How do you cut people out of your life? Better yet, how do you cut them out of your heart? I've never been one to be able to let go easily. You see, when I love and let people in, I let them all the way in. I give too much of myself. I don't trust easily, but once I feel like I can, I'm usually all in. That's what gets me in trouble.
How many times...how many lessons....how many hurts will I have to endure to get it through my thick head that I can't keep caring more than others care? It is so frustrating to me. I feel there must be something wrong with me at times. I can't cut others out of my life. I can't just turn the page and pretend years did not happen...memories did not exist....friendships were not there.
Help me with this if you can....because I don't understand. It really is a tangled web that led me to this place. I had a friend who I thought of almost like a sister. We had both been through health scares in the last several years and helped each other through them. We had invested in each other's lives and I had even let my children become close to her too. We spent most days together....laughing or even crying when necessary....together. We went through loss...loss of family and dreams and love together and helped each other through it. We had each other's back in times of trouble and I even trusted the lives of my children with her.
I think the turning point was when there was a loss that I could not fix or make right for them. It was out of my control even though I was very close to the situation. I guess people don't see that you can love them through just about anything....well, at least that's the way I try to be. The loss was deep and hard on my friend and many times I was pushed away but always was there for when she was ready to talk. I tried to continue to be just me. To be the friend I knew to be.....but I was too close to the hurt. I wasn't part of the hurt...just too close....a reminder. And I'm sure in my friend's mine, I had to have some connection to it....but with all that I am....I know that I was not connected in any way. I would have fixed it if I could have. I would have made it go away. But there was nothing I could do....nothing.
So I guess sometimes a hurt can be too big. It can consume a soul. It can block out truth and love and twist memories and destroy friendships. I see that when something becomes such a deep dark hole and filled with pain that it can literally kill. It can kill trust.....kill loyalty....kill friendships....kill everything that once was good. It can change people. Consume them from the inside out.....and lash out at those who once stood closest.
I know that is where I am to. I know I am the victim of pain....pain that has consumed my friend. Pain that has burned away all memories of a friendship that felt more like family but has left us as strangers...and even enemies in my friend's eyes. I know it was because I was too close. I had been trusted too much and pain has convinced my friend that I am dangerous. Pain has become the friend....and there is no longer room for me.
Now where do I go? What do I do? Pain has left me sad and alone. Pain has pushed me away again. How do I not become closed off and bitter from this situation? The only answer I have is God...He is love. Love covers a multitude of sins....and pain. So somehow in my hurt, in my new pain, I am going to fight the bitterness that wants to consume my heart too and remain in His love. That's all I know to do. I can't fight this fight alone. I can't give in to pain and resentment, like my flesh wants me to. I need to continue to love.....and pray that pain will someday let go of my friend and restore what was lost.
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