Quick recap for all those who are not aware of our journey...About 4 years ago, maybe 5, Mike lost his job in Dallas due to another employee's mistake. Management wanted to make a statement and fired everyone on the site at the time, even if they had just arrived. Mike was one of them. That led our lives into this thing I call the "new normal." It is anything but normal. For the next 2 1/2 years, Mike lived out of town during the week and came home on the weekends. I had our youngest daughter still home with us then. That is not the case now, but we will get back to that. After almost 3 years of living part time as a family, we decided the money wasn't worth it and brought Mike back home with another company and less money. We didn't mind because we all got to be together again. That happiness was short lived. Mike was laid off from that company after almost 3 months. He found another job that we hoped was the blessing we had been praying for. A couple of months later...another layoff. (At this point we were wondering who we had ticked off to be having such trials.)
Dark days followed but we kept pushing forward. Mike then found the job he currently has. It has almost been a year and we are "making it". However, this week began his first stint working out of town AGAIN! It could just be for a week or longer. Either way...I am ALONE! Really, truly alone! First time in my life I am solely dependent on myself. You see before I had our youngest with me when he was out of town. We were running buddies when Mike would be gone, but now she is off at college and I, well....am here. ALONE! Not really sure this is a good thing. Being alone means my mind has lots of time to wander...lately it has been trying to figure out why life has not turned out like we planned. Now, before you think I am just going to whine a lot...and I might...KNOW that I KNOW we have so many blessings. I count them. I do. Over and over and over again....they are what keep me going. But I am going to be honest...and human...it is hard to stay positive.
Those who know me, really know me, know that my faith is strong. You know I believe and I pray and I try to live a life that honors God. With that said, I am human. Flawed and just as weak and sinful as anyone else. These last several years have really tested that faith. I have been angry with God. (Don't worry, I'm sure he can handle my anger.) I've been angry with the guy who caused this whole whirlwind we have lived in because of his stupid mistake that could have cost him his life, but instead cost us our "normal" life. I've been mad at my husband...for what, I'm not sure, but I find myself mad at him for all of this. (None of which was his fault.) Anger seems to work pretty well for a while, but it gets old. Lately, while I sit here alone I feel that anger start working its way back up into my consciousness. Just who I am angry at, I'm not sure. LIFE maybe. God maybe. Myself....possibly. Why? I have no idea.
Being alone also brings up those "I wish I could...I wish I had...I should have" moments. Then, I beat myself up for those lost moments and chances. I think and rethink about how I would do things differently. But do I really want life to be so different that I would change the events that brought us together rather than tearing us apart? These thoughts tend to make me realize why people have a mid-life crisis! The urge to sell everything and run away is real. It gets stronger and stronger while the idea of just starting over fresh screams from my brain! Now don't worry....I'm not leaving my family and running away...even though the thought has crossed my mind...but that would leave me ALONE. Isn't that what I DON'T want to be?
So tonight...after fighting with my electric recliner that decided to quit working (I fixed it!) and then dealing with our TV that suddenly had no sound and then would not come back on (fixed it too) I decided to look at my blog for the first time since 2012! (How in the world has it been 5 years since I have written anything? ) Writing was always my way of processing those thoughts that struggled and fought with each other inside my head. They need a place to come to life. To be heard. To be understood. Just to be... While reading over several old posts, it made me remember those feelings in the moments described. I saw that it was where I was able to be the most transparent and real, or as real as possible. I know that during those days I locked down the privacy to my blog. Lots of raw emotions and thoughts were written. Sometimes something inspirational or thought provoking would come out, but mostly it was the emotions of those days that found a home in my writing.
Maybe writing will become my friend during these lonely days and VERY lonely nights. Maybe it will help me with my anger. Maybe it will help me figure out what direction my life is going in. Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else too as I fight through some things. So...I'm going to be as brave as I can be...I'm going to open up my privacy settings and share my blog. YIKES! I think I may have a panic attack just from writing those words!
My blog is called "Fingerprints and Stray Hairs" for the image they leave of imperfection and being a bit messy, but also for the idea that they also leave an impression or a bit of themselves upon the people and places they touch. I ask that you travel gently down this path with me. That you understand the fragility of the words and thoughts and don't hold them against me. I hope that as you travel this road with me that you will excuse the messy, imperfect person that tries to write and will see that being human or Christian does not mean you have to have it all together, but that you keep going and believing even when you feel all alone.
In Him...Denise
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