Sleepless Nights....

I have nothing great to share today. I am just plain tired. Several days have gone by with mixed up sleeping patterns and busy days to keep me going. I really can't explain the place I am in right now. It is as close to the "twilight zone" as I think I can get. I described it to a friend like this....it is that feeling of anticipation that keeps you awake with your mind running here, there and nowhere. You know you need to sleep. You want to turn off the brain, but yet, it won't stop. The bad part right now is that I can't even accomplish anything during this time. Most of the time when I do this, I have something to write OR read. Right now, I am just writing to do something!

So, I know the wedding is the thing I am anticipating. It is a week away. Tonight is the end of the "2 week window" of time and tomorrow we face 1 week until the big day. I believe we are ready. I hope we are ready. Wednesday will begin the final count down. We will begin decorating and getting everything that has piled up in my house put in its designated place for the wedding. Dresses are altered and pressed. Shoes are bought. Jewelry is ready. Mike's suit is here and the shirt and tie are perfect. We have hair appointments for the day of the wedding and nail appointments a few days before. RSVPs are still coming in which is great. The buzz is getting louder and my bank account is about drained. It feels like it is time for this event to happen.

With everything seeming to go according to plan, I still wonder why I won't sleep. Is it nerves? Anxiety? Stress? What??? I'm not sure. I know it is the most frustrating thing. The other night, or should I say morning, about 4 a.m., I finally gave up and began looking for something to take to help me sleep. Don't get me wrong....I don't normally take anything to sleep, but I had come to a place of such frustration that I needed to sleep. I searched the cabinet for benadryl. That always helps me sleep. I was even willing to take 2 if that was what it would take to make me rest. There was none. Then I looked for the phenegren that I knew we had somewhere. Again, I knew it would make me rest, but I could not find it. Finally I settled on a long lost anxiety pill I had carried in my purse forever. I hate taking them, but at one point in this past year, I had to because the anxiety attacks had gotten so strong. That night was another time that I felt I needed it. I took my little half pill and soon went in to a hard sleep. That is one reason I don't like to take them. I feel so out of it and totally useless, but at this point, I seriously needed to relax. I awoke the next morning with a drugged feeling and very little sense of rest. I could never be addicted to any medication. I hate that feeling of being out of it!

Now, I'm out of the meds and left again to face another long night. Mike is gone this weekend which will make it even worse. So, what do I do? Pray. I am praying for the ability to rest. Praying for the ability to not worry. Praying that I let go of my hold on control and just let God be in control. I honestly don't do any justice to being in control of anything. I should just let it go and rest.

However, the truth is I believe there is such a deeper issue to all of this. My baby girl is getting married. I am extremely proud of her and happy for them. I love Todd and I know he is who God has planned for Ashton all along. I have no doubt that they will be happy and be just fine on their own. I think the thing that is really killing me is that I let so many days go by. I missed so many moments and opportunities to make memories with Ashton and now, those days are gone. I know, we will have many other opportunities to make many more memories and our relationship as mother and daughter will change and get stronger, BUT that is not what I feel right now. Right now I miss my little girl. The one that crawled up in my lap and snuggled her head on my shoulder. That baby girl that was my real life baby doll that I dressed in pink and lace every chance I got. She is that first baby, the one I learned how to be a mommy with and the one that saw me at my worse and again at my best too. I miss my little girl. I will miss her being here. Her place will forever be different in this house. She will be an adult, married woman, with her own husband, house and life to live that will not depend on her parents at all.

I've known this was coming. I have even been preparing myself for it. Those 2 years of her gone to college was good for me to break away some, but it does not change what I feel. I know not all moms probably feel the loss that I do when their daughters get married, but I know there are others that understand what I am saying. My girls have always been very close to me. I know I am not really loosing her, but those Saturday mornings without Mike around when all 3 girls pile in my bed and we giggle and watch movies and just talk will forever be different. Yes, life will be filled with many new great memories with my baby girl and she is not even leaving the county! She will be near by, but my heart is still aching. My tears want to flow but I don't want her to worry about me or see me so sad, but sadness is what I feel. Sadness surrounded by love and pride and joy and excitement and great anticipation. My baby girl is grown up. She is going to be a beautiful bride. She is going to be a fantastic wife and mother someday. This is what we have prepared her to be. It is time for me to let her go and grow into the woman God has created her to be, but forever in my heart, she will be my baby girl.