others the way.
Field trips, field days
Victories and defeats
Sharing in their celebrations
Comforting their tears
Children are a gift
God’s perfect angels
Sent from above
To teach us of His love
And His patience
For us, His children.
The Highest Calling
Lord, I plead,
What is my purpose?
Do you have a plan for my life?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
But Lord, isn’t there some great mission
You want me to complete?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
I know that, Lord,
But isn’t there some place special
You want me to go.
Everywhere you go, my child,
Live for Me!
Aren’t there certain people
You have purposed for me
To teach?
Yes, my child
Each one of these
I have given you to love.
Teach them about Me and
My love for them
By living each day for Me!
Deuteronomy 6:6-7 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
Being a mom is not what I expected. I guess it never is but now I truly see what a mission it is suppose to be. Motherhood starts the minute you know you are expecting. Whether 9 weeks along or 9 months, the “mommy” mode kicks in. In this mode, a lot of fear and doubt surface. “ Will I be good at this? What if I really stink at being a mom? Will my child love me?” All the “what ifs” surface, but the first time you hold that precious gift you know that God has given you the highest calling. You have been entrusted with the life and soul of one of His beloved children. Matt 18:10 tell us that each child’s angel sees the face of God and reports on their well being to Him.
The choices I have made as a mom have not always been the right ones. They may have been good things but not right for my family. I remember selling Tupperware as a “home consultant” and the excitement I felt about working from home and being with my girls. It was good for a while, but soon I realized I was spending too many hours working and hosting parties at night and on the weekends. My 10 to 20 hour a week job had turned into a 40-60 hour per week job. I had quickly moved to a management position and was being encouraged to do more. It was fun and I felt great about what I was doing, but I was missing out on precious time with my girls. I had begun to be short with them and I didn’t have time for the Saturday morning snuggles or the bedtime kisses because I was working. Something had to change!
Giving up jobs is not the only thing that changed. My mindset had to change. What comes first family or job? I chose family. Not everyone understands this choice I have made. It is hard in this society to say “NO” to great opportunities and put your children first. It is the same in serving God. There are many great mission fields and services that I can be a part of to serve my God, but I have to be sure I am fulfilling my first calling before jumping into another. I have been blessed with three precious girls who God wants to see serve and praise Him. My job and calling to teach them first and see that they know and love our Father. It is a job above all other jobs. (Proverbs 22:6 “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”)
I have found that being a mother has effected many choices besides my job. It directs the movies we watch, the music we listen to, the places we go, and the friends we hang out with. Children see and hear and absorb more from how we live than what we tell them. They become mirror images of their parents or their environment. It only takes hearing a tone of voice or common phrase come from your child’s mouth to convict your heart to change or make different choices. I remember one of our girls saying she didn’t want to go to church anymore because her daddy didn’t go. That prompted change in his life. He didn’t want to be the reason his baby didn’t find out how much her Father in heaven loved her. (Luke 17:2-3 “It would be better for him to be thrown into the sea with a millstone tied around his neck than for him to cause one of these little ones to sin. So watch yourselves.”)
Mike and I also had to make some changes in which we ran around with. Some of our best friends from school did not share the same insight and concern for what our children were exposed to and we found it less easy to take the girls with us to their house or to spend time with them. It was a hard adjustment for us, but we had to put our girls and our family first. God has been faithful in leading us to good friends who honor Him with their lives and also help reflect His glory to our girls.
Children also know if they are important in your life. They know what is valued most in their parents’ lives. They know by how we show them. It is a tough job, to say the least. I can not always be my girls’ best friend. I have to be their parent first, and that is not always easy. The costs are great, emotionally as well as financially. It changes you forever. There are more opportunities for saying “no” than for saying “yes.” There are many opportunities to listen and to be silly. One of the best bits of advice I ever received was from a friend at church. She said, “Listen to them always, even when you really aren’t in the mood. If they know you are interested in the small things, they will be more willing to talk to you about the important things.” (Thanks Kim for that advice)
Some people may say, “But what about you? What about your life? Your dreams? Your purpose?” All I can say is that for now, a very short time, I have been called to be a mommy and when the time comes and my children have found their own calling, God will give me a new purpose. No higher calling can there be than to see that your children love the Lord with all their hearts and will spend eternity with you in heaven! (Deut. 6:5 “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.”)
I will leave you with a couple of “prose” that God put on my heart. May God bless you through these words.
Ode to Parenthood
Late nights and early mornings
Cost you every dime
Slumber parties, boyfriends
Tryouts that fail
School projects, recitals
All types of games
Knowing every moment
Where they are and
Who they are with!
Sixteen before you date
Be back by 10 and
Don’t be late!
Driving off alone for the first time
Not being able to reach them by phone
Graduating kindergarten
Graduating high school
Leaving for college
Class favorite, most beautiful
Student councils, officer elections
Band camp, tryouts
Making captain
Making mascot
Learning to lead
And to stand alone
First summer of camp
Packing up and leaving
Climbing a mountain
Finding Christ
Being baptized
Showing others the way.
Field trips, field days
Victories and defeats
Sharing in their celebrations
Comforting their tears
Children are a gift
God’s perfect angels
Sent from above
To teach us of His love
And His patience
For us, His children.
The Highest Calling
Lord, I plead,
What is my purpose?
Do you have a plan for my life?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
But Lord, isn’t there some great mission
You want me to complete?
Yes, my child,
Live today for Me!
I know that, Lord,
But isn’t there some place special
You want me to go.
Everywhere you go, my child,
Live for Me!
Aren’t there certain people
You have purposed for me
To teach?
Yes, my child
Each one of these
I have given you to love.
Teach them about Me and
My love for them
By living each day for Me!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Hermit Crabs.....
I attended a life changing seminar several years ago and during this seminar our group received a name. This name was to describe our "personality" as a group. We were the "Nothings". Not a very pleasant name. My best friend got so mad I thought she was going to go after one of the directors. I didn't get it at the time, but I look back and see it did fit me at the time. However, I think I deserved a different name. I can really relate to the Hermit Crabs....dragging my baggage around with me me, hiding in my shell protecting the soft insides of me from being hurt, being unsociable, snapping when people or things get to close to me. Yep, I'm a hermit crab!
The blessing in this life is that God puts people in your path that force you to be more than you want to be. Luckily I am blessed with a social husband and several social friends. There are days Mike is a different kind of crab, but still he is more sociable than me. Tonight was one of those nights. I just came home worn out from work. Work has been stressful and I really wanted to do nothing but nap. It was raining and though I knew we had outdoor plans for the night, I secretly smiled at the possibility of a cancellation. YES....I was going to get to rest! Soccer practice was cancelled and I just knew our cookout would be postponed. NOT! The rain went away and the plans went forward.....there went my nap.
Mike left early and left Chels with strict instructions to make sure I was up by 6 and getting ready to meet them in town. I grumbled at him as he left and grunted that I would be there. I truly hoped I would fall asleep and Chels would get busy watching tv and we would accidentally miss the night's events. No such luck. Phone call after phone call, kept me awake. It just seemed that everything was working against my nap and night in my shell.
Out the door and off to the cookout. Not really excited, but I knew my presence was expected and that I would feel better once I got there. It was really wonderful. Many many people, smiling and chatting, eating and serving. I saw many friends old and new. It was really encouraging to my soul. I hugged necks, shook hands, laughed and even was prompted to write....thanks Kerrie! One hundred and twenty hamburgers and 80 hotdogs later, plus countless snowcones, the night was coming to an end. An ice fight and giggling men and children filled the air as I pulled out of the drive to head home. No, I didn't get my nap and yes, I am still very tired, but I wouldn't have missed the night.
One of these days I am going to shed this desire to crawl in my shell and curl up. I don't know when it will be, but thankfully God has put those people in my life that know that my pinchers are more for show than anything else and they drag my soft body, and spirit, out of my shell and in to life. It has not been the easiest thing for me, being exposed and not hiding, but I am learning daily to be brave.
The blessing in this life is that God puts people in your path that force you to be more than you want to be. Luckily I am blessed with a social husband and several social friends. There are days Mike is a different kind of crab, but still he is more sociable than me. Tonight was one of those nights. I just came home worn out from work. Work has been stressful and I really wanted to do nothing but nap. It was raining and though I knew we had outdoor plans for the night, I secretly smiled at the possibility of a cancellation. YES....I was going to get to rest! Soccer practice was cancelled and I just knew our cookout would be postponed. NOT! The rain went away and the plans went forward.....there went my nap.
Mike left early and left Chels with strict instructions to make sure I was up by 6 and getting ready to meet them in town. I grumbled at him as he left and grunted that I would be there. I truly hoped I would fall asleep and Chels would get busy watching tv and we would accidentally miss the night's events. No such luck. Phone call after phone call, kept me awake. It just seemed that everything was working against my nap and night in my shell.
Out the door and off to the cookout. Not really excited, but I knew my presence was expected and that I would feel better once I got there. It was really wonderful. Many many people, smiling and chatting, eating and serving. I saw many friends old and new. It was really encouraging to my soul. I hugged necks, shook hands, laughed and even was prompted to write....thanks Kerrie! One hundred and twenty hamburgers and 80 hotdogs later, plus countless snowcones, the night was coming to an end. An ice fight and giggling men and children filled the air as I pulled out of the drive to head home. No, I didn't get my nap and yes, I am still very tired, but I wouldn't have missed the night.
One of these days I am going to shed this desire to crawl in my shell and curl up. I don't know when it will be, but thankfully God has put those people in my life that know that my pinchers are more for show than anything else and they drag my soft body, and spirit, out of my shell and in to life. It has not been the easiest thing for me, being exposed and not hiding, but I am learning daily to be brave.
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